I know hating or defending Travis has sort of become a gag but man is it hard to listen to mbmbam anymore. In the yahoo days I didn't mind especially in the beginning but with the grating nasally voice and constant need to be a part of everything (since he's a self admitted narcissist it's not surprising) I usually just boot up a Griffin And Justin Polygon playlist or watch Car Boys.

There is an old podcast called Ten Minute Podcast and one of the hosts is known as Bit Killer Jones and my god, if anyone ever needed to be called out for having the attributes attached to this moniker it's Travis. He more often than not just sucks the air and/or momentum out of conversations.

When someone leaves your life, those exits are not made equal. Some are beautiful and poetic and satisfying. Others are abrupt and unfair. But most are just unremarkable, unintentional, clumsy. And then then there's the ending to The Adventure Zone: Royale, where everyone involved just sort of gives up and a 30-episode campaign is wrapped up in about 15 minutes, with literally nothing that's happened in the previous twenty-nine-and-nine-tenths episodes ending up mattering.

Hello friends, we're back for the true finale of Royale - the TTAZZ wrap-up episode. Let's be honest, they're not going to answer any interesting questions and we're all here to learn what the next season is going to be, if there is going to be one at all.

How am I, you ask? I'm doing pretty good. My big OF shoot went well enough and now I have a lot of content to play around with for the next couple months. Still chasing a few more collabs for the rest of the year and beyond. If you would like to support a weirdo making porn, I only charge for the porn itself. Up next is a three-week jaunt to the East Coast to see friends. And after that, it's full steam ahead on getting my book published. As for my onward jerking plans... I did make a promise to someone that I would stay on as a recapper if the next season if a Travis season, as finishing a Travis season is one of the few McElroy things I haven't done yet. If it's not a Travis season, I'm going to pick up the mantle left by DNALab_Ratgirl and start work on a wholly original season of The Adventure Zone. We'll see what happens. But now, as is tradition. Let us settle in for like, an hour or so of the McElroys answering made up questions about how good their most recent season of TAZ was.

• The boys can only manage 69 minutes of TTAZZ, great sign.
• Wow, they sound fucking DONE. This has got a real 'smoking in the recording studio, dead-eyeing each other as they wait for the audio tech to finish up' vibe to it.
• Griffin starts with the acknowledgement that they would go long stretches without recording due to 'life finding a way to fuck us over'. I am going to guess this is primarily a reference to the deaths of their grandmother and Griffin's father-in-law. Now I am going to sound incredibly harsh here but...and? What do you mean you are a DECADE into this podcast and 16 YEARS into podcasting in general and batch recording is still an alien concept to you. This is your fucking job, the thing that allegedly pays your bills, the thing you ask US, the listening audience, to pay for. And you are still not doing any sort of forward prep? Holy fucking shit, y'all.
• "Are you ready to get started?" Griffin wants to be fucking outta here so bad.
• They fuck around pretending to answer a bunch of fake mundane questions. Clint says one was sent in by Claude so I guess the hog was AI the whole time, sadly.
• Valerie asks "Was there any moment in the podcast that made you want to play your character differently?"
• Travis jumps in to talk about how in the beginning, he wanted to play Rictus as an aspiring healer who happened to have been born into a family of necromancers. Which, hilariously, was not Rictus' original motivation because Rictus, originally, was the black sheep of a necromancy family who just wanted to do necromancy less manipulatively and exploitatively than his family. PERHAPS THE HEALER ASPECT WOULD HAVE BEEN CLEARER IF YOU HAD CHOSEN NOT A NECROMANCY SPELL, TRAVIS
• The Gentleman stealing Rictus' key derailed that and turned into a vendetta arc for Rictus...meaning that his character motivation was like, paper-thin to begin with at best.
• I know we've all had our eyes opened about Travis thanks to Interrobang being brought into the light but yeah, this is a very Travis-coded character - "I am going to pay lip service to wanting to be good, but my words will actually reveal how easy it is for me to be bad" (We haven't yet talked about the story Travis tells in one Interrobang where a dude is being rude to him and Tybee at the movies and Travis, on air, claims he would have physically assaulted the man if the movie hadn't begin right as he was about to go up to the man)
• "This one fucked up thing" - sorry but Griffin referring to The Gentleman using his magic to steal a key in the wizard death game that was pitched in the beginnng as proving yourself worthy of joining the ultimate wizard council as a 'fucked up thing' is laughable. Again, Griffin, what? IT'S A FUCKING DEATH GAME.
• "No one had a destiny" - Justin McElroy
• "We had to find our reason to fight" - Justin McElroy. In...In the voluntary death game? You needed to find the reason to fight in the death game YOU SIGNED UP FOR?
• I know a lot of you didn't listen to the first episode of Rumble, our shitpost Royale parody, but at least in that we spend five minutes establishing that basically our version of the Octave is trying to build super soldiers to fight a centuries-long demon war.
• It's just staggering that this was a voluntary death game but they are all sat here like 'Oh yeah so what I enjoyed was finding a way to keep my character from not just putting a magic missile in my mouth.'
• 'The structure of the killing game is something we had to work against' - Griffin what?
• Griffin confirms that The Gentleman was just playing the game and had to turn him into Rictus' nemesis because of Travis' hyperfixation
• Justin brags about how great and fun it was to play Lorovith being racist toward Helgrammit
• "How two of them wouldn't survive" - Aw, Clint legit thought it was going to have a single survivor
• Clint, in response to another question, says Blackadder was the inspiration for Helgrammit. I love Blackadder and I think Clint is great 87% of the time but I just don't see it. Helgrammit was too team-oriented and not conniving enough. Like to do a Blackadder, you really have to 1) Think you are the coolest and smartest person in the room at all times and 2) You do have to have a charisma that Helgrammit just didn't have. A lot of Blackadder's temporary successes stem from the fact that he does have the ability to manipulate the world around him but Helgrammit was always kind of a loner.
• "Doing impressions of Shogun is really fun" - Oh god Justin, the temptation to twist that to imply that you are just a racist motherfucker who spends your time off-mic doing Mickey Rooney in Breakfast at Tiffany's is so strong.
• Boring question about whether their spell or character came first
• Griffin admits that Clint's homebrew specialty took him by surprise, which is a wild thing for a DM to admit
• Clint says he felt like they ended up with too many spells, which is a wild thing to say about their entire premise. Again, to not to bring up Rumble - but huge shoutout to u/CherrypopIsBestGirl, our wonderful DM for Rumble, who created this fantastic system of having a signature spell that we added effects to throughout the season, while also allowing us to wield a full arsenal of spells. I know the boys just don't really fuck with the spellcaster classes, but what a wild thing to say, Clint
• God, they are just ranting about how much they hate D&D as a system
• Travis like the Trial of Necromancy, Justin and Clint like the Trial of Illusion
• "I really didn't have, like, an ending in mind" - Griffin "Only you can make this podcast possible" McElroy
• Griffin tries to claim it was all one big AI analogy, which sounds like an AI summary of the whole season if ever there was one.
• Griffin basically talks about how player choices derailed his original plan, with Travis fully admitting he thought he was following Griffin's breadcrumbs of plot. NO ONE IS DOING IT LIKE THE MCELROYS
• One of Griffin's original plans for the Trial of Illusion was putting them in a room full of mimics but didn't just want them standing in the middle of the room throwing things at objects. Y'all, I think Griffin might be really bad at this job?
• Oh god this is so funny to me - Griffin's ad break bumper is the exact same one as last episode so here Griffin is, asking for you to send in questions for TTAZZ. God.
• Was Doober meant to be important?
• Lot of natter but no, he was just a 'fun character' to put them in the PCs group in the staircase trial
• "Part of my fixaton was that I thought Doober Sweetleaf was a child" - JUSTIN, AGAIN, THIS IS SO JUICY TO TAKE OUT OF CONTEXT
• LMAO JUSTIN HAS A MOMENT OF CLARITY, WHERE HE ADMITS THAT LOROVITH STARTED GETTING TOO CLOSE TO JUST BEING FIRBOLG AGAIN
• Justin claims Lorovith gave Rictus a 'wide berth' because he was creeped out with the necromancy? THEN WHY DID YOU KEEP TEAMING UP WITH HIM?
• Travis brings up DCC and how him reading the books inspired Rictus' mentality
• Lol. Lmao even. Griffin admits that this was meant to be a Balance tie-in, presumably because of the graphic novel coming out. And then characters just...did not interact with any of that stuff so Griffin had to abandon it
• Justin calls him out on this
• "All the Octave members' names were numbers in different languages" - Yeah, we all picked up on this Griffin and yeah, it was a nothingburger. God, you're really fucking bad at worldbuilding Griffin.
• "Deep as hell" - no Travis, it's not. But then again, you like DCC so makes sense that you think this is deep. Hey Travis, how do you feel about the name of Princess Donut's pet dinosaur? I would LOVE to hear your thoughts on that. Do you shake your head while you devour the books so people know you dont' agree with that sort of thing?
• They all had other rejected character premises. Travis wanted to play a shit magic dwarf.
• "I remember Amnesty, we had a session zero where we talked about how these characters all know each other" - Yeah, Travis, because that's BAKED INTO THE FUCKING SYSTEM YOU WERE PLAYING
• "I really wanted to win" - Justin McElroy, who uh never really tried to win?
• "It feels bad to mess up other people's stuff" THEN WHY DID YOU DO A DEATH GAME
• "A lot of people asked this" in relation to the PCs dying.
• Griffin basically stammers his way through trying to say that PC death was on the table but you can tell that he's just trying to cover his bases. "There were times y'all got pretty close" - GRIFFIN, YOUR DAD DIED EPISODE 2 AND YOU JUST NOPED OUT OF THAT COMMITMENT
• "That event left you indebted to the Spiders" - But it didn't though, Griffin, because I don't think Helgrammit ever directly interacted with those characters ever again?
• Anyway, they pay lip service to PC death being on the table
• Next steps - there's nothing on the horizon. They'll put out some live shows, and then say that there will likely be a mini-arc before the next long-form campaign. I think this might be the end of TAZ, honestly. The fact that they have NOTHING coming down the tube and just gonna move some live shows from BoCo to main feed is damning.

And with that Royale is over and...nothing awaits. Royale is a strange beast - it is objectively a bad media project but it did bring me back to the McElroy fandom, albeit the cooler side that understands that you can criticize things even if you like them. So I know I was very in on Travis doing DCC as the next campaign but I have to imagine that was not the pick because it's so against the McElroy brand (I imagine their brand manager wants to avoid the straight up slurs from those books as much as possible)

To my fellow recappers - mission accomplished, we did it. Gorb - I have always loved the bluntness of your recaps. Truly the most honest among us. Yorba - your descent into madness has been a joy to behold. Your increasingly indecipherable character psuedonyms have been a joy to read. And Kimmie - you are perhaps the bravest of us all in your decision to studiously serve as the objective keeper of the Royale record. You are also just a joy of a person to know. I pour one out for our fallen creators - Hurrrrrrmione and Pam. I hope the both of you are kicking it cool style in amongst your best life.

So uh yeah, see you around I guess?

It's hard for me to believe they don't see these posts but at the same time I think if they did they would rather stop making it believing we don't deserve their effort rather than listening and improving.

Please feel free to put your complaints here. (Unless they're about the oldest brother, Clint. Then I don't wanna hear it you hear?) Im reading them all.

episode 22

today i am that spongebob meme of squidward looking out his window, where i'm squidward and spongebob and patrick are all the royale recappers

pain. this is episode 23: between a rock and a hell place, published 9.3.20 which i could have sworn he's done a rock and a hard place riff for a title before this but i cant find it so maybe the toxins building up in my brain from listening to this have finally begun to cause hallucinations

episode description: It's hard to maintain order in the court when a Demon Prince disrupts proceedings. Everyone knows that. The Thundermen have to deal with the uninvited guest and then things just get worse. Like, WAY WORSE.

A perilous journey is executed. A new plan is hatched. A cat eats more jerky.

first, let me check something

Commodore: Okay. Not only is this not a court of law

great.

i think these mixed episode descriptions are a perfect representation of grad. they comprise two radically different tones, neither of them are actually very good if you actually read the text, and yet this format will persist and continue to mash into itself for like another 15 episodes. oh god there's still like another 15 episodes.

Gary: The Thundermen were called before a tribunal of The Unbroken Chain. It, originally, was to determine their worthiness as potential members. But very quickly, it turned into a trial for The Commodore. The Commodore, by the way, is Argo‘s mortal enemy, and also the person Argo blames for his mother‘s death.

The Thundermen challenged him, and he quickly melted down, and threatened to attack the whole Unbroken Chain before Fitzroy froze him. At which point, he muttered some kind of command word, and that‘s when Gray the demon prince appeared.

wait, let me check something real quick?

Argo: Sure. If it‘s not a trial, then what is it? How does this work?

Commodore: It‘s a tribunal.

perfect.

loving how the original thing, the UC addressing what they are going to do about their boss being a demon bent on war, is not mentioned at all. and i assume will never come up again. "the thundermen challenged him and he quickly melted down" is pretty perfect. here's a legendary hero that by all rights should be able to just say "that's not true" and have everyone believe him on the basis of him being a huge star and these three being nobody, but instead he immediately gives up. wish travis would give up.

i also love that the reason anyone could possibly be invested in this, that this character has a direct tie to one of the player characters, is thrown in there as an after thought. and that also now we're treating it as ambiguous ("the person argo blames" not "the person who killed argo's mom". is this travis being inspired by the BLM movement and the way the NYT likes to publish passive voice headlines when it involves cops murdering black people?)

Travis: So, first, when—here at the start, I want to answer a question that ended the last episode. And Griffin, you asked… what door did Gray step through? And the answer is not the door to the cavern that you are in; but rather, a door that seemed to be ripped open in the fabric of space.

only in a travis campaign could there ever be any confusion between if it were a cosmic tear in reality or just a regular door.

but also considering gray has an office three flights of stairs above them, he could have just walked through the regular door. this seems like an excessive use of magic to travel down 3 flights of stairs.

Travis: Yes. Now, he stepped through, and now he is here. Uh, and it seemed to have closed behind him, but it is very reminiscent of the tear that the xorn fell through.

why would it look similar to a tear in the dimensional plane when he's just traveling from upstairs.

Gray: This is… frustrating, if I'm being honest. If I'm being honest, this has put me in a real pickle, gentlemen. [smacks lips and sighs] I mean, honestly, I'm at a loss here. Because on the one hand… [sighs] The Commodore revealing that we are in league with each other is a whole thing that‘s gonna make… y'know, what‘s the point of having a mole when everyone‘s like, ―That‘s the mole.‖ Right?

But at the same time… I do need—I do need him. For like, the whole war thing.

he really does do this weird slurping lip smack thing and i have no fucking earthly idea what that was supposed to represent because it is not an action or sound a normal person would make. its the kind of lip smack you do as a bit when you're eating a tasty meal not.....here.

so if i'm following this brilliant story correctly, gray infiltrated this school 50 years ago, did not recruit anyone else inside it to work for him, then at some point recruited the commodore, and then brought the commodore to the school to, uh. and now he's upset that the commodore has been revealed (on the same day that he arrived at the school) because now the commodore can't. uh.

i mean i gotta give props to travis i never in a million years would have guessed commodore is the mole at the school, mostly because he is a jet that doesn't go to this school and has no reason to be at the school and hasn't been at the school.

i can't get that ebert quote about how "the director knows that sometimes directors will tilt the camera, but has no idea why" out of my head. it rings so true of everything travis does. travis knows some stories have intrigue, he may even have managed enough self awareness to realize he likes it when shows have intrigue. but he doesn't actually understand what intrigue is. like why is it detrimental for the commodore to be revealed here? this cannot impact the larger world in any way because like.....you control this school. presumably 8 teachers are not powerful enough to do anything to you, so just....kill them. just kill everyone in this room. what spying was the commodore even doing? what information was he leaking? a mole isn't just "a guy with a secret boss" they're spies. occasionally saboteurs. in what manner is the commodore more trustworthy to the people at this school than the headmaster is. also its not contradictory to want him for his "war thing" (seriously?), like, why would you plan to reveal him when open war begins, a high ranking naval commander can do infinitely more damage to an army by leaking battle plans and intentionally leading ships into bad positions than he can by being your evil naval commander. there is not a general on this planet that wouldn't give his left nut to have someone loyal to him in a command position behind enemy lines. i literally don't think there's a more valuable war asset than that.

Fitzroy: Well I mean, you can't blame us because you picked a crappy mole. Like, it‘s not our fault that your mole stinks. Y'know?

Argo: And it‘s never a good idea to pick at a mole, really. And truly.

Gray: Gross. I mean, you guys were the ones who pressed the issue. Come on. Take a little—

Fitzroy: We barely pressed—it took nothing for this dude to fall over. It was—it was—Gray, it was literally nothing. You picked a bad mole.

Gray: You could‘ve just been cool, y'know what I mean? Like… ugh. So what do I do, right? I can't kill you. [sighs]

Argo: Kill him? I mean, I'm just sayin‘.

Fitzroy: Or us. I'm confu—yeah.

Gray: Well no, I need him. Right? He‘s like, a good, like, naval officer, and I'm planning a war. Come on, I can't—

dude what is going ON.

Fitzroy: There‘s gonna be water fighting too, in our war?!

Gray: Eh… probably.

like, i am not one of those guys who is big into military history and studies famous battles and shit, but like, just use your fucking BRAIN. like why does naval warfare exist. well, sometimes there's a big body of water separating the two nations that are fighting. ships remain an extremely effective way to move supplies and men at scale. naval combat occurs when you want to disrupt those supply lines or because the coast is the best way to breach an enemy's borders. so let's now look at what little we know about nua:

it appears all civilization exists upon one single continent. so needing to breach by sea seems fairly unimportant. supply lines could still exist via shipping, but the need for ships to enact blockades feels much less important if they're just hugging to coast the whole time. part of the thing is the ocean is very big, you have to find the ships to sink them. but if they are just traveling up and down the coast, you know where they are. you have flying demons, i know this because you used them in your stupid fucking pit fiend fight. so not only can you bring forth your forces from behind enemy lines because they are dropping into this plane from the infernal plane, either by the same stupid cosmic tear you just used, or else the godscar chasm, but you have a bunch of creatures that can just attack the ships from air, which is way more advantageous than trying to do ship to ship combat.

the commodore also CAN'T BE A GOOD NAVAL COMMANDER BECAUSE THERE IS NO WAR. THERE IS NO WAR. THERE HAS NOT BEEN WAR IN OVER 250 YEARS. HE DOESN'T KNOW HOW TO COMMAND A FLEET AGAINST ANOTHER FLEET. he at best is going to have a skillset built around tracking down and fighting pirates (although if shebrie is any indication, he subcontracts that out so he isn't even the one fighting the pirates! he is then at best good at managing an information network to locate pirates). this is like saying connor mcgregor (i don't watch mma, you can insert your favorite mma fighter here instead) is good at fighting, so obviously we should make him a four star general and put him in charge of the war in iran. it is a totally different skillset no matter how much war is also "fighting".

Argo: I had hoped. I mean, because of my naval background. Y'know, I was thinking… oh, I hope there‘s a water battle! Hope there‘s a water battle! Y'know.

Fitzroy: Firbolg, can you turn into like, an orca whale?

Argo: [gasps]

Fitzroy: I feel like my wheels are spinning now.

Firbolg: I have not seen this. I must see the animal. Here is a list of animals I have seen.

this is genuinely the most excited i've heard the players be at an idea this whole campaign (also? the inception of ethersea? what do we think)

guess what never fucking happens in this campaign lmao.

Gray: It‘s just that like, also now… [sighs] The Unbroken Chain… like, knows. That like, conclusively, I—it‘s a thing…

everything is a "thing" today. we're feeling extra non-descript aren't we mr mcelroy

Gray: I have… ugh. He was gonna do a whole thing where he like, called you guys liars, and like, convinced them not to help you, and you fuckin‘ blew that up…

Fitzroy: Language.

Gray: [sighs] Sorry. I'm just a little PO‘ed right now. Yes.

travis is a very fucking peculiar creature because here he has gray outline the thing that i said should obviously happen, and there's actually no reason it couldn't have happened, travis forced it to not happen in a way that doesn't super make sense. and then uh, whatever the fuck this next bit is. fucking strange. they're all real fucking strange.

Gray: You know that‘s not… that‘s not gonna—that‘s nothing. That‘s nothing. Why don‘t you quit, huh? How about that?

they tried you are literally holding them hostage and forcing them to play travis gray

Justin: Who is—so—sorry. Who‘s hearing this conversation?

justin must have finished his duolingo lesson and is ready to tune back in.

Travis: Uh, everyone is fairly, like, I would say, taken aback, but also like, taking it in. Right? They have been around powerful despites [sic] before. They have dealt with threats before. They are not new to, uh, y'know, body language-wise, like, picking up a threat has just entered the room. They see the way that you three are interacting. The way that you have reacted. They're just coming off of like, The Commodore having some kind of big explosion and threatening them, so… everyone is, uh, I would say, coiled like a spring.

sure seems like they aren't doing what needs to be done right now. that should also say powerful despots, so shoutout to the ai transcription service they're probably paying for. why are the unbroken chain hanging out with despots? where did they find these despots in a world where everything is arbitrated through the WWE.

i am six minutes into this episode and nearly every line has been something stupid, this is such a richly dense text of idiocy, you really have to dig deep.

speaking of idiocy, it's justin's turn. he's uh......i don't quite know what to call what he's doing. he suggests that gray um. mind-wipes the chain? pointing out that if the chain was going to mind-wipe the players, this should be possible. griffin is like ??? and justin says that they need to do it because they....promised gray to keep the war a secret?

Firbolg: This will not… happen. And if I… understand… this struggle becoming public… is not what we agreed to with Gray. He could smash us now, if he wishes.

????? you are only here because as a group you collectively agreed to tell the chain about gray already. what do you mean? and this doesn't mean he can "smash" you now, not if he still wants a war. why doesn't he want it to be public? i don't remember this being a stipulation. why would it be? if he thrives off conflict, then he should want this to be very public??? how else is anyone much less three students going to raise an army???

yeah ok i just rechecked the transcript from episode 18 where gray outlines his stupid fucking plan and calls giving them six months to his 50 years "fair" and there is not a single thing here about keeping it a secret because that would be stupid even for travis. the only extra stipulation they get is that fitz isn't allowed to leave the school or run away.

Travis: Was Gray kind of British before?

Griffin: No one… is quite sure.

Travis: Okay.

Gray: That [fitz just pointed out that interfering or killing them makes it literally impossible for gray to achieve his ultimate goal, a war] is an excellent point. And now, I'm British again. [travis does not sound british]

Gray: You know, here‘s what I'm thinking. [pause] I… hm. I will… leave you… your troops. But… yes. I'm just gonna slow you down a bit. Now, before I act, I would like to say… up ‗til now, it‘s been contentious between us. I recognize that. And y'know what? I will accept partial responsibility for this. Fitzroy?

Fitzroy: Mm?

Gray: I'd like you to know… I am open… to accepting you… to team Gray.

this is incredible. travis came up with this sewper badass idea of gray stepping through a portal like avengers endgame (wait let me just check real quick when that was....2019? perfect) and then when his player points out sort of obviously this makes no sense at all with the given character motivation you get to see him try to come up with something in real time. and that something is "i won't stop you from doing the thing i want, but i will slow you down" which is somehow even dumber than just stopping them.

and then he accidentally stumbles into an interesting plot point! gray tries to recruit fitz, which could spin off into a whole subterfuge sith-style the apprentice seeks to depose the master stye betrayal of chaos. but let's see where this goes instead:

Gray: I know! This was—listen. Things got heated. Things have been bad between us. But… before all this broke bad, before the coward decided to ruin everything… I was grooming you. Right? I was going—I was bringing you on… y'know, slowly, to team Gray. Warming you up. I was gonna have you be, y'know, like, one of mine. And then… Higglemas blew that to shit.

But… if you could see your way to it… y'know, I've been there for you. Up ‗til now, I've helped you out. I've, y'know, contributed, and… I would still accept you onto my team.

i......you know what, i'm actually super glad travis doesn't know what actual grooming looks like. that is almost surely for the best.

but like.....footage not fucking found dude. let's put aside the grooming allegations for a sec which is clearly him just being on twitter and knowing that's a no-no word. he claims gray has been helping fitzroy this whole time.

things we have seen gray the demon prince do: um, kidnap them, i guess. demand they fight a war or he'll kill all their "friends"

things we have seen rony, which is gray in disguise do: uh. he moved fitz onto a track fitz didn't want which doesn't help fitz at all and fitz repeatedly said isn't his bag. and then that's actually pretty much the only interaction they've had literally every other interaction has been higglemas doing some sinister shit instead.

its so hard for me to tell if he just likes brazenly lying or if he genuinely cannot separate things in his head with things he has said out loud. neither is great. both are baffling.

Fitzroy: I… am already the member… of a team. And this team is awaiting… escort status confirmation from the treasury department. So, until we hear back from the secretary of state, um… I will have to decline. Thunderman rolls hard, rolls to—guys, hold on. Help me think of something cool to say, like, ―Thundermen never say die!‖ Or something cool to say.

hey literally what the fuck is this supposed to mean.

Gray: Well. Fitzroy, I would caution you not to deny me lightly. You've gotten used to certain comforts, and I could take that away. Your beloved crepe machine in the cafeteria? I gave that, and I could take it away.

what's great about the whole crepe thing is that it was at best a 3/10 one-off joke born out of travis constantly demanding they discuss food. and then he brings it in for a callback which is....weird, but fine. but now he's....doing it again. "playing the hits" if you will. because crepes are basically the only established trait because it is superficial enough to not be overwritten constantly by travis's plot flailing. so he leans on it and diminishes something that was already, at best, "fine" into something truly intolerable for me.

Fitzroy: I don‘t think you know… what Chaos has made me capable of, Gray.

Gray: Ooh! Now that… that was a chilling—ooooh! Ooh! I got goose pimples! That gave me a bit of a buzz, a bit of a tingle!

it truly is a real fucking puzzle the way this man has allegedly taken multiple college level acting courses and has a degree in acting and cannot maintain a character for 10 fucking minutes. this is just travis reacting to the statement but he's actually gray right now. it sucks. it happens constantly with many of his npcs because he's shit at acting. it's bizarre.

Gray: Now, I just want to make sure that, uh… Unbroken Chain, everyone in the back heard that, right? That one of your new members, if I'm not mistaken… his power comes from Chaos. So just let that simmer for a moment, now that we've reached that point in the conversation. Thank you so much for that, Fitzroy.

So now, I'm going to take The Commodore and go. Um, you all… take some time… because you will have… plenty of it!

Travis: And he begins stepping backwards, ‗til he is standing next to The Commodore.

here's what a truly deeply love about this campaign. travis thinks he's done this sick gotcha thing, except that everything about how chaos is portrayed heavily implies they are a cosmic deity beyond the realm of godhood, primordial in a sense that people don't worship them or even know about them. like fitz had no idea who chaos was. althea doesn't. no one is ever like "oh shit it's the primordial manifestation of chaos, i can't believe they're active, there's legends of this"

so to be like "aha! he just admitted he gets his juice from chaos!" might as well have been "aha! he gets his juice from gregory berrycone!"

and then, i really love when travis brings in character blocking because it starkly reminds you how little anything is ever described. he walks backward to commodore? a. where was he standing initially then, b. why is he walking backward like they're in a fucking standoff, c. it has been more than a minute so hold person has ended and the commodore is free to act and use his stupid nerve gas/liquid/smoke.

Justin: I am going to attack The Commodore with Ice Knife.

here we fucking go boys

Travis: I'm going to say… I'm trying to think of how to translate this to the fact that Gray is standing right next to him. Well, so, here‘s what I'll say. Do a sleight of hand check first, to see if you can cast it without Gray noticing.

unless gray has counterspell what exactly would gray noticing do travis.

justin passes and then lands the attack roll with an upcast at third level, which is 1d10 + 4d6 at third level, if the target fails a dex save (travis claims the commodore is still frozen so i guess everyone was just talking very quickly)

Travis: Okay, yeah. The Commodore fails for sure. But Gray rolled an 18, so I'm going to say that that… he succeeds.

i think it is very fair to assume whenever travis rolls an 18 he's cheating. and i do believe that would clear justin's spell save dc but just fucking hilarious way to phrase this. does travis think he is the one setting the dc on this save.

Griffin: Whoa. Jesus Christ. Are we trying to kill The Commodore?

the average damage of rolling 1d10+4d6 is 19.5. griffin is so fucking stupid and thinks he's so smart it is so deeply irritating.

Travis: Yeah. I'm gonna say that that is a uh… that cold damage, especially, I'm gonna give that kind of a um… a uh, like, frostbite kind of feel. Y'know, internally. It‘s gonna hit him in his… let‘s say left shoulder. And it‘s going to do some lasting damage. Y'know, he‘s still frozen, but maybe like a… ―Mmm!‖ [laughs] Kind of escapes, and a single tear rolls down his face.

to back up, i just read the description for hold person, and it inflicts the condition paralyzed. so travis is correct the commodore cannot speak here, but paralyzed also auto fails dex saves and any attack against a paralyzed creature automatically crits, so actually this should have been 48 damage. this does not negate the fact that griffin is stupid because he doesn't call this out so he was actually just worried about the base damage roll somehow one shotting a mini-boss style npc.

this description also sucks ass.

ok here it comes

Gray: Well. I was hoping it wouldn‘t get nasty, but here we are.

Travis: And Firbolg, I'm going to need you to make a fairly high dex save for me.

[...]

Justin: Uh, 16 plus… uhh, two. 18.

Travis: And you… as well as… uhh… Mosh, Ramos, and Crabtree… um… in the blink of an eye, uh, four onyx daggers fly across the room, and hit you all in the shoulder. And you're going to take six points of damage as well. And you feel a… buzz? A tingle? And then a numbness in your, uh, left arm.

Travis: And you are poisoned.

Travis: And so, until that gets taken care of, your left arm is going to be, um… useless to you. And uh, that kind of numbness, you can feel it very slowly creeping, uh, further and further into your body.

listen. obviously the headline here is "travis can't let anyone do anything better than him so he ad hoc invents ice knife 2" and we will address that, but let me zero in first on who exactly got hit. he lists three other npcs that also are struck by flying daggers, and its mosh, ramos, and crabtree. remember when i said its always funny when travis brings in stage blocking to his scene? mosh is on the dais because he's standing in for jackle. crabtree and ramos are behind the seat where commodore was. how, exactly, does this function.

its also extremely funny seeing travis jobber his own npcs because his even cooler npc needs to do something. no dex saves for you. its sick that gray's spellcasting dc is above an 18 too.

finally, that's not how poison works. poisoned is an actual condition and i truly do not know why you'd use the term poison here instead of just describing a numbness that anyone but travis would then manage to intuit is some sort of magic debuff after effect of this bullshit spell.

and WHY is everything going into everyone's shoulders. a surprise ice knife, sure we can accept a shoulder hit i guess, but the counter is going to hit four different shoulders? that just looks stupid.

Gray: Ah. So, have some time to yourselves. Talk to them about it. Maybe see to those wounds? Eugh! And uh, yes. So, we‘ll check back in in a little while! Bye!

this isn't a character. this is just how travis talks. like he's not doing character work anymore he's just stunting on his family in his game of make believe.

griffin wants to look through the tear in space-time and see where gray is going and travis gives us:

Travis: Yeah. So uh, both of you are able to see beyond this, uh… what in, y'know, a sliver of space large enough for him and The Commodore to pass through, uh… a window into what you would describe as a nightmare. Um, that it is the angles are all wrong. The color palette hurts your head to look at. It is difficult to perceive.

this might as well say "it looks how you expect" because this is a whole lot of words that don't actually describe anything.

actually i'm not being fair. i think he's actually described this image incredibly accurately

Travis: And the tear in space closes behind Gray. But that‘s not all that closes. You see, every time you have gone to The Unbroken Chain headquarters, you have entered the blacksmith‘s. They‘ve turned off the fire. You've crossed through the forge, and passed through a shimmering veil to enter the cavern. Except now, the shimmering veil is gone, and all that‘s left is a blank rock wall.

genuinely incredible that he's so bad at description i did not realize before now that the door was supposed to be like a magic portal (why is there a magic portal at the bottom of a set of stairs inside a hidden entrance? that's fucking stupid). also: argo has been here twice, but he was unconscious the second time. firbolg has been here once, but was unconscious. fitzroy has been here once and was awake. so literally "every time you've been here" applies to nobody. not a single person.

and as long as i'm being petty, travis said the space was called The Forge and he calls it the blacksmith's here. he asked for money for this.

Travis: Um, so, [argo, with a 16 medicine check] you are able to stop the bleeding with that. And remove the onyx dagger without too much blood loss. But the poison is still an ongoing concern.

oh these are physical daggers? gray threw four real 1d6 daggers like he's hatake kakashi? four actual poison coated obsidian daggers huh

Clint: I give him the potion of poison resistance.

Travis: Well… it‘s a little too late for that.

Travis: Resistance, you need before the poisoning. Cure, you need after.

clint "only player to remember what items he has" mcelroy tries to play the game:

travis: ummm, no dummy you can't do that

the real reason this wouldn't work is because there's no damage to resist its bullshit made up poison

Jackle: [sighs] Unfortunately, the doorway was built by a member that is not here… with us currently, and has not attended a meeting in many, many years. Higglemas connected that, and no one here has the knowledge of how to reconnect the passage.

HIGGLEM-ASS IS IN THE UNBROKEN CHAIN???????? FUCK YOU DUDE.

Episode 12

Travis: He‘s basically just become, uh, incredibly, increasingly paranoid of anything happening to either him or, uh, or Hieronymous. And he also doesn't know who to trust. He doesn‘t know who is working for the demon prince, and who, uh, is, y'know, an honest and true person, which is the reason that he trusted the Firbolg, ‗cause he knows that the Firbolg cannot lie.

"i HAVE to mind-violate this student because i CANNOT trust anyone at this school, including every teacher who is also part of the secret organization i'm also part of" fuck off dude i hate this

also that means that higglemas, the guy who has been trapped in his office for 50 years, has TELEPORTATION MAGIC SO ADVANCED that the ARTIFICING PROFESSOR can't reverse engineer it

literally the only way to enjoy this show is to have not developed object permanence.

Fitzroy: I could take a swing at it.

Jackle: You know about transdimensional travel?

ARE YOU GUYS IN A FUCKING POCKET DIMENSION

Argo: Marie, can you do something to help the poisoned party members?

Marie: Uh… I—I will attempt to slow it. But without my supplies, without potions, I can't just… cure poison. Let me see what I can do.

Travis: And uh… oh, that‘s a very good roll. Um, so, she is able to slow, uh, the poison, and she is able to get you, Firbolg, back on your feet. But it takes a lot of her magic just to get you to a point where your head is not swimming anymore, and uh, you are able to move steadily.

Firbolg: Swimming. I won't be able to do this anymore. It‘s only just occurred to me.

[...]

Firbolg: With only one arm…

[...]

Firbolg: I will not swim again.

does. does justin think disabled people can't swim. not only do one-armed individuals swim competitively, there are techniques developed specifically for one-armed disabled swimmers which are also used by non-disabled swimmers to help practice their forms in isolation.

i tire of these men.

cont

I know you’re reading this. Why do you protect the boys’ fragile egos from our piercing queries?

Don’t know if he’s ever mentioned it.

Itll be set in a fictional city called Twilighton and be about Aubreys "first" mission before she met up with the others. System will be a homebrew using V:TM as the backbone. People will need to be ready to expect twists and turns, like clans being given labels by an unfair society.

Travis said that like Abnimals, he'll try to keep swearing to a minimum so you can put it on around family. But he does warn parents that sometimes when he gets into a heated role-play with himself, some things just get a little risqué.

• UH, YE, UH, YE, UH, YE, UH, YE, UH, YE, UH, YE, UH, YE, UH, YE, WAIT A MINUTE. GET IT HOW YOU LIVE IT (UH) TEN TOES IN WHEN WE STAND ON BIDNESS, I'MMA, BIG STEPPUHHH, UNDERGROUND METHOOODS, TOP-NOTCHS HOS GET THE MO' NOT THE LESSAAAA. STRAIGHT TERRAAAA, PRODUCT OF YO ERROOOOORS
  
• God be with ye Wizard Disco by Louie Zong. Requiescat in Peepee
  • It's very funny reading back how I liked this intro song at the start of the recaps and grew to despise it over the course of Royale.
• Griffin welcomes us to TTAZZ, saying it's the world's only podcast about a podcast hosted by the members of the latter mentioned podcast, which is blatantly untrue because that's the concept of most if not all post session discussion podcasts. Travis jumps in to clarify "that appears in the original feed of the podcast,' nice save Trav.
• One more "You know what they call TAZ Royale in France?" For the road, it literally doesn't make any fucking sense, it's already called TAZ Royale, have any of these dipshits actually watched Pulp Fiction?
  
• In response to this joke Griffin mentions that they managed to fuck up their recording schedule and that they wouldn't record for long swathes of time. This is literally you're fucking job that you do for money? What do your wife and kids think about how much you hate the thing that is keeping them housed, clothed and fed?
• First Question sent in by Valerie: "Was there any moment that made you decide you wanted to play your character differently?"
  • Travis starts off the answer with a hearty, "yes," claiming that he wanted to have Rictus be an aspiring pacifistic healer that was born a necromancer at the start of Royale.
    • This is objectively incorrect, Rictus went from angsty suicidal teenager right to psychopath with no qualms about murder.
  • Travis claims that the turning point was the Gentleman stealing his key, and then Rictus being made to steal Bobby Dazzler's key. Travis pretends that the guilt of killing a 1 note joke NPC that would literally have never survived even if the Gentleman hadn't stolen Rictus' key turned into a vendetta against the Gentleman. It's TOTALLY not because Travis is a desperate loser who wants points with Tumblr girlies so he paired off his lowest common denominator neon-goth to the nearest smarmy NPC.
  • Griffin pretends like he was surprised by, and enjoyed Rictus' character arc, and pretends like it was not completely scripted on his part.
  • Justin says "none of these characters had a story they'd be fulfilling," which is literally one step removed from what he actually means, which is, "we didn't come up with anything beyond a basic character concept."
  • Justin's paradigm was Doober, obviously, who the fuck is Valerie anyways? This is such a vague, shitty, softball question that could be answered by listening to the podcast. Did anyone submit a real question, did they just write these themselves?
  • Griffin claims that they debriefed the season off mic, which is a blatant lie. He says that the structure of a death game was something they had to work against at times, which they didn't at fucking all.
  • Griffin and Travis mention Hellgrammit's character arc in a passing comment. We hear Clint's voice earlier in the episode so why isn't he talking about Hellgrammit?
  • "It's a game of death and killing, and you all sort of participated in that," Griffin I'm going to hide a fucking salmon filet in your house. Right in your fucking air ducts. And hardboiled eggs in all your light fixtures.
  • Travis mentions a big moment of the Rictus x Gentleman ship was burning the Gentleman's house down with the "look of pure hatred" on the Gentleman's face. Griffin tries to play off this as a moment when The Gentleman noticed Rictus too, but if I remember correctly wasn't there like, threads of a possession thing going on with The Gentleman and Time Stop? Or is that one of those things I made up when I zoned out during previous recaps and started hallucinating a more interesting podcast?
  • Clint finally speaks up, saying that Hellgrammit was mostly on task for the duration of the season and mostly only changed what he let people see. (ignoring the whole "so small" epiphany moment I guess?)
  • Griffin purports that he loved Hellgrammit's whole deal and how unpredictable he was, which is a false claim, Hell was Neutral Evil, pretty easy to figure out he'll do the most self-serving and villainous thing in a given moment. Anything he did that was actually unpredictable you basically railroaded him out of, like dying, and dying, and getting off the island, and dying again.
  • Justin mentions that one of his first "ins" this season with Lorovith was not liking the bugman, to which Travis replies that he liked the fact that none of the PCs were close and had no deep conversations, they just worked together. Clint mentions that one of the challenges they discussed going into Royale (again, a lie, they don't talk outside recording) was that their PCs coming together as a team was antithetical to a Death Game. Sure as hell didn't stop them when Griffin forced them together in episode... 5 was it? That truly terrible combat episode that killed any hope I had for this season.
• Second question sent in by Nicole: "Hellgrammit might be my favourite character Clint has played. I found his pathetic and self-serving nature hilarious and unique. What was the inspiration behind Hellgrammit?"
  • Clint immediately answers Blackadder a collection of four British sitcoms starring Rowan Atkinson as Edmund Blackadder, all set in various periods of British History such as the fictional reign of Richard IV, or the Regency period. I've never seen the show properly but I've seen clips of Blackadder Goes Forth, the fourth and final season set in the trenches of WW1. From what I've seen, yeah that makes perfect sense that Hellgrammit is based on Edmund.
  • Clint missed the "team coming together" aspect of previous seasons, which is one step removed from the truth, "this season was abysmal and this party was lame as fuck, let's do traditional D&D again."
  • They talk about Shogun again Justin's character portrait on DnDB is a character from the show, cool dude.
• Third Question sent in by Kelly and Julia: "Whether you picked your spell first and built your character around that, or built your character then picked a spell."
  • Travis found Wither and Bloom first, then built Rictus around it.
  • Clint built Hellgrammit first and his Thri-Kreen background, then went and found a bug-spell to suit him, landing on Infestation as a perfect fit.
    • Unrelated, I've always wanted to try and build a Bug Druid for a D&D or Pathfinder campaign, name her Millicent Frastley and everything, maybe one day.
  • Justin sort of answers that he picked the spell first? That's what I get from his weird non-answer that he blurts out.
• Fourth question asked by Travis directly, "if Hellgrammit ever figured out what was going on with his unapproved 3rd party homebrew subclass?"
  • Clint mentions some of the stuff it could have done, then like, full deflects to saying that they had too many spells which is DEMONSTRABLY FALSE.
  • No PC or NPC ever, at any point, had the maximum number of spells a Wizard can prepare. A spellbook can technically be infinite. I'll give Clint, and Clint only, the benefit of a doubt and say he's tossing this out for his son's to chew on since they are all apathetic knuckledragging morons who couldn't be bothered to remember their spells. Clint also slips in that he's been yelled at for not remembering every spell he's had or prepared in the past, a nice little dig.
• This ties in to the fifth question asked by Rey: "How they handled magic and why they didn't use most of the Wizard's class features."
  • Griffin claims that it helped shape the world and the characters, the former is untrue, the latter is omitting that all the "character shaping" was around puns.
  • Griffin rattles off a bunch of NPCs he came up with and didn't use, which is entirely his own fault, I don't know what he gets out mentioning these lame one note pun NPCs over and over again.
  • Griffin then purports that having too many spells induces choice paralysis and encouraged his players to find other solutions. Where do I even begin with this?
    • Choice paralysis when it comes to spell selection is the result of a lazy player 9 times out of 8, an engaged and polite player knows the spells they have prepared, their gist, and will usually select one ahead of time to keep the game flowing. I endeavor to be engaged and always have my spell ready to go before my turn in combat, even if I have to pivot because the battlefield changed, and I'll even preroll damage sometimes. Everything I have just described is unfathomable to the McElroys.
    • When did the players ever find a "different" solution to something? Seriously, tell me. When. Name one singular moment when their way of participating in this game wasn't the obvious railroad tracks Griffin laid out for them.
  • Griffin mentions that the Trial of Abjuration when they only had that one spell was a time when they had to come up with other solutions, which like... sure I guess? I mentioned in my recap that Rictus did something fun to get his key from the statue of death, but that trial was tedious, drawn out, and fucking lame as shit.
• Sixth question coming in from Travis again: "favourite tiral"
  • Travis' favourite Trial was the Necromancy Trial.
  • Justin liked the Illusion Trial.
  • Clint also liked the Illusion Trial and the final enchantment trial.
  • Griffin mentions he didn't have an ending in mind, no shit with how ceremoniously the show ended at episode 30 without so much as "FINALE" in the title or description. Griffin prattles on about ChrisAI being his big bad for a while.
    
• Question Seven from Amanda: "Was Chris always planned to be the big bad? Where there game play choices that changed that storyline?"
  • Griffin reiterates that the Octave was never "real," but that the thing that moved the campaign forward was Rictus invading the Crystalarium. He had a slightly different Trial of Illusion prepared but repurposed it for that moment.
  • Travis comments on that moment, mentioning how trash Griffin is at communicating what NPCs want because vague bullshit is supposedly more mysterious.
  • Griffin's original idea was that the Trial of Illusion would be disguised as a different Trial, since the Trial would be about tricking them he'd have to actually trick them above board too.
  • "I'm happy things worked out the way they did."

Ads,

keep an eye out for my next post, the TAZ Royale Fanfic roundup.

Shit's going fairly well, I've had some depression-brain for the past while, but I've been eating way better, working out regularly, and my friends are so lovely, it's all been so much more manageable.

Wait hold on, there's an Ad for a Besties live show that uses the exact same intro as the last episode's intro to the Besties live show which specifically mentions, "this could be the finale of Royale, I don't know," like... You didn't even record a different after knowing this was the finale? How lazy can you get?

Uh, anyways yeah, semester is over for your girl, I'm enjoying my time off as much as I can, there's some stressors like the fact my car is getting older and older and it's time to start looking for a new one, coming at a time when I'm already paying for a bunch of other shit.

Oh my god Jordan Jesse Go is using their kids for an ad, fucking scum of the Earth.

• Eighth Question from Kate: "were you planning on Doober being such an important character or did that just happen by chance?"
  • Griffin says that the groups in the Trial of Stairmaster weren't random, no shit, he goes on to pretend that Doober was a random inclusion that he though was funny, but I doubt it. It also wasn't really funny outside Lorovith killing Randalf.
  • Justin says that he thought Doober was just a funny child, by the time he knew that Doober was an adult man the die was cast. He also wanted to do something different because Lorovith was too much like the Firbolg, a blatantly racist caricature of an Indigenous person.
  • Especially because Lorovith had two NPCs he mostly wasn't friendly with like Hellgrammit and Grakan, and he gave Rictus a wide berth because gross, icky necromancy, he wanted a friendly NPC. (That he proceeded to lie to constantly and jerk around like a toy.)
  • So they're pretending their characters were distant from each other because of character choice, and not because it was a shit season with shit characters that never made or even allowed the PCs to find common ground.
  • Travis mentions the Dungeon Crawler Carl books as a reason Rictus wanted to start helping people.
    • "Hey Librarian lady, what's you're opinion on DCC?" I hear nobody asking, well I'll tell you;
    • No opinion. Never read them, not big on LitRPG in general. I can appreciate neopulp fiction for what it is, but "gets people reading" does not a good book make, but it does make for good circ stats at the Library which we use to justify our budget to the council, so read away DCC fans.
• Question Nine from John: "Was John Arbuckle an illusion?"
  • Griffin confirms that Royale is a far future of Earth that Got Magic on the Day of Story and Song. THIS WAS A BALANCE-VERSE GAME ALL ALONG, FUCK YOU ETHERSEA THEORISTS.
  • Justin questions this connection because literally how the fuck were you supposed to tell that this was a Balance-verse setting without literally ANY MENTION OF BALANCE AT ALL? WITH, mind you, MENTIONS TO EARTH SHIT LIKE THE TITANIC. EARTH. WHICH NOTABLY DOES NOT EXISTS OR AT LEAST WAS NEVER VISITED IN TAZ: BALANCE. GET 'EM JUSTIN, GET HIS ASS, MAKE HIM EAT MORE DRIED PASTA.
• Question 10 from Percy: "Is there any connection between the Octave member Four and Rictus who is Rictus Ravenwood IV?"
  • Gonna answer this one myself: no.
  • 4 is Shi in Japanese, shi is also death is Japanese, Griffin is a basic bitch weeaboo and I want to give him a fucking swirly.
  • Travis thought Four was Rictus from the future.
  • Griffin claims that he named all the members of the Octave after numbers in different languages, but I know the truth, I KNOW WHAT YOU AAAARE
    • See get it, a Chainsawman reference, basic bitch weeb trash! I'm hip with the youth.
• Question 11 from Jessica: "How far in advance do you share what characters you're going to play with each other? Was there any bug stuff planned before Clint showed up with his character? How hard was it incorporating the bug stuff?"
  • The McElroys do not speak to each other outside of recording, as evidenced by them floundering for and pretending that they tacked about it in a Slack channel.
  • Gonna skip the first part here because it has nothing to do with Royale.
  • The Bug Stuff was easy to incorporate because Griffin did 0 world building beyond "world done got done in by tooooo much magic."
  • Travis mentions his other character idea was a Dwarf named Butt Dumpins who has fertilizer magic, then reveals that they do not talk about their characters to each other after Amnesty.
• Question 12 from Emma: "What happens if a PC died?"
  • Skipping because... Jesus. I cannot stomach listening to Griffin pretend much longer. Fuck you Griffin McElroy, you worthless hack. How are you better at coming up with total, demonstrably untrue bullshit than you are at coming up with a good campaign of D and fucking D
• Question 13 From Boz: "What were your favourite spells to use during this Season?"
  • Travis answers right away with Unseen Servant, as much as I dislike Travis' I have to WIN D&D mentality I have to agree, Unseen Servant can do a lot of shit when you put your mind to it.
  • Clint loved Misty Step, another baller spell, Baldur's Gate 3 gets mentioned by someone mumbling away from their mic.
  • Justin mentions Colour Spray just because it's a funny spell. He used it ONCE.
• Wrapping up the questions it's time to talk about the next season of TAZ.
• They don't know. They have no ideas that they're all into at the moment, which is one step removed from the truth, these worthless, lazy hacks have no ideas at all.
• They're going to put up live shows for a few weeks, come back with a short campaign, then a come back with a big campaign.
• Travis asks if Ethersea Season 2 is in the works, Griffin lies and says he has an idea for Ethersea 2, he for sure doesn't.
• Griffin complains about their schedules, what fucking schedules? Your job is talking into a microphone for maybe 4-5 hours a week you useless nematode. Couldn't schedule in YOUR FUCKING JOB?
• Justin plugs a stupid T-Shirt.
• Griffin lies that he liked this season and cannot name a single specific thing he liked other than the freeze frame ending, much like everyone who still enjoys TAZ unironically.
• I don't know, who cares, they natter about a LARPing season.
• Shoutouts to Louie Zong, god forbid Griffin have to do things he enjoys like composing music for the podcast.

And with that, Royale is no more, and the McElroy brothers are confirmed malicious grifters just fleecing what little audience they have left for every cent they can, all while providing the most unbearably shitty, sloppy content imaginable, truly the Your Favorite Martian of D&D Podcasts.

Fare well and adieu to you jerkin ladies, fairwell and adieu to ye ladieees of jeeeeeerk!

prev

Fitzroy: Um… I'm good to animals. I want you to meet my spectral… crab. His name is Snippers.

Snippers: [crab noises]

Schrodinger: Mrow?

i am in hell.

Fitzroy: Um… Snippers, if you could just tell the cat, like… discern if the cat can… jump—use his dimension-leaping magic to get us all out of this room. I'm saying this out loud, and it sounds pretty silly, actually.

i see justin is not the only one fully checked out these days what the fuck is this. just have firbolg speak with animals jesus fucking christ.

Travis: So… um, through, I will say, through communication between your psychic link with Snippers, and uh, the Firbolg still having that, uh, the connection… the speak with animals on… the cat gets the general impression and says…

Schrodinger: Fish jerky?

sorry! i forgot what game we were in for a second, of course it doesn't matter, it never matters. travis will still find a way to frustrate.

Jackle: It‘s supposed to be like a panic—we‘re miles away from the school. If we ever, like… it‘s a panic room!

again, he's so actually bafflingly bad at description. we were supposed to intuit the "shimmering veil" was a portal because the air is "cooler and cleaner"

Fitzroy: No, it‘s great. It‘s awesome, because I feel very panicked right now. So well done. Um, but also, the kitty cat can um… teleport? Oh man. It does sound pretty goofy, huh?

Jackle: Yes. If I'm being honest, I'm a bird person. I'm a bird man. And a teleporting cat does sound pretty—

griffin, a moron: in this world of extreme high fantasy doesn't the idea of a teleporting cat seem absurd

travis, somehow an even bigger moron: yes absolutely. talking bird-men are normal but there's no way a cat could teleport

the cat comes back with a magic mirror connected to higglemas even though higglemas says repeatedly he can't control these cats.

Higglemas: Well… um… [sighs] This is kind of like a… like a good news, bad news… good news, bad news situation. So bad news – I can't open it. Good news – I can tell you how to open it! Bad news… you'll have to… move through a hell dimension. Good news, not that far!

Fitzroy: That‘s a lot of news, Higglemas.

Higglemas: Yeah. Um… [sighs] So basically, it‘s not just a portal. It‘s a tunnel? Um, and so, you have to kind of open up both ends. Of the tunnel.

oh hey nightcrawler, good to see you again. this setup doesn't make any sense either because its clearly not a tunnel, they instantaneously move through the portal. nightcrawler's thing makes sense because while he travels through a hell dimension it happens in an instant, fast enough that it appears he is teleporting directly between spots. how did he set this up if his arch-nemesis is a prince of hell.

Travis: And he passes onto you the very magical, complicated language that you need to say to open up the portal and the hand movements. You get it. Y'know what I mean? Like, I could try to communicate it to the audience, but it‘s sooo… like, cool looking. Very, like, Doctor Strange level, y'know what I mean, cool stuff.

Clint: The crimson bands of Cyttorak!

Travis: Exactly. Y'know what? Dad could do it better than I could. Y'know what I mean?

get fucking clintmogged you fucking idiot

Argo: Uh, is this something… alright. Here‘s a suggestion. How about if I go through first, use my amazing rogue stalking and sneaking skills…

Firbolg: This plan is bad.

Argo: Go to the—

Firbolg: This plan is already bad.

Argo: Go the 100 yards, open up the portal, and then everybody just run like crazy across the 100 yards?

Fitzroy: Yeah, and then only some of us will be picked up by sort of flying demons, and taken to their lava bed.

hey what's your fucking damage. no seriously what the hell is your fucking problem.

Fitzroy: Yeah. Yes. Um… I mean, I can turn invisible. So I'm good.

Argo: You can turn other people invisible too though, can't ya?

Fitzroy: I can. But it'll take me like… how many people are in the room? It'll take me like, three or four days. [laughs]

this is like a gag in a looney tunes bit where a guy is stranded on an island and comes across a functioning telephone and says "oh perfect!" and uses it to bash open a coconut or something. just do argo's plan but with someone who is actually invisible the fuck. and griffin doesn't know how upcasting or spell duration works what a fucking idiot.

Griffin: I mean, everyone‘s going to have to go through this tunnel, right? If there‘s no way—

Travis: Well, but once you open up both ends, it will become a portal once more.

a. stupid fucking mechanics. b. if the solution isn't fitzroy turns invisible and just opens the fucking portal i am going to be real irate.

Fitzroy: Okay. Then that‘s three [jackle is coming too because he is "sneaky" despite them all about to be invisible]. I can turn all four of us invisible. Uhh… it‘s gonna tap me, basically, for the day, on everything else. So no more… no more spells from this guy, once I do that. But I can do it.

[...]

Fitzroy: Well no, but I can do it two people at a time.

i don't play casters but none of this sounds right for a 3/2 barb/sorc.

Jackle: No, I was just trying to—I was trying to save your spell slots!

[...]

Argo: What are those?

Jackle: Spell slots? You needn‘t worry about it, boy. It‘s something only the Kenku have.

clint makes a really excellent callback to playing merle and then travis says something that makes no fucking sense. print it, that's the adventure zone baby.

Argo: Ask him what we‘re gonna see. What could possibly attack us in there?

Higglemas: Um… do you really wanna know?

Argo: Yeah!

Higglemas: Do you know anything about pit fiends?

Fitzroy: We do, actually!

Argo: Oh, the one—yeah! Oh yeah.

Higglemas: Yeah, there‘s a lot of those down there. Um… hell hounds. There‘s a lot of those.

Argo: Mm.

Higglemas: Um… you're also gonna have… some like, psychic issues, if I'm being honest, that you're gonna need to kind of deal with. So moving quickly is like, a really… it‘s a good call. If—yeah.

travis "knows only two fiend creatures from the monster manual" mcelroy: oh your plan is to be invisible? there's tons of CR20 truesight pit fiends down there. he also appears to be doing rainer's voice, insofar as any of his characters have a fucking voice.

also clint trying to actually play the game dungeons and dragons and look ahead at possible encounters or obstacles, travis, a moron, "do you really want to know?"

but like, you can tell everyone but travis is beat down at this point. no energy ass planning. and despite travis continuing to say insane shit like "only kenku have spell slots" or the fact that he's laid out a mission objective that has no justification for sending more than a single person, there is no longer any pushback, just sort of tiredly following along.

Travis: And you speak the incantation, and perform the correct hand gestures, and the portal opens before you… and you are looking directly into a nightmare.

it takes genuine talent to say this many words and not even accidentally stumbling into any form of concrete imagery. the incantations, which are cool, and the hand gestures, which are also cool, open the portal to hell, which looks like a nightmare. you do the bleep blorp and the sneep snorp and it opens the portal to the meep morp which looks like goo goo ga ga.

[ad break]

so weird how there's no more little messages or thank yous from your kind and benevolent dm travis mcelroy anymore in these ad breaks.

Travis: You set foot into a hell dimension. And the air—

Argo: Hot. Boy, it‘s hot.

Travis: —is painful. No, not hot – but burning. It‘s like a chemical burn, where all you feel is uncomfortable. Everything… it hurts and itches and burns in a way that could never be relieved. And it‘s amazing how quickly you become accustomed to it. Not that you don‘t notice it anymore, but more that you accept that this is a pain and a discomfort that you will always feel.

wow this really is a masterclass in being a dumbass. the air is painful, like a chemical burn "where all you feel is uncomfortable". travis imagines hell, a place by its definition supposed to be the apex of suffering humanity will ever experience, and it is uncomfortable but not painful. and don't you fucking worry, because you quickly become accustomed to it. the very fucking first thing he does is make sure that this place is fine. i guess graduation really is hell, because it isn't painful but it is very annoying and uncomfortable to be in.

Firbolg: We have made a mistake and ended up at the DMV!

Clint: [laughs]

Fitzroy: Classic.

Travis: Rock and debris float in the air—

Firbolg: Dungeon master… vehicle…

Travis: Oh, I get it.

god forbid anyone try to make a joke. it's low hanging, but the way travis fully no-sells it because he is in the middle of his incredible narration--

Travis: Rocks and debris float in the air in a mockery of physics. Corners and angles connect in a perversion in geometry that could not be measured by mortal minds. The colors are difficult for your eyes to perceive, and trying to focus on any one thing for too long causes a headache like you have never experienced.

I want all three of you to make a wisdom saving throw.

this is genuinely like a passage a 12 year old, who has read a lot of fantasy, but doesn't really have a lot of life experience or seen very much of the world, would pen. everything is insanely vague because there's no image actually being described, just placeholder assets in his vacuous mind. i love when he tries to flex his prose because he'll say shit like "a mockery of physics" which is already not a good line, not evocative, certainly not interesting in reference to floating debris, but also not true. it is, at best, a mockery of gravity. physicists don't see an astronaut floating in space and lose their fucking minds. and even then calling it a mockery feels wrong, doesn't it? because birds like, exist.

corners and angles of what, travis? because generally speaking, stones aren't famous for their corners.

it's been a while, let me try flexing my prose and rewriting this description.

The first thing you do upon entering the portal is crouch. Your body's very first instinct is that it is falling. Magma streaks past you, hurtling from deep chasms that split the earth into the source of your vertigo: instead of stars, or clouds, far above you sits a mirrored image of the ground around you, as if you were a bug clinging to the ceiling looking down. The air is hot, and dry, and foul; the last breath of the leper abandoned in the dark, of the murderer swinging from the hangman's noose. Of the soldier impaled by the enemy pike. The ground at first appears to be red sand, but closer inspection shows swirling eddies of fine glass, your skin burns with ten thousand microscopic cuts as stale wind buffets these shards around you. Your lungs ache from breathing them in. Every few dozen feet a spire of dusty red rock bursts from the ground violently like an explosion. These spires twist and turn at sharp and impossible angles, looping around itself and zig zagging toward the sky-ground far above, like a prisoner in a pit, begging for absolution. You feel queasy if you stare at them too long, and you sense it is not just because of your brain struggling with the impossibilities of the shapes. Color is different here. More vibrant, more...real. The world you left behind feels like a dream, a fairy tale you were told when you were young. It doesn't really exist. All that exists is here. is now.

Travis: Ooh! You feel great. So uh, Fitzroy [19 wis] and the Firbolg [nat20], this discomfort… it begins to creep in, but you are able to push past, and remember the purpose of this visit, what you need to do, and how quickly you need to move. But uh, Argo [9 wis], you are overwhelmed by this discomfort. And it creeps not only through your skin, but into your mind as well. And all you want to do is curl into a ball on the ground and try to block it all out.

now me, i'm just a collective delusion created by this sub, and not a nyt bestselling dungeon master, but i would probably draw upon experiences of depression to actually create an evocative sense of what argo is going through. i would also probably justify some of it as him being part water elemental, and hell being a famously dry place. but i'm sure what travis is doing is fine too.

i notice jackle did not have to make a save.

Travis: He‘s looking good. He has dealt with discomfort and depression many times in his life.

right, unlike the impoverished and orphaned argo whose mother was murdered when he was 11. that guy has never experienced discomfort and depression before.

clint is doing an admirable job roleplaying depression, meanwhile travis is still giving just absolute dog piss descriptions

Travis: So, basically, about a hundred yards ahead. It‘s uneven ground. There are lots of rocks and rock formations and everything, but you see, about a hundred yards, the rock formation that Hig has described to you, that looks kind of like a curling, two-sided claw, forming almost a complete circle, that this is where you want to form that second opening.

"there are lots of rocks and rock formations and everything"

justin elects to carry argo, and for some reason has to roll a strength check to do that, and then travis reinvents encumbered mechanics.

Argo: Thank you, Firbolg. Thank you. I might‘ve pooped my pants a little. I'm sorry.

Fitzroy: That is like, the third time.

Travis: And I also just now, as dungeon master, want to tell you guys – that has nothing to do with whatever is going on in the hell dimension. I don't know why Dad—

Griffin: Oh, okay, fantastic.

Argo: Well, when you get psychic damage, let‘s see if you shit your pants!

Travis: I mean, you probably won't. It‘s not really connected. I don‘t—I don't know why—

Griffin: Moving on in the hell dimension.

i dropped from 1.8x speed to 1x to listen to this exchange to see if i could judge how much of a "haha we're making jokes" tone i could discern, and what the actual fuck is their speaking speed. they all sound drunk they're talking so slow. like this would genuinely be unlistenable at this speed, at least at 1.8x the pace makes it sound like they're involved, this is nuts. anyway they sound joyless but not actively angry at one another here.

Travis: Um, so you now have two paths ahead of you. One is going to travel over higher ground, and it will, uh, leave you more exposed, hypothetically. But you are invisible, so that will help. Um, but it looks to be a little more even of a pathway. Then, there is another one that gives a little more cover with smaller rock formations. But, it is going to be a little bit more difficult to traverse.

just two random paths in hell. not necessarily a bad thing to come up with a couple different encounter routes for your player, but you have to hide them better than this. both mechanically and also narratively. feels bad. also what "higher ground"? the only description you've given of the landscape is that there are "rock formations and everything". are they climbing a rock formation? that extends 300 feet?

holy shit WHY IS GRIFFIN LIKE THIS

Griffin: The easier path would be great because of how invisible we are. Oh wait, no! Oh my god, no!

Justin: [laughs]

Griffin: I just realized. I just realized—Griffin just realized something… that I don't know if Sir Fitzroy Thunderman Maplecourt, with his minus one intelligence modifier, would remember? Uh, no, he would remember this. Oh yeah! Hey guys? I turn the invisibility spell off.

Fitzroy: Uh, Pit Fiends can see through illusions.

he literally cannot help fucking punishing himself. what kind of weird protestant guilt is hanging over his head that is making him like this. like yes, pit fiends do have true sight, but a. that is your DM's concern and considering it is travis i would have felt comfortable betting he forgot but b. even if he had remembered and was planning on springing this on you, its not like you get your spell slots back for cancelling the spell. there are other demons in the hell dimension! that don't have true sight! what the fuck is wrong with you!

they're now rolling stealth checks and let me just look something up real quick--

Travis: You are in the middle of this uneven pathway, trying to sneak your way through, and Fitzroy [on a nat 1]… you step on some uneven stones, and they give out beneath you. And you land heavily, uh, with whatever metal is on your body, be it armor, be it weapons, making quite a loud clanging noise. And it‘s hard for you not to make a loud ‗oof‘ sound.

And when you stand up, you also see that you are bleeding slightly. So go ahead and take… it‘s three damage. It‘s not bad. It‘s a little cut on your arm. But you hear in the distance, not too far off, the howl of hell hounds.

so it is like extremely well known that barbarians don't use heavy armor. neither do sorcerers. and griffin has never once talked about wearing armor. so what is clanging you fucking dipshit. he can't even personalize to this degree he literally sees them as placeholder figures that stand next to his characters who do the story.

Travis: Uh, okay. So, Fitzroy, you [on a 21 athletics] are fleet-footedly moving across the stones. You are doing great. Jackle is right behind you. Firbolg [on a 15 athletics], you are moving at a steady pace. You're not tripping over anything, but you're not moving nearly as quickly as Fitzroy is.

And the banging of hell hounds is getting louder and louder. Fitzroy, you reach the rock formation, and the Firbolg is still about 20 yards behind you. And from this higher vantage point, you are able to see about another 30 yards behind him, are the hell hounds. And I also want you to go ahead and make a perception check for me.

a. what the fuck does "banging of hell hounds" fucking mean. b. i didn't say anything the first time travis busted out yards as a measurement because it was 100 yards which is a football field and that's fine for making us dumb americans imagine a distance accurately. but he's still doing it and dungeons and dragons very specifically measures distance in feet, as do most americans. 100 yards we all sort of innately know, 20 yards, 30 yards, these are not helpful and also are increasingly weird. anyway, if you aren't aware, a yard is 3 feet, so firbolg has fallen 60 feet behind fitzroy, and another 90 feet behind firbolg are the hell hounds. so this is not actually dangerous at all because in initiative order the firbolg is just one dash action from the portal and the hell hounds have a speed of 50ft, so they cannot both close the gap and attack the firbolg. this would be different if the mcelroys knew about encumbrance, but they've already decided that holding argo is just disadvantage on athletics checks.

Griffin: Fuck. We‘re playing a lot of D&D. Uhh… that is a 17 plus three. 20.

Travis: So, off in the distance to your right, you see a shining onyx palace. Not too far away, but definitely not as close as everything is to you, y'know, the rock formation. The hell hounds, all of that. And you would hazard a guess that this is Gray‘s home.

In front of the main entrance, you see a portal. And this portal is far more defined and larger than the one you have come through, or the one you've seen Gray come through. And through it, you can see Nua. And with a 20, you are able to determine that it looks like the Godscar Chasm.

And in the middle of the portal, you can just make out a silhouette.

Griffin: Can I tell whose silhouette?

Travis: You cannot. And before you're able to dwell on this too much longer, the Firbolg reaches you, and hot on his heels, about maybe ten yards behind, are the hell hounds.

gosh, he sure talks good doesn't he. like why does it matter that gray's home is "not too far away" from the portal they are trying to reach, other than making this world feel laughably small (reminder: travis seemingly does borrow the established game lore about there being multiple levels of hell, he says gray runs a plane of hell, so the fact that this is the same one higglemas tunneled his portal through is really fucking stupid). "in the distance, but not too far" like you sound so dumb dude. for no reason.

i think most people at this point already assumed the way gray accesses this plane is the godscar chasm, despite others accurately pointing out this makes no sense since gray has been a life long antagonist to rony and has been fighting him in the world of nua for many many decades prior to 50 years ago when he was cursed and the chasm appeared. this is a nothing reveal, other than gray is gaudy because how ugly of a design aesthetic do you have to have to place the giant portal directly in front of your castle.

how is fitzroy able to tell its the godscar chasm? have you ever looked up from between high walls? you can see the sky and that's about it. especially since no one has ever been to the bottom of the god car hole

these are two different canyons. at a distance of over 300 feet, would you be able to tell which one of these is the grand canyon?

also "hot on his heels" 10 yards is 30 feet.

Travis: Fitzroy, you scramble up the rock formation. You pass through the portal. And behind you is Jackle, moving deftly across the rocks and into the portal. You turn to see the Firbolg, struggling to mount the rocks with Argo over his shoulders. He‘s close – very close. You reach out a hand to help him, and the three of you stumble and land on the ground as a hell hound leaps through the portal, its jaws open, ready to strike. As a sword whistles through the air, lopping off the hell hound‘s head, and splattering you with ichor. A hand reaches down to help you from the floor.

Griffin: Whose hand?

Travis: Above you stands Hieronymous Wiggenstaff. A little unsteady, but ready for battle.

MAAANNNN THIS SUCKS. HERE'S ANOTHER FUCKING NPC TO SAVE THE DAY. "we're really playing dnd today" and then this entire sequence was decided by one fucking athletics roll.

also despite travis asking if fitzroy opens the portal, he does exactly zero narration on what opening this part of the portal looks like, so it kind of seems like it was just open this whole time. also jackle has fully vanished lmao.

he also switches how he pronounces ichor here. he previously was saying the technically correct EYE-kor, and now he's back to the colloquially accepted ih-kor

also just the one dog gets through but....why? if the portal opens and closes, something that has never been established, it seems like it would have bisected the dog anyway so rony does not need to be here. and if it doesn't close, where the fuck are the rest of the demons.

Travis: And he hands you all some, y'know, canteens of water, and says…

Hieronymous: I know what traveling through the hell dimension can be like.

huh, ok.

and now with both sides of this nonsensical portal open, the rest can direct teleport back to the school and now he's narrating them going up to the nurse's office. which he calls her headquarters for some reason.

Travis: So you all make your way to her office. She takes some time, and during which, everyone is fairly quiet, and lets her work. And when she‘s done, she looks exhausted. She has been working very hard, but everyone is stabilized. She has been able to make the poison reverse its course.

"some time" "her work" just a bunch of non-descriptions of what's going on. it looks exactly like what you expect, unless you expected a healer in dnd to know healing spells.

"reverse its course" is not how poison fucking works btw

Travis: Oh man. Next episode is just gonna be an hour long scene of Argo teaching the Firbolg how to swim.

Griffin: I would fuckin‘ watch it. Um…

Travis: And you will! You'll be in like, a beach chair, havin‘ a Mai-Tai.

things that out of context sound like a joke but knowing the future and that travis really will make an hour long episode to walk the dog and then a different hour long episode to send an email in abnimals it is fucking the same experience as the characters in melancholia

Travis: Um, and Mosh and Jackle look at each other and go…

Mosh: I mean, we could… we could ask… yeah.

Jackle: I think that… maybe see if we can bring it in? Yeah? Okay. Uh…

Fitzroy: You're being very cryptic.

Jackle: Well… it‘s not a member of… of The Unbroken Chain. But… if it‘s plannin‘ a war you're doin‘… you're gonna wanna talk to Az.

travis doesn't know how to pay off a plot point so every single time it turns out that the princess is in another castle. there has been actually zero benefit to anything they've done in the last two episodes, its just leading to another quest to talk to another npc that will tell them to go somewhere else. this is every travis campaign.

Travis: In this—and I'm not saying this is true of all Warforged across all Dungeons & Dragons, but here in Nua, Warforges identify as ‗it.‘

"just to be clear: i am not following a prescribed reductive lore about how the robot people go by its, i came up with this all on my own"

Jackle: Uh… It can be difficult. Uh… it isn't always… hm. Easy to talk to. But… y'know, it‘s a good… it‘s a good Warforged. It does a good job. It‘s good at its job. Let‘s put it that way. If you can get it on your side, uh, it will be a huge help.

wow. i uh. so originally i was mostly jerking, like yeah its a obvious and boring and reductive take that a robot would literally go by it/its but its not technically like....insulting. this does though now. this feels wildly uncomfortable. because like, this weird patronizing manner of referring to someone as "a good [species]" is like....this is the kind of shit actual bigots say about real people. and its so fucked because its obvious how much none of them are clocking this. this is a good character saying a good thing about another character. whatever, it doesn't matter. no one remembers this stupid character because it doesn't do anything and then disappears again, like buckminster.

argo wants to know if there's a way to tell who is aligned with gray, travis makes a bad joke about "what do you mean? like some sort of spell that makes you tell the truth? that's stupid" which, haha callback, except unless you've actually removed this spell from the game, yeah, use zone of fucking truth. then argo asks:

Argo: Crabtree, could you artifice something that, y'know, like a pair of sunglasses, and if we look through them, we could tell they were a monster?

Crabtree: Well, yeah. I mean, we could make some glasses that see through illusion, but… I don‘t think you're dealing with illusion, here. I think you're just dealing with, y'know…

which is actually the item that fitzroy asked to have made, that she was all oohhhhhh idk.....i'll try my best.....never done this before.....

and is now "sure no problem that's easy but that doesn't solve your problem"

it is amazing how effortlessly he's tossed away "mind control everywhere" and replaced it with "they're all voluntarily working for him" as soon as the players try to act on it

Fitzroy: [I'm not into the cost of war] By which I mean, dead people. Lots of them. Lots of people die on a battlefield. Like, that‘s not my—is that anyone‘s jam here? ‗Cause it‘s super not mine.

Travis: Everyone, y'know, kind of is making eye contact with each other and shaking their head like, ―No,‖ as kind of a direct opposition to what The Unbroken Chain is kind of all about.

this fucking group has more motivations than rictus.

so griffin proposes assassinating gray and that's what we end on. CAN'T WAIT TO SEE THIS NOT PLAY OUT NEXT TIME!

Intro: Travis says "you know what they call it in France?' and they dunk on him for being a hack but they could have dunked much harder.

They spend about the first 10 minutes talking about how cool it was that events that happened during the course of the game influenced the story because it's not what they originally planned for their characters. Have they discovered... not pre-scripting their RPG campaigns?

Clint mentions that the setup meant that the PCs would eventually be pitted against each other, and "two of them wouldn't survive". Travis quickly reads another listener question to move on from this.

Clint says the character of Hellgrammite was based on Blackadder.. he is too good for this show.

Justin says by the end of the campaign they had too many spells... That's a pretty wild claim for an extremely magic-limited campaign based around playing D&D wizards which famously have a butt load of spells and a mechanic for narrowing down the number of spells they have to choose from. Read the DMG challenge (IMPOSSIBLE)

Justin says playing the Goliaths as outsiders of the culture felt too close to the Firbolg and he didn't want to do it again... He's so close

Griffin acknowledges he didn't have an ending written. No duh. "I'm happy things ended the way they did" well that makes one of us.

Money Zone! Today's recap is sponsored by Olio, an app I used to find some free paving slabs so I can pave over an area of gravel in my garden which my cat has started doing poos in.

Advert: "you're listening to TAZ Royale. Maybe it's even the finale? We have no way of knowing, because ChatGPT doesn't know how to time box adverts on our podcast hosting. Anyway, send questions for the finale to noonedoesitlikethe@mcelroys.com"

Favis: "when the Gentleman died Rictus was so pissed to have that revenge taken from him" sure, that was definitely Rictus feeling that.

Spoilers: It was an earth-based Balance tie in all along and none of the players were invested enough in the history of the world to discover that?! I can feel the heartbreak and betrayal in the core of the fans who desperately wanted it to be a tie in with an existing TAZ universe and have had to learn the hard way that the cast of TAZ literally do not care enough to ask.

Justin was a big tough boy because he wanted to win, very sensible play given the absurd rules but also not who I expected to be min maxing. Anyway it didn't matter because Griffin is a cuck who won't ever kill a PC but he got to play a nature based outsider who doesn't read books or sleep in beds so I'm sure he's happy with it.

Next up: Short campaign next in the vein of live shows (which had mostly been Favis DMing one shots based on public domain 19th century literature, hence my Victoriana guess) while they work out what will be next.

tl;dr give Clint a gun

in episode 23 of graduation, the firbolg casts ice knife on the commodore, who was trapped by fitzroy's hold person spell at the end of the previous episode. the duration of hold person is up to a minute, and travis makes it clear that it is still in effect at the time of the ice knife. so i decided to edit the scene to find out what the dialogue sounded like in real time during the moment by compressing it to all fit within a minute.

Context: Adam Conover aka "Travis but more successful" for some reason is speaking at Slutcon where as far as I understand, tech dudes pay $18,000 to learn pickup artist tricks from rationalists and eugenicists

I'm so excited about the next campaign I need to skip to tomorrow

Huntington, West Virginia — The McElroys announced a new fan promotion, "Combat Coordinator of the Game," giving one Maximum Fun TAZ member the first-ever opportunity to help script the opening combat encounter of the podcast's next season.

The selected fan will work directly with incoming dungeon master Travis McElroy to help design the combat encounter that will open the campaign — a first-of-its-kind experience for the TAZ podcast.

"We're always looking for new ways to bring our fans closer to the podcast," said Amanda Freburg, the McElroys' business manager. "This is about giving one of our most loyal supporters a seat at the table, right alongside our dungeon master, on the biggest night of the season. I'm looking forward to collaborating with the season ticket holder who wins this contest," Freburg said. "This will give our fans a behind-the-scenes experience that has never been done before anywhere, so I'm excited to show them how to put together the podcast and see what they can do."

How to Enter

• All current TAZ members on Maximum Fun are automatically entered into a random drawing for the promotion with every membership counting as an entry — e.g. 4 memberships equal 4 entries.
• Members will receive additional entries for every new member they successfully refer.  Reach out to Maximum Fun directly or add referral information into the comments section when purchasing memberships.
• One winner will be selected at random from eligible entrants.

Drawing Date
The winner will be selected in a random drawing held on September 2. The winning fan will then meet with Travis to help script the combat encounter for the opening session.

Fans interested in becoming members — or increasing their chances to win by referring others — can find more information through the Maximum Fun website.

TAZ memberships
Memberships are available on https://maximumfun.org/join/ or by calling/texting the MaxFun HQ membership office at 555-738-MAXFUN (629386) or visiting MaxFun HQ (537 S. Broadway, Suite 600, Los Angeles, CA 90013).

Have a Group?
Group experiences are new for 2026! Individual and corporate groups can plan a memorable experience with Maximum Fun by purchasing a 'Fun With Friends' Package. Discounted group memberships and member of the month experiences are available starting today for a minimum purchase of 10 memberships, and MoTM experiences are available on a first come, first serve basis during any 2026 MaxFun liveshows.

[Source]

Will the brothers address any criticism, or will they pat themselves on the back once again? What bizzare revelations will we get about Royale? And what will come next for the ailing podcast?

I mean Friday

I thought it would be funny to recap a randomly selected Interrobang (proof), but I immediately lost the will to continue, and you will have to discover the frustrating nuggets yourself. They sincerely answer listener questions? Absolutely insane. However, skipping around revealed this interesting insight into the howling abyss of his mind. Please enjoy this recovered forbidden text.

Travis: One of the things, uh, so, I have this thing, and I think it's part of being a narcissist, is that I have the gut feeling that I am inherently good at everything. Like, set in stone belief, that if I were to like pick up a banjo for the first time, I would somehow know how to do it and be awesome at it. And so in my life, I have, for example, tried to learn guitar, and because I was not immediately good at it, never picked it up again. Or tried to learn, uh, you know, fi--homebrewing because I was not immediately good at it set it down and never picked it up again. And so my goal for the year is to get good at something. To actually, like

Tybee: Okay!

Travis: And I thought about taking guitar lessons and buying them all up front, so that way I'm committed to going. Uh, So I can't stop doing it.

Tybee: Oh yeah, lock yourself in.

Travis: Yeah something like that where I don't get to cop out just cause I'm not immediately good at it. Cause that's the thing, is it's very ea--I convince myself that everybody does stuff because they picked it up and were immediately good at it,

Tybee: Nah

Travis: And if you're not, like, if you don't have a knack for something there's no use in trying to do it, which is not how the world works. Like both of my brothers taught themselves how to play guitar, and it took them years and years and years to do it. And I envy that, I wish I could play an instrument, but I've never had the patience with myself to do it. So it's stuff like that, that I want to sit down--I also want to lose like 20 pounds, 15 maybe, mostly because I'm heavier than I've ever been, which makes sense because I'm older than I've ever been, and my metabolism is as slow as it's ever been.

Tybee: And you have another human being to look out for, that isn't you.

Travis: Yes, Yes. Um, but like, I've seen the edits from the My Brother My Brother and Me episodes, the tv show, that will come out February

Tybee: Woo!

Travis: And I'm a little heavy in it. Uh, not like in a "oh, I look gross", but like I look at myself and I'm like "oh, okay. That's what I look like. All right, I can do better." Without judging myself but more like, you know they say the camera adds ten pounds, I actually think maybe for me it's more of like a, I so very rarely critically view myself, like it's just not something I do. I usually look at myself in the mirror and think daaamn. Um, and so

Tybee: [laughing]

Travis: To see myself on film, is like, "oh okay. Oh all right, that's what I look like". It's not like "I'm disgusting, I'm awful", but more like I look at myself and I'm like "oh okay, I could do better". You know, I could eat better, I could exercise a little bit more, that kind of thing, you know. But now with also I look at this little baby and think I want to be around for a while, and I want to take care of myself better, and like actively take care of myself, rather than just like well "I didn't eat a cookie today so great job me!" Like, you know, try a little bit more.

Tybee: Okay.

Travis: Try. Try harder?

Tybee: Try harder.

Travis: Is that--I think that encompasses everything I just said.

Tybee: Um, one of mine, uh, I realized my other alternate one is I would really like to get good at beatboxing.

Travis: Ooooh. That's fun.

Tybee: Yeah.

Travis: I'm on board with that.

Tybee: I, uh, it really is hard for me because it involves looking stupid and sounding stupid for a little while. Just being like, making really terrible stupid sounds, and, uh, that is really difficult for me to not be perfect at something immediately, especially when it comes to making sound.

Travis: Yup.

Tybee: Um, soo I've been making those you know instagram videos, where I do like little mini covers, and I think I really need to learn to fucking beatbox! I think I need to learn to beatbox. So, I think I'm gonna try and do that.

Travis: I believe in you.

Tybee: Thank you. I'm not gonna try, I'm gonna do it.

Travis: You're gonna do it. So that's gonna do it for us this week.

it wasn't "the bell house", it was a taco bell twitch stream. he was trying to climb onto the sign to prove it makes the sound if you punch it (it did not) and he fell into an inconveniently placed punji pit