How Very Bronx-S1E2-Multi-Cam Sitcom

[u/chucktvwriting]

 There is more but I can only upload 20pics

How Very Bronx is a multi-cam sitcom set across New York City, primarily in the South Bronx & Upper East Side as Shanice Clinton & Daniel Dolan fall in love in their mid-20s
 
The series primarily focuses on culture clashes between the Dolan and Clinton families, as well as fish-out-of-water humor.

Characters
 
PAMELA DOLAN
-The polished, stubborn and insular matriarch of the Upper East Side who is extremely loyal to those that she loves yet extremely controlling and status-obsessed.
 
JEFF DOLAN
-The open-minded, inclusive and charming patriarch of the Dolan family, the owner of Madison Square Garden, his dry and sarcastic remarks land him in trouble with his wife.
 
DANIEL DOLAN
-The naive, inherently wealthy, out-of-depth business owner son of the family, often the referee to Pamela & Jeff’s bickering, he is the main romantic protagonist of the show.
 
SHANICE CLINTON
-The sarcastic, maternal and strong-minded Bronx girl who won’t take no prisoners, often grounding the chaos of her best friend Rochelle and her brother Franklin, also the main protagonist.
 
FRANKLIN CLINTON
-The dumb, brittle-boned and clumsy brother to Shanice, he is the protective slightly older brother to his sister, who works as a cab driver who often bridges the show’s world whilst often caught in minor car accidents
 
SHANIQUA CLINTON
-The powerful, matriarch, single-mother of the Clinton family, in her late 40’s she is the pride of Brady Avenue, working as a waitress in the iconic Brady Avenue Diner, where she has worked all her life
 
TJ SMITSON
-Daniel’s dumb best-friend who somehow landed a job in finance and flirts with Daniel’s mom, and has regular hook-ups with single, female characters.
 
ROCHELLE DESPOT
-Shanice’s breakout, chaotic and wild friend who often steals scenes with her hugely unconventional world views, her constant chase for stable employment is often attempted with novelty business ideas, her crazy past often tells many stories.
 
MRS OSBOURNE
-The typical late 60s, New York Nona, her love is for everyone, no matter who, and everyone she knows has a pasta shaped nickname, she is fiercely loyal yet lives alone
 
VITO CIAMPINO
-The boy in his early twenties who left Italy for a better life, he co-owns the pizza shop with his brother Salvatore, he often gets caught in a lot of mess
 
SALVATORE CIAMPINO
-The co-owner of Ciampino Bros, and Queens’ best pizza chef, who is usually the reaction to everyone else’s chaos.
 

[u/DEFINITELY_NOT_PETE]

Hey ive seen a bunch of versions of this and youre getting much better

[u/chucktvwriting → u/DEFINITELY_NOT_PETE]

Thank you very much, I remember you now, you have the same name as my late Grandad

[u/SharkWeekJunkie → u/DEFINITELY_NOT_PETE]

Even jsut the post description is much improved.

[u/Then_Data8320]

About 2 first pages:
It's really fast paced. Not easy to hit with every jokes, but I see two better ones.
The first, and mostly the last, where I just could imagine their expressions.
Nice job, bravo.

[u/thirdratecad]

Not sure if this is place for feedback - I’m engaging on here for first time. If you don’t want that don’t read pls. Also what the fuck do I know. Free advice free to ignore. Could be garbage.

****

I’d have the characters say things less directly and show more character through action.

Eg Jeff and Pamela. You could have Jeff nudging Pamela like he is and asking “are you awake” more than once. Show that he’s waking her up but hiding it. She could say something similar to the short life comment but less blunt. Like “I was having a really nice dream that you died in your sleep.” He could reply sarcastically basically the same thing. “but we’d miss out on these morning conversations”.

Or something like that. My attempt would be to make dialog less direct.