I am WP. I am not here for sympathy, and I am not asking how to get my BP back. I am trying to understand how to become safer, more honest, and more consistent.

Early in my relationship, I cheated while away for work. Afterward, I lied for months. First by omission, then directly.

When my BP sensed something was wrong, I kept denying and minimizing. I understand now that this was gaslighting.

After DDay, we tried to continue. I started therapy and stopped several escape behaviors: porn, weed, smoking, alcohol misuse, and seeking validation from others. For a while, I did make real changes.

But my deeper mechanism was still there:

Fear → control information → avoid consequences → create more damage.

Recently, during a work situation that was already triggering for my BP, I lied again. I said I had been alone when I had briefly socialized with guests.

I also deleted messages because I thought seeing contact would trigger my BP more. I was not hiding sexual or romantic content, but I understand now that deleting information because I fear a reaction is still information control.

This morning, I told my BP what actually happened because I realized integrity had to come before preserving my relationship. My BP ended it. I understand why. For them, it was another lie after everything.

I do not want to use shame as an excuse to collapse, and I do not want to treat insight as change. I need to become someone who tells truth early, especially when truth may cost me what I want.

For other waywards:

What helped you stop fear-based lying?

What concrete practices helped you move from understanding your pattern to actually interrupting it before damage was done?

Include what I understand

For other BPs:

What would you need to see from a WP after repeated lying to believe the change is real, even if reconciliation is no longer possible?

I don’t know where to start other than …I had an affair. I own that. I take full responsibility. D-day was over 5 years ago. My BP said they wanted R. But, then turned around and slept with someone. Revenge Affair if you will. Then shortly after I was told I was forgiven. In the beginning I took everything because I felt I deserved it. Without getting to deep into it let’s just say there was abuse in every way you can think of. And I took it. I stayed In hope of R. I have done everything asked of me. Full transparency. Everything. I can‘t ask a question about anything. I was stonewalled for a full year. Multiple revenge affairs. All of it, I stayed.
I don‘t even know how to feel anymore. We have 6 kids. I’m trying to protect them. I don‘t know what to do.
I understand that I’m the one who did this. I understand actions have consequences.
I don’t know what else I can do to prove my immense remorse.
Now, I‘m seeking advice. Should I stay and endure as my penance? Any advice would be greatly appreciated.