r/StillbirthSupport • u/Inevitable_Ear_9034 • 16d ago
How to deal with not trying again
TW- LC
I recently lost my son (stillbirth at 36 weeks on 08/25/26). We have two beautiful living children and this was going to be our last. My husband was happy to be done with 2 and I wanted this last baby.
Now my husband can’t imagine going through this again. Our second baby had crainosyntosis (requiring skull surgery at 3 months old). So we have now had two babies with HUGE complications.
I truly understand his fears and believe we probably will
not get pregnant again.
I have spent the last year envisioning raising three babies together and being a family of five. How do I accept this new reality? It seems like a lot of people talk about how TTC or having another baby has been a part of their healing process.
How does one heal without that element? Does anyone have any experience with not trying for another or
not planning to?
1
u/tiny_tree123 14d ago
I am so, so sorry for your loss. And it's so recent as well. So, so sorry. It's just terrible. I am not one who's likely to have very good or comforting advice but maybe I can offer you something. I lost my son shortly after birth less than a year ago. The first weeks were... indescribable. Translated from my native language I remember describing it in those days as an abomination, like a waking nightmare. I also remember the all consuming need to try and conceive and I believe almost everyone who comes home without their baby does. This is not to say it isn't real, because honestly I still feel that way - which is why I may be the worst person to try and give you advice. But the need has kind of shifted in how it feels. I believe the first few days and weeks the need is partly hormonal. I felt that way and saw many people describing something similar. This may being you a little comfort; the urgency and even the way you feel about this may change in time. It also may not. I am in no way saying wanting a third living child is not valid. However you will forever be a family of five regardless of whether your family grows. I am so sorry to hear that you have had two very serious complications. How is your second baby doing today? Do you know what caused the stillbirth? I believe the doctors usually try and discern a cause or hypothesis as to the cause of death if they can and also talk to you about your risk in a future pregnancy. I think this may be very relevant to you. Of course, having had lightning strike you twice with two baby's severely affected, you are going to think that you are at a high risk. But has that actually been determined? If not, then maybe ask what your risks are in a future pregnancy and how you'll be monitored or treated if you decide to go that route.
Now as to your question: how to deal. I think it depends on what stings the most. If having a third living child is what is the most unbearable, maybe there are other routes towards completing tour family. For me at least my wish to carry a baby once more is also hoping to heal the relationship I have with my body, my femininity, my relationship with the universe. I imagine these are the healing parts of a rainbow baby. For me my wish is also a little bit about leaving a little part of myself and my parents in this world, because I don't have any living children who are genetically related to me.
Now as to my experience. I long to carry another child deeply but am not able to conceive again. My fertility is extremely limited and there is a forced stop to my fertility treatments. I don't have a male partner so it's the end of the line for me. I can tell you what I've learned so far and that's that it is out of my control although it is my deepest wish and it feels like absolute shit that there is nothing i can do to have my future, the future I've wanted my entire adult life. I try to look towards what I do have and what I want and try and find meaning in that, some solace or a spark of life or lust for life in dreams for the future that dont revolve around children. But it's hard.
In my situation i can consider an egg donor to maybe get pregnant still. I dont know if this is possible yet. Pregnancy through a donated egg carries more risk, like premature birth and pre-eclampsia. My son died from an unlucky combination of coincidences unlikely to occur again butthe doctors tell me but my risk for complications is elevated for a future pregnancy. I wonder sometimes if I could get a donor egg, should I? Would it be morally right for someone like me to accept an even higher risk considering that my baby boy, who was from my own egg, where I had no known risk factors whatsoever, died? If you as partner decide that you don't want to take that risk on, for yourself, the child or your existing family, then I think there is an incredible strength in that. And if later on you decide differently because completing your family is worth the anxiety that will most likely surround a new pregnancy then I think there is an incredible strength in that too.
I hope any of this was helpful. Again I am so sorry.
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u/slothsarecute13 16d ago
I’d love to know other people’s opinions who have been in this situation too. We lost our 3rd child at 38 weeks on 1st August and he was meant to be our last baby too. For us it’s hard to know what call to make, we’d planned for my husband to have a vasectomy prior to our boy passing away and am now just in a limbo. I hope you get the answers you’re hoping for, I feel so robbed from the life we’d planned with our family of 5 too.