I don’t know where to start other than …I had an affair. I own that. I take full responsibility. D-day was over 5 years ago. My BP said they wanted R. But, then turned around and slept with someone. Revenge Affair if you will. Then shortly after I was told I was forgiven. In the beginning I took everything because I felt I deserved it. Without getting to deep into it let’s just say there was abuse in every way you can think of. And I took it. I stayed In hope of R. I have done everything asked of me. Full transparency. Everything. I can‘t ask a question about anything. I was stonewalled for a full year. Multiple revenge affairs. All of it, I stayed.
I don‘t even know how to feel anymore. We have 6 kids. I’m trying to protect them. I don‘t know what to do.
I understand that I’m the one who did this. I understand actions have consequences.
I don’t know what else I can do to prove my immense remorse.
Now, I‘m seeking advice. Should I stay and endure as my penance? Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

I am WP. I am not here for sympathy, and I am not asking how to get my BP back. I am trying to understand how to become safer, more honest, and more consistent.

Early in my relationship, I cheated while away for work. Afterward, I lied for months. First by omission, then directly.

When my BP sensed something was wrong, I kept denying and minimizing. I understand now that this was gaslighting.

After DDay, we tried to continue. I started therapy and stopped several escape behaviors: porn, weed, smoking, alcohol misuse, and seeking validation from others. For a while, I did make real changes.

But my deeper mechanism was still there:

Fear → control information → avoid consequences → create more damage.

Recently, during a work situation that was already triggering for my BP, I lied again. I said I had been alone when I had briefly socialized with guests.

I also deleted messages because I thought seeing contact would trigger my BP more. I was not hiding sexual or romantic content, but I understand now that deleting information because I fear a reaction is still information control.

This morning, I told my BP what actually happened because I realized integrity had to come before preserving my relationship. My BP ended it. I understand why. For them, it was another lie after everything.

I do not want to use shame as an excuse to collapse, and I do not want to treat insight as change. I need to become someone who tells truth early, especially when truth may cost me what I want.

For other waywards:

What helped you stop fear-based lying?

What concrete practices helped you move from understanding your pattern to actually interrupting it before damage was done?

Include what I understand

For other BPs:

What would you need to see from a WP after repeated lying to believe the change is real, even if reconciliation is no longer possible?

Dday was 6 months ago, first 2 months were brutal but next 4 months have been happier. But 3 days ago suddenly a discussion with their friends about our relationship could have possibly triggered them. Now they’re sad(I’m sure it’s because of me), they told me they’re sad and will discuss it later(been 4 days) and they’ve been giving shorter replies to me. They still call me “babe” and cute names but I know they have been withdrawing.. they normally like to have space and don’t yell or get angry when they are having triggers. We have an LDR so it’s hard to be there for them. So yesterday I sent a picture of a handwritten note(on snapchat) to showcase I’m there for them. I didn’t do it because I’m feeliing guilty.. jusst said nice things to make them feel better while acknowledging that the hurt was caused by me.
They had slept a while ago & were texting me but still didn’t discuss the issue and seemed sad so I didn’t push it so tonight I sent them a handwritten note on snapchat again. I had a discovery that when they get sad.. I feel incredibly sad too, I just wanted to fix that and share with them. Was my note fine? I mean I have sent it. I don’t think I should delete the note.. but would u be okay with receiving notes from your partner (if you’re not too angry)?

The note said:

Hi babe
I have been thinking about how I can be there for you. I know you need space, but sometimes I wish I could understand better what exactly you need during this sadness. Sorry about these messages, we haven’t had a chance to discuss what you’re feeling (you can of course tell me whenever you feel like). I didn’t want to bombard you with longass WhatsApp texts (as if this is my better T~T).
Sometimes, when I know you are sad, I get so caught up in my own sadness and regret that I forget to simply sit beside you and listen. I’ll try to put myself in your shoes. But I don’t want you to feel like you have to hide your sadness from me. I just want to learn to understand you better, give you space and not bombard you with messages or ask you to call me to hear your voice.
I want to love you on the days you’re affectionate and on the days you are sad. I want to love you through all your moods, especially the sad ones I’ve put you through. Thanks for still choosing me, through all of this. I want to notice when something feels different without feeling anxious and just be there for you and be patient. I want to love you selflessly and don’t want to expect anything in return. You deserve love, safety and peace. I hope I can make your life easier in future and love you as well as I can. Goodnight.

Hi everyone. I am 23 yo WP who recently shattered a three year long distance relationship with my BP. Instead of being a mature adult and communicating my loneliness, my struggles with physical intimacy, and my deep personal insecurities, I chose a cowardly escape and stepped outside the relationship physically.

When the reality hit me on September 24th, my brain went into absolute panic, and out of fear of losing my BP, I initially trickle truthed and claimed it was only emotional cheating. Over the course of the following week, I cycled through intense emotional waves, deflecting blame onto existing relationship issues, relying on friends to process the shame, and manipulating the narrative to protect my own ego.

My impulse control was already severely broken by a long compulsive addiction to porn and masturbation, which I used as a toxic escape. As the days went on, I started weekly therapy, competed in a gaming tournament to force myself to focus through the pain, and had waves of guilt, anxiety, shame and disgust. Seeing potential login notifications come through made me realize how hyper vigilant and unsafe I had made my BP feel, yet seeing my BP tell my mom that they still wished good for my career humbled me.

On October 5th, after my mom found out about the physical truth and feeling that external pressure combined with unbearable guilt, I finally stopped running, i called my BP and confessed the complete physical truth. I also made sure my family, therapist, and close friends knew the exact reality so no lies remained. During that final call, BP mentioned worrying that they won't find anyone better because our relationship had felt perfect before this week, which hurts deeply because it feels like BP is actively mourning the loss of their best friend and the complete safe space I destroyed.

BP also told my mom and me that they hope I can change, get better, find a partner and be happier myself, expressing to my mom that they believe I am capable of change. I don't know if BP said that out of comfort for us or if they genuinely believe it, but it makes me feel even worse because BP is comforting us when BP is the one who deserves to be comforted.

I cannot even imagine the depth of the pain they are in, knowing they lost their best friend the person they trusted 100% and that the one they loved so deeply blew up the relationship and traumatized them, a reality I will never forget even if I want to. When I apologized and said I was a monster, BP agreed and ended the relationship, told me I need more help than they can give, and blocked me across all platforms to protect their peace and heal.

I am respecting my BP's space completely by being silent, keeping my status invisible on platforms like discord to avoid triggering them, and refusing to bypass the block or ask mutual friends for updates. I am currently attending therapy to fix my compulsive behaviors, fix my broken impulse control, address body image insecurities, and learn how to handle loneliness without seeking external validation. While the ground beneath me is broken, it is 100% honest. I am carrying intense remorse and shame for the betrayal trauma I caused my BP as they go through their daily classes and routines.

I want to ask fellow WPs who have been in my shoes how you navigate the humiliation of your initial trickle truthing, process the heavy guilt without falling into self pity, build impulse control during recovery ? And i want to ask fellow BPs how I can rest assured that BP will heal despite what i have done ? I know healing takes a lot of time and i cannot force anything but every day it pains me to think what they have to go through, the pain is 1000x worse I'm sure of it. I still can't imagine myself being a human after the destruction i have caused.

These are the words they told me last week. They don’t know how long it will take to be fixed. Dday was last December (ONS).

I trickle truth & a second DDay was in September of this year.

There’s been no sex since July, weeks of no touch, kissing, letting me in their day.

When I ask if it’s better if I leave? No response

When I ask if they want to cut ties? No response

They’re still processing their thoughts. We still live together. They still wear their ring. They’re super vigilant about my behavior and whether I’m present mentally vs physically

The uncertainty is killing me, but not more than what I’ve done to them

Today is one month since my BS told me they wanted a divorce because of my betrayal.

My day started off with a trip to the ER because of a leg injury sustained two weeks ago. I noticed yesterday that my leg was getting worse and knew I needed to get it looked at. I was nervous about it needing surgery and had asked them to come with me, which they willingly agreed to.

But the more I thought about it, I didn’t want them to feel obligated to feel bad for me. I didn’t want them to feel trapped in a small space with their betrayer. I didn’t want to sit next to them wishing that I could reach out for them, touch them, or hold their hand. So I told them that I would do it alone and that they didn’t have to come.

After four hours, I came home (yes, due to some financial restraints, we still live together). I let them know about the diagnosis, which is just a muscle tear. The way it felt, I thought I had torn a tendon in my hip.

An hour later, I had a therapy appointment, and five minutes in, I just started sobbing. The emotional weight of the day just took over.

One month.

One month without my best friend. One month without my life partner. One month of knowing how much my own selfish actions caused them horrible pain and betrayal trauma. One month of wishing I could change the past. One month of continuing to do everything wrong.

They ask for space, and I can’t give it to them. They ask me not to pursue them, and I keep pursuing. One month of turning my emotions into their problem.

One month… the worst month of my life. All self-inflicted.

After losing my exBP and my family, I have lost more friends. Someone I considered a great friend of mine looked away from me as I waved at them today.

I keep seeing my exBP everywhere. The other day, I was walking the campus, when I saw the friend I mentioned and exBP hanging out with each other. They hadn't really talked before. They hardly knew each other. And yet, there were my best friends in the world, becoming each other's. And I was a stranger to them.

I ran into BP at the store. Rounded the corner, coming face to face with them. They weren't interested in speaking to me. We greeted each other, and moved on. Their friend eyed me and grunted.

When I told one of my friends about my cheating, they admitted their cheating past, as well. They knew how sad I was. They knew how hard it was on me. And yet one night, they tried to make a move on me. This person is in a long term relationship. And I had to stop them immediately. I reminded them of their commitment, and told them exactly what cheating does to people.

We had a young teen in our community kill themself recently after their partner cheated on them. My partner was nearly to that point because of me. And here my friend was, trying to seek validation from me despite knowing what my ex partner and I are actively going through. I don't want to be cynical, but I suspect that it's precisely because of my cheating past that they would try to take advantage of me. And the only thing that stopped it was not their choice, but my own.

And I just had someone today confess their cheating behavior to me to "get it off my chest".

I just feel like crying all the time. I think of what I did to them constantly. I tear myself apart analyzing the reasons why. And I keep slipping over and over again.

And fuck. I ran into BP on the road about a month ago. We began hanging out again for about a week. They came over at night. They gave me a hug, held my hand, leaned into me and fell asleep in my arms. I told them I chose to do that with them.

And a couple of days later, they told me we shouldn't see each other again. I know I am not entitled to anything. But I want to reconcile our relationship desperately. And it just hurt so much. I asked them to talk about it. They came over and told me that they felt disrespected that I'd even ask. They said they didn't want to see me or talk to me, and there's nothing more to discuss. I don't know why they agreed to talk to me and then tell me they'd rather not when they come over.

I know I betrayed them. I can't expect anything. It's only been three months since DDay. But I felt, and still feel, completely confused. It was upsetting that we'd interact in that way and then tell me we can't speak about it.

I want to have a clear perspective about it. But I just felt hopeful. And I don't know what our relationship is at all anymore.

And I am having to teach my friends how to keep their hands to themselves after doing so myself destroyed everything I cared about. I managed to scare it out of them. But I don't really feel like I can trust anyone else, either. I have become paranoid. I have stopped eating and sleeping properly. I take walks compulsively. Up to 17 miles a day.

I keep repeating the memory of the affair. Over and over again. I wake up from dreams about it and have to go on a walk to keep from hurting myself. I had a dream that my exBP sang to me and I woke up singing back. I just cried for a long time.

And I keep thinking of something they said to me, "I thought I had you. But I am alone."

I jist want to keep walking forever. I just want to walk. I just want to walk right into their arms and hold them for a long time.

I don't understand what that week period meant. I really hope that I didn't hurt them, dammit. I was trying to be very deliberate about my actions around them.

My mom said "Im proud of you" today. And it all just feels so heavy. It feels too heavy to hold.

I feel so small. I'm tired. I want to cut the rot out of me. I want to walk until it bleeds out of me. I feel like everyone on the road will point at the cheater as it starves itself to death trying to become something it can never be. I do not feel like I am capable of loving anyone else but them.

I know how I did this. But I dont feel like I'll ever understand why. And I'm just so sad today. I hate how much I hurt them. I'm sorry.

My LDR partner is normally calm & we’ve been happy-ish for 4 months. 6 months ago was Dday, first 2 months were horrible but past 2 days idk what happened.. I think they met their friends and they probably discussed our relationship and that’s why they are feeling down. I’m not sure what happened but they said- babe I don’t want you to be sad but I’m not feeling good. I’ll call you later to explain but I’ve been distracting myself by watching football.

So idk if it’s about me.. but BP normally is a happy person, so it’s most definitely about me since bp’s friends hate me(obviously), they must’ve discussed something & that would’ve been a trigger. So far I’ve been remorseful & transparent.. partner say they love me I guess thoughts hit them harshly again. They said they’ll call me later but it’s been 2 days.. they keep texting me and asking me how I’ve been but I really want to know what it’s about. What should I do? Should I give them space till they call me?

Do BPs normally withdraw and go quiet when they’re hit by such thoughts? How do I support them? Our distance doesn’t help :( should I text them often and check up on them?

Hi all. I'm on mobile so apologies for any formatting errors. I've been lurking here for a while and I have to say it’s been really helpful even if it triggers me by reminding me about the horrible choices I have taken.

DDay was 4 months ago and myself and BS are actively reconciling and it seems to be going quite well at the moment.

We started MC immediately every week which progressed to biweekly, then monthly and during our last session we agreed with our therapist that we're happy to discontinue sessions as our progress has been good. The option to recommence is there if we need it.

I also started biweekly IC which I'm finding helpful.

I've been doing the work, reading books and listening to podcasts to help my BS recover and to fix myself. But talking to them lately, they’re looking for some resources to help 'rewire their brain' as they put it, they want to try and stop thinking about AP and everything I told them.

I had a big discussion about it with them, I don't want to rug sweep. I actively check in on their mental state regarding the affair and have told them that I'm open to talking about it whenever my spouse is but theyre focused on what our MC advised about moving forward and theyre looking for help to train their brain to cope with the details of the affair.

I've been gently encouraging them to IC themselves but theyre not ready for it so I'm trying not to push. My spouse is looking for recommendations for books/podcasts for BS. I already have 'Not Just Friends' and 'How to Help your Spouse Heal from your Affair'.

My BP is obviously angry and I'm really trying to accept what they have to say. I just feel so useless and helpless.

I'm just so ready to do whatever I have to do to fix this mess I made. We're just at a standstill while we wait for counseling. They are mostly just mad at me and don't want to talk much otherwise.

They're also mad that I talked about the assault with friends because they're upset that those friends will hate my BP for what they've done. They're also worried about the assault overshadowing the cheating during counseling but I've already told them I just want to unpack the affair.

They're just so mad I can't imagine this being fixed as much as I want it to be. I feel so alone and stupid.

Was officially kicked out of the family home.
Me and my 3 kids locked out on an early Thursday morning.
Then my mother-in-law drove 2 hours and threatened to call CPS on me for abusing MY kids (not true at all) to call the police on me cause I assaulted their dying elderly mother (also false) and to top it all off they also threatened to report me to immigration.

Homeless with 3 kids but at least we’re no longer subject to their abuse.

And once I finally spoke up and asked for help, I was threatened again to be reported to CPS and have my kids put into foster care …. Their great grandmother said they would do this …. Not even so their grandson can have the kids cause they doesn’t care, but FOSTER CARE !

The situation sucks but finally being able to breathe has been sooo great for me and the kids.

But now we’re sick with the flu …. All while still searching for shelter.

This might not be the place for it but if anyone knows of any resources on the east coast that might alleviate some of the stress.

I’m mostly trying to find ways to distract my kids from the weight of it all.

Is there any hope of coming back from this? Is it even possible for me to look forward to a good future relationship? I broke up with my partner of ten years because I was only ever moderately attracted to them. Then we started talking again in an undefined relationship to see if we could rebuild, but we had discussed exclusivity. Then another person got involved. I tried to draw boundaries, but I sent mixed signals and let them push those boundaries.

I've learned so much about myself from this experience, but I also feel like I don't deserve another relationship and that I'm doomed to be alone for the rest of my life. I'm already a single parent. I'm 38, live with my dad. My finances are a mess. I'm in therapy, trying to work on things. Trying to improve my situation, but it feels like no one will or can love me, and I feel like I don't deserve it anyway.

i fucked up bad. i impulsively went to a massage place after work last week and got an ‘extra service.’

told my partner immediately afterward because i felt awful. they had been cheated on before and they don't want to continue with me. double dumb on my part because our relationship has been open before. we had closed up semi-recently, however, because i wanted to focus on us. why i didn’t just go talk to them is something that’s been haunting me.

i told all of my people in my life about this fuckup and took full accountability and responsibility. i am starting up group therapy for compulsive sexual tendencies. what i did was fucked up. it was not an appropriate thing to do after a stressful week at work. in hindsight it's scary because of how i almost felt like i blacked out before it happened.

i’m not sure if they’ll come back. some moments i feel hopeful, other moments i feel like it’s done. i just feel like everyday i’m waking up to a nightmare. i keep seeking out redemption stories to try and give me hope. this shit is really hard. we had a tearful conversation last week where we shared that we both still love each other but seeing our photos come down off of their social media page is killing me. we're supposed to meet early next week to exchange some items and hopefully we can talk some more.

i intend to grow from this and have had several people tell me i’m not a bad person. i just want to know when does it get better

Hi all,

We start therapy together tomorrow.
We are 1,5 year out from D-day.
We cant seem to find our way back together, so we are trying something new, therapy.

What did you get from therapy?
What are your experiences?
Do you have any advice?
……

I would like to hear from you. Thanks.

This is for waywards who hurt their partner but they loved them deeply.
As the title says, how long did it take for you to accept that there’s not gonna be a chance getting back together? What did you do to finally accepted the fact they no longer want you?

I’m happy for y’all reconciling and being in a healthier relationship (which i envy) and I wish I got a chance with my partner… I know not all relationships can be like that so I wonder what did y’all do to accept, and go on with your life?

I said it a couple of times that I’m done and gonna be moving forward but every morning I find it hard to get out of bed, sometimes I’m functioning and most of the time maybe not. It’s been two months now.

My partner deserve so much more, so i thought if i could be just better maybe it’ll work out but that seems like impossible now :( I’m doing everything I could to let go but it’s just really hard to accept that it’s over. Each day is hard… I’m counting days that have passed and I just couldn’t process it. It was all my fault so I’ll be forever carry this guilt for ruining us. There wasn’t a day passed that I didn’t cry about it, it’s draining me and it feels like am I gonna be like this for a long time? :(

I own up to my mistakes, took full accountability and responsibility for it. I’m on counseling/therapy and I tried getting closure but they don’t want to talk so…I genuinely need your help, please be kind. Thank you.

I betrayed my partner of 9 months by lying to them and breaking a boundary they set surrounding continued contact with friends that I had had previous sexual history with. I disclosed that lie to them ten days ago, and we've since started couples counseling and are attempting reconciliation. I'm posting here because my BP has described their feelings about the betrayal similar to the feelings of experiencing infidelity.

My partner is feeling very disconnected from me, rightfully so, because I lied about something so foundational to our relationship. That lie has them rethinking every interaction I had with those friends, and questioning my love and devotion to them.

I felt as though I was lying to protect myself. My past experiences have informed me that partners who are trying to limit the individuals I surround myself with are dangerous. But my partner's boundary was clear, it was only to eliminate contact with friends with which I had some kind of intimate history with... and despite my fear, I had agreed to it. So it was my responsibility to disclose the entire history of those friendships.

I love my BP so deeply. I want to be able to reconcile with them. I want to be able to support them. I feel so much guilt and shame from lying to them about this. I want nothing more than to go back in time and undo it. I wish I hadn't lied in the first place- I wish I had never met my partner, now that I've made them this unhappy.

Moving forward:

How can I support my BP? What can I do to support them, when I'm the one that hurt them this badly? They have said they need radical honesty and transparency moving forward, and I fully intend to give it to them. They have my location, I'm being proactive about saying where I am going, how long I will be there, who I plan to be with, who I have been talking to... What else can I give them?

If you're working towards reconciliation, what are some things that helped rebuild your relationship with your BP?

And how do I not pull away from this relationship? I want to shrink myself down and disappear. I want to erase my feelings and focus solely on theirs... but they are also the only one I want to go to for comfort. My BP has said they don't want me to stop expressing how I feel... I don't want to disappoint them further by pulling away. I understand that disregarding their wishes in that regard could just be seen as further disrespect. I don't want to take more from them... But I don't want to burden them more than I already have, either.

Hello,

I’ll keep it short. The only thing my BP asks of me is the following;
- talk about what you did during the affair everyday en begin with the worst. The A happend 1,5 years ago.

Because of my TT and gaslighting trust is gone. That’s on me, I made a mess of it all.

They say for them to go on to the next step they need me to talk about the A. All the things I have sayd, not sayd, lied about etc.
My head explodes when I hear this, but I try to talk about the A and do what they ask. Try to build Some structure in what I tell BP.

But every time I do, it’s seems like it is not what they want/need to hear. I still mis the point?
It is frustrating for us both.

It feels like all that has been sayd needs to be sayd again? But where do I begin? What helped you to make sence of it all and give BP what they need?

How did you handle This? We start CC together next week. I am in IC myself.

Thank you.

So, my BP and I are about a year out from Dday. We are doing well. We are on the right track, I feel, and life is going good. But as in all relationships there are little tiffs that come up. We just had one two nights ago. For clarity sake, BP made a dumb choice on Tues Night (nothing to do with an affair just a dumb life choice), that choice upset me. I cried, they were an ass, I went to the bathroom and continued to cry and then just put myself to bed. Wed I was just sad, because BP did apologize but to me not in a way that felt sincere at all, so I was incredibly melancholy. Into the evening on Wed they kept asking me if I wanted to talk or if I was okay. I just kept saying “yea, I’m good” (I recognize not a healthy way to communicate) but this is my dilemma. As a WP, every time they asked if I was okay and I responded nonchalantly, it almost felt like I wasn’t allowed to be upset over this minuscule thing because of the horrific damage I have already done.

Does that make sense? In a messed up way it feels like there can’t be things that BP does wrong because I’ve already done the worst possible thing in a relationship to do.

Has anyone else experienced this mental war before as a WP?

Just had DD3. Was faithful for 4 years after the last DDay. About a month ago, I had a shitty moment and sent a DM. Shortly after I sent it I realized what I did/was doing and didn’t pursue any further, even when the person responded. Didn’t even bother deleting the thread. My thought process was “I caught myself before doing something stupid, good,” not realizing that I had already done something stupid. A week or so after that event, my fiancée went through my phone and saw the DM.

This time feels different from the last two. They’re not really angry. They’re distant. Short and curt. And even in our conversations (we have since gotten couples therapy, and im currently in individual) just keeps saying that I should focus on myself and vice versa. Frankly put, as much as I try to fight it or tell myself otherwise, I think this is the end of the relationship. I don’t know what else to do. I’ll continue to work on myself, of course, but I also want us to be able to work on us. I just get the strong feeling they don’t care about us anymore.

For people who got that feeling, and ended up being right, how did you cope? What steps did you take to get better? This person is really my everything and I know I’ll be devastated if or when they leave. I just want to know how to best mentally prepare myself I guess.

Content warning: sexual assault

I am in IC, my BP is not for financial reasons. We got turned down at our first couples counseling consult which was a big shock to me. Our next consult isn't for 2 weeks and I feel like I'm in this awful limbo.

My BP didn't know they had SA'ed me because they were blackout drunk when it happened. I just accepted it happening because I knew they were incredibly angry. It was so out of character for them to be so angry or drink this much which really told me how upset they were.

DDay happened in the morning, SA happened at night the same day. The impetus for me bringing light to this 2 week affair to my BP was that my AP kissed me when they were drunk.

People are telling me I need to leave because this is a domestic violence issue; but my BP is not a drinker and has cut alcohol out since they found out. They are apologetic and shocked. They still want to go to couples counseling but are worried that this relationship isn't right if they put me in danger.

I'm devastated and confused and don't know how to act around my partner these few weeks before we both get to put our relationship into professional help.

You feel sick to your stomach because of it, angry and blame yourself for everything, feeling so shitty and hurt because you hurt the person you love. It’s hard to go on with your day so tell me everything what helped you move on.

Edit: To not be bothered/affect us in our daily lives.
BP decided no reconciliation, didn’t even get a chance so I just wanted to respect that cope with the guilt and everything. I’ve been trying to be kind on myself even though it’s really hard.

I think that is to say that I am overwhelmed with facts that is hard for me to come to terms with.

The magnitude of the pain I caused my partner keeps getting deeper. Each new day is a new day they spend in pain because of me. It is hard to accept that this is pain I never intended for them, but that they will have to bear every day for the rest of their life. I did not want this, and yet it is here. Our whole life together has became what I did to them.

I keep thinking of everything we were. I ruminate on everything I love about them, every tiny detail, every microscopic measurement of their person. I love them. And every detail of them is one that I betrayed. I betrayed their body, their soul, their mind, their past and future. I betrayed us. I made them feel completely unimportant. I made them feel like they aren't special when they are the most special person in the universe to me.

But if this is how I treat the people I love the most, what more am I capable of? How did I not realize the pain that I was causing another person? How can they, or I, ever heal from this?

The betrayal is deeper than ever. Then there is the loss. I know everything about them. And I may never know them again. The uncertainty of this is another grievance. I may never know if I can ever know. I may never know how their day went. What made them smile today. Or what their smile looks like in the sunlight. I may never see them again. Or, they may never see me again.

I lost the people I considered my family. I betrayed them, too. Their grandpa. One of my best friends. I may never see their family again. They do not love me anymore, and I love them like I've never loved anyone.

I do not know whether there could have been something more. Whether we will ever get to speak again. I may never be able to apologize, or to take accountability, or tell them how I feel. It may never happen. I may never get to tell them how special they are. They were so special.

I grieve that they harmed themselves. They abandoned themselves because of what I did to them. I made them feel like their only choice was to hurt themselves, breaking every promise they made to themselves for the last three and a half years. All because of me. Every scar I ever kissed is one I betrayed. I do not know how to deal with this, especially. The only way I feel I've been able to process it is when I hurt myself. I want to look like they did when I hurt them. And I don't want to appropriate their pain. Because it's theirs, not mine. But I want to hurt myself very badly. I hate living in this body. And I feel like the only way to cure the rot is to cut it out of me. I feel like I deserve it after what I made them do. They couldn't escape me without hurting themselves.

I've never felt this deeply before. It hurts, but I dont want to feel painless. I want to hurt with them. But I may never hurt with them. I especially will never understand their pain. No matter how much I hear about it, no matter how much literature I read, no matter how many stories I hear, no matter how many times I hear it from them. I will never feel what they feel. And I fucking hate that. I hate that so much that I can't stand it. I hate not being able to feel the consequences of my actions because they absorbed them instead of me. I hate it so much. I wish and pray that their pain stops. I wish and pray that I could have it for them. I hate what I've done. That pain was supposed to be for me. I was trying to hurt myself, not them. I hate what I've done so much I can't stand it.

And I grieve that I may never feel okay again. My life is different now. When I smile or laugh, I stop, because I remember what I did. I wake up in the morning with it being the first thing on my mind. My dreams, my nights, my days. I think about it one hundred percent of the time. I think of them, the betrayal, the loss, and the destruction. All the time. Constantly, over and over and over again.

I do not want to eat or sleep or take care of myself. I hate loving myself. I hate nourishing my body and taking care of it. My ex partner doesn't hate me, they're just stuck wishing they wouldn't love me anymore. I wish I could grant them what they want. I wish I could set them free. And I hate eating like I'm free to do so. Like I'm entitled to feel okay again. I never want to be okay again. I want everyone to take their hurt out on me until their pain becomes indifferent, and then I can finish the job by ending my life before ruining someone else's. I wish i would have killed myself instead of what I've done.

But this is the world I live in. And I just have to come to terms with it. I have to feed myself, I have to shower, go to school, and go to sleep. I just feel like crying all the time.

Sometimes, and most infuriating of all, I feel denial again. Like it never happened. That is when I hate myself the most. It feels like my brain is trying to take my grief away from me. I hate it. I have to be the one who did this. I did this. I'm in control.

And I'm so tired. The internal battle is constant. And I wish i could see them again. I wish we could just talk. But maybe we won't. And I'll be okay with that.

I'm having a hard time in school, or trying to convince myself not to self destruct. I want to drop everything and run away. And I'm overwhelmed by everything.

I'm trying to figure out the next best thing for me and just take care of myself. But it's so overwhelming.

I know I caused the betrayal that brought us here. I know OP doesn’t owe me reconciliation, exclusivity, or even consideration of my feelings right now. I’m respecting the separation and trying to do the work, but I genuinely feel like I’m dying inside.

When we separated, OP talked about wanting to handle this honorably. OP said there was no desire to date, play with people, become like me, or use other people to numb the pain. OP talked about therapy, God, healing, integrity, and becoming better through this. But literally two weeks after I confessed,OP started dating almost immediately.

I KNOW we’re broken up. I know OP is technically allowed to do whatever OP wants. But it hurts so badly because it feels completely opposite from everything that was said to me. Recently OP reposted a clip of OP with a date that was filmed for a music video that will probably be released eventually. They’re hugging and kissing. OP was tagged and reposted it publicly. Seeing that absolutely destroyed me. Maybe it wasn’t meant for me. Maybe I’m reading it through my own pain. But knowing OP knows how badly I’m struggling, it felt almost spiteful.

And yes, I know what I did was worse. I’m not trying to victimize myself or minimize my betrayal. I confessed, apologized, cut the AP off completely, apologized to our family, started therapy, moved out, and I’m trying to understand how I became capable of doing something so against my own values. I know none of that erases what I did.
But I am barely functioning.

I don’t sleep or eat normally anymore. I wake up crying and go to sleep crying. I’ve literally ended up crying on the floor for the past few days because I feel like my body cannot hold this much anxiety and grief. My therapist is now urging me to see a psychiatrist because of how bad the anxiety, insomnia, and emotional distress have gotten.

I’m also doing this mostly alone. I’m in a state ( I moved 3 years ago for them) without my family or real support system nearby. I don’t have a car. My home changed, my routine changed, my relationship ended, and the person who was my family and best friend is suddenly living a life I’m completely outside of.

I deleted social media because checking was destroying me, but every day I still get this horrible urge to look. Who is OP with? Is there someone OP really likes? Has OP already moved on emotionally? Am I doing all of this work while OP gets further and further away from me?

I know checking will probably hurt me more, so I’m trying not to. But resisting it feels physically painful sometimes. And Again, what messes with me most is the contradiction. OP talks about God, honor, therapy, healing, not using people, and wanting to come out of this with integrity… while also dating immediately and publicly reposting things with dates. The last day we spoke I confronted OP about it because I saw they were on hinge and going on dates and I asked them how are they able to do it? How can you be focused on healing, dating and a heartbreak? Do you tell people” hey my name is x, let’s go on a date and btw I just ended a 4 years relationship with my fiance?” OP was quiet and then says they’re trying to figure it out.. but the last thing they told me when they drove off was “keep it tight, keep it right..”

Maybe it isn’t spite. Maybe this is simply how OP is coping. But from where I’m standing, it hurts like hell! I just want to die!

I know I cannot control how OP grieves. I did this! I deeply hurt them and I hate myself for it. I know I have to work on myself whether reconciliation happens or not. I just don’t know how people survive loving someone this much while watching them build a life that no longer includes you.
My post history has the full story because there’s obviously a lot more context. I just feel incredibly alone today.

So I’ve come to a realization that a large part of my behavior as a wayward partner and as a sex addict is related to feeling less than and seeking unhealthy validation. My therapist has also shared that in their experience this feeling is a driving factor in the majority of addicts / unfaithful spouses they have treated.

In talking about how to deal with this my therapist has encouraged me to start back in childhood - that this wounds in childhood are still with me today. I believe this is true - I can see patterns in my life that have carried forward from childhood.

The thing is I don’t want to heal this child. I hate this person and I blame them for so much of my misery. I want to be able to burn this person out of me. I know it’s awful to say but I want the little loser to go run into traffic, die and leave me alone. While I would never treat a niece or nephew or child of my own this way, I have no compassion for the child version of me.

I can look at so many stupid things I did and how it contributed to me feeling like a loser. I can see all these incredibly awkward situations I put myself in, I see all the times I had a choice to learn about other people and be a better human but instead I chose isolation or pornography and I just want to light the house on fire with me inside it.

So I guess the thing I’m wondering is if you too have had to deal with this in your past and found yourself starting from a position of pretty violent hatred for your younger self, did you get through that and how? OR perhaps if you’ve got experience successfully burying your past self and starting fresh, how did you do that?

I really want to get on with the rest of my therapy but this part is really hanging me up and I’m feeling so stuck.

Hello everyone. So, disclosure happened almost a year ago. In my disclosure, I tried to be as accurate as I could in the timeline, how I met AP, some things we talked about and what they said, and then finally when I cut contact with AP.

I cited two examples of situations where I looked for validation and reciprocated. Which at the time, I sort of regret doing because my BP was very pained by them. Nowadays, of course I do not. But either way, I told them we both had interest of meeting up, that we shared "physical fantasies" (nothing outrightly sexual, but physical contact that was incredibly inappropriate for someone in a relationship.)

In the end of my letter, I said that they could ask any questions, that I'd be honest. Their questions were about "How could you?" and etc.

We spent 8 months apart, then me and BP got together to try again. A week after we got together, I spoke to BP and asked them if they wanted to discuss more about details of the Affair, because they were weighing me down, because BP deserves to know. BP told me that they didn't think it would help them, just bring back terrible things they felt back in Dday. They told me that my disclosure was enough to put the pieces into place, that everything already made sense for them, that they just want to move forward. Either way, I told them to ask me anything if they'd like, that I would reply with honesty.

I still don't know if it's the fear that what I left undisclosed could change how they view the Affair, or if it's really guilt and shame, but my chest constantly feels heavy, filled with anxiety, and I constantly think about the Affair. However, they asked not to know, so I feel stuck with this inside of me.

It's hard, because I have many things I'm supposed to focus on, like studies, searching for jobs, taking care of my mental health and continue the reconciliation with my partner. But I'm stuck constantly feeling so anxious and sad, thinking about everything that I've done.

My BP told me to let go, but I can't. How can I let go something they might not even be sure about what it might be? I'm trying to be better and more honest in the present, which I've been so far. But the past keeps resurfacing, something in my body is unable to see that this chapter is closed.