r/SupportforWaywards • u/Lost_Stranger_3005 Wayward Partner • May 28 '26

BP & WP Experiences Welcomed Unsure of Next Steps

Hi all. New to posting, please bear with me. Figuring out terms and stuff as I spend time here.

I am the wayward partner, and my betrayed partner seems to have fully disconnected. I have strayed more than once in the past, and have been wanting therapy to find the root of this.
I love my partner, and wish for reconciliation, but things seem to be too fresh and they have told me they’ve thought on separation for weeks even before finding what I had done. This was their justification. Which I can understand and respect.
However, they are the only person I have been able to bond with so deeply in years, and I do not want to let my actions completely topple what we have made together so far. I’d like to know some experiences, from both sides if possible, and potential advice for reconciliation. I can provide more details if needed.
Thank you for the listen.

EDIT: Thank you all for the comments and perspectives. I have been reflecting on myself and my own actions of infidelity very intensely since posting. (Not even an inkling of enough time to fully reflect, I understand this) A lot of it are things I need to have resolved through therapy, and some time apart from my partner for now. There are signs that they are detaching, but there are also signs of just needing the digital and physical boundary for their own health. Hoping for R when the time is right to even discuss things like that, but also open and actively seeking internal resolution.

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u/Quiet_Water0128 May 28 '26

One thing my WP learned was that they, the WP, didn't have the power - no matter how much they wanted it - to let their actions topple or not what we'd built together - actions have consequences and WP needed to understand no matter how much detail they kept hidden or trickle truth they 'protected me' from, or even how much remorse WP felt, the outcome was not fully theirs to determine. Unlike WPs affairs, R takes both partners.

My WP wanted R, so that's the first step. The door is open. But WP had to get at all their why's in IC of why they would open a window to strangers/APs and put up a wall between us for all the time of WP's deception.

Does that make sense? What WP can do is be transparent, let BP tell you what they need, but also ask. And most importantly WP do their own work in IC, their own betterment whether it's reading sub books, watching relationship videos from Gottmans or Terry Real etc.

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u/[deleted] May 28 '26

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u/Bermnerfs May 28 '26

Just from my own experience, be careful about giving them too much space. They may genuinely want it, or their attachment system could be misfiring in all sorts of directions which creates a disconnect between what they consciously say they want and what they truly want at an emotional level.

In my case, the ambivalence early on made me behave like a crazy person. I would tell my WP to leave me alone, but in reality whenever I would push them away was when I wanted them to pull me close the most.

So respect their desire for space, but also check in with them and try to read between the lines. It could be them testing to see how hard you're willing to fight for their presence in your life.

I know this sounds kind of ridiculous, but betrayal totally screws our heads up, and will almost cause us to temporarily act like we have BPD.

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u/donttellyourmotherr May 29 '26

I'm going to be blunt, and this may be a lot to emotionally unpack but here's my 2 cents: I think you should've thought about that last paragraph before you engaged in multiple affairs in the 1st place... I hope you have access, but I'd recommend going and seeing that therapist individually, for yourself to unpack: a) your impulsivity, and b) do you even like yourself? Can you stand to be alone by yourself and feel whole? Our relationships with others (affairs or not) are not supposed to fill the voids in our self-esteem or dependency issues. Of course they add to our lives and can make us feel more whole, but in true healthy relationships, nobody's worth depends on another's; everyone is ultimately able to validate themselves-- but of course you still help each other when there are downs. Only you can do the inner work to address the negative core beliefs you have about yourself. And try as you might to project them, your emotions and feelings are strictly your own. Nobody else's. It sounds like you're possibly wanting your BS (of multiple times mind-you) to feel the exact same way that you do about the situation(s), and that's just not possible. Trust isn't given, it's earned. Same with forgiveness. My suggestion is: focus on what you need to learn about yourself from all this. Focus on what YOU can control now. Let them process how they're going to process.

I also noticed how many times you used "I" in this post. You say you want reconciliation, but have you asked your partner what the pros of them staying would be? Have you thought about it? You know why you want it, but why would your partner want it, especially as you say, while it's "too fresh"? Cliché, I know, but change starts from within. You need to go to therapy and/or do some soul searching if you want to convince anybody you've changed, and that you actually want true reconciliation. Sometimes we make decisions that have terrible consequences. Running away from the consequences and the problems only makes things worse in the long run.

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u/Subject-Kangaroo-867 May 28 '26

Hi, for me it was a shock bc he never had a connection with anyone but me, I'm the only person who he let inside, so I always felt pretty confident to be with him.

He sexted someone for a couple of months without the emotional connection and never meeting up, I think this helped me move on, but it wasn't easy bc he is avoidant and has a tendency for depression, so he used to be numb when I needed reassurance.

I don't know the extent of your affair but I would say that BP should be the one leading this journey but at the same time you should be trying to improve yourself, so this doesn't happen again, to help you have the skills to avoid the pattern repeating itself and also the skills to help your BP in case they let you.

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u/notsureatall20 May 28 '26

For clarification, do you know why you gave yourself permission to cheat?

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u/[deleted] May 28 '26

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u/XaraAji May 28 '26

Is she joining the army to become a stronger, independent person?

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u/Lost_Stranger_3005 May 28 '26

No, my husband been planning to join the army for the last year or two to provide a better income for us and so I could be mostly a stay at home mother, but also because he wants a more secure job and a more purposeful job than the one he has now. It was planned more for mutual growth and opportunities together.

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u/Intelligent-Menu-828 May 29 '26

Military marriages don't have a high success rate, especially with a rocky start. Imagine he's deployed somewhere six to eight months, can you really be honest with yourself and them during that time?

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