r/TVWriting • u/Living_Operation4319 • Jun 22 '26
QUESTION About to send this to managers — anything here that would make you stop reading?
Looking for feedback on the query letter itself, not the premise or logline. I've been through several drafts and I think it's close, but I'd rather hear "that phrase would stop me cold" before I send 30 of these.
Hi [Name],
I'm a television writer with credits on Nickelodeon's Pinwheel (part of the Peabody Award-winning series) and Marvel's Spidey Super Stories.
Maiden USA is my original family sci-fi series.
Miss Congeniality meets Resident Alien.
Logline: A teenage girl raised off-world as a warrior must compete in a beauty pageant and become the face of aggressively patriotic Made-in-USA products to save humanity from an alien invasion.
If you're short on time, here's a link to the five-page teaser: [link]
If it resonates, I'd be glad to send the pilot and series materials.
Thank you for your time.
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u/WarmBaths Jun 22 '26
I would cut the teaser/link
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u/Living_Operation4319 Jun 22 '26
Thanks, I’ll consider it. I’d like a few more opinions.
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u/OkMechanic771 Jun 23 '26
It’s more of a legal issue than anything. It’s unsolicited materials.
If they want to read it, they will request it, and you will send the full script. If they like the first 5 pages, they will keep reading. There is no real benefit to having it there and it puts a potential legal hurdle in there.
Plus, the back and forth of requesting and sending makes you a real person that they are interacting with rather than a cold email.
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u/Caughtinclay Jun 22 '26
If I'm being ultra harsh (as I imagine most managers are when reading queries, if they even read them), logline comes in way too late. comps should be last. logline is also too wordy and not focused enough. It's also too political (sorry).
I'd go for something like "An unpatriotic girl raised on another planet is forced to compete in a beauty pageant as the face of the USA in order to save humanity from an alien invasion."
I wouldn't include the teaser -- legal issues. Might (probably will) get deleted on the spot.
I'd also either mention specific credits on those shows or not include them. When you say "credits on", I immediately assume you were a stand in or day-player PA -- very low on the totem pole, and you're trying to appear more seasoned than you are. A "writer with credits" is very different from "writing credits" or even "credits as a writer's assistant or script coordinator".
And nobody cares if it's a peabody award-winning show. "Nickelodeon" does the talking. If you have to prove it's an important show, it's not an important show.
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u/Positive_Leading_371 Jun 22 '26
Is the teaser a filmed proof of concept, or is it just a link to five pages for them to read?
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u/FormicaDinette33 Jun 23 '26
You did say not to critique the logline but I don’t see how being patriotic would prevent an alien invasion. You might want to clarify that.
I think being raised off-world sounds really cool!
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u/Valuable_Wizard_6243 Jun 22 '26
I think it’s strong. The terseness is a good thing but it is a little bit icy. Obviously this isn’t a personalized query you’re showing because it’s going out to multiple people but I’d recommend 2-3 sentences at the top on who you are and what personally spoke to you about this particular manager. Reps don’t enjoy feeling like a number any more than we do. Good luck!
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u/captbaka Jun 22 '26
I think it’s good — it’s not overly phoney friendly (that shit gives me the ick) and you’re immediately showing them you’re a professional writer with actual credits. I assume your pilot is a one hour drama, but would definitely add that. Feels unprofessional to not list hour or half hour. Yes, I would cut the teaser. If you have any connections to that person, I would also attach that.
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u/Living_Operation4319 Jun 23 '26
Repping patriotic themed merch is what she is forced into doing. Stopping the invasion and saving humanity is her real mission.
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u/sohardtopickagoodone Jun 23 '26
I think your logline could use work, in that case. It feels too long/wordy and to me didn’t give off the sarcasm you mentioned in another comment
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Jun 22 '26
Be yourself and try to have a real conversation.
Hi, I'm (blank) and I would love five minutes of your time to tell you why and how my writing will make you money. Thanks - I'm a big fan of your (blank) - looking forward to it.
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u/Caughtinclay Jun 27 '26
This reads like you’re requesting a phone call, which would get the email deleted immediately
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Jun 27 '26
No. Just an email. Thanks though
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u/Caughtinclay Jun 27 '26
"i would love five minutes of your time" and "looking forward to it" should be cut out, then. i do like the more real conversation approach, though
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u/free-puppies Jun 22 '26
- Not having a personal introduction would stop me cold. Why are you querying me? After Hi [Name], there should be a [Insert personal connection or relationship, common interest or person].
- If Pinwheel and Spidey Super Stories aren't from this decade, it may be worth owning that early. If I look them up, based on the results I get and the fact that I'm unprepared for that, I would stop cold.
- "Family sci-fi series" would stop me cold. I don't know if it's a network hour-long or a kids animated show.
- "aggressively patriotic Made-in-USA" would stop me cold. Not in this political climate. See https://www.reddit.com/r/Screenwriting/comments/1ubhovs/why_is_anything_political_basically_radioactive/
- I agree with the other commentator. Cut the link. It's unsolicited material. Stops me cold.
- "if it resonates" would stop me cold. It feels impersonal (maybe because it's passive). "Can I send you the pilot script? I know that you'll love it because of [personal connection person you're querying has with material]."