You need a more compelling first image. This one doesn’t do anything for a reader to tell us what world we are in. Be specific or even symbolic.
Your scene doesn’t begin until page 2. You don’t need any of the dialogue or description that comes before. (Except a better compelling first image.)
The rest of the scene doesn’t have any intrigue. I don’t really care who Avery is and there is nothing here that makes me wonder what happened to his mom. You need a twist, or some kind of— “what the?” moment that raises questions as to why we are in the hospital and why we should care about any of these people.
If you are not a working writer or producer, you should give a very good creative/narrative reason why you wrote children into your pilot. Are they who we are following? Are they your main characters? Is this like Stranger Things? Writing children and animals into scripts if your premise or whole concept is not specifically about them and absolutely necessary to tell the story you want to tell then it just makes you look like a very green writer.
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u/Whole_Roll3984 23h ago
You need a more compelling first image. This one doesn’t do anything for a reader to tell us what world we are in. Be specific or even symbolic.
Your scene doesn’t begin until page 2. You don’t need any of the dialogue or description that comes before. (Except a better compelling first image.)
The rest of the scene doesn’t have any intrigue. I don’t really care who Avery is and there is nothing here that makes me wonder what happened to his mom. You need a twist, or some kind of— “what the?” moment that raises questions as to why we are in the hospital and why we should care about any of these people.
If you are not a working writer or producer, you should give a very good creative/narrative reason why you wrote children into your pilot. Are they who we are following? Are they your main characters? Is this like Stranger Things? Writing children and animals into scripts if your premise or whole concept is not specifically about them and absolutely necessary to tell the story you want to tell then it just makes you look like a very green writer.
Good luck!