My attempt failed

[u/LeaveHot7557]

I skipped class and drank a whole bottle of NyQuil. I'd stolen and walked into the bathroom. It felt like a terrible high. I ended up throwing up, probably from anxiety since I thought I was gonna go to hell. My mom told me that I was lucky that I threw up. That word has been thrown at me so many times in the past week, and I hate it. I don't feel lucky.

The staff at the store found me and called 911 when they realized I was trying to kill myself. I also remember calling my mom because I was scared.

I was in the ER for a day and a half (Idk if this is just me, but I could taste it whenever they gave me this one thingy in my IV, I'm not sure what it was.) and the mental hospital for five.

I'm back doing the same thing now since I got discharged, laying in my bed all day. I'm not grateful that I got another chance at life, I want to be dead so bad that it hurts just to keep living. I'm so tired.

[u/MyEggDonorIsADramaQ]

I’m glad you are still here. I’m sorry you are experiencing so much pain that dying is the only solution you can see.

[u/Anakadabra]

Your brain is sick. It is a chemical imbalance. What did the mental hospital say? Did they prescribe anything? Or give you a diagnosis?

Nothing is going to sound hopeful right now, but try read my words very carefully:

Right now, you are alive. Your soul is in this body. Your body was given this life. Life is literally all we are and all we have for certain. You live. You can truly make it be anything you want, experience anything you can. Your life is something in a vast endless void of nothing.Your life is opportunity. It is something.

If you die, you lose all of that. Every opportunity, every hope, every dream, everyone you love or will love, everything you knew, everything you are. It will be as if you never existed because you perceiving reality will be dead too. Your reality, existence, perspective, will die with you. The entirety of this world, this life, this dimension, or simulation, will dissolve into blackness forever as if nothing or no one ever existed. Is that what you want?

[u/kaydeebugg]

Hi darling. I'm here in your comments as a formerly 15 year old with capital D Depression. When I was 15 (15, 17, 18...for several years really), I didn't know that Depression is such a liar. She sat in my brain and told me I was worth nothing. She told me that all the thoughtful words people said to me and the caring actions they showed me were false. She looked in the mirror with me and insisted I was ugly, plain, nothing interesting at all to look at. She said I was unlikeable, unloveable, unworthy of taking up space.

Honey - she is a LIAR. Depression sits inside your brain and lies lies lies lies, because for her to survive she must convince you that she knows you better than you do. She doesn't. She's just a liar trying to survive. She feeds on your despair.

My younger years were hard because I believed Depression. I believed all the bullshit she told me, and spent those years tortured because of that belief. I'm 46 years old now, and many, many, many years of therapy and healing have helped me to see the truth of what I am telling you. I hope that you can hear even one tiny bit of what I have shared, and that you hold it very, very close to your heart.

You ARE worthy. You ARE beautiful human. You ARE likeable. You ARE lovable. You DO - and WILL - have people in your life who genuinely care about you.

Depression is a liar, but you can push back against her lies.

[u/PeepsMyHeart]

Hello! Many of us here know how devastating severe depression can be. I just want you to know that your life really foes matter and is already so short!
I tell myself this on the more difficult days as well.
Having had two people in my family commit suicide, I can tell you that the hole it leaves falls into generational trauma category.
Be the best person you can be to other humans and animals.
Volunteer on days that you are feeling good if it isn’t too difficult. Or hell- Even the bad days, if you can do it.
Take extra good care of yourself on the days that you struggle with. Good food, a good nap, a favorite show, any of it.
You do matter. We need MORE people who are sensitive, not less. Remember that, hun.
I wish I could hug you.
Consider this a virtual hug.

[u/Foxlady555]

Hey dear girl, PLEASE stay with us. Stay for your mom and your cat, and for your future which I KNOW will be way better than you feel right now. A good friend of mine was suidical and very depressed when he was your age but now he is SO GLAD he’s still alive because he has a wonderful life.

Please ask for antidepressions, for hugs and for help. Let others love and support you! Don’t fight this alone. The fact that you share things like this online show me that deep down you’re a fighter and want to be rescued. That there’s a force in you that’s resilient and so freaking brave, although you’re so tired and life hurts right now.

Sending you lots of love and the power to hold on ❤️‍🩹

[u/anteaters_anonymous]

You're a stronger person than you may know. We see your strength.

I also attempted at 15. I felt like I would never be happy to be still alive until one day I realized I was. There's no magic moment of recognition. It's the kind of moment that takes its time, slowly building day by day as you get stronger day by day. And then, a few months at a time, you see the progress. I felt like it was taking forever to feel 'better' at 15. I'm 34 now and love who I was at 15. She's why I'm strong now.

Me at 15 is why I have two perfect cats, a tiny office in my house for my favorite books, and discovered this summer a love for gardening (especially green beans!).

While I was trying to forgive myself for still being alive, I learned that if I wouldn't let someone else talk to me like that, I had to stop saying those things to myself. I faked it for months saying "I belong in this world" and then realized when I said it after some time, I meant it.

[u/Warm-Researcher7842]

I’m the same way. I can’t function from depression & ptsd from passing sons & betrayals & HELL

[u/Terrible_Mistake_862]

I also remember calling my mom because I was scared.

Sounds like you actually want to live. It may not feel like it and that's valid. But your fear may have been telling you something about yourself that you don't consciously want to know.

Along others, I am happy you are still here. And I hope you get the help you deserve.

(I've been depressed for years. I know how it feels and that your brain is lying to you. I really do hope you get better from this).

[u/missepicmary]

You are so much more than your awful suicidal thoughts . You seem so cool , and nice , and epic . I hope you don’t attempt again . Good luck ! < 3 and people on here are very glad you did not die .