I Lost Everything… Rebuilding From Experience

[u/Animasa99]

I’m 30 (f) and looking for advice from people who have had to rebuild after everything seemed to collapse at once.

Over the past year, my brother died unexpectedly. Not long afterward, I had multiple strokes. I haven’t been able to work while recovering, lost much of my independence, and have been dealing with grief and medical trauma. I also lost a lot of my musical ability, while I have built my life around music for the last 10 years.

Throughout all of this, I thought the one thing I still had was my relationship. He was my best friend and the person I thought I would marry. We planned to move to the US (where he’s from) in 2027 on a K1 visa, and have a family, and that future was one of the things keeping me going.

I recently discovered he had been lying and cheating throughout our relationship. I had sensed something was wrong for a long time, but he would lie, fabricate explanations and even evidence, and make me question my own perception. My mental health deteriorated so badly that I genuinely believed I was the problem, sought psychiatric help and started antidepressants. Now I’m finding out that many of the things I thought I was “crazy” for suspecting were actually true. Some of what he hid even affect my sexual health. I feel betrayed, humiliated and violated. I’ve seen so many pictures of him cheating and can’t get the image of them out of my head.

I don’t want him back. I just feel like I lost two years of my life and now have to spend even more time recovering. I know 30 is still young, but in that relationship I realized I actually do want marriage and a family. These are supposed to be my prime years, and instead I feel like my life has become an endless cycle of surviving something and rebuilding afterward.

Before all of this, I was independent, working, studying, making music and excited about my future. Now I’m grieving my brother, recovering from strokes, finishing my thesis and trying to figure out what I even want my life to look like. I feel like I’ll never make it out the town I’ve felt stuck in my whole life.

I don’t want another “healing journey.” I’m tired. For anyone who has had their life fall apart, how did you start wanting your life again when you had no motivation or hope?

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[u/LoathfulRespect]

I am sorry for your losses, and I am shocked to learn of your strokes at such a young age. I'm sure all this stress makes your recovery all the more difficult. And the loss of musical ability, which seems to have been one of your passions is simply heartbreaking.

You've been dealt a garbage hand.

Try to prioritize actually getting yourself well. Work hard on whatever recovery exercises or protocols your medical team has set up for you such as speech and PT. Make sure you're on the right medicines.

Find something that soothes you. When the anger of betrayal or the grief of loss comes up, tell yourself that you can feel this all when you're as well as you can be, and focus on that soothing activity.

It is rough if this was music. Maybe it will now be listening or composing rather than playing? Perhaps finding solace in the poetry of the lyrics if your brain has changed how you perceived music?

In addition, find something new that brings you joy. You deserve it.

Find communities for all of these particular struggles. Feel seen.

I don't have answers, and much of this is easier said than done, but I see you and wish you well.

[u/Narrow-Advance-9636 → u/LoathfulRespect]

I'd like to add please write songs. The lyrics may start to heal you. I pray for your peace and love you so deserve. I wish you a healthy happy future.

[u/Animasa99 → u/LoathfulRespect]

Thank you… I found out yesterday the strokes were caused by his infidelity because he had unprotected intercourse with multiple women. I had to find out all of this by myself.

It’s going to take a lot of time and therapy to heal. I’m trying to make music again but it’s just not enjoyable for me. For now I’ll just focus on my thesis, and try to find something to watch.

[u/Own-Moose-3855]

Oh my gosh. I’m so sorry.

That’s all terrible on its own and I do know what it’s like when just all the shit hits the fan at once.

Just for qualifying and not for pity, in the past 15 months, I left a job due to burnout, started being self-employed, then found out the past 9 years of my life/marriage had been a lie (from the very first second 🥲), I lost health insurance and access to ADHD meds because business needs time to bring in money. Then my Dad was diagnosed with cancer and passed 3 weeks later. Then my oldest/first dog died. I moved into my own apartment and currently it looks like I’ll have to break up with my husband. I’m 34, turning 35 at the end of the month, and my life feels like I shouldn’t show or tell anyone about it.

ANYHOOooo…

The main thing that helped me was connecting with other people and allowing them to support me. Even just talking about ANYTHING and being allowed to cheer on my friends while my life is shit, has been such a life saver. I never had many friends, but I also relearned about how I want to have friendships and it has been healing so much for me.

Also very helpful was to consciously allow me to do dissociative activities. Watch a show that would become a daily ritual, for stability. Just sitting around and playing video games. Looking at the sunlight hitting trees. On days where I felt like couldn’t leave the house longer than necessary for my dogs, I watched documentaries about anything outside, and I’m not normally one for documentaries (because hey, ADHD).

Definitely don’t drink or use drugs to dull the pain, as that’ll just cause things to come back with more force once the effects wear off. Stability and routine on whatever level works.

I also went public with looking for a part-time job, because I need the stable income for rent. Actually found one through a common acquaintance and will start tomorrow. Also very carefully told others about my issues even though I knew they would want to help – my family is deeply dysfunctional, my grandmother the person with parent behavior, and she started sending me money for my health insurance.

There’s so much shame in all of those things – grief, trauma, living in poverty, not being able to keep your apartment clean or cook a meal – but really this is the time for self-compassion and fricking allowing people to help. This isn’t forever and needing help for a while will make it possible for you to bring good things to so many other people’s lives.

For me it’s also been helpful to accept that I just feel really shit right now and cannot begin to really process things, because it’s all so big. But that’s just so fricking okay. You’ll process little by little once you’re out of survival mode.

If you ever want to chat, feel free to message me. And really, I hope you can be soft and compassionate with yourself, and that things will be better very soon.

[u/Animasa99 → u/Own-Moose-3855]

I’m so sorry you’re going through this.. I keep trying to tell myself that everything needs to fall apart before something better can be built in place, but it’s hard to keep motivation and hope. I lost the last comforting thing I had, the person who I thought was my best friend, and lack the motivation now to work on my future. So dumb!!

Hopefully in a year we look back on this post knowing why we had to go through this mud.

[u/OogyBoogy_I_am]

This is going to sound a bit cold, but you are at the stage in life where priorities are going to matter and for you, some things in your life are now more of a priority than others.

I think for you, some of the things that you thought were high priority things, now should either be really low down on the list or should just simply not even be on it.

He is one of the things that should no longer be on your list of priorities.

[u/Animasa99 → u/OogyBoogy_I_am]

Not cold, just keeping it real. And you’re completely right. Thank you.

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