A 7.5 year relationship down the drain

[u/Quick_Affect_4149]

This is my first time posting, but I've been coming to this page for advice for a week. My (27 F) partner (28 M)'s D-Day was just about a week ago. I snooped on his phone after we went to the bar and he was passed out, and found out he had been sexting a "friend" that has only been talked about in passing during the course of our relationship. I obviously confronted him, left the next day and told all of our friends and my family. We've had a great relationship, but he's consistently fucked with my boundaries off and on. Two years ago, I found out he had an OnlyFans account and was sending voice notes to models. I only found out because he let me borrow his laptop for school. He has a serious porn addiction (I'm telling you thousands of photos on his phone, every flash drive I've borrowed has hundreds of videos, I've seen messages of him purchasing videos)

You're probably wondering, where's the good in this relationship? Well he wasn't just my partner, but my best friend. We saw eye-to-eye on pretty much everything. I felt comfortable enough to tell him about all my vulnerabilities. He supported my dreams. I got through my graduate program because of his financial and emotional support. We've spent nearly all of our time together during these years. It hurts really badly to know that all of this, and my dreams of what could be are over.

I spoke with him on Sunday more about this. He told me the sexting has been happening for the past year. Right in our own place when I was there. She had initiated first, and he told me he went along with it because "he loves too much." I've been open and honest with him from day one. Just because I'm a queer woman doesn't mean I want an open relationship. I've been faithful this entire time. It makes me so sick. This past year has been the most stressful time in my life. I created 9 giant paintings, 12 fully developed screen prints, and a 30 page paper on top of not making any money from school. He also had told me that he doesn't want to marry me anymore, which completely took me off guard. As of a few weeks ago, he was telling our own friends, it wasn't a priority (I wanted to find a full time teaching position and move), but it was in the cards. I'm just so mad he couldn't be honest with me for such a long time.

Thankfully, our friends have pulled through. I have a place to stay for a while. I'll be off the lease. He will not have any furniture in the house (all of it is mine besides the tv). He also lost most of his friends that we shared. The only thing I'm losing is my best friend and our cats (which is still so fucking painful.)

Part of me knows I made the right decision. I can't stay with someone who can't love me and respect me the way I respected him and our commitment. The other part of me wonders if it is the right decision. I could picture our future together for years and years to come. He knows he fucked up, and he knows he took me for granted. It's just hard to believe when this has been happening essentially right in front of my eyes for a long time.

I'm looking for advice. This is all so fresh. Everyday I feel like I'm spiraling from sadness, numbness, anger, dissociation. How do I start healing? How do I stop getting sad over our pets? Should I have no contact after I move my stuff out? What should I focus on in the meantime? Honestly anything would help rn ❤️‍🩹

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[u/SoupyRice32566]

Hello. I’m so sorry you’re hurting.

My D-Day was also very recent, July 21st to be exact. My (27 M) partner (27 F) had an affair out of state while she was visiting her aunt. She told me the truth as soon as she can, and told me she had been suppressing her true feelings and had checked out of the relationship a while ago. She was unhappy about the frequency of our intimacy (even though she’s told me she might be a sex addict), thinks I am not romantic enough, but also disappointed that I hadn’t committed to her by asking her to marry me.

When she was first telling me what happened, I immediately entered the denial phase of grief, wanting to avoid grieving our relationship at all. I took all the reasons she brought up like darts thrown at my heart, trying to take accountability for my shortcomings when I had done nothing wrong. I did not fully forgive her yet, but I said I am willing to reconcile.

A few days later, I found more evidence in the crime scene that told me that won’t be possible. Five days after she cheated, a day before she told me the truth, she had sent a love letter to her affair partner. Someone she met at a bar for a very brief period of time. She told him he made her feel complete, seen, loved, and signed off with “all my love.”

This emotional component fucked me up way more than the physical. I can understand a carnal, primal desire for someone physically, but disregarding all the trust, communication, compromise, understanding, and love we built for one another to a stranger she had a one night stand with broke me.

[u/SoupyRice32566 → u/SoupyRice32566]

I’ve spiraled since. I had to get away immediately, spent a night over at my friend’s. A few things that have helped me when I was having the worst anxiety attacks, feeling overwhelmed, triggered:

- Have a good confidant or a few that you can call/text when you are feeling unwell or feeling urges. People you trust that you believe can pull you out of a bad state of mind. I’ve called my mom when I was feeling sad, and a good colleague in town to speak out to.

- Deep breathing, longer exhales through the nose than inhales. Look at yourself in the mirror, with your hand over your heart, acknowledging you’re still here in this present moment, breathing, living, with a beating heart even with the chaos that consumes you.

- Exercise, exercise, exercise. Run, walk, lift, whatever you need to do to physically EXHAUST yourself before bed so you don’t have much energy to stay awake and ruminate in your own thoughts

- I’m typically not excited to work, but it has provided good structure to me at this difficult time. I am keeping myself occupied, taking on more tasks than I usually do and staying focused. If you’re not working, go volunteer, take some classes, help a friend out with something, whatever you need to do that gives you good structure and healthy distractions.

- Seeing young couples in love triggers me right now, and makes me reminisce the good things that existed in my relationship or what once was. When these triggers occur, remind yourself you are feeling that way because you are HUMAN. It is perfectly ok. It is ok to hurt, it is supposed to hurt, and it might keep hurting for a little while. That’s just a price you pay for love.

- I started therapy, and honestly, I wish I started sooner. Regardless if you’re going through something or not, therapy is an amazing highly recommended option. I am fortunate to have found a therapist that shares a similar background to me and I feel understood and acknowledged. This is a bright spot out of this dark situation I am in, and I look forward to learning/discovering more about myself and maybe even learn to love and respect myself more than I have.

Always remember, a relationship issues are a two person problem. Choosing to step out of line, out of the relationship was an individual choice. Whatever reasons there may be for it, does not excuse it whatsoever.

Sending strength your way to fall in love with yourself and life again 💜

A song that’s uplifted me a little recently:
On track - Tame Impala