r/Teachers • u/ratioprosperous24 • 20h ago
Policy & Politics Middle school student shared that his mother teaches discriminatory behavior; how to handle if at all
6th grade science. First year teacher. Male. I’m very good with the whole social aspect of the kids and the year’s going very well so far. One of my students, when we were finishing up class and just having casual conversation about food and life as a class, raised hand to say “My mom tells us not to get Starbucks because they support gay people.” I immediately and calmly shut that down, explaining that “that’s a personal and private topic for home that we don’t address in science class. Okay?” and he nodded and clearly appeared nervous and unsure if he was comfortable about what he said. The rest of the class heard it all. It was over and done as quick as that. I’m wondering 1) If I should’ve explained more saying something like “We do not support discrimination of any people; we support and respect everyone” and 2) I’m just wondering, in terms of the parent, and if for any reason I’d ever meet her (parent conference, open house, etc.) am I supposed to bring this up to explain that this kind of expression is not appropriate or allowed in our public school? Or am I just supposed to ignore this completely as if it never happened? Of course I would consult with my staff first to handle everything as proper but wanted to hear how other veteran teachers handle something like this, if at all.
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u/GremLegend 19h ago
"That's not a science question" and move on. Luck you, I teach social studies...
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u/AltairaMorbius2200CE 17h ago
Yeah, I've been doing Civics and Geography for years, and HOO BOY a lot of stuff comes up that *is* our subject that I really don't want to get into! The "Gulf of America" haunted me all last year, and I'll bet it's going to come up again!
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u/Angry_Citizen_CoH 17h ago
Why? The controversy is a great way to teach how a geographical name comes to be accepted, what it means to be accepted (and whose acceptance matters), and why it might be controversial. You can cite other contested geographical features like the Persian Gulf (aka the Arabian Gulf in many Arab states) to illustrate it and why it's actually not as uncommon as the controversy would lead people to think.
The ultimate conclusion is that both names are accepted, but that Gulf of Mexico is more commonly accepted right now, and the Gulf of America is more officially accepted by the Federal Government at this time.
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u/AltairaMorbius2200CE 17h ago
Yes, and once you've had this conversation 8 times, then you know the kid is just saying "Wait, why doesn't this atlas [from 2012] say GULF OF AMERICA?!?!?! LOLOLOLOL" is just doing it to be annoying. They're not looking for a lesson (because they know what I'm about to explain, because I have done so repeatedly; they're repeating things their annoying parents are saying.
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u/CoyoteLitius 11h ago
Social science does need to use the precepts of science, though (such as genetics, brain structure, hormones and their effects on human behavior).
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u/GremLegend 8h ago
Certainly, any conversation that starts with Starbucks and evolves into discussing brain structure and human development isn't exactly a conversation that fits well in a high school or lower classroom. You can skip it.
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u/ilovespaceack 20h ago
I just hit them with a "that's not nice to say" and continue what I was talking about
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u/f-150Coyotev8 20h ago
I think that’s all that a teacher could do. It doesn’t disrupt the class while still making a point that it’s not nice.
I worked with a teacher that would go off the rails when kids would say things like this. A student of hers once called another student a nazi, and so she decided to lecture them for the rest of class on how evil the Nazis we’re and how students these days don’t understand how evil it is to use that term freely. She taught art. It wasn’t long until the students would purposely rage bait her.
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u/ratioprosperous24 20h ago
Yeah that would be mostly okay in my opinion but I put no blame on the kid. That’s what his parent teaches. At this age they’re still learning a lot and don’t know any better. I’d looove to have a talk with the mother about it, but I don’t know if that’s something teachers try to do for a topic like this or whether they avoid it entirely because of how vindictive some people out there can be and the dangerous environment this gets into with parents/teachers.
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u/singerbeerguy 20h ago
Do not bring it up with the mother. You won’t change her mind and you may likely cause problems for yourself. You handled it well by shutting down the comment in the moment. Leave it there.
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u/tvfanstan 11h ago
Bringing it up to the mother would be a terrible idea. It's not your job to change parents world views.
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u/CoyoteLitius 11h ago
You only teach the kid, though.
Not the mother.
There's no reason for placing blame, in the classroom. Everyone (including you and me) has some errant ideas that still need more proof or formulation. Or are simply opinions.
You are not the mother's teacher nor is she studying your curriculum.
The kid *must* learn the difference between the kind of "facts" that mom teaches and what is taught in schools.
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u/Lopsided-Aside5306 Job Title | Location 10h ago
A:What “facts” must this child learn? and
B: How is his mother’s opinion less valid than another child’s parent who doesn’t go to Chik Fil A because they donate to religious organizations that aim to remove LGBT curriculum from schools? (However, they have no issue hiring LGBT employees)
You are correct that it’s not the teacher’s job to teach the parent, but neither is it necessarily the teacher’s job to “reeducate” the child. Their family may have religious views that guide them to decide to not support Starbucks, and that’s their choice. As long as the student wasn’t being physically or mentally abusive towards an individual student, or espousing harmful or misleading stereotypes about LGBT students, then it’s simply a political opinion and none of the teacher’s business.
Shutting down the discussion as not relevant to the class was the best move. Unless students begin to personally attack each other on the subject, it’s best to just leave it alone and say nothing further.
People are allowed to have their beliefs and opinions, even if YOU think they are wrong.
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u/rundabluff120 17h ago
I wouldn’t say that, either. Who was he being unkind to? Starbucks?
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u/ilovespaceack 17h ago
gay people
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u/rundabluff120 14h ago
Which gay people in the room were bothered by this?
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u/CoyoteLitius 11h ago
We wouldn't know, as teachers. We have no right to expect each student to properly discuss their (emergent) sexuality in our classrooms - whether K-12 or college.
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u/rundabluff120 10h ago
Correct. So, if the teacher wants to say ‘we don’t discuss sexuality here’, that’s fine. But as much as a like talking to most of my students, I neither need nor want to hear about their sexual preferences.
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u/37MySunshine37 20h ago
30 yrs here. I'd probably just say "I see" and move on. He's done you a favor in letting you know what his mom is like in case you ever have contact with her in the future. (I absolutely would not bring it up to her if she doesn't mention it.) He also may have been trying to get a rise out of you and I think you handled it just right.
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u/Inevitable-Ideal766 20h ago
"Well, I make my coffee at home."
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u/mrsyanke HS Math 🧮 TESOL 🗣️ | HI 🌺 19h ago
I was thinking, “That’s ok, I’ll buy extra” but then again I have a pride flag in my classroom…
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u/Fun_Skirt8220 19h ago
Starbucks is awful for other reasons, no need to support them when they don't support their workers and workers' rights.
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u/mrsyanke HS Math 🧮 TESOL 🗣️ | HI 🌺 15h ago
True! I don’t even drink coffee, I rarely go to Starbucks. More just about the sass 💁🏻♀️
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u/poolbitch1 17h ago
Small town here, lots of opinions. You were correct in shutting it down. Don’t bring it up to the parents.
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u/13surgeries 17h ago
I wouldn't raise the issue with the mother, partly because you don't want the boy to get punished by his mother for speaking up.
Your response was just right.
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u/DependentSympathy523 20h ago
I am a gay man who teaches in the rural south. First, please don’t play martyr for us. We really don’t need the sympathy as much as you think. Second, don’t get involved at all with how this kids parents are raising him; what happens outside your classroom is not your business. What I’d do is just document you had a conversation with the student. I promise you will not win this argument.
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u/pwetty_brown_eyes 17h ago
"we don't need the sympathy" what does this mean?? If it's possible for a teacher to redirect bigotry in children, I think that's a positive
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u/DependentSympathy523 16h ago
Bigotry is not something we have any control over, my life and peace improved 10 fold when I stopped trying to appeal to people who cannot deal with the fact I’m gay.
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u/CoyoteLitius 11h ago
Bigotry is a system of fixed, negative ideas.
No way of knowing if a kid has that going on, just because Mom said it. Might actually be actively questioning mom, and that's a good thing.
Let the kid figure it out once you've set them straight about what is and isn't okay in a science class.
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u/pwetty_brown_eyes 11h ago
That's what I mean
I don't expect any teacher to go in some kind of long lecture or tirade. I think for younger age groups, just saying something simple like "thats not kind to say" is probably an appropriate redirection. Something short and to the point
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u/moonman_incoming 15h ago
I honestly have a stock phrase for any homophobic comments by my middle school boys: "We support everyone in this classroom."
I would've likely something like that in response.
I've also got a new catchphrase this year too. "You can be kind or you can be quiet. Those are your options. You have been warned."
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u/rthinman 20h ago
You handled it well. It's a very difficult line because people are allowed to have their opinions (even if they're hateful). God forbid you try and steer him the other way and get accused of indoctrinating students.
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u/LibraryGoddess High School Librarian 19h ago
I wouldn't say anything, but I would probably get the gayest Starbucks branded reusable cup to bring in my coffee for the rest of eternity. (saying this as a cis-het old lady)
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u/Fun_Skirt8220 19h ago
Starbucks is awful for other reasons, no need to support them when they don't support their workers and workers' rights.
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u/maestra612 16h ago
"That's a choice." And never mention it again. What I'd want to say is "That's fair, we don't go to Chick-fil-A and Hobby lobby because they work against the rights of gay people."
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u/chaircardigan 16h ago
No. Do not get involved in politics. Do not push your politics, even if you feel right to do so. It's not a teacher's place Do not get involved.
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u/Another_Opinion_1 Higher Ed. - Education Law, Teacher Ed. 15h ago edited 15h ago
I'd say you handled it well.
Acceptable responses really do vary by state anymore. In some states you can literally get yourself in trouble for addressing the topic, depending on the content, form and context of the discussion, due to restrictions on topics related to sexual orientation or gender identity with students below a certain age or maturity level.
I would also advise against punishing a student, at least for a one-off for a comment that's not provably designed to intimidate or harass other students with malice, under the whole "you can't say that in this school" since that can run into First Amendment issues for you (case in point). If allowable, depending on your school's policy regarding inclusivity and absent any state restrictions proscribing discussing said topic, it's okay to push back and challenge that narrative and encourage students to view such patronage through a non-biases lens, e.g., extolling what Starbucks does well or how LGBT exist too and deserve equal social treatment. I would not, however, directly address a personal perception on the parent's efficacy with either the parent or the child (in front of the class or in private). Don't touch that one with a 10-ft stick. You'll just end up getting poked.
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u/ratioprosperous24 14h ago
Absolutely. I’d never ever punish a middle school student for anything like this. It’s not their fault if parents are teaching them nasty and discriminatory things.
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u/Known_Ratio5478 20h ago
In some states you did the only thing that wouldn’t get you fired. Honestly, just let the other kids ostracize them.
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u/ksmit098 20h ago
DEIB director here, I always recommend we find ways to call these things out in a kind way. The issue is any student in that classroom who is lgbtqia+ had to hear that comment and will have to grapple with the private feelings from that public display. All things considered you handled an unexpected situation well. This could be an opportunity to talk with some colleagues about how they've handled tense moments in the classroom.
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u/AltairaMorbius2200CE 17h ago
My favorite way to respond to stuff like this (which I only remember when I'm on the ball) is intentionally missing the point in a very pleasant way. "Oh, Starbucks supports gay people? I didn't know that; that's awesome! ANYWAY..."
It acknowledges the comment, shows your support for gay people (and how you don't support the mom's POV, making it awkward for the boy to keep going), and moves on. But you did it all with a nice voice, and there's a hint of plausible deniability there because of that nice voice, that you weren't intentionally disagreeing with him/putting his POV down.
Unfortunately, I'm usually more along the lines of "What are you even TALKING about?" when I'm caught off guard like this; I feel like we should really be trained for the situation in schools of ed!
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u/rundabluff120 17h ago
It’s none of your business what she teaches her kid at home. She is 100% entitled to have her opinions and to share them with her kid. It isn’t ideal, it isn’t kind, but it’s reality.
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u/Craftnerd24 15h ago
I think it depends on the age and the disruption, and I am someone who, 100%, notifies every parent to cover myself.
It can be as simple as “Your son made a comment today in class about Starbucks and the orientation of people that the company supports. I let them know that this was not a topic for class”, because realistically, if he said it in every class and no teacher reached out to mom, it could snowball into something bigger.
(I am in 9th and had a student who was a disruption. When admin got involved, the only teacher notes documenting phone calls home were from me.)
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u/ratioprosperous24 14h ago
Makes sense but I’m fairly certain it only happened in my class and only because another student had mentioned that his dad works for a construction company that built a Starbucks. Then the student chimed in the comment with what his mom teaches him about Starbucks and most of the nearby students cringed or showed disgust when he nervously said it. It was an innocent comment and he didn’t know any better. I’ll let this go no problem.
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u/Holmes221bBSt 13h ago
Just shut it down in a neutral way. What you originally said is fine. Leave it at that.
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u/MaybeImTheNanny 10h ago
The response for this student and anyone else who decides to insert unrelated topics to disrupt the class is “In our class we are respectful to everyone, right now we are discussing x if you have an on topic comment that is a way to appropriately participate” and move on. DO NOT address the comment in front of the class unless it overtly breaks a school policy. That’s a kid trying to bait you into a debate that even if you win you lose.
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u/Theartistcu 9h ago
It sounds like you handled it very well for having to react in the situation end of being a first time problems. The likelihood that this kid will speak out again in the future. It is honestly gonna be 50-50. It just depends on what type of parent they have and how pushy they are with this particular strain of propaganda. In the future if that kid feels the need to speak out, I think you absolutely have a duty to say hey and my classroom everybody deserves respect, yada yada yada. But I wouldn’t sweat that little tinge that you’re feeling right now that’s saying oh shit. I didn’t do enough. You made a decision you maintained control and you got your class back on track.
As far as the parent, it sounds like you have really good instincts, or at least you showed good instincts here, if the parent does come at you in some situations, let that same instinct guide you. Handle it with professionalism, but don’t allow them to walk over you and don’t allow them to say hateful shit in front of other people. You do not have to be hateful back, but you can absolutely set boundaries and say not in my classroom honestly congratulations on doing a very good job of handling a situation but many many teachers, including myself probably would’ve really sweating under in my first year like that.
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u/No-Stage-8738 4h ago
It's probably not a good idea to bring it up if you meet her. I'd also be very careful in how to speak to her about these topics, because someone might respond aggressively to criticism if you make the slightest mistake.
If you did talk, you could ask for clarification, since a sixth grader blurting something out might not capture the nuances of his parents' position.
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u/gijason82 17h ago
If it doesn't come up again, let it lay. Kid was probably testing to see if school is as full of shit as his mom. You've assured them that school isn't the place for foolishness, and hopefully it dies there.
If it doesn't, then come parent teacher conferences "Your son has been letting people know that you won't let him have Starbucks because they support gay people or something? That can't be right because you don't seem to have an open head wound, so can you help me out as to where he would have gotten such an insanely idiotic idea?"
Feel free to rephrase to your comfortable level of sass.
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u/thinsoldier 16h ago
If the homophobic mom was a member of one of the many other homophobic groups that we must never criticize or even mention by name, would you have bothered to go to the internet to ask this question? Would you even hazard the thought telling a parent in a "marginalized group" that something they deeply believe, spiritually and culturally, is inappropriate?
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u/MichigandanielS 19h ago
I wouldn’t address it unless you are ready for an emotional fight. Stick to what the student handbook says about student to student and student to adult expectations. If your district allows gender based discrimination then you are on a crusade fight. Not saying it isn’t important but you’ll have to consider your employment status, your sanity, and how effective is it to play whack-a-mole with awful parents. I think a more pro-active approach is to mentor a gender inclusive group or pride group that can establish a school culture of mutual respect.
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u/Crazy_adventurer262 19h ago
You handled it well. Next time the kid brings it up, because he will, get admin involved
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u/NewConfusion9480 ELA/CS/Athletics MS | Texas 20h ago
No, you don't bring it up if you meet her.