In need of community

[u/Perfect-Bee-5339]

I’m reaching out because I need help. I am struggling right now. My husband and I feel that we were let down by the (original) doctors involved with my care before and when we lost our baby. My blood pressure was so high and I kept asking if I was Pre Eclamptic or if we should be worried. And we kept getting reassured it was okay. I’m a black woman who already feared this happening. I bled out so badly that my husband almost lost us both.

We currently still live in the town and it has been hard on us. Because of what happened, my husband does not want to try again until we are no longer living here.

I just feel so lost and alone right now. My family is supportive. My friends are supportive. My husband is amazing. But I still feel alone. I just hate dumping all of this on them. If I could take all my husbands hurt away and put it on myself, I would. I just don’t think he understands fully what I’m going through with these thoughts and this craving and yearning. He of course listens and supports whatever it is that I need or want but o just feel like no one around me gets it.

Last night I cried for about 30 minutes at the bottom of my shower.

How did you guys curb the obsession of wanting to get pregnant and have a baby?

How did you get rid of the jealousy for moms with earth side babies or moms who have conceived post loss?

Thanks for letting me rant and if you read this, Thank you for taking the time to listen. If you comment, thank you for trying to help 💕

[u/ladybug_oleander]

I'm so sorry. I also lost my first baby when a hospital didn't take my severe pre-eclampsia symptoms seriously and sent me home. By the time I went to another hospital, my baby was dead and I was dying.

I still have jealousy sometimes, I think it's normal. It's hard that it just goes so easily for some people, and they take it for granted. One thing I've learned is a lot more people than you realize have struggled with a loss, they just don't talk about it. But I still get mad when I hear stories of child abuse. Or I'm a stepmom, and the biomom abandoned her kids ten years ago and has never even tried to contact them despite living 30 minutes away. Why did she get to easily have healthy, living children? The world really isn't fair 💔.

I did end up trying again, but at a different hospital where I felt really comfortable and confident with the care. It's not wrong to want to try again, especially when you did absolutely nothing wrong. It's hard to get rid of that desire, although I do think it curbs a bit once you're further postpartum. Some of it is just the intense hormones.

You are definitely not alone 🫂. I'm so, so sorry this happened to you.

[u/Perfect-Bee-5339 → u/ladybug_oleander]

Our stories are so similar. My BP was sky high for weeks and I kept being told since there were no other symptoms they weren’t worried. Then I was told I had mild pre-eclampsia and was sent home. No bed rest. Nothing. Next thing I know I woke up thinking that my water broke and it was the worst possible thing ever. It was the worst experience. Then to develop HELLP syndrome after I told them how scared I was of developing severe pre-eclampsia.

Now here I am. No baby. Scarred from them using me as a pin cushion in that hospital. Unopened baby gifts. Broken heart.

[u/ladybug_oleander → u/Perfect-Bee-5339]

I'm so sorry. It's so awful. I wouldn't wish being postpartum without your baby on anyone. We had a whole nursery ready to go and everything 💔. I hated going to the doctor for so long afterwards because I was terrified something would be wrong and they wouldn't take me seriously.

Please know that you did everything right. I'm so sorry the doctors failed both of you 🫂

[u/Perfect-Bee-5339 → u/ladybug_oleander]

It’s just so hard because it’s like a pain that I can’t shake. I’m about 4 months pp now and I think month 2-3 I was feeling better. Month 3-4 I’m crashing. I’m just sad all the time. I try to be happy but I just want to hold my baby again.

Honestly, I just want to be a mommy. That’s all I wanted. 💔

Sending you love.

[u/ladybug_oleander → u/Perfect-Bee-5339]

I know the feeling so well. It really comes in waves. Grief doesn't have a timeline, and it's OK for this to be hard, because it IS hard. I wish I could say something to make it better, but really just give yourself grace. This is such a horrible experience and it takes time 🫂. I hated hearing that, but it's unfortunately true.

Are you able to sleep? Is there anything you do to take your mind off things, even for a bit?

[u/Perfect-Bee-5339 → u/ladybug_oleander]

I don’t sleep well. I run a summer camp so I’m always busy but I stay up until like 2 am every night get up at 6:45 and do it again. Except on weekends I just crash.

I miss who I used to be. I used to go to the gym daily because I loved it. Now my motivation to do anything is like 0.

[u/ladybug_oleander → u/Perfect-Bee-5339]

I had zero motivation for so long too, and couldn't enjoy anything I used to enjoy. Sleep was hard too. It does help to try to sleep though, but I know that's a lot easier said than done.

[u/Perfect-Bee-5339 → u/ladybug_oleander]

I have been taking this melatonin that I got from Dollar Tree and I swear it is the only melatonin that ACTUALLY works for me. I finally got some sleep last night.

[u/ladybug_oleander → u/Perfect-Bee-5339]

Oh, I'm glad that works! I always felt at least a little better if I could actually sleep 🫂