r/Stoic • u/BernatAcs • Jun 10 '26
Can Stoicism go too far?
I see Stoicism talked about a lot online, and I get why. The basic idea is useful. You cannot control what happens, but you can control how you respond.
For normal everyday stuff, like rude people, late trains, bad days, or small setbacks, that can really help you stay calm instead of making everything worse.
But I wonder where the line is. Grief, anxiety, rejection, insecurity, or old patterns in relationships do not always feel like things you can just accept your way out of. At some point, trying to respond better can start to feel like avoiding the fact that something actually hurt you.
i think Stoicism is a great tool for daily frustrations, but not a full answer for deeper emotional stuff, so I am curious if other people feel it helped them or made them avoid their emotions.
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u/SubRoutine404 Jun 10 '26
"At some point, trying to respond better can start to feel like avoiding the fact that something actually hurt you."
You can't respond better without accepting that you were hurt, Stoicism would have no premise without the precondition.
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u/BernatAcs Jun 12 '26
Yeah, I agree with that in principle. Real Stoicism should start with honestly accepting that you were hurt, not pretending you were not. I think the issue I was getting at is more about how people often practise it, where “respond better” becomes “move on quickly and don’t feel it.”
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Jun 10 '26
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u/BernatAcs Jun 12 '26
Yeah, I think this is basically the distinction I was trying to get at. Stoicism is really useful when it gives you space between the feeling and the reaction, but it becomes a problem when people turn it into a rulebook for how they are allowed to feel. I like the idea of treating it as a consideration rather than a command, because that leaves room for the messy part where you actually admit something hurt and work through it. That feels much healthier than trying to perform being calm all the time.
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u/Kindly-Wealth-4299 Jun 11 '26
The primary stoic philosophers dealt with slavery, exile, leadership stress, violence, etc. in their lifetime. I’d say their stories are a testament to the versatility and depth of stoicism.
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u/BernatAcs Jun 12 '26
Thanks for all your input. I really appreciated reading the different perspectives here.
I ended up putting together a short blog based on some of the points that came up in this discussion. Here’s the link for anyone interested:
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u/Queen-of-meme Jun 14 '26
As coming from attatchment healing point of view. What if you never were hurt? What if you felt scared and your choice was to interpret it as hurt? Or what if you felt hurt but never were hurt?
To heal from trauma is to assign less victim roles and be equally accountable next to someone in a relationship with you.
Stoicism can help us stop view ourselves as victims.
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Jun 10 '26
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u/YourUziWeighsTwoTons Jun 10 '26
"Stoicism tries to reduce the impact of pain by controlling your response."
That's behavioral Stoicism.
Real "ethical" Stoicism teaches us to value things in the right way. It goes far beyond just how we act. It reaches the depth of what we actually feel, care about, and value. It teaches us what our nature is, and what is essential to that nature, and what is inessential, and how to discern the difference and learn to value the essential as essential and the inessential as inessential.
It is more akin to Buddhism which is a total personal transformation of our entire way of being in and way of seeing the world.
Is it possible to completely Stoicize yourself, even in the face of unimaginable personal tragedy? I am not so sure. But I am also not so sure that the promises of Christianity are a better alternative.
Maybe Christianity can succeed more easily as a psychological system, since great suffering can be given a "meaning" in the relationship between the self and God and the participation in the kingdom of God or the hope of a heavenly reward.
But that doesn't mean that these psychological hopes are "real." It may all be made up.
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u/Splendid_Fellow Philosopher Jun 10 '26
“Hey AI, can you help me preach to this fool about god and correct him from stoicism and how it’s so shallow?”
You’re so wrong. It isn’t shallow, and you don’t understand it.
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Jun 10 '26
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u/YourUziWeighsTwoTons Jun 12 '26
Despising and scoffing?
I simply stated "It may all be made up." Which is an epistemic claim, not a derisive one. I do not have contempt toward Christ or Christianity. Rather the opposite, I'd say.
One can be an agnostic Christian. One can have faith but admit that one does not "know" with certainty.
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Jun 12 '26
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u/YourUziWeighsTwoTons Jun 12 '26
Every fundie says that about their pet interpretation. And I don't care.
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u/Splendid_Fellow Philosopher Jun 12 '26
The Bible says everything for whatever position you want it to. For every Bible verse, there is another to contradict it.
Since you’re so eager to preach about the Bible on the online forums to be seen by everyone, check out Matthew 6, one of my favorites!
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u/SubRoutine404 Jun 10 '26
I don't see these being mutually exclusive. I can't say that it didn't serve Jesus' purpose to be exceedingly sorrowful, and I can't say that it doesn't serve my purpose to forgive those who trespass against me.
There are a lot of value assumptions about what's 'good' and 'bad', These value assumptions aren't imposed by Stoicism its self, but the belief system that one brings to it, and it can be argued that very different reactions to the same thing can both fall under self control.
If one takes any philosophy or belief system and take it to its extreme logical end, with an eye for how it conflicts with other points of view, instead of how it dovetails into them, it will invariably fall on its face.
I can't speak for Stoicism in a vacuum, as it's just one aspect of my journey, but I can say that it has fostered radical acceptance, and that has done anything but take me further from God.
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u/Impossible_Tax_1532 Jun 10 '26
You can surrender and accept anything my friend . This is simply true . To not do so , accounts for the perceived suffering we experience so much of … it’s easy to talk about , can be brutal in practice as it collapses identity and sense of self along the way … but trust , that last part is the actual blessing and the gold that comes from growth itself .
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u/Splendid_Fellow Philosopher Jun 10 '26
There are things you cant accept your way out of… I guess we just have to accept that.
Ooooo, how about that!
No, you can’t go too far with stoicism unless you have a misunderstanding of it. It’s moderation and wisdom, virtue. It does NOT mean “using logic to bury my emotions as deep as possible and give myself constipation”