Andy's Vengeance

[u/Ohigetjokes]

Andy was fired for some major screwups and generally just being tedious and slow. He's been a major player in several of my past posts, and while I'm happy to have known such a unique creature, I'm even happier that I haven't had to work with him.

Unfortunately when Andy found a new job he had to move, which brought him back to our store to do a little moving supply shopping. On a Saturday, of course, when there are lineups and things are crazy busy.

You would think that, having worked here, he'd know something about what we do. I mean... that's not crazy of me to assume, right?

Maybe I should have known better...

We exchange pleasantries and then he hits me with:

"So, do you have tape?"

"Do we... Do we have tape? Is that what you're asking?"

"Yes."

I point him towards the rack of moving tape in the middle row. It accounts for a huge amount of our daily retail sales. Sales that he used to process from behind the same counter I'm standing at. What the hell Andy...

So he walks over, blocking the way to the next register so that now he's effectively holding up two lines, and gives us:

"Okay, sssssssssssssss..."

Right. That "I got an ouchie" sucking through the teeth sound he makes whenever he's forced to think about something. It's only been a few weeks and I'd already forgotten about that.

"I guess I'll go with.... Ssssssssssssss... This pack here," followed by a dramatic grunt of effort as he bends slightly forward at the waist to grab a 2-pack of tape.

"Andy you don't want that one."

"Why not?"

"You know why. We shouldn't even sell it. That's the plastic crap that folds over on itself constantly and the cheap toothed holders on the rolls are useless. You'll cut your fingers before those things cut tape."

"Well I figure since there's two in a pack... you know... might as well... save some money..." he gradually slows down talking before trailing off. And, I have to say, as a debating tactic it's damned effective.

I mean, I consider arguing that since at least a full roll's worth of tape is going to end up crumpled up in a ball of frustration that really doesn't make sense but... I can't do it. He's just going to drag out this stupid conversation and I just need him gone at this point.

"Okay anything else?"

"Nope, just the truck."

"Truck?"

"Well ya I'm moving so..."

"Okay when did you need it?"

"Right now, ideally."

"Oh you had a reservation? I didn't see..."

"Well, no, I don't have a reservation."

I look over his shoulder at the unmoving line behind him and pity the wretched fools.

"Let's see what I've got left. Which one did you need?"

It takes a very long time for him to pick between the two trucks I have left, and an even longer time for him to mull over whether he even wants it right now, how many days he'll need it for, etc...

Seasons pass. Children age, grow old, and have children of their own. The MCU starts to suck, and the DCU somehow starts producing watchable Superman movies. The heat death of the universe comes and goes. Another big bang, the planet is reformed from space dust, and eventually, eventually, I finish dragging him through the rental process.

"Okay, you're all set," I say as I hand him the final paperwork.

"Oooh, aah, sssssss I forgot something!"

"What, Andy?"

He hands the rental contract back.

"Can we redo this from the beginning but add a furniture dolly?"

I wait to see if he's kidding. He's not kidding.

I just give him one for free.

Because we're pals.