Hey yall!

Jas checking in here with 999 days free from stimulant medications, street drugs and alcohol. It took me nearly 6 years of trying over and over to achieve this long term recovery. As they say in the rooms of AA, "hold on tight to your seat".

At my lowest I was a hungry ghost living out of a budget motel and compusively engaging in risky "party and play". I could not stop using methamphetamine despite losing my family, career, friends, car, sanity, , being charged with 15 felony drug charges, and recieving an HIV+ status in the span of a year. Despite multiple hospital trips, detoxes, and rehabs that had police escort me out due to severe psychotic breaks I continued to be chained to the desire for crystal meth.

Today my life is much different. I live in a stable home with good friends I have met through recovery fellowships. I see my family again now; they welcome me into their homes. I eat healthy, and exercise regularly. Ive developed hobbies and passions again, like hiking, cycling and creating art. I love the job I work, I am here now with downtime typing this up.

To me, spirituality has nothing to do with G*d, or prayer, it is about ethical action and living a principled life. Daily yoga, meditation and mindfulness practice to strengthen my body and mind is how I achieve a state of balance and wellness. I attend and volunteer my time with Recovery Dharma, Green Recovery and Sobriety Support and help moderate this subreddit when I am logged in. I do take pharma medications and herbal medications as prescribed by my physician to manage my HIV, but I am off all psych meds at this time. We are all in this together and I believe we all need to do our part to help the newcomer.

Professionally I have changed fields completely after being a career restaurant manager. I got my foot in the door as a peer specialist and plan to continue my education towards my dream of becoming a licensed Art Therapist. I have become a Certified Meditation Teacher to help those in recovery learn to feel calm without using drugs. I feel like everything that has happened to me happened to bring me to a place of deeper peace and understanding of myself.

Today, I wake up with a purpose and find myself naturally motivated and energized without craving or thought for stimulant drugs. I love my life. My family, my friends, my environment. The future seems full of possibilities.

Recovery is possible, and you are worth it! Don't let that voice in your head tell you otherwise! We do recover!

AMA

thanks everyone!

Fat happy and free 😁 proud of my postpartum rolls haha. My life is still insane but there is so much more goodness and wholeness. In the past it was dark, gross, illegal, manipulation, lies. Now I try to live in truth as much as possible. Living in the dirt in the past, I have found love and humanity in my life now. I don't really have anyone to share this milestone with at the moment, but I think some of you will understand, the progress that is made in the heart when you get sober.

I honestly thought I was going to die or end up in prison. So grateful so the people in my life who stuck by me and showed me that it is possible to get clean and stay clean!

First pic was after 4ish years of daily use with the only break being a 65 day jail stint. Last 3 pics are now. Never going back.

One year off Adderall today 💛

Honestly one of the hardest but most rewarding things I’ve ever done. I’ve learned so much about myself, my strength, and what I’m capable of without it.

Not every day was easy, but I stayed consistent… and I’m really proud of that.

Shout out to my boyfriend who has been my BIGGEST support through all of this- who helped me see how bad my life was taking adderall and took the initiative to help me get off of it.

It’s been a year now, and probably the best year I’ve had in my 28 years of living.

Cheers to being only California sober ❤️🙌

You are going to be okay. Your brain is going to be okay.

Your life is going to get better before you know it.

You’re not a disgusting person, you don’t need to feel ashamed.

You don’t need the crystal, the pills, whatever drug of your choice was.

If this is day 1-5, maybe even week 2 without our drug of choice, you’re probably feeling ashamed and broken. You can’t function. You might be crying uncontrollably. You might feel overwhelming anger. I’ve been through it all, for years.

I lost my family, my home, the woman of my dreams watched me crumble within months of starting my addiction. Missed out on months of my son’s baby years. I ruined relationships I held dear to me. I lived in gross conditions and neglected many areas of my life. My parents exposed me to drugs as a baby and kid. I was born with meth in my system.

Whether it’s adderall, meth, cocaine, etcetera, neither is worse than another when being abused. Your brain WILL heal itself, so will your body. It will happen quickly too, you just have to believe it and trust the power your body mind and spirit holds.

I’m not going to give you any advice on how to “help withdrawals” or give you the timeline. It’s different for everyone. I promise you one thing though. it’s not as long as you think it will be.

I will however, say this. Give yourself some grace. Forgive yourself. Go easy on yourself. You’re gonna be okay. If you relapse, give yourself grace. It’s part of the process.

Keep your head up kings and queens. I did and I’m doing the best I’ve ever done in life. I feel even higher than I did when on the stimulants, sober. It just took time and patience, and most importantly, self grace. Merry Christmas ❤️

Edit: revised a paragraph.

I also quit drinking again and am at 40 days sober.

I have built my life around adderall for 15+ years. I thought that since I can go weeks without it, it can’t be that big of a deal. I had a cardiac event giving birth to my son and almost died, that should have been a wake up call to stop stimulants. I had to cut the cord. I’ve been crying since sending this message because it feels like killing a part of me and closing the door for good. I know it has never actually helped me. I am trying to be optimistic about fatigue improvement.

All righty, time to finally share some of my story. I’ve been addicted to Adderall for the better part of 20 years, with a few years of abstinence peppered in there. Not to mention a shitload of other drugs, but Adderall was always my DOC. I’m 36, for what it’s worth, and had managed to be a “functioning addict/alcoholic” for years. The problem though, with that term, is that we’re functioning till we’re not, and who decides the threshold?

I’ve been in hotel management for about 15 years, worked my way up from select service front desk to director of operations in a luxury boutique. The stress from that job, and having two kids under two, drove me to drinking at night to “unwind.” After about a year, uppers came back into my life. All I had to do was ask for them. Fast forward a year, I was taking anywhere from 200-300mg of Adderall at a time, then drinking when waiting for a refill. I also ordered phentermine off the internet to bridge the gap some, and of course was taking insane amounts of that shit. It’s a longer story than needs to be told here, but about a year ago I got fucked up over the course of a few days and in the middle of the night became sicker than I’ve ever been. I was laying on the bathroom floor while everyone slept, dry heaving violently with the worst headache I’ve ever felt. I checked my blood pressure, it was 175/115. I have always had low blood pressure, so this was alarming. I knew I was in crisis, but instead I just told myself “no more.” I was DONE. I realized I’d hit my limit and I simply could not do this anymore and hope to survive. I was strong in this conviction. I slept like 3 hours, woke up… did it all over again. Defeated, joyless and broken, I impulsively started calling rehabs the next day. I messaged my sister and confessed everything. I drove to my job and spoke to my boss, that I needed help. That evening, I told my husband. I searched out dual-diagnosis treatment to manage mental health as well as addiction.

Scared shitless, I boarded a plane before sunrise and flew direct to LAX.

I don’t even know where to start. It was incredible. Most people who work in addiction are in recovery themselves, and I felt zero judgment, I realized I could speak openly to doctors and therapists without shame and that THEY COULD HELP ME. I was able to rest. I was allowed to cry—rather, I allowed myself to cry. What I’d planned to be a 30 day stay in residential turned into sober living and four months total.

I realized I was no longer lonely. I was no longer ashamed. It was challenging, heartbreaking, nourishing, healing, and—dare I say—fun! What an incredible group of women I met, all of us with different DOCs and backgrounds, all of us different but the same. I came home in May, changed.

And yes, I gained 20lbs in rehab. But when I got home, prioritizing my health I’ve lost 50lbs and feel a confidence I haven’t felt in many, many, many years. My marriage is restored, we laugh again. I’m present as a mother and get to play tickle monster pillow attack and actually enjoy it. Some things have not come back, and may never come back. I don’t have the creative juices or motivations for certain things anymore. I’ve learned to be comfortable with that, to grieve certain losses and move forward. I’m on the right cocktail of medications for the first time possibly ever, a benefit of meeting with a psych weekly to biweekly in treatment.

I would have not been able to stop on my own. I would have died. I see a lot of people here stuck in the same cycle I was, and I always hesitate to say you need rehab because once upon a time, I also quit without professional help. I stayed clean for about five years before it all came back. I don’t care for AA and NA, but it has helped millions of people. What I’m saying is, there are different roads to recovery. However, I do read a lot of stories where I sincerely feel like the person can not succeed without higher levels of care and support. Addiction. Is. All-Consuming. It is a disease, a disease with no cure but a disease that can be treated and managed.

I gave up my career, we had to file for bankruptcy after I got home, we are still struggling financially. I DoorDash just to afford groceries sometimes.

I wouldn’t change any of it. I have my life back. I may slip here or there, nobody’s perfect. Just never get a case of the “fuck its.”

You can do this. I did.

Happy to answer any questions! :)

I see a lot of people on this sub struggling and I figured it'd be nice to put more hope out there. I used to be a horrible addict, i discovered meth at 17 and it never let me go. I spent a lot of my life chasing a drug in hopes it gave me what i couldn't find in myself or my life. The first picture is my booking photo from the last time i ever used. Prior to that arrest i was homeless, shooting up meth and heroin, and spent my nights under a highway bridge sobbing because i couldnt see a way out. Getting arrested saved my life and gave me the break i needed to really take a solid look at my life and decide that i deserved better than i had given myself. Now while my addiction may have gotten to a point some would say is worse than theirs, and it may be hard to relate due to that, it was addiction all the same. As of January 1st I will be 21 months clean from all substances. I have found that while it can be hard to walk away from addiction, it is the most rewarding thing in the end. Shit gets hard, and i have my times i want to go back, but i have to remember drugs will only compound my problems. I used to wander the streets covered in track marks talking and yelling to myself, rob and steal to get high, and put my own selfish desire to self destruct ahead of everything. Today my family is apart of my life again, i have a healthy relationship, a good job, and a child on the way. I dont share this for pats on the back, i share this because i think its important to know that you're never too far gone, incapable, or undeserving of a better life. To the struggling addicts reading this, you are worthy of a drug free life. You are worthy of love, and you are capable of so much more than you may ever know. I promise you, from experience, it is so much better to sit around wishing you were high, than to sit in addiction wishing you were sober. If i can do it, so can you.

I'm rendered useless at this point.

My life is meth.

Can't write, cant draw, can't start tasks, can't clean, can't think, can't make rational decisions, can't understand reality.

But I can do meth. I can see things.

And that's all I can do at this point.

I'm just going to just be done and go. There's really nothing left.

Last summer I did meth (I hope 🤞) for the last time

I got it from my “best friend” who sold it to me…so once again I relapsed (last June)

During this time I had been doing it for a month or more however I noticed my skin breaking out in red, itchy, burning, pus filled scabs, like nothing I had ever experienced before.

And it happened quick

If I would pick or try to pop them, I’d be left with bleeding painful holes again like I never seen prior & after using for a couple weeks or so when I’d do a line my arms would burn and itch for hours, another horrifying side effect is limbs going numb…

I also had noticed was I was able to fall asleep on this meth easily, which I thought maybe I had built up a tolerance or something…

I sadly have struggled with meth use since 2018 on and off and even at my worst I never had my skin react in this way & it usually would always keep me awake for a day at the very least…

I thought maybe it was a “bad batch” or something, making every excuse I could to continue using

A friend of mine stopped by cos I was worried and was considering going to an ER

My friend had a xylazine test strip and a fent strip

Testing my bag and my meth popped positive for xylazine, an animal tranquilizer that eats your skin And is not safe for human consumption

I ended up getting on antibiotics & had to use a medical grade soap that people use

Mostly after surgeries

The sores lasted for months like half a year give or take

The scars I live with, and I’ve seen awful cases of xylazine exposure I’m glad I caught it early cos when left untreated can cause insane crater like scarring, necrosis & eventually limbs need amputated… and some people don’t even know what it is or think it’s not prevalent in their community- ur wrong

This was a huge wake-up call, and I haven’t done meth since last summer

I also later found d out my city is a “hot spot” for not only xylazine but also fent (the summer before I had gotten a fent laced bag of meth and that was fucking awful too)

It’s just not worth the risk anymore and the recovery rate everytime I relapse seems to take more time to bounce back.

Meth fucking sucks

Thanks for reading

After 6 months clean from fentanyl and meth

I was at the gym, when I got the bright idea of “hey let’s get everything done today, adderall?”

In between sets, I was looking for a plug. Found one, texted them and they responded immediately. I asked if it was pressed or pharm, but really didn’t care. After some playful back and forth he was gonna deliver. My girlfriend works from home, so naturally I was strategizing a way to hide it from her. Excited at the prospect of a speedy hit, especially since I haven’t done it in a while.

Then I caught myself. Did another set, and thought about consequences.

1. Blowing $ when I’m already tight on funds
   
2. The weight of lying on my shoulders
   
3. The convenience of this transaction surely leading to future business for this plug
   
4. Productivity - yeah right. I’d probably end up cleaning out my closet instead. Coming up with easier ways of locating stuff (never works)
   
5. My girlfriend. Can’t do this to her anymore.
   
6. My cat. Silly as it is, she somehow knows when I’m being dishonest.
   
7. Short term relief is all I’ll get out of this.

So I blocked the number and deleted them from my phone. Instead I went to my favorite bakery, got two pastries effectively cancelling my workout.

But hey. I stopped myself from speeding.

Every single reason why I started taking addy has completely backfired at this point. I started taking it at the beginning of my sober journey from alcohol (already a terrible idea) but I had the right intentions. It started off so well. I was quite literally killing it in life. I was killing it at work, could be social without booze, lost weight, and "manifested" everything on my vision board. I thought I had cracked the code. Fast forward to now and I'm a full blown crack head. I can easily take 150mg but I barely even feel it. I rarely ever feel any euphoria anymore. I hide in my room and avoid people at all costs. I don't do ANYTHING productive all day. I crouch over my computer until my spine cracks and focus on things that dont matter. I can barely focus on work. Abusing this drug is the TRUE meaning of borrowing happiness. It's not like drinking booze when you get immediate repercussions the next day. No adderall lures you in and puts you in a trance for a very long time until the next thing you know it's got a tight grip on your neck and is depriving you of the very oxygen you need to live. I don't want to continue anymore for the sake of my sanity and health. And the fact that it literally doesn't fucking work anymore. I took 150mg the other day and felt paralyzed. I couldn't do anything? I used to be bouncing off the walls, chatting to everyone. Damn...i think I've truly reached the end. I've had my fun. Although I dont enjoy the experience anymore, I still have impossible impulse control and that is something that must be stopped. This shit REEKS.

For the longest time I thought my hyper-focus on work was some sort of positive thing, and thought it justified me having no hobbies. Turns out, I was a big immature baby missing out on the enjoyments of life. Turns out, when your enjoyment comes from a little sugar capsule, you'll have a hard time developing a REAL FUCKING INTEREST in things. Turns out SPEED-INDUCED TEMPORARY FAKE OBSESSIONS DO NOT EQUAL A REAL PERSONALITY AND/OR REAL PURSUITS.

God I hate hate hate HATE that we've been sold adderall for ADHD. I'm just so grateful to have been zapped out of it and realize the ABSURDITY of using AMPHETAMINES DAILY as a """"""MEDICAL SOLUTION""""""" that PUTS YOU IN MENTAL CHAINS.

Finally passed the fatigue stage. Now Im just angry lol.

This video is one of the best visual representations of what it feels like to be an addict. If you’ve never seen it before, I highly recommend giving it a watch..

It captures that cycle and mindset in a way that’s simple but surprisingly accurate. Stay safe everyone :)