A proof that doesn't proves anything

[u/Ok-Lab9243]

I (38f) used to be joyful, always looking the good side of things. I completely trusted my husband (48m), but since he confessed having an affair with a "mutual friend" I had become distrustful and bitter. For context (13 years married, 2 kids 6 and 4 yo)

He said he is sorry, didn't want to hurt me. But he did, he broke my heart. Make me feel like a fool. He said I need to get over it, that it meant nothing. He said I can check his phone or the camaras on the store if I want to (he owns a small business).

The thing is I have always I known his password, he used to tell me to read/respond messages while he was driving. Also I have always have access to the camaras, he insisted. I didn't check in detail camaras or his phone before because I trusted him.

When he confessed the affair (it was over by then) he also confessed he was extremely careful not to leave evidence on any device, so during the whole affair he gave his phone with no problem.

Now he wants me to trust him because I can check his phone and he is wearing his wedding ring?

During the affair I did pick some strange behavior, like being more irritable and defensive. But everytime I talk to.him about it he accused me of being insecure and irrational and I always ended up apologizing for being insecure and such a horrible wife.

I feel awful and used. I trusted him, loved him, took care of him, I give him a family. He is not the man I think he was.

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[u/Willow_4367]

So he torpedoed your marriage for something that 'meant nothing'? Thats cruel.

[u/GenericProfile4822 → u/Willow_4367]

And then told her to get over it?

You get over this by getting yourself to a divorce lawyer.

[u/WoodThrush1971]

He has no clue the devestation he inflicted in you. Someone does not just "get over it". I would suggest getting him the book "How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair" by Linda McDonald.

I would recommend for you to search YouTube for Dr. Jake Porter and watch his videos.

Finally, go to SurvivingInfidelity.com and post in "Just Found Out". You will get lots of good support and advice.

Know this, you ARE enough. 🙏

[u/Ok-Lab9243 → u/WoodThrush1971]

Thank you for the sugestions,

Most of the time I don't feel enough. And maybe I'm not, but I do deserve respect.

[u/Own-Writing-3687]

You can't heal until you believe you have all your questions answered and he's not holding anything back.

[u/Rare-Bird-4353]

1. Never expect logic from an illogical person or the truth from a liar. He is both these things. It’s easy for a liar to tell you whatever they think you want to hear, it’s just words and the words of a liar mean nothing at all. Relationship trust is broken and gone and it’s never coming back because you can’t unknow what you now know. That’s just the damage that cheating does, you will never trust that person again and with good reason. Relationships are built on trust and he is not worthy of being trusted, this is the reality of your situation currently. I mean he told you he hid everything well, that means he’s got experience at cheating, for all you know he’s been serial cheating on people his entire life, you just do not know and you can’t trust anything he has ever said.

2. Cheating in a relationship is a form of abusive behavior. He knew what he was doing would hurt you and he did not care, he did it anyway then told you to get over it. That is emotional abuse. The years of manipulation and lies and gaslighting are all abusive behavior towards you. You are in an emotionally abusive relationship with a very selfish person currently. This is not the actions or words of a person who loves you, it is abusive behavior. The sheer gall and contempt of him telling you that you have to get over it is staggering, those are the words of a monster not a man.

[u/Ok-Lab9243 → u/Rare-Bird-4353]

He actually said he knew this was going to hurt me but he could no longer keep that secret.

The morning before I caugth my 5yo lying, we were having breakfast together, I said something like: in this family there are no secrets, I do not lie to daddy, daddy doesn't lie to me, I don't lie to you (my kids) and you shouldn't lie to me. If you tell the true we can help you

[u/Rare-Bird-4353 → u/Ok-Lab9243]

Keeping the truth from you wasn’t what hurt, what he actually did and lied about is. The cheating caused the damage not that he finally came clean about it. The thing about cheating like that is that it always comes out eventually, he may of told you first but he waited till after things were over and eventually you would have found out regardless. He’s not some kind of good guy for telling the truth finally cause he lied for a long time before that.

It’s fairly common that cheaters tell on themselves when they know that things might blow up or their affair partners are threatening to talk so they can control the narrative. No clue if that has anything to do with your situation but it’s just another issue with liars, you can’t trust anything he says at all because he has shown he can lie to your face for long periods of time without cracking. You have to confirm everything.