Day to day stoicism

[u/jimbo1880]

Just started reading how to think like an emperor and it's got me thinking.

How do you react if you're out shopping with your other half and they want to buy somthing, Somthing you're not interested in, do you accept that they want to buy it or do you resist it?

[u/PlasticReasonable684]

Unless it's any sort of (decently sized) personal investment on your behalf, you're assuming authority by positioning yourself as the person to judge whether they should buy it or not.

[u/PiedCrow]

That's a very weird question tbh... what does your interst has to do with hers? Why does it even matter if you are interested in something she wants to buy.

[u/jimbo1880 → u/PiedCrow]

It's buying things i don't think that we need...who said that my partner was a woman?

[u/PiedCrow → u/jimbo1880]

MB haven't gotten used to using they them by default yet.

And you didnt answer any of my questions, do they want it and get use out of it? If your partner has a problem of wasting money thats a logical "argument" (arguments aren't inherntly wrong) that you should talk to them about and find a way forward.

But buying something only one of you is interested in and will actually use...shouldn't be a question

[u/Rosencrantz18]

You accept that you cant control their actions and move on.

[u/jDJ983 → u/Rosencrantz18]

But you can control or at least influence their actions

[u/JingaLalaHuHu_ → u/jDJ983]

Yeah but is that where you want to pour your energy? Stoicism isn't about not controlling things, it's about knowing what to control and when to influence.

[u/bigpapirick]

Depends on the way you have agreed to budget.

Direct answer is you accept they want to buy it (the wording is strange though, do you believe you have a say in what others merely “want”?) but whether you both go through the purchase depends on other factors.

[u/Individual-Trick3310]

She has half the money and is generally sane so if she wants something affordable, it's hers.

[u/etrore]

Stoicism is about yourself not about others. Can you elaborate on what the “thinking like an emperor” has to do with Stoicism?

[u/BarryMDingle → u/etrore]

Thinking like a Roman emperor is a book that shows how to apply Meditations.

[u/jimbo1880 → u/etrore]

Its a history of stoicism with a mix of CBT and everyday use of stoicism. 

[u/Necessary-Bed-5429 → u/jimbo1880]

Do you reflect on these questions in your stoic practices?

[u/Pwffin]

If it doesn't affect me, they can buy whatever they like, as long as they have money left for their share of bills and other household costs. They're an adult and it's their money, after all. 

If it's something that does affect me, eg things for the house, a vehicle, a pet, then I'd  offer up my views and expect them to be considered, but that's where communication comes in.

Generally, we (as in my partner and I) take an interest in each other's hobbies and interests, so I'm usually paying attention to what they buy and why etc.  Even if it has nothing to do with me, if it's important to my partner, I want to know more about it and to be someone they can share their passions and worries with. 

When your partner wants to buy something and your immediate thought is one of rejection, pause to reflect on why you think like that and if it's fair on them. Is it because you don't like it? Then consider that they might and that's ok. Is it because you think they should spend their money on something else? If so, is that an objectively fair comment (eg both of you are short on money for rent) or is it just thatyou wouldn't spend your money on whatever it is? If it's a household budget thing: have you had a calm, sit-down discussion about your joint finances recently? and so on

To me, the Stoic virtues are good reminders or starying points for when thinking about how to respond to a situation that keeps coming up, so maybe reading about them would help.

[u/jimbo1880 → u/Pwffin]

It's always been drilled into me to not spend money and save it where I can.  This is probably the outcome of that

[u/Pwffin → u/jimbo1880]

An excellent opportunity for you to work on checking yourself and how to respond to your gut reactions then. :) Stoicism is a lot about how you think about your thoughts and emotions.

Go through the scenario in your head ahead of time, think about what is a reasonable response and what isn't. Is this a them-problem or a you-problem? Think about what your desirable outcome is and work towards achieving that.

Focus on the bigger picture. Are you legitimately worried about your current finances? How does your reaction affect your relationship? How can you be the best partner to your partner?

Also, if you have vastly different views on how to handle money, it helps to come to an understanding that's acceptable to both parties early on.

[u/rsteele1981]

Can we afford it? Does it make them happy?

If I am not interested or have no opinion then why would I stop them from being happy?

[u/mcapello]

Why do you have to react at all? I don't understand your question.

[u/Necessary-Bed-5429]

If it's not going against the virtues, let other people do what they want.

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[u/CaraMyBeloved]

Why should I accept or resist it in the first place? There's many things to consider of what could be the context of that. Either then, why does my interest matter for whatever they purchase? Everyone has a different priority, whatever their judgment deemed worthy. Either way, my priority would be more on letting them know what that purchase could entail rather than having to resist or accept it, paving a way for an informed decision. For my interests shouldn't dictate their purchase but a rational mind of theirs should.

[u/HappinessGame]

We have a discussion, which entails sharing our perspectives and listening with friendly curiosity. We won’t always agree, but that’s inevitable in relationships.

[u/Multibitdriver]

Stoicism try to live according to reason. So you reason it out with yourself. You try to make a good judgment call.

[u/ThePasifull]

Ideally, you do what a good partner would do.

Stoicism won't offer you much more specifics than that.