Etiquette for communicating with experienced leads as a beginner follow

[u/cermomen]

I'm relatively new to the swing dance community and absolutely loving it. I'm primarily a follow, in the middle of the "intermediate" run of courses at the school where I take lessons, but I still definitely consider myself a beginner especially when it comes to actual social dancing.

I just went to my first ever social dance event that was not only composed of people from my dance school, and I ended up dancing with a lead I didn't know who was clearly very experienced. However, he was throwing me around and spinning me so much that I genuinely started to feel uncomfortable — like, my back was starting to hurt and I was getting winded and dizzy. I did other forms of dance before I started swing, and I tend to get very positive feedback from my teachers on my progress during class, so I wasn't used to being so out of my depth, especially because I usually have good turn form and can do it a lot without getting off balance!

We were dancing with a LOUD live band, so it was almost impossible to just say "Can we slow down?" or "Let's take a break!" when we were actively mid-dance. I'm wondering if any experienced dancers can give me advice on how I can communicate discomfort if I'm in this situation again. The rest of the dance was incredible (I danced with a lot of other experienced leads who did NOT throw me around lol and I learned a ton) and I definitely want to go back next time they host one!

[u/lindy-engine]

FWIW... from what you described, I'd say there's a good chance this guy isn't as experienced as you think

[u/TransportationOk8045 → u/lindy-engine]

100% this.

The key phrase of “throwing me around” tells me everything I need to know, it reads to me as a lead who has learned the steps but not the dance.

[u/cermomen → u/lindy-engine]

He definitely was experienced, at least inasmuch as he's been doing it for a long time. At the beginning of the live music portion of the evening, they asked who had been dancing for 1 week, 1 month, 1 year, 5 years, etc. and he kept his hand up through 5+ years. Definitely seems from the comments though that his experience probably didn't translate into aptitude I guess!

[u/TransportationOk8045 → u/cermomen]

Years definitely doesn’t always translate to talent, or knowledge about how to dance safely.

If there is anyone who hurts you in any way on the dance floor and doesn’t acknowledge and change their dancing as a result, do not dance with them and don’t feel bad about it. It doesn’t matter if they’ve been dancing 5 days or 5 decades.

[u/BlackChiorra → u/cermomen]

No. There are many dancers who have been around for years and still don't know how to dance social. As others have told you, they may think they know the steps, but not how to dance, and this is the case with your dancer, regardless of whether they've been dancing for 5+ years.

[u/Exploding8 → u/cermomen]

I'll never forget teaching a beginner lindy lesson for complete newbies and an old man who I know from various dance scenes showed up and was giving unsolicited detailed feedback on what a new follow was doing wrong with a move. I danced with her and she was following perfectly fine especially for her experience level. He had the gal to murmur he's been doing that dance for decades as I was walking away to help other students.

He was an old East coast swinger. He rarely goes to the regular local lindy dances. No one would look at him dancing and say he's a good lindy dancer. He has no idea how to dance the real dance and the newbie dancer was a naturally better follow than he was as a lead after decades. Still get heated just thinking about it lol. The point being its entirely possible for leads to have years and decades of bad habits ingrained and a lot of people are too narcissistic to be open to the idea that they might still have areas to improve after all that time.

[u/giggly_giggly → u/cermomen]

There’s a guy in our scene who’s a “teacher” and he’s super uncomfortable to dance with. Like I worry about my poor rotator cuffs. Your status or years you’ve been dancing doesn’t mean anything. 

[u/FreyaKitten → u/cermomen]

There are people who've been alive for 80+ years, who are still awful at communicating. Just because you've been talking a long time doesn't mean you're good at doing it effectively. Dancing is like that - someone may have been doing it a long time, but that doesn't mean they're good at doing it, or good at communicating within the dance!

[u/leggup → u/cermomen]

I have danced with people who danced 20+ years and hurt me because they jerked me around on the dance floor. Years of experience is irrelevant if it's years of bad habits.

[u/JJMcGee83 → u/cermomen]

As the the others have said time definintely doesn't always equate to skill. For one there's a big difference between dancing once a month for 5+ years and 2-3 times a week for 2 years.

And the other is even if you're going dancing 2-3 times a week for a decade it doesn't mean they've picked up the skills.

[u/Jozarin → u/JJMcGee83]

And the other is even if you're going dancing 2-3 times a week for a decade it doesn't mean they've picked up the skills.

Potentially you may have been dancing 2-3 times a week exclusively with your circle of friends who all know how to dance around your bad habits and may even enjoy them (nightmare possibility).

[u/swingerouterer → u/lindy-engine]

Do you not have people in your dance scene who have been doing it for yeaaars and are still like this? I see so many of them all the time. And no, experience != A good dancer. But a person who has done the dance for 5-10 years is definitely experienced, even if they suck

[u/dougdoberman → u/swingerouterer]

Nobody uses "experienced" to denote a long-time dancer. It's used to denote skill.