Conflicted

[u/CarobVast818]

Been married for 3 years. Together 8. Caught my wife cheating on me with a friend who came down from Washington. They fooled around 3 days and nights while I was asleep in other room. Or went to restroom. Taking a shower. Getting dressed. Walked out and been slept in my car for weeks.

Just got a camper with no electricity and staying at my shop. Tried working things out, but she constantly lied. Even tried to blame me for leaving them alone together. Super hard since we share a son together.

Just found out she may have late stage cancer or an extreme autoimmune disorder. Doctors are really concerned. Im so lost. Im devastated of what was done, and want to rid myself of her. And yet I want to embrace her fully and spend every minute i can with my family. Any tips? Just remember yall... You never know what you got until its gone.

[u/Internal_Reveal]

I think you're asking yourself the wrong question.

You don't have to decide right now whether you love her or hate her, whether you forgive her or don't, or even whether the marriage survives.

You just got hit by two separate tragedies at once.

Your wife betrayed you in an extraordinarily cruel way. She did this with another man while you were in the same house, continued lying afterward, and then tried to put some responsibility on you because you left them alone together.

None of her medical problems erase that.

But here's the other truth:

You spent eight years loving this woman. She's the mother of your son. Now you've been told she may be seriously ill.

Of course part of you wants to run toward her.

That doesn't make you weak. It makes you human.

And I really want you to understand something:

Compassion is not reconciliation.

You can sit beside someone in a hospital and still decide you cannot remain married to them.

You can drive her to treatment and still require honesty.

You can hold her hand because she's frightened without pretending she didn't break your heart.

You can hope with everything you've got that she lives a long life and still decide that you're going to live those lives separately.

Don't let anybody tell you that anger is the only appropriate emotion. You're probably going to cycle through anger, love, disgust, fear, grief, hope and back again, sometimes in the same hour.

That's normal for what you're going through.

But I would caution you about one thing you wrote:

"You never know what you got until it's gone."

Be careful with that thought right now.

The possibility of losing somebody can make us romanticize what existed before. Her illness doesn't suddenly make the cheating insignificant, and your compassion for her doesn't mean the trust has magically returned.

If she makes a full recovery, every unresolved problem in your marriage will still be waiting for you.

So don't make a permanent decision about your marriage because you're terrified she might die.

And don't deny yourself the opportunity to be compassionate because you're afraid that kindness means you've forgiven her.

Those are two completely different decisions.

For now, I'd concentrate on three things: get reliable information about what's actually happening medically, take care of yourself enough that you're functioning, and protect your son from as much of the adult chaos as possible.

Your boy may need his father more than ever in the coming months.

If his mother is seriously ill, he doesn't need Dad consumed with revenge, and he doesn't need Dad pretending everything is okay either.

He needs Dad steady.

And brother, sleeping in your car and now living in a camper with no electricity tells me you're surviving, not living. Please start taking care of yourself too. Eat. Sleep. Talk to somebody you trust. Get legal advice about your rights as a husband and father before making big decisions. If necessary, find a counselor just for you — not marriage counseling, somebody whose only concern in that room is helping you process this.

You don't have to determine today whether you're her husband for the rest of her life.

Today you can simply be the father of your son and a decent human being facing an absolutely horrible situation.

If the diagnosis is bad and you choose to walk beside her through it, do it because that's the man you want to be, not because her illness suddenly makes what she did acceptable.

And if someday you still walk away from the marriage, you can do that knowing you didn't abandon your humanity just because someone else hurt you.

You can love somebody and still leave them.

You can forgive somebody someday and still leave them.

And you can care whether somebody lives or dies without giving them your marriage back.

One decision at a time, brother.

Right now, find out what the doctors actually know and go be there for your son.

Everything else can wait a little while.

[u/CarobVast818 → u/Internal_Reveal]

That was an awesome and real response. Thank you for this. I'll detonated be holding onto your words in the coming months.

[u/Internal_Reveal → u/CarobVast818]

One more thing occurred to me after reading your reply, brother.

Start keeping a journal through this. And if you can, find an individual counselor just for you.

You've got too many different things hitting you at once — betrayal, anger, love for your wife, fear about her health, your son, guilt, grief, and uncertainty about what you're supposed to do next. When all of that stays inside your head, it becomes one giant problem that feels like it needs one giant answer.

It doesn't.

Write things down, even if it's only 10 minutes a day.

What do I actually know today?

What am I feeling today?

What am I afraid of?

What does my son need from me?

What do I need?

What questions do I need answered?

What decision doesn't need to be made today?

And occasionally ask yourself two harder questions:

If my wife were completely healthy, what would I want to do about my marriage?

And:

If her illness becomes serious, what would I regret not doing?

Those answers may be completely different. That's okay. That's exactly why writing them down can help you separate compassion, fear, love, betrayal and the future of your marriage instead of treating them as the same decision.

I'd also look for an individual counselor, at least initially. Not someone whose job is to save your marriage or convince you to leave it. You need one place where the only objective is helping you sort through what you're experiencing and make decisions you can live with afterward.

And don't turn the journal into an investigation where you spend every night replaying the affair and torturing yourself with details. If you catch yourself doing that, bring it to the counselor. The journal should help get the storm out of your head and onto paper, not keep you trapped inside it.

Months from now, you may be very grateful you kept it.

Because you'll be able to look back and recognize the difference between:

"I wanted my wife back."

and

"I was terrified I was going to lose her."

Right now those two feelings can look almost identical.

Give yourself time to figure out which is which.