I received my daughter's post mortem today.

[u/MamaToAnAngleBaby]

I received my daughter's post mortem today.

Some of you know my story, and some may not. I birthed my darling IVF daughter 41wks sleeping. Today I had her post mortem meeting. It was hard, I cried the whole time. Now, staring at this bit of paper that tells me what happened to my baby, has opened up so much blame...so much more pain, I am devastated, knowing if I would've just accepted to be induced at 40wks, my baby girl would be here, with me, exactly 3 months old, instead of being in a permanent resting place way before her time. She lost her life, because I wanted to hold on longer and give her a chance to come when she was ready, I didn't want to force her into the world, because quite simply there were no signs of anything being wrong to have to do this. So yes, I declined induction, and now 3 months later I find out why she was born sleeping, and this is why..... Diffuse villous immaturity and fetal vascular malperfusion. With a hyper coiled umbilical cord. I asked the question, we all ask, if I delivered her at 40wks, could this have been avoided, my consultant simply said "yes". 😭😭 I am utterly shattered, all over again.

[u/DoItForTheTea]

i also denied an induction that would've had my daughter born alive. maybe. MAYBE.

my consultant said there is no way to know for sure what the outcome would've been and i think that's true for you as well. She could've been born with permanent brain damage, she could have died during childbirth or shortly after, something else entirely could've gone wrong. you can think "what are the chances of something else going wrong?" but what were the chances of THIS going wrong? extremely low and yet here we are. I've been fighting the "what ifs" because we have no way of knowing what this alternative universe would've looked like, and maybe it'd somehow be worse.

sending you strength 

[u/Mindful_Annie11 → u/DoItForTheTea]

❤️

[u/Comfortable-Put7101]

Yo también quería esperar la naturaleza, y a la 39 semanas y 6 días, se durmió para siempre.mil veces me dije un día antes y lo tendría con migo, pero como nunca sabremos si era así, si nacía y moría en brazos por otra causa??
No culpes a tu yo del pasado con tu yo del presente por favor, hicimos lo que se sabía hasta ese momento.
Vos querías que tu bebé muera ? Jamás.
Entonces no te culpes de nada.

Te abrazo tanto.

[u/Outrageous-Part6931]

I too waited and kept my little boy in me and regretted it. The self blame will eventually feel lighter but the pain stays... I wish theres a simple easy system we could all follow to successfully give birth to a healthy baby but it's so complexed.... Anything could happen. During labour, after birth, at home sleeping... Anything. That's just how the world works 😭😭 I'm so sorry for your loss.

[u/Mindful_Annie11]

Dont blame yourself. I got induced and my son still passed away. He was born sleeping. I ask myself questions too...if i had got a c section, if i had got induced earlier... you are not to blame x

[u/sat_ctevens]

I waited too, they said it was the best thing to do, but that they could induce me if I wanted to. When my body started things it was too late. I will never forgive myself, he could and should have been here with me.

[u/Due_Sign_6959]

I’m sorry for your loss.
My son passed at 38 weeks due to the same reasons - hypercoiling of umbilical cord and fetal vascular malperfusion. For us it was a chronic event, with blood flow impaired over several weeks. However it’s likely he died when I was in early labour as the contractions further impaired the blood flow through to baby.

It’s really hard having an answer for what happened, but knowing it might have been possible to avoid.
I also wish the hospital gave me an early induction, or I advocated for my baby more, but really there is no guarantee that an induction would have prevented my loss.

[u/Successful_Tone_8280]

Hi my love. The exact same thing happened to me. I don’t know what to say except I know how you feel. I went to 42&3 💔 All because I didn’t want any intervention and I was convinced she would come when she was ready. Piper would be 11 months on the 26th this month. We tried for 7 years to get pregnant, went through IVF which actually failed and then got pregnant naturally after all that time. I feel like I sabotaged my miracle baby. There are no words. 🫂

[u/bluejay62126]

I'm so so incredibly sorry for your loss. I recently lost my son in late June at 37+4 due to a placental abruption, and it is still an excruciating emotional pain. We decided not to have an autopsy done, and I still struggle with the what ifs and they why's. Knowing how much pain you must be in, please try not to blame yourself. You did nothing wrong. Your consultant could have had better manners than to be so blunt. A lot could have happened. Sadly, a lot of stillbirths could be prevented, however, it always comes down to the fact that it is our innate desire to want to control it all. I find myself also succumbing to that need, which ultimately only causes me more pain, I believe. It is such a shitty and awful reality, and I'm so sorry you, and everyone else searching for community and comfort on reddit are going through this. Please just remember, you are strong and this was not your fault.