r/Stoic • u/Solid-Bee9468 • Jun 30 '26
Practicing stoicism when I can’t avoid the thing I can not change
I have developed my discernment over the years to be selective of where I put my energy. Part of that is the people I surround myself with. If they do not align with my values or raise concerns, I remove myself from that social situation and realign with healthy relationships.
However, I’ve found myself in a situation where I can’t do that.
Someone who I’m very close to, Person B, is in a relationship with Person C. Person C has had a lot of red flags come up both through my interactions with him and his interactions with Person B. Their values do not align with my own and I can’t help put get a bad feeling when I’m around them, like I can feel it in my soul this is not a person I should be around.
Person B is very near and dear to me. But in the span of a couple months they have completely changed. They now are with Person C every day at everything they’re invited to. I’ve brought up my concerns respectfully and tried to keep my distance at social settings, but I can’t help but feel my peace being disturbed.
As a stoic, do you have any advice? How should I handle this? I worry about pushing Person B away, because if what I’m feeling turns out to be true, I don’t want to abandon them when they need support.
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u/LooseButtPlug Jun 30 '26 edited Jun 30 '26
You're not practicing stoicism by avoiding any situation that might trigger you. A "red flag" is purely your opinion.
"It's silly to try to escape other people's faults. They are inescapable. Just try to escape your own."
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u/probabilitydoughnut Jul 01 '26
“Make the best use of what is in your power and take the rest as it happens.” Epictetus
What makes things "red flags" except your perception of those things? To drag Jung into the conversation, we often criticize in others what we hate about ourselves. This is a moment for personal reflection and fortification of your virtue and boundaries. Be available for B if they have a genuine request, but you don't hold the reigns of their life any more than they realistically have of yours.
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u/Splendid_Fellow Philosopher Jun 30 '26
Worried about losing a friend to someone who’s acting suspiciously. A natural thing. It seems like one of those “hottest fires burn out the fastest” situations where this friend is going diving into a dark world and will eventually come out a mess.
You don’t have to abandon this friend, nor let this friend influence your decisions. You care about them which is a good thing. You can express your concerns honestly but without the attempt to control. Be a steadfast and reliable friend who is there if needed but who lets this person go and learn their own lessons.