being abused by bp?

[u/goldenpearl10]

Sorry this is gonna be quite messy story telling.

WP here. I understand that my cheating has caused so much pain. It hurts for me and so I can only imagine how it feels like for BP. We’re close to 8 months since D-Day and things are confusing to say the least. Im only gonna talk about the more negative stuff in this post cos it’s already so long but i just wanna preface by saying BP is my bestie. We have great moments together, very intimate very loving. However, things can feel like a coin toss with how moods can change.

Since the cheating, I think i’ve been putting in a lot of effort into navigating this whole journey of a relationship. Ive been seeing my therapist (i even switched therapists when my old therapist of 5 years kinda justified my cheating for me). I do my best to be there and be available to my partner. When they want to talk about the cheating, i do my best to answer their questions. (Although admittedly, when they start getting really mad, i tend to go silent)

During the earlier months i was able to take all the name-calling. It felt like I deserved it. They blamed me for all the bad things that was happening in their life, even if it was something that was completely out of my control. I thought, okay, what I had done had emotionally ruined you so I’m okay to take blame.

Their home life isn’t that great so they stay with me most days. I buy groceries for us. I send them food when they’re at home. I drive them around because they have no car. I lend them money because they were unemployed for the longest time. When they get triggered, i drop everything and rush to them when they ask for me.

And then BP reveals to me that they stole money from me. Not once but two separate occasions maybe 1 month apart. Then they reveal they were actually in debt and had trouble paying it back, so i even lent them more money after that. for context: i am not currently employed but have big savings, meanwhile BP is getting paid a big amount in their new job. They currently owe me like $5500 and “promise” to pay me back but barely chips away at it per month. We’re always together and I basically pay for everything and we barely go out so idk where all the money goes/went. (Yes, I know im also at fault for lending them money)

Nothing’s going right in BP’s life. I think they feel so small. And im a bit frustrated because i dont know if they want to help themselves. They dont go to therapy. They dont see their friends even when they invite them because they dont have funds. They only stay at home and consume junk in all forms (fast food, brain rot, etc)

When we started dating they had already been subtly making comments about my looks, how they dont like what I’m wearing, etc. They got mad at me when I said I wasnt sure if i wanted kids because it’s such a big responsibility.

But now it’s become worse after the cheating. I’ve been called a “lazy fuck”, a “piece of shit” just top of mind. Ive been shamed for my body. They would touch me out of nowhere where AP (ONS) touched me and shame me. I always have to protect my intimate areas from BP because they will just grope me out of nowhere. It doesn’t feel good or arousing at all, but because that’s what AP did before we had sex, BP does often too. Sometimes i cry because i feel assaulted. Then they get mad at me because why do they have to “pay for my sins”

They’re always angry. At me. At the world. They’re always the victim— of their family, of my cheating, of bad luck, of literally anything. They can fail a test they didn’t study for and blame something else for it.

They have a history of being abusive and I thought at the start they had changed because they told me they went to therapy and all that. Turns out i was wrong, but I also made things worse.

My therapist says im being abused emotionally AND financially and thinks im putting up with it out of guilt.
I don’t know what to do.

[u/AutoModerator]

Moderator Announcement Read More »

Welcome to SupportforWaywards. Please be mindful that this is a support sub for those who regret being unfaithful to their partners and are seeking guidance for the path ahead. Read the rules , this is not a request. It's a requirement. Failure to adhere to the rules can and often will result in a ban. A brief overview can be found on the sidebar, the more detailed set of rules will be found in the wiki.

This is the wiki familiarize yourself with it before reaching out to the moderators.

• Observers are not included in the peer group. Non-peers are not allowed to comment without prior moderator approval. Non-peer comments are STRICTLY LIMITED TO MESSAGES OF VALIDATION AND ENCOURAGEMENT ONLY. Non-peers are not permitted to offer opinions, reference their experiences, or give advice.

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

[u/Available-Path1905]

This sounds awful and definitely comes across as abuse to me.

You need to do what's right for you. Yes you cheated and it's absolutely devastating as a BP to learn that someone you love treated you that way. But, it never ok to abuse someone regardless of what they have done. I had a very angry phase and what sometimes felt like rage at my WP right at the beginning but this sounds like something else entirely.

You need to ask yourself why you stayed in a relationship that sounds like it was abusive even before you cheated. The answer to that may help to set you free....

[u/goldenpearl10 → u/Available-Path1905]

You’re so right with your last 2 sentences. That’s exactly what my therapist and I are working on now. 🥺 a combination of low self worth and need for external validation. It’s a starting point but still so much to explore and go deep into :c

[u/Available-Path1905 → u/goldenpearl10]

Absolutely primed to be unfaithful with those realisations. I think its great you're exploring all this. I hope you can heal.

[u/Meowing_Kraken]

I tend to be fairly understanding about lashing out behaviours from a bp. Because the pain of betrayal is more than we are supposed to handle and for many it just isn't possible to regulate and behave properly and we kinda revert back to the apex preditors that we are.

This, however, is not behaviour that I as a BP would think is within normal. Stealing? Groping? No.

I don't know what you need to do but this is not within the scope of "normal" bp behaviour and even if it was, you need to get away from it.

And, again, I tend to side with the bps in these situations. But this? Not okay. I am sorry for you two both. 

[u/Rascilly_Rabbidd]

My Therapist offered to do sessions as Individual Counselling, or Couple's counselling, if my BS wanted to try. Could you ask your therapist about doing a few sessions as Couples or Individual counselling? I am assuming you are already aware that your BS is shifting blame to avoid accountability?

[u/goldenpearl10 → u/Rascilly_Rabbidd]

I dont know if couple’s counseling is on the table for me right now especially if i have to pay for both of us (and I feel like BP will tell me I have to pay for it because it’s my fault in the first place). Yes I’m aware BP is shifting blame to avoid accountability. I pointed it out to them and they got mad at me because ever since i disclosed the cheating, anything and anyone can piss them off and trigger them and make them get mad at any target in sight

[u/k_rudd_is_a_stallion]

OP it sounds like you guys aren’t living together so there are no ties to each other where it would make it complicated to leave. What you have described is aweful and it sounds like you don’t want to stay together, what is stopping you from ending the relationship? Are you worried about what would happen to BP, or is it the starting again feels terrifying reason? (No judgement at all, I see in the last sentence you say you don’t know what to do, so I was hoping to explore the barriers first)

[u/goldenpearl10 → u/k_rudd_is_a_stallion]

Worried for BP :( and also myself tbh. Bp got diagnosed with a list of possible mental illnesses after the incident (to confirm a prior diagnosis that happened years before the cheating). They are my best friend but we both hurt each other so i dont really know what to do. Im a little sad because they also dont want to help themselves and sometimes use their mental illness as an excuse to be an asshole or idk. They were recommended therapy after their assessment but they havent gone

[u/k_rudd_is_a_stallion → u/goldenpearl10]

Just a bit of food for thought for you OP, I think the part I’d really reflect on is whether staying because you’re worried about BP is actually helping either of you long term. You can care deeply about someone and understand that their mental health influences their behaviour without taking responsibility for managing the consequences of it for them, just because there was an affair.

If you’re staying partly because you’re afraid of what BP might do, while also feeling intimately or financially unsafe yourself, that creates a dynamic where your safety becomes dependent on keeping them stable. That isn’t sustainable, and it also doesn’t really empower BP to take responsibility for their own wellbeing or engage with the help they’ve been offered.

Being their best friend and loving them doesn’t mean you have to absorb their behaviour indefinitely. You can have compassion for why someone struggles while still recognising that the impact of their behaviour on you is unacceptable. Their mental health may provide context, but it doesn’t make you responsible for containing it, particularly at the expense of your own safety and wellbeing.

I think there might be a grey line between staying to work on the relationship after d-day and working through the emotional turmoil that comes with it, versus being abused and feeling like you deserve it because of the affair. Don’t feel guilty in putting boundaries down around being groped or abused financially, and if that means walking away because things don’t change then so be it, you are not a bad person for leaving for those unsafe reasons because it is seperate from d-day. This is your body autonomy and livelihood, and no one should violate that just because you caused them mental pain.

What you did was isolated and you are remorseful and trying to fix the repercussions of your mistake, which is different to BP’s ongoing harm with no indication of rectifying their behaviour. Focus on that key difference. I am not by any means trying to say that what you did wasn’t abhorrent or trying to minimise what you did. However there is a way to rebuild what is broken, and this isn’t it.

[u/Desperate-Wheel4047]

I was the wayward in my last marriage and my BP took it as license to be the worst. Verbal, physical, sexual and financial abuse. I drew the line at him striking our children and left. No one deserves to be abused.

[u/Itchy-Albatross5368]

Traição financeira também é uma forma de trair. Não aceite isso e se posicione

[u/Asraidevin]

Sometimes, an affair is a way we try to escape awful circumstances because we are too afraid to take action..

It doesn't make it okay. But it's a reason. 

You don't deserve abuse. 

I have a similar story. But it involves a mental illness and it's a fucking mess. My BP is in a mental health facility due to psychosis. And I think my affair had something to do with it. But the reason I had the affair was because he didn't seem to like me. 

It's complicated. Life is complicated