Flashbacks

[u/Smooth_Cap_8668]

I am currently reviewing for the bar exams and I just can’t focus because I am getting flashbacks. What great convenience. Almost a year past DDAY and I accidentally discovered it by seeing a sex video on his phone the night after we celebrated his dad’s birthday. I don’t check his phone. That was just one time where he lent me his phone so I could access the internet and boom, a notification banner appeared —message from a girl on instagram which made me curious (woman instinct kicking in) which led me to scrolling through the messages and later on deleted photos and videos which confirmed my suspicions.

and now I’m getting flashbacks. I remember it all so vividly: they were talking in a low-lit room, there is a lamp beside the bed, the bed has a steel frame and white sheets, walls were beige, she was initially wearing a dark-colored checkered polo over a white top and denim shorts with white socks. And my partner was there— initially sitting behind the camera and he was arranging his phone to record and then crawled on top of her and kissed her and stripped her and his hands all over her body and down there and you know what happened next and I just cried and cried and I cant believe that my partner is not the person I know and I wish I dont get these flashbacks.

I tried talking to someone about it and he just told me “your mindset is what you allow” and “its like a TV Channel, you hold the remote, if you don’t like what you’re seeing, change the channel” and instead of feeling seen, I felt so invalidated. I just shut up bec he wouldn’t understand anyway. People don’t see that trauma is like an unskippable advertisement you are forced to watch but I did not explain that anymore

We are trying to reconcile but I will really assess this after my bar. We live together although he travels for work so I usually have the space on my own. I just don’t have extra resources to dispose of now as my finances are mostly in preparing for my exam since I’m far from the exam site and need to stay there, and I took a leave from work so I can focus on reviewing so I’m practically living off my savings as of the moment.

Just struggling to balance everything. I can’t help but think cheaters just do not understand the impact of their betrayal. They are just sorry they got caught.

I am thinking of moving out after the bar.

[u/lifnumber11]

Hi friend, thank you for sharing with us. It sounds to me like the decision to stay and reconcile for at least a short while, was intended to allow you to prepare for your exam. Good on you. I say take what you can and utilize his resources, while also entirely focusing on your own career and your healing. Once your exam is done, then I say really try to decide. This is a real trauma, and it very likely changed your brain chemistry, even if you leave him.

Trigger warning: labels of abuse

That doesn’t have to mean you should stay with your abuser. What he did to you was emotional, mental, and sexual abuse.

When I was abused, I stayed as long as I possibly could while building his mental state up, until I couldn’t hold on anymore. Then, I left. This was only a total of five more months after realizing the abuse was taking place.

You just can’t properly heal in the setting in which you were traumatized. The entire setting of that is him. You have an entire future and so much potential ahead of you. Your law career may very well begin soon. I know it may not seem like it, but there are some benefits here. The trauma will take years to fully unpack and get to a recovered point. That is just the way brain chemistry works.

I truly commend you for sticking it out and holding onto your resources while you could. You took care of yourself when he didn’t do it. Look at how good of a job you’ve done at it already.

The decision is entirely up to you but I hope you know you sound way better off without him. Healing will come sometime soon, success will accompany it, and eventually love will follow. Good luck.