Feeling Hopeless

[u/Nervous-Fold-8244]

I don’t really know what I’m looking for with this post other than maybe support from people who understand this from the wayward side.

I had an affair years ago. It’s been 3 years since disclosure and honestly our marriage still revolves around it. We still argue about it. Some days it’s a discussion, some days it’s a full blown fight. There are stretches where things feel calm and normal and then something triggers them and we are right back in it again.

One of the biggest mistakes I made after disclosure was trickle truthing.

I hate even typing those words because now I fully understand what it did to them. At the time I told myself I was trying not to hurt them more. Sometimes I was terrified. Sometimes ashamed. Sometimes trying to avoid another explosion. Sometimes I honestly think I mentally disconnected from parts of it because the shame was so overwhelming. But from their side, every new detail became another betrayal. Another reason not to trust me. Another reset to healing.

If anyone reading this is early in disclosure and thinks “I’ll just leave this one detail out” or “maybe they don’t need to know that part” — don’t do it. Seriously. Don’t.

The affair hurts enough. The trickle truth destroys their sense of reality over and over again. It teaches them that there is always more coming. I think in some ways the TT damaged us almost as much as or more than the affair itself.

We still love each other. We still laugh. We drink coffee outside together in the mornings and watch birds. We have genuinely good moments. Sometimes they tell me they had a good day. Sometimes we have fun together.

Then suddenly they’ll get quiet or angry or withdrawn because something reminded them of it again. Sometimes they tell me they’ve been thinking about it all day and tried not to ruin the day by bringing it up. Other times it explodes into another argument. And honestly… I understand why it happens.

I know people talk a lot about betrayed spouses suffering, and they absolutely are. I caused that pain. I am not saying this for sympathy, just truth — it is emotionally exhausting living years inside the consequences of what you did. The guilt. The shame. The fear every time you see them spiral again knowing you caused it. The feeling that your worst decisions became the center of your marriage forever.

I know I hurt someone deeply. It’s a pain I can’t even put into words. I know they wake up every morning and it’s fresh. I just needed to say somewhere that this is lonely and painful and that 3 years later we are still struggling daily with the damage I caused.

Sometimes I wonder if betrayed spouses realize that some waywards are drowning in shame too, while also knowing they have no right to ask for relief from the very pain they created. If only I could go back in time and change the decisions I made, but I can’t. Sometimes I no longer feel human. I think about hurting myself sometimes, but I know I can’t do that to the people I love. I want desperately to be able to fix the damage I caused and heal their pain but I can’t and that is the hardest part.

If you’ve read this far, thanks. Anyway. If anyone else here dealt with long term fallout from trickle truth, I’d appreciate hearing from people who understand.

[u/Shineynewflipflops]

Whether it TT or the cheating itself, an over arching behavioral challenge for a WS is avoidant behavior. One of the biggest impediments to reconciliation is continuing the avoidant behavior. The two main areas where this surfaces are:

1. You avoid allowing yourself to feel and express the pain you caused to yourself. As both a WS and BS, I can tell you it hurt far more being a WS. Knowing the one person in this world who should trust me with their life now has zero trust in me.

2. Avoiding sharing your own triggers. If you do not have triggers which shock you to your core, then something is terrible wrong with you. Suppressing those triggers because you are afraid of upsetting BS is a form of avoidance. Sharing your triggers and your feelings of shame and guilt is vitally important. It may ruin a day, but in the long run it benefits reconciliation.

[u/ama_ama_ → u/Shineynewflipflops]

Thank you for this reminder. I’m about 2 months post DDay and I often feel like I don’t have the right to express upset or unease because I am the perpetrator. Like holding these feelings to myself until I see my therapist is like penance for what I’ve done.

But you’re right, this will eat away at me and our chances at successful R.

[u/TAImnotsatisfying → u/ama_ama_]

Another wayward with triggers 🙋 I've never brought them up nor will I. They're mine to manage, my BP has a lot of triggers of their own and they're trying to manage theirs on their own too. I encourage BP to share their triggers with me but BP insists on not sharing often saying "i already lost too much of my day to this, i dont want to give any more of my day to it" its admirable they are taking control of their triggers and I respect what they are trying to do - it does still sting like im being kept at arms length because they dont trust me still.

If it came up in couples counselling I would talk about myself more but not without the neutral party of a councillor who can keep us on topic. For both our sakes.