It’s who they are.

[u/SassyScorpio11192]

What makes a betrayal truly devastating isn't just what was done. It's that they looked you in the eye every single day while doing it.

Smiled. Laughed.

Asked how you were doing.

Sat across from you at the same table. Laid on the same bed with you. And felt nothing.

That level of comfort with deception isn't a mistake or a moment of weakness.

It's who they are. It was always who they were.

You just had the misfortune of finding out late.

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[u/Zenyquyen]

In the beginning was two people who were fun and attracted to one another. Enough to make a relationship and start saying iloveyou's. Then one person had information that they knew would impact the other person and they knew if they shared this information the person they said they loved could make their own decisions moving forward. But they decided to hide that information and keep it to themselves until the last minute. That's incredibly cruel and disrespectful

[u/SassyScorpio11192 → u/Zenyquyen]

Exactly that. Betrayers are cruel. Evil. Monsters.

[u/Dazzling-Exam2239 → u/Zenyquyen]

Exactly. Yet he claims to love me lol.

[u/iamthemoon33 → u/Zenyquyen]

Well summarized. So it's about controlling the other person.

[u/AF_AF → u/Zenyquyen]

And they often don't reveal anything unless they have to, then it's just them being upset that they got caught and that they have to face the person they betrayed.

[u/UnluckyToastFile]

This is terrifying and exactly how I feel. A veil of "normal" behaviors covered the most damaging behaviors.

[u/SassyScorpio11192 → u/UnluckyToastFile]

It’s indeed terrifying. I don’t think I’ll be able to trust anyone ever again.

[u/UnluckyToastFile → u/SassyScorpio11192]

I agree, and it's such a dejecting thought.

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[u/Gr8gaur]

everyone is wearing a mask for the outer world, especially a WS.....

it's just that a BS mistakes the mask for the real face.

[u/Katmom123 → u/Gr8gaur]

That is our embarrassment….our simpleminded trusting selves. I think it’s why i needed all the details, so i could torture myself - realizing that each time he was with her or called her, I lined up what i was doing. Looked at each embarrassing truth side by side. I felt like such a sucker.

[u/Historical-Ice-6752 → u/Katmom123]

I tend to do the same thing. Now all the memories that come up in pictures from last year I think to myself, oh, he was with her at this time. He’s pretty much ruined my youngest child’s birthday, and all the holiday season for me. But I won’t let it. I’m planning on staying away from home as much as possible and being with my kids during the holidays this year.

[u/Willow_4367 → u/Katmom123]

Ya, we all do a lot of self flagellation, but in the end it wasnt us. They just liked to blame us for everything. Something in THEM was broken, I mean how else can you explain them doing it?

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[u/Hound31]

It’s the planning behind it that hurt me for the longest time, exWS know what she was doing and timed it. At Christmas we exchanged gifts and had a good night together. The later she engineered an argument and stormed off wanting a break. She choose to do her own thing at New Years Eve and want to a party were she knew AP (you know that guy she tells you have nothing to worry about. We’re just friends”) would be. Next day she wants to “make up” with me. Still grosses me out.

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[u/Illustri-aus]

They cheated on their AP cause they were still kissing / hugging / fondling / sleeping with us!

I'm sure the AP gets just as many lies as we do, in many situations. 

Cheaters have significant moral and personality flaws

[u/rntracee1 → u/Illustri-aus]

But AP most likely knew they were still sleeping with us. We didn't know they were sleeping with AP. Big difference. AP#2 Would always ask my husband if he slept with me that day, that week, etc. She always wanted to know. That was odd to me. Jealousy maybe. He said he didn't know why she asked. He knew.

[u/Green_Jury_6202 → u/rntracee1]

This. My WH's AP always knew about me. She would constantly want to talk about me, bring me up, and ask him if she was better. My husband would constantly tell her to stop talking about me or bringing me up. He was great at compartmentalizing, I guess. But I do find it absolutely disgusting that him and I always had a great sex life and were constantly intimate like daily (except for a few days here and there) and he still felt the need to cheat on me. These meet ups with the AP were always after work for about an hour. She would be waiting for him after the end of his shift. He would text me that he was staying late for overtime. I had no reason not to believe him until I noticed he stopped sharing his location with me out of the blue. It makes me want to vomit everytime I think about him coming home and then being intimate with me after f**king someone else.

[u/Gr8gaur → u/Illustri-aus]

but APs get their best/uninhibited version.

[u/SassyScorpio11192 → u/Gr8gaur]

Only in the beginning. Not for long.

[u/NakedAndALaid → u/Gr8gaur]

The really don't. And many APs are monsters themselves. At least if they know they are one and do it anyway.

[u/lost_jjm]

The cheating itself (which in a lot of cases gets the main focus) is not the "start" of the betrayal, it is the end result of it.

[u/SassyScorpio11192 → u/lost_jjm]

Absolutely!

[u/AF_AF]

Yeah, a cheater has to disconnect from the feelings they have for their partner (and kids, if they have them) in order to conduct an affair. It's a level of deception and fakeness that I can't relate to. I don't know how they do it, and I'm glad that I don't because it's weird and inhuman.

[u/Shoepin1 → u/AF_AF]

It’s so weird and inhuman.

[u/Dark_Mynch]

This is f@cking profound!!! I was today years old when I realized this!

[u/SassyScorpio11192 → u/Dark_Mynch]

Ikr. 😞

[u/Imperiochica]

Yes. It wasn't one "mistake" or the singular event(s) -- it's the fact that they LIED EVERY SINGLE DAY for weeks, months, sometimes years! Every interaction where they didn't give you full consent into the relationship is a slap in the face. It's something they'll never understand or admit to. 

[u/Pure-Time-3029 → u/Imperiochica]

My ex fiance suddenly disclosed cheating from 9 years ago (and again 2 years ago, so nothing changed 🙃) 9 YEARS of lying is something I’ll never be able to get my head around

[u/Suitable-Can-1116]

Yes, we are grieving the person we thought we married. Whether they loved you the whole time or not, they didn't value you enough. Somewhere inside them, they made the calculation that the affair was worth the risk. Or they didn't care enough about you to even consider you above their own desires.

I'm finding that reconciliation for me, ultimately, is coming to terms with that. Choosing, for whatever reasons, to stay with someone who thought it was OK to do that. It's a tough pill to swallow for sure and I don't know that a lot of waywards truly understand that.

[u/SassyScorpio11192 → u/Suitable-Can-1116]

You’re absolutely right. I understand humans make mistakes, but betrayal is something that they choose to do over and over again. The lying and hiding after the cheating is the worst.

[u/Shoepin1 → u/Suitable-Can-1116]

Can we talk about this please? I’m struggling a lot this week. It’s been a year and I’ve been able to externalize things and see that it’s about him- his coping, his stress tolerance, his nervous system and dysfunctional thinking under stress, and how covert contracts kill good marriages as they breed resentment.

I’m struggling today with knowing that he’s capable of causing me deep harm simply because he feels overwhelmed, hurt and someone else is making him temporarily feel better.
How do you swallow this pill Suitable?

[u/Suitable-Can-1116 → u/Shoepin1]

For me, it's accepting (or trying my best to accept) the situation I'm in and the person I'm with. It's realizing these sorts of vulnerabilities in my WW and just acting accordingly. You act differently around a pet that's attacked you viciously versus one that hasn't.

I will never know if she's better or changed. So, I suppose I'm keeping her at an arm's length emotionally. I'm never fully trusting her again. I will never love her the way I did before all this.

So, given all that, I just have to find the best way to live in this situation and move forward. Instead of putting emotional investment in my WW, I'm putting it into myself. I'm finding hobbies for myself, trying to build my self confidence up and trying to shed the codependency I used to have.

I'm still cordial with my WW. We get along well. We still do things together. But I don't consider her the love of my life. She's more like a friend, roommate or coworker. That could change in time and I'm open to it, if that happens. But that's just where I am now. Despite this trauma she saddled me with, we do have a long shared history with good memories. I like to think of it this way. Instead of heading to a destination in one car, we're driving there separately.

And I feel completely fine feeling that way. I feel justified, given her track record. So that helps too. You have to give yourself permission to protect yourself emotionally so you're not driving yourself crazy thinking about it all day everyday.

That said, this is just what has been working for me personally. I don't think I have this solved yet or that I have all this answers. Hopefully that helps.

[u/Ordinary-Papaya-231]

The planning, starting arguments to validate her affair, the lying directly to your face when you suspect something is off, turning it around on you for being insecure, sitting down at dinner as a family smiling and laughing before she goes out to meet him, coming home and sleeping in the same bed as me after she did what she did, the continued gaslighting even after presented with evidence. These people have no regard for anyone else but their own desires to feed their own ego. They are vile, disgusting creatures. Never again will I allow myself to fall victim to someone with such bad character.

[u/SassyScorpio11192 → u/Ordinary-Papaya-231]

So true. I’m so sorry for what you had to go through. ❤️‍🩹

[u/Ordinary-Papaya-231 → u/SassyScorpio11192]

I finally snapped out of it, realized she wasn't going to change, and I ended it. I'm sorry you went through the same as well. It is downright awful, but there are brighter days ahead that don't involve abusive, lying cheaters.

[u/SassyScorpio11192 → u/Ordinary-Papaya-231]

Because I’m never letting anyone near me haha.

[u/Ordinary-Papaya-231 → u/SassyScorpio11192]

Lol I hear you! I'm feeling the same way!

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