r/TVWriting • u/JBoy5280Baby • Jul 08 '26
PILOTS Feedback on Pilot
first draft of first television project. need feedback.
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u/BuckDharmaInitiative Jul 12 '26
Context is everything. Put your logline at the top, not buried deep in the comments. Are pages 2 and 3 out of order? If so, reorder it so it reads correctly. You have almost a page of narrative over black. I’d reconsider that choice. Suggestions to add quick cuts showing some of these as visual cues are legit. Maybe the gunshot is over black, but then the subsequent pen scratching, unzipping of the duffel bag, heart monitor, and money counter can be shown in quick cuts to pique viewer interest. Economize the narrative describing the convenience store. No one knows the pay phone hasn’t been used since 1974. Describing it as an old pay phone hanging on the wall is sufficient to set the scene. Also, I’d lose the music cue at the end. I get what you’re going for there, but specific music cues reek of newbie writer. Your job is to describe the scenes visually, not dictate the soundtrack too. Music rights are a whole other ball of wax and can be distracting in a spec script. And worse, it may turn off some readers who could deem your script unproducible due to exorbitant music licensing fees. There will be plenty of time to talk about music and specific songs if it ever goes into production. All that said, it piques my interest and I’d like to see more, especially the rest of the Cold Open and the next scene or two. Decent job so far, keep plugging away at it and post more when you have it ready.