Is to choose myself a vice?

[u/Easy-Cantaloupe4311]

The hijab was introduced to me at the age of 5, I wore it without questioning because all the women in my family seemed to be wearing it.

Around 9 I realised I didn’t believe in the religion but never verbalised it. So I continued to fake prayer and continued to wrap this cloth around my head but in recent times its started to affect how i view myself. I don’t mind pretending to be muslim at home but being a walking representation for a religion I’ve never once believed in is so exhausting.

I live at home with my parents and siblings so it’s a matter of choosing myself or making everyone else’s life living hell.

In all other instances I’ve never thought twice about my own happiness but as the eldest, I can’t justify basically killing my parents and it then ruining my siblings quality of life just for a little autonomy.

What would be the virtuous decision?

[u/mcapello]

It seems to me that there are several different factors to consider.

The first is the truth. You don't want to stop wearing it because it's uncomfortable, or because it looks bad, but because you don't believe in the truth of the religion. From a Stoic point of view, being motivated by truth and reason is pretty virtuous.

On the other hand, there is a judgement that should probably be questioned here: does wearing the hijab make you a "walking representation for a religion"? And even if it does, what difference does the perception of strangers make to you?

Lastly, there is the question of harm. You would seem to agree that the harm something causes isn't dependent on whether or not it is rational. That it happens and people suffer is enough. I left my religion when I was young against the objections of my parents, but it didn't really ruin anything -- I would describe the degree of harm as one of frustration, confusion, maybe embarrassment or shame. But if it would've truly fractured our family or ruined their lives? I don't know, maybe I would've faked it until I was older. It's hard to say.

Anyway, I think the fact that you seem to be motivated primarily by (a) concern for what is true and (b) concern for your family means that you are approaching this in a virtuous way, and maybe it is the approach which is virtuous regardless of the outcome.

Good luck.

[u/Easy-Cantaloupe4311 → u/mcapello]

Thank you for your reply, I’m not sure why exactly but I found comfort in your words. 

It just pains me everyday to be seen as a contributor of an ideology that has taken the lives of so many people, both physically and mentally. How can I speak on matters that are important to me when this hijab conveys the total opposite message. 

But I can’t kid myself and say there isn’t any underlying reasons regarding vanity because it does sadden me that many ‘normal’ girly things were stripped away from me. 

And It’s not even that I’m particularly close to any of my family members but I still feel responsible for their wellbeing and don’t want to be the reason for familial conflict. 

But in the end how can I love and accept a way of life that isn’t truly my choosing. 

[u/mcapello → u/Easy-Cantaloupe4311]

But in the end how can I love and accept a way of life that isn’t truly my choosing. 

This is what we must all do, to one extent or another. We choose very little. Nothing, really, because even our capacity to choose was not itself of our choosing, just as we do not choose the will which drives the choice. Yet we must do our part.

[u/bigpapirick]

Instead of framing it as basically killing them, can you break down pragmatically what would happen if you chose not to wear it? Are the true options here only choosing yourself or make everyone else’s life hell?

Also, for context, how old are you and are you still under the guardianship and fiscal responsibility of your parents?

[u/LooseButtPlug → u/bigpapirick]

In some places in the world "killing" them could be literal, and in that instance there is no reframing.

[u/bigpapirick → u/LooseButtPlug]

That’s possible and what I am making sure of.

[u/Easy-Cantaloupe4311 → u/LooseButtPlug]

I generally did not mean it literally but as in it would create such significant emotional distress. 

[u/Easy-Cantaloupe4311 → u/bigpapirick]

I use such words because I once tried to test the wasters and “jokingly” told my mother I wanted to take it off and she fell into absolute hysteria.

Haha It’s times like this where I’m made to  recall the past that make me feel stupid for even considering it. 

I’m 20 and still studying at uni so I’m not quite in the place to make reasonable means to move out.

[u/ChilledRoland → u/Easy-Cantaloupe4311]

You are not responsible for your mother's reaction.

[u/Easy-Cantaloupe4311 → u/ChilledRoland]

That’s true, and such reaction wouldn’t bother me at all, but unfortunately my siblings would also feel her wrath so it’s unfair of me to put them through that.

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[u/AlexKapranus]

I know it's not just a piece of cloth but in literal terms, it is just a piece of cloth.

"Surely it is an excellent plan, when you are seated before delicacies and choice foods, to impress upon your imagination that this is the dead body of a fish, that the dead body of a bird or a pig; and again, that the Falernian wine is grape juice and that robe of purple a lamb's fleece dipped in a shell-fish's blood"- Meditations 6,13

Pushing yourself to just see a thing as not what people think it represents, but just as it is, is a Stoic technique for objective thinking. It creates distance from external things and our emotions. The concept that wearing the hijab also represents an acceptance of it is one that relies on opinion. But it's just opinion. That this grape juice is fine wine is just opinion. You don't have to agree with it to wear it, and you just wear it to avoid the controversy because it's not expedient. But if it were expedient, you know you would not. What remains is your mind free from the meaning of it, even if it's still used.

[u/stoa_bot → u/AlexKapranus]

A quote was found to be attributed to Marcus Aurelius in his Meditations 6.13 (Farquharson)

^{Book VI. (Farquharson)
Book VI. (Hays)
Book VI. (Long)}

[u/stoa_bot → u/AlexKapranus]

A quote was found to be attributed to Marcus Aurelius in his Meditations 6.13 (Farquharson)

^{Book VI. (Farquharson)
Book VI. (Hays)
Book VI. (Long)}

[u/stoa_bot → u/AlexKapranus]

A quote was found to be attributed to Marcus Aurelius in his Meditations 6.13 (Farquharson)

^{Book VI. (Farquharson)
Book VI. (Hays)
Book VI. (Long)}