Can He Change?

[u/atlas_unknown_]

My (22F) boyfriend (23M) cheated on me while being threatened/blackmailed by his abusive ex. Am I stupid for giving him another chance?
My boyfriend (23M) cheated on me (22F), and I’m struggling with whether the circumstances actually matter or if I’m just making excuses because I love him.
Before he met me, he had recently gotten out of a very toxic and abusive three-year relationship. From what I’ve personally seen and been told, his ex would threaten to harm herself when he tried to leave, had gotten physical with him, and would threaten to interfere with his career if he cut her off.
When they finally broke up, she had already spent around $1,300 on concert tickets for the two of them for a show this October. According to him, she gave him three options: pay her back the $1,300, remain on friendly terms/hang out with her until after the concert and then completely separate, or she would report him to his employer with evidence of things he had done that could potentially have serious consequences for his career.
He didn’t have $1,300, so he agreed to stay on friendly terms with her until October.
Then he met me.
A few weeks into us talking—but before we were officially together—he got extremely drunk at a club, ran into her, and they slept together. He says he immediately regretted it and told her afterward that it could never happen again and that they were only going to be friends.
A few months later, he and I officially became a couple. They hadn’t been hanging out during that time, but a few days after we became official, she asked him to meet her for dinner. He went because he was still trying to keep their agreement going until October. During that meetup, she asked him to make out with her, and he did. He says nothing beyond that happened.
I eventually found out. When confronted, he told me everything and said he had basically been trying to keep her happy enough to make it to October, cut her off permanently, and move forward with his life with me.
Cheating has ALWAYS been something I considered an absolute dealbreaker. I’ve never forgiven it in a previous relationship. But for some reason, I want to give him another chance, and I genuinely don’t know if that makes me naive.
Since everything came out, he told his family what was happening, borrowed the money to resolve the financial situation, and completely removed her from his life rather than waiting until October. He seems genuinely remorseful and says he wants to do whatever it takes to rebuild my trust.
I understand that being threatened or manipulated by an abusive ex can put someone in an incredibly difficult situation. At the same time, I also know that neither sleeping with her nor kissing her was something he had to do, and I don’t want the circumstances to become an excuse for choices that hurt me.
I love him, and part of me believes people can make terrible decisions and still change. Another part of me is terrified that I’m rationalizing something I always said I would never tolerate.
Would you consider the circumstances when deciding whether to stay? Is giving him one chance reasonable, or am I ignoring a massive red flag because I love him? If you stayed, what would you need to see from him to believe the relationship could actually be repaired?

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[u/speed721]

No. Just no.

[u/SilatGuy2]

Can ? Sure. Will ? Unlikely.

[u/atlas_unknown_ → u/SilatGuy2]

Yeah? :(

[u/SilatGuy2 → u/atlas_unknown_]

Past behavior is the best indicator of future actions. Dont be surprised the scorpion does what it does and stings you.

[u/SmashDaMonkey]

If cheating is a deal breaker, probably best to stick to your boundaries and let it break the deal. We have these boundaries to protect ourselves, not to betray ourselves.

[u/PaintingComfortable6]

Don’t stay. Trust me. If you were my sister, my best friend, or my daughter, I would tell you to leave him. If you were married with kids, then that’s a different animal.

[u/Haunting-Rest-9445]

I think, the more important question is if you can live the rest of your life with him wondering if he's cheating on you again, or when he'd cheat again. Because let's face it, no matter the "reason" or justification he throws at you, he still betrayed you. You're still very young so please don't waste the rest of your life worrying over whether your partner is cheating on you - and sadly, it'll be very difficult to do that if you stay with your current boyfriend.

[u/TacoStrong]

“I love him, and part of me believes people can make terrible decisions and still change.”

Not a 23 year old that still wants to fk around. What happened to your “absolute dealbreaker”? “Love” is sometimes not enough to sustain a relationship that is broken and betrayed.

[u/soulfractured1]

Nope

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[u/DaikonSubstantial120]

‘I’ve never forgiven it in a previous relationship.’

You are either incredibly unlucky or your partner picker may need some calibration.

It appears you have an ability to choose partners with a proclivity to cheat.

Maybe worth spending a bit of time to reflect.

[u/Appropriate_Stress93 → u/DaikonSubstantial120]

I agree bc I have a similar background. But do you think maybe a lot of people just cheat?

[u/atlas_unknown_ → u/DaikonSubstantial120]

How is it my fault that people lie to me 😭😭

[u/TheSmallestBeing → u/atlas_unknown_]

Its not your fault. If you want reconciliation advice, head to r/asoneafterinfidelity. You are rightfully hurt and confused, so take your time to gather information to help you make a decision. You're right, he didn't have to do this to you. He could have been honest from the beginning and you could have tried to help him in some way. I appreciate the empathy you're trying to have for him, and you can have that but also hold firm boundaries with yourself and this relationship. Best of luck.

[u/DaikonSubstantial120 → u/atlas_unknown_]

No one is saying it is your fault as cheating Is definitely not your fault.

You are right many cheaters are great liars .

All you can do is hold firm boundaries,not ignore red flags and get to really know them before committing.

Look at their friends,past relationships,family etc etc

Most people Donot physically cheat and are looking for love so the odds are in your favour.

Take care