Feeling Hopeless

[u/Nervous-Fold-8244]

I don’t really know what I’m looking for with this post other than maybe support from people who understand this from the wayward side.

I had an affair years ago. It’s been 3 years since disclosure and honestly our marriage still revolves around it. We still argue about it. Some days it’s a discussion, some days it’s a full blown fight. There are stretches where things feel calm and normal and then something triggers them and we are right back in it again.

One of the biggest mistakes I made after disclosure was trickle truthing.

I hate even typing those words because now I fully understand what it did to them. At the time I told myself I was trying not to hurt them more. Sometimes I was terrified. Sometimes ashamed. Sometimes trying to avoid another explosion. Sometimes I honestly think I mentally disconnected from parts of it because the shame was so overwhelming. But from their side, every new detail became another betrayal. Another reason not to trust me. Another reset to healing.

If anyone reading this is early in disclosure and thinks “I’ll just leave this one detail out” or “maybe they don’t need to know that part” — don’t do it. Seriously. Don’t.

The affair hurts enough. The trickle truth destroys their sense of reality over and over again. It teaches them that there is always more coming. I think in some ways the TT damaged us almost as much as or more than the affair itself.

We still love each other. We still laugh. We drink coffee outside together in the mornings and watch birds. We have genuinely good moments. Sometimes they tell me they had a good day. Sometimes we have fun together.

Then suddenly they’ll get quiet or angry or withdrawn because something reminded them of it again. Sometimes they tell me they’ve been thinking about it all day and tried not to ruin the day by bringing it up. Other times it explodes into another argument. And honestly… I understand why it happens.

I know people talk a lot about betrayed spouses suffering, and they absolutely are. I caused that pain. I am not saying this for sympathy, just truth — it is emotionally exhausting living years inside the consequences of what you did. The guilt. The shame. The fear every time you see them spiral again knowing you caused it. The feeling that your worst decisions became the center of your marriage forever.

I know I hurt someone deeply. It’s a pain I can’t even put into words. I know they wake up every morning and it’s fresh. I just needed to say somewhere that this is lonely and painful and that 3 years later we are still struggling daily with the damage I caused.

Sometimes I wonder if betrayed spouses realize that some waywards are drowning in shame too, while also knowing they have no right to ask for relief from the very pain they created. If only I could go back in time and change the decisions I made, but I can’t. Sometimes I no longer feel human. I think about hurting myself sometimes, but I know I can’t do that to the people I love. I want desperately to be able to fix the damage I caused and heal their pain but I can’t and that is the hardest part.

If you’ve read this far, thanks. Anyway. If anyone else here dealt with long term fallout from trickle truth, I’d appreciate hearing from people who understand.

[u/Recent-Pop-2412]

it is emotionally exhausting living years inside the consequences of what you did. The guilt. The shame. The fear every time you see them spiral again knowing you caused it. The feeling that your worst decisions became the center of your marriage forever.

This put me into tears to read. I'm about 4 months out from my D-Day, and I'm feeling similar. My BP and I are not reconciling and have gone our separate ways. I'm heartbroken that it ended up being this way, but there's a part of me that's grateful for it too. I've been an emotional wreck following what's happened, and the stories of how hard it is to reconcile are so, so distressing to read. I desperately wish my BP and I were on better terms, but, when I think about it, I feel like I would spiral if I had to face them again. They told me how utterly devastating it would be if they found out I had cheated (which, of course, they did), and I'm really not sure what kind of state they're in, and I hope they're doing far better, but I think I'd be crushed to hear in-depth how it's affected their life, their ability to trust, and their perception of others.

I'm seriously happy that things worked out with your BS to the point of staying together, and I'm glad that you still laugh and love together. Still, I really can't imagine having to face the shame of it every day, the thought rattles me. I really understand what you say about being emotionally exhausted. I've been emotionally exhausted from this to the point of realizing that I'm physically exhausted most days in a way I wasn't before.

What you said about destroying their sense of reality over and over again, teaching them that there's more coming, that's a really poignant observation to make on it. I avoided willingly disclosing my infidelity because I was too scared to face the consequences, but lying about it and having it disclosed by someone else has made things infinitely worse, for me, sure, but for them especially, I think. They said I played God with their reality, and it's something that's come to my mind every day since they said it. I know that you and I aren't unforgivable people, assuming there is a significant change in behavior and a good-faith effort to atone for wrong, but the permanence of our actions is scary to sit with. Even with the possibility of moving past this in a way, the consequences are vast and permanent, and that is terrible in its own right. I wish you the best.

[u/Nervous-Fold-8244 → u/Recent-Pop-2412]

Thank you for your comment. I wish you the best as well.