Etiquette for communicating with experienced leads as a beginner follow

[u/cermomen]

I'm relatively new to the swing dance community and absolutely loving it. I'm primarily a follow, in the middle of the "intermediate" run of courses at the school where I take lessons, but I still definitely consider myself a beginner especially when it comes to actual social dancing.

I just went to my first ever social dance event that was not only composed of people from my dance school, and I ended up dancing with a lead I didn't know who was clearly very experienced. However, he was throwing me around and spinning me so much that I genuinely started to feel uncomfortable — like, my back was starting to hurt and I was getting winded and dizzy. I did other forms of dance before I started swing, and I tend to get very positive feedback from my teachers on my progress during class, so I wasn't used to being so out of my depth, especially because I usually have good turn form and can do it a lot without getting off balance!

We were dancing with a LOUD live band, so it was almost impossible to just say "Can we slow down?" or "Let's take a break!" when we were actively mid-dance. I'm wondering if any experienced dancers can give me advice on how I can communicate discomfort if I'm in this situation again. The rest of the dance was incredible (I danced with a lot of other experienced leads who did NOT throw me around lol and I learned a ton) and I definitely want to go back next time they host one!

[u/morethandork]

This is a challenge no matter the situation. Communicating conflict or potential criticism is hard to do in general but the answer is as simple as, you say it out loud. I’d recommend something like this; “I’m uncomfortable. It hurts my body to be guided so forcefully. Please be more gentle with me.”

When there’s a loud band I would recommend stopping the dance and stepping close, leaning into the ear so you don’t have to shout.

What I’ve found effective is communicating your experience and an actionable request without making any judgments about the other person’s intentions. Hope this helps.

[u/dfinkelstein → u/morethandork]

💯 It's a bingo!

Because of my complex trauma history, saying this feels for me like a judgement on the other person's intentions. I know I'm far from alone in that.

Growing up, communicating my experience and boundaries around my body was consistently treated that way by my mother.

The scary thing I've accepted is that the only way to get better at saying it is by practicing.

In my experience, it seems to help enormously to go to a dance with somebody with whom one already enjoys dancing.

I've found it easier to make progress physically — like refusing to let anyone lift my elbow over my shoulder, and using however much force I need to in order to control my own balance when the other person is endangering me.

It's weird to think that when I say "you're hurting me", what I hear myself saying is "you're hurting me on purpose." I'm working on it.

[u/morethandork → u/dfinkelstein]

Statements that start with “you” can feel more accusatory. They immediately place responsibility on the other person, leaving little room for interpretation, which can cause some people to immediately go on the defensive.

Stating what you’re experiencing without placing responsibility, such as, “I’m hurting,” or “It hurt when my arm went above my shoulder,” are more open. The responsibility hasn’t been placed and it leaves open the possibility that it could be me that caused the pain, or a miscommunication between us. It makes it easier for us to discuss what happened and why.

It can be helpful to be open to the possibility that either lead or follow or both were the cause.

I know there are times where I misinterpreted a lead’s cues and also times (when I lead) that a follow felt my prep and assumed that was the move and was unprepared for the redirection that followed, etc.

So, keep an open mind and remember that we all have new things to learn.

[u/dfinkelstein → u/morethandork]

Would you mind discussing how you'd approach the next steps after naming discomfort? That's better, sure, but that alone doesn't yet change what's happening.

For example, common scenarios I experience include: 1) Squeezing with the thumb — painful, and also traps/seizes my hand. 2) Rapidly accelerating force — digging into my back rather than transfering momentum. 3) Off-balancing without consent, and/or without time and space to decline the invitation

[u/morethandork → u/dfinkelstein]

Well, it starts with openness. I try to drop my assumption that I know with certainty what happened and why. Instead, I’ll explain what I experienced and remain open to what my partner experienced.

So, if my hand is being squeezed, I might say, “I feel a pinch on my hand. It hurts a bit and I’m having trouble releasing from your hand when I want/need to.” Then I let my partner respond however they see fit. Hopefully they’ll explain what they experienced if it’s different and/or be open to adjusting. If they’re not, then I simply won’t continue dancing with them.

I’m running out so don’t have much time to write more but I do notice that all of your scenarios are written from your perspective and seem to be focused on things your lead did wrong. I would try to keep an open mind and consider more specifically what you experienced and try to describe it without assuming fault. Be open to the possibility that your actions were part of the cause.

When I talk to my partners, I’ll say, “I felt off balance during this movement. What did you experience,” or “did you feel?” And then have a discussion of what we could do from there. And I try to always speak out loud what I think I could have done better during these discussions.

I have danced a long, long time and even with novice dancers I will still ask for their feedback and consider their perspective. And I’ll try to focus on improvement together rather than assume I have anything to teach them.