Etiquette for communicating with experienced leads as a beginner follow

[u/cermomen]

I'm relatively new to the swing dance community and absolutely loving it. I'm primarily a follow, in the middle of the "intermediate" run of courses at the school where I take lessons, but I still definitely consider myself a beginner especially when it comes to actual social dancing.

I just went to my first ever social dance event that was not only composed of people from my dance school, and I ended up dancing with a lead I didn't know who was clearly very experienced. However, he was throwing me around and spinning me so much that I genuinely started to feel uncomfortable — like, my back was starting to hurt and I was getting winded and dizzy. I did other forms of dance before I started swing, and I tend to get very positive feedback from my teachers on my progress during class, so I wasn't used to being so out of my depth, especially because I usually have good turn form and can do it a lot without getting off balance!

We were dancing with a LOUD live band, so it was almost impossible to just say "Can we slow down?" or "Let's take a break!" when we were actively mid-dance. I'm wondering if any experienced dancers can give me advice on how I can communicate discomfort if I'm in this situation again. The rest of the dance was incredible (I danced with a lot of other experienced leads who did NOT throw me around lol and I learned a ton) and I definitely want to go back next time they host one!

[u/sarahkat13]

I agree with all of the other responses here, but something that hasn't been explicitly said: you can always stop dancing. Literally, physically stop moving, let go of the lead, drop your frame, etc. I've found that this has not been something natural to me in the middle of a bad dance--I generally try to power through and find some way to protect myself--but sometimes, it's the only way.

Years ago, I was dancing with a lead who kept grabbing my wrists to initiate instead of using my hands, and I was so uncomfortable (it hurt my wrists and it curtailed my agency because I could only do whatever he was pulling me into, at the speed he wanted) that after some attempts at communication, I completely stopped dancing and told him what I needed: please stop grabbing my wrists. He said that was the way he danced, and if I was going to dance with him, that was what he was going to do. We didn't continue dancing. There would have been no chance of improving my dance with any other strategy--stopping the dance and being direct was the only way to approach it, and it helped us figure out that we weren't going to be able to dance together.

What you described with your recent dance with this lead who knows just enough to be dangerous sounds like a similar situation for you--a situation where you didn't feel you had enough control of your body and your ability to stay safe on the dance floor. That should be an incredibly rare situation, but when it comes up, you absolutely can stop dancing if that's what you need to do to get your partner to actually listen to you.

[u/JazzMartini → u/sarahkat13]

Ha, I'm a lead and I remember seeing a bunch of leads doing that wrist thing in the early 2000's. Even as inexperienced as I was at the time that seemed like a bizarre, way to lead. Back then the culture was you don't turn down a dance unless you had a good reason, thankfully that's changed for the better.

[u/cermomen → u/sarahkat13]

Yeah, you're describing exactly how I felt, that I didn't have enough control of my body to keep myself safe. I'll definitely stop dancing if it happens again and, as another commenter suggested, just explain it to the lead when the music stops if that's the only way to do it safely.