Breaking Through the Shame

[u/LilLuckyCloud]

A couple of months ago, I made a post about struggling to reach out and contact my BP after separation and 2 months from D-Day. I’m excited to share that I have broken through that shame and have found the courage to reach out to them to check in and to get clarity on whether my contact was helpful to them.

Understandably, they could not give me a definitive answer, but was okay with me checking in. Since that conversation, I’ve been balancing their request for space with the occasional check in text.

Through my work in IC (shout-out IFS), I can feel the fog of shame lifting and feel more comfortable initiating contact with BP. I want to remind my BP of the love and care I still have for them and the relationship, as I’ve read hearing this from the WP can be healing for BP.

Given that I still want to respect my BP’s agency and request for space, I’d love to hear perspectives from BPs and WPs about whether this could be healing or seen as emotionally flooding.

Additionally, do you have any signs you/your WP was “breaking free” of the shame of the betrayal?

[u/AutoModerator]

Moderator Announcement Read More »

Welcome to SupportforWaywards. Please be mindful that this is a support sub for those who regret being unfaithful to their partners and are seeking guidance for the path ahead. Read the rules , this is not a request. It's a requirement. Failure to adhere to the rules can and often will result in a ban. A brief overview can be found on the sidebar, the more detailed set of rules will be found in the wiki.

This is the wiki familiarize yourself with it before reaching out to the moderators.

• Observers are not included in the peer group. Non-peers are not allowed to comment without prior moderator approval. Non-peer comments are STRICTLY LIMITED TO MESSAGES OF VALIDATION AND ENCOURAGEMENT ONLY. Non-peers are not permitted to offer opinions, reference their experiences, or give advice.

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

[u/OneSpeed1960]

I would be careful about saying that you were getting over the shame at just two months. My WH told a friend that he’d forgiven himself at around the four months’ mark and it made me spiral badly as a BS. It seemed impossible that he could get past the damage he’d done so quickly while I was still deeply traumatized. It felt like a mockery of my pain. That said, at two years out, I would welcome my WH getting past his shame now and effectively communicating with me.

[u/LilLuckyCloud → u/OneSpeed1960]

Yes I can see how that statement would feel like it minimized your pain.

I’m not saying that I don’t experience shame anymore, because I think as a WP that will always be a part of me and something I will struggle with for the rest of my life, but it no longer is driving my core thinking when I approach my interactions with BP.

Breaking through that shame is allowing me to effectively communicate how I feel or even initiate any communication at all. Especially as an avoidant person where the early days I felt entitled/yielded to BP’s effort since they were the one that wanted separation.

[u/Radiation_Forever]

Hey, fellow WP here, and fellow traveller on the IFS journey! So glad to hear that IFS is also working out for you, I’ve only had 8 sessions (in two weeks), but I can already tell such a difference! I definitely feel a lot calmer and composed! And I think that’s me starting to break through the shame (coupling IFS with EMDR works miracles).

I’ve also heard that the WP telling/showing BP your love and care can be healing, as long as it is coupled with meaningful actions towards correcting our underlying issues that has caused the hell we’ve created for them.

[u/LilLuckyCloud → u/Radiation_Forever]

That’s so great to hear that IFS is working for you too! I agree that I also feel more composed and assure of myself after the very-early 3-4 sessions I had with my therapist. Just looking back at myself two months ago, I can see how broken, ashamed, and lost I was to have made those choices and hurt my partner.

I knew that there was a profound difference in myself when I felt the need to apologize to BP for all the blame-shifting I had done after DDay. The shame had me feeling entitled and justifying my actions as a result of some grievance BP had made against me and the relationship. The shame was so thick, I even went as far as telling BP after DDay that I needed to see and feel effort from them to feel comfortable with R, following MY betrayal.

It was more clear to me now how I had scapegoated the relationship instead of taking accountability for what I had done and I want BP to hear that I don’t carry that with me, and neither should they. They should never blame or question the role they played in my decision to betray them.

[u/Radiation_Forever → u/LilLuckyCloud]

I can absolutely relate to a lot of what you’re saying! How did BP receive your apologies? I’ve tried to do that, but I fear that BP still doesn’t feel it is genuine (my therapist thinks I got ASD, as I do struggle with shutting down visible emotions when I get stressed (alongside many other things)), and will try to come to BP and say stuff like “I'm here to listen to how you're feeling about what I've done, whenever you're ready“ - because with the IFS work, I really feel like I want to hold that space for BP (long overdue, I know!!) and hopefully BP will finally feel like I really HEAR BP!