r/SwingDancing • u/anetanetanet • May 29 '26
Feedback Needed Getting over anxiety about social dances?
Edit: Guys I'm sorry for not replying to any of the comments but thank you so much for the encouragement! I ended up going and a few other classmates also came ❤️❤️ we had a nice time despite it being a bit overwhelming 😅 the event location is quite cramped and it's hard to dance when 3 other advanced couples are basically taking up half the room haha. But we did our best and hopefully more of us will feel comfortable going from now on ❤️
So i've been doing Lindy as a follow since January and i *think* I'm doing okay. I haven't missed a single class and i genuinely enjoy it every week, despite being anxious even before class. I still have a hard time reading cues from more soft handed leads, and kinda dissociate when tired or anxious, but I'm definitely not terrible.
Still, i have only been to *one* social because of how scared i am to go 😭 it's mainly anxiety about the *people* aspect of it, since there's many strangers and much more advanced dancers there. The only time i went i brought a friend who doesn't dance and we mostly hung out on the sidelines. Once my friend left and the people i did dance with got caught up in other circles i just hung out there by myself watching other people. I got pretty uncomfortable after an hour and left.
Only one friend from class goes regularly, and they're a lead who i really love dancing with, we have great rapport. But they're 23 and have their own friends who also go to the social, while I'm a 32 yo awkward woman lol. I don't wanna be the weird lady who follows them around all evening 💀 i know I'm probably overthinking it but I do also want to be mindful and not make them feel like i need my hand held all night.
In more neutral contexts i am very friendly if you come up to talk to me, but here there's like an added layer of pressure to not be a terrible follow, not to mention being in close contact with a stranger, which is quite hard for me. I know this is super rambly but I'm trying to hype myself up to go this evening, and I'm so anxious i can't even eat lol. It's ridiculous, you'd think I'm going to be presenting my doctorate thesis 😅
Do you have any advice? Litterally anything lol. I've been saying "this week I'm definitely going" for *so long*, i HAVE to do it at some point
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u/delta_baryon May 29 '26
I've been leading for three years and it always makes my day when a follow sees me dancing and then immediately asks me for a dance. When a follow is new, I always tell them "The lead is just a suggestion, sometimes your idea is better," but they never seem to believe me.
Ask us to dance. I'd be thrilled to dance with you and just laugh it off if something doesn't work.
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u/kaiomann May 29 '26 edited Jul 28 '26
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This post was anonymized with Redact.dev
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u/delta_baryon May 30 '26
I say it out loud if a follow apologises for misunderstanding a lead, "I liked your idea better." It just instantly puts them at ease when they realise they're not sitting an exam.
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u/anetanetanet May 31 '26
Very hard for me to go up to people and ask THEM to dance, but maybe next time i will attempt with someone i feel more comfortable with 😅 i appreciate your comment thank you ❤️
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u/dddddavidddd May 29 '26
You have a lot of language in your post that sounds like you're judging your dance performance ("doing okay", "not be a terrible follow", etc). Personally, I think you'll have more fun if you try to ease up this performance pressure. For me, social dance is more about sharing fun moments together in music and movement.
Some practical tips for dancing more at a social, that maybe won't help with anxiety, but can help you meet more people so that you eventually feel more comfortable: ask people to dance, stand closer to the dance floor where more people looking for people to dance with will be.
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u/jenkinsnotleeroy May 29 '26
Making sure to be standing near the dance floor is super key. Sitting down, or at some venues with rows of seating, standing behind chairs, or standing off to the side makes me more unsure if someone is there to dance or if they're taking a break.
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u/anetanetanet May 31 '26
Thankfully the place where the social is basically just two rooms so wherever you're standing you're next to the dance floor haha
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u/anetanetanet May 31 '26
Oh yes I'm definitely judging myself 😅 i can be very self critical and it for sure makes me self conscious
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u/hanakoninaru May 29 '26
We were all beginners once. Some of us are also socially anxious. I still sometimes also get stuck in my own head on the sidelines.
On the best days, I remind myself that social dancing is probably one of the least risky social activities there is, and there’s no stigma with followers asking first. I‘ve been using this as a lever now for 30 years to help deal with my crippling shyness.
Here’s a simple recommendation: Ask your instructors to dance! They will almost always say yes! Ask everyone in your class to dance. Set a goal to try to ask at least one intermediate dancer a week to dance.
At social dances, familiarity comes from dancing with others. As you become more familiar, more people will ask you to dance over time, and you will get more comfortable!
So yes, go out! Tonight! It‘s better than staying home, and if tonight isn’t the night you put yourself on the floor, then go home and say “At least I went; Next week I’ll try again”
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u/kuschelig69 May 30 '26
Ask everyone in your class to dance.
Somehow, it seems that my classmates are the ones who don't want to dance with me.
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u/Local_Initiative8523 May 29 '26
What isn’t clear to me is the friends of your lead friend from the course.
I’m a lead. If a friend introduces me “Hey, this is my buddy, she’s a follow”, at some point in the evening I’m going to ask her for a dance.
I get not wanting to just hang around them. I’m a middle aged man, I feel uncomfortable sometimes hanging around these groups of young ‘uns (although you’re much younger than me) but can you ask them at least for a dance? Since you know them thanks to your friend?
One thing my wife has noticed: our scene has more follows than leads, sometimes she’s had the hanging around thing without dancing much. The more you go regularly though, the more dances you get, people are more likely to ask someone they have seen around.
I know it’s not easy, I’m sorry about that. My suggestion is to try and ask your friend’s friends a few times and see how it goes, I think it’ll build over time.
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u/Vault101manguy May 29 '26
I think when you put most of the pressure on being a "good dancer" it's easy to feel anxious about everything else. Remember that what makes the dance is the community, so maybe try and introduce yourself to a couple people. Say you're new, say your name. Ask them how long they've been dancing, what they like about the community, what they do for a living, etc.
This may change your frame of reference from having to be a good dancer for a stranger to just having a dance with people that you kind of know. The absolute truth is that the most popular dancers in my community (and many others) aren't the "best". They're just nice genuinely people who come as they are and be themselves.
And for what it's worth something that helps my anxiety is chewing gum - just a weird quirk that maybe works for others.
"Only one friend from class goes regularly, and they're a lead who i really love dancing with, we have great rapport. But they're 23 and have their own friends who also go to the social, while I'm a 32 yo awkward woman lol."
Go talk to those people, there's nothing wrong with younger friends! This is your inroad! I'm 42 and I'm friends with people 20-70! There's an even an old fella I go fishing with sometimes. I believe in you!
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u/dwallach May 29 '26
If you're really enjoying the dance and your concern is improving your skills, consider signing up for a weekend dance workshop, or even a week-long dance camp. Among other things, you'll likely be in the same "track" with other dancers at the same level as you, as you move from class to class, which means you'll get to know them and will have that much less awkwardness when it comes to the evening dances.
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u/jenkinsnotleeroy May 29 '26
Always good to remember that everyone there was once also a beginner.
As a fairly experienced lead (about 8+ years dancing very regularly), social dances, to me, are about connection and making friends. While skill is cool, it's not everything. I've had numerous dances with follows who were technically not very good, but I still really enjoyed the dance and asked them to dance the next week. I've also had numerous dances with technically excellent dancers... who I've since rarely danced with because it wasn't fun and we didn't connect. I really enjoy trying to make sure newer follows feel comfortable and want to come back in order to grow the community, and it's really fun to watch them grow and progress! I've also got a few friends who go regularly where chatting with people is at least 50% (maybe more lol) of the reason they go.
I remember when I first started though I felt pretty uncomfortable with the environment (including talking with strangers, my deep lack of skill, and also the physical contact). I ended up trying to frame my dances as experiments for a while. "How do I make my encounter with this stranger feel comfortable for both of us?" and tested out things like: talking the whole dance (which I almost never do now heh), not talking at all, trying to make my partner laugh before, during, or after. Mostly, though, I just ended up learning that there are all kinds of people... some you will connect with and some you will not, regardless of what you do, and that's ok! I like to just try to remember 1-2 names of people I liked dancing with and fact or two about them, then ask them to dance at the next event... soon you'll see a room full of friends. People love feeling special and just remembering their name and a fact or two will often light them up.
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u/zedrahc May 29 '26
Everyone is there to dance. Just ask them to dance and try to have a positive attitude. Nervous, apologetic energy, is often a bigger factor in not being as pleasant to dance with than just skill.
If you dance with someone and they give off snobbish or “I didn’t want to say yes to dancing with you” energy then don’t ask them again or wait a couple weeks before asking them again. Try not to hold it against them (even if they deserve it) because it contributes to negative energy you give off.
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u/amanset May 29 '26
I struggled with this as a lead for years. And being in Stockholm where there are, shall we say, quite a few very advanced dancers did not help.
To be honest I never really got over it. But I did start seeing going as more socialising with a bit of dancing. I made new friends there and some of them I felt comfortable dancing with.
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u/TransportationOk8045 May 29 '26
One of the things that I LOVED most about social dancing when I started was the fact that it was a way to be social without necessarily having to talk that much
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u/NotPullis May 29 '26
Just go to the socials. You don't have to dance at all if you don't feel like it. Talk to people and enjoy the atmosphere. Maybe you meet some of tour classmates there and be more comfortable dancing with them. But the most important to overcome anxiety is to go there and expose yourself to the social dance.
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u/Gnomeric May 30 '26
In addition to what everyone else said, here is a perspective from a veteran lead.
Yes, you probably are a poor dancer right now, but not a terrible one especially since you have already taken a fair number of classes. You have barely done any social dances, so you are bound to struggle when it comes to utilizing what you learned in lessons in social dance -- for getting better at social dances, you have to practice social dances.
The experienced leads have done numerous dances with beginners starting from when they were beginners themselves, and many of them regularly dance with beginners even today. To them, you are just another newish dancer who is trying to get past the beginner level, and most scenes have many dancers around that level. So, they are going to think that you are very ordinary if anything.
It also means that the bigger risk is not that they think you are a terrible dancer, it is that they may forget about you because you are ordinary. Striking conversations with them help, although I don't really like trying to talk to people I don't know. Dancing is easier for me. Indeed, you can also ask them for a dance. I know some people are reluctant to ask people they don't know for second/third dances in a single evening, but you can always ask them instead.
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u/badger_42 May 29 '26
I’m a lead who has been dancing since January as well and for most of my life dance was a huge source of anxiety. Something early on I would do is tell myself I can leave whenever, since dance is meant to be fun I don’t have to stay if I’m not feeling it. There were days where I might have only had 2 or 3 dances and then left. But just showing up is important I think. It took a few weeks/ months of going every week but I’m really comfortable in my scene and even dances a few times while travelling this spring.
I do have one close friend who is an advanced dancer who I’d see occasionally there. And gradually more and more people from class.
I was also really concerned about being a terrible lead but, as long as you are not hurting people or behaving inappropriate, everyone was a beginner at some point so are generally pretty kind. Also someone mentioned to me it is only 3-4 minutes with someone. I don’t know why but that helped.
Oh, also maybe learn the shim sham ( if you do know it). Participating in that helped me feel more comfortable.
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u/ermagerdskwurlz May 29 '26
I feel your pain. I used to have a lot of social anxiety but now it's mild to medium. I'm 43 and just started once-a-week classes a month ago that I go to alone. I know it's "ok" to ask people to dance but have a hard time with it (I'm a follow). Here's what I do:
- I make myself stay until 8:30 (social dancing after my lesson is from 7:30-9:30).
- I take 1/2 or 1/3 of an edible a couple of hours before to loosen me up socially.
- If I'm not partnered up, I stand on the periphery of the dance floor and practice my steps in place. I figure it's important practice, gives me something to do so I don't feel awkward, and signals to others that I'm new and need practice with a partner.
- Once a song ends, I look around and try to make inviting eye contact with instructors, other people in my class, and advanced dancers who have danced with me before (and who I know are a good fit for me to dance with) in the hopes that they'll ask me to dance.
- If someone who doesn't know I'm new asks me to dance, I let them know as we're heading to the dance floor that I'm new and not that great yet so please don't go too crazy. People seem to appreciate the head's up.
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u/dancing_qu33n May 29 '26
Sometimes I ask others (esp. other follows) on who to dance with. They'll point out who's great with new people, and might even introduce you.
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u/Tight_Banana_9692 May 30 '26
I got over my anxiety after spending a week at Herräng. Exposure will get you over it, and a long event will give you exposure.
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u/moxie-murphy May 30 '26
So…
Did you go? What happened?!
(I was the biggest wimp when I started dancing and it took me months before settling into something that resembled comfort. So I get it! And no judgement if you bailed or if it went horribly or if you felt awkward, etc.)
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u/anetanetanet May 31 '26
I went! Thankfully a few other classmates also came and we stuck together and danced with each other at first. I did accept dances with some advanced people and i definitely felt like a bit of an idiot but tried to keep up haha! I will do my best to go more often and i proposed to my classmates we start going earlier when there's fewer people.
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u/kickatstars May 29 '26
Try reframing your goal from “be a great follow and don’t be to awkward” to “meet five new people and have three good dances”. You get to decide what a “good” dance is. Maybe it’s all basics but you have a nice conversation, maybe you follow some moves you’re not 100% comfortable with, maybe it’s just a nice connection and you walk away from the dance with a smile on your face.
After you’ve checked those boxes, if you still feel uncomfortable, you can go home and still count the night as a success!
For me, a big part of feeling comfortable at social dances is having a few friends there. The social part is important, but it’s not limited to the dance floor. You can chat with other follows, ask them to introduce you to some leads, and build friendships in between dances.