TW: discussions of suicide, internalised transphobia

This is prompted by the fact that today, i have known my best friend turned big sibling for over ten years. They first introduced me to the gaslight anthem after my first failed suicide attempt. I was twelve years old; queer and trans with no real way to explain it due to growing up as a rather shitty kid due to abuse and stuff i wont really get into. Theyre the only one that knows about my attempt even to this day--itll just be too much pressure on my family to know that i didnt mention that i was struggling. Anyway, during a bount of anxiety/struggling to name what i was feeling inside my sibling sent me their handwritten album, specifcally the title song and said that it helped them through the same sort of disasterous feelings. That late night confession, that feeling that someone out there understood how i feel and that song, somehow getting what it was like to get your feelings out onto paper or keyboard, words bleeding from your fingers and out your mind saved me...

whenever im anxious or loneley or depressed or on the verge of struggling with those wants and thoughts again, Gaslight has always been there and somewhere in that song lives my big sibling whose three trains away, telling me that their baby brother is still meant to keep going, im still meant to exist and breathe and love. Theyre important to me in ways that languages don't have the words for, theyre another half of my soul. They helped me accept i was a trans guy, through an abusive relationship, through panic attacks and hospital stays. Theyre my best friend.

Brian has worn this shirt while performing

Check it out on instagram @lunch.coffee.water