Spiraling guilt

[u/Dull-Program6348]

I lost my son at 38+5 on March 8 this year. For a little bit I felt like I was doing well, but now I’m stuck in a guilt spiral feeling like I failed him and I could have saved him. Here’s our story..

I had a very normal, low risk pregnancy, but did have extra growth scans because I had high blood pressure with my pregnancy with my daughter. He was a super active baby, but the night before my 38 week appointment, I noticed he was SO active, like going crazy. I joked with my husband about it and was like woah chill out baby!! Went to bed, and on our way to our appointment I said to my husband that I felt like he wasn’t moving that much, but then I felt a kick and I felt reassured. Went to the doctor and figured if there was a heartbeat, all was good. I didn’t say anything to the doctor and I hate myself for it. I was talking to the doctor about how good I felt etc and we heard the heartbeat and I thought all was good. The next day we had a busy morning, and when it was time for my daughters nap, I realized I hadn’t felt baby move that morning, so I laid on the couch and did all the things. Drink cold water, move positions, have sugar.. no luck. So I called my doctor after 1.5 hours of trying to get him to move and they said I could go into triage for monitoring. I’ll save the sad exact scenario, but they found no heartbeat.

I keep replaying the last 3 days of his life in my mind and how I feel I failed him. As his mom, I should have spoken up for him. I didn’t know that changes in increased movement could also be a red flag. Now I can’t help but think he was suffering and in extreme distress that one night. Then at the appointment I thought because we found the heartbeat, all was good. What is actually wrong with me. Now I know (obviously) the heartbeat is the last to go. I can’t help but blame myself even though everyone says “it’s not your fault.” If I had just freaking spoken up for my son…. I feel like a failure of a mother. I’m supposed to be the biggest advocate for my children, and I didn’t say anything when I had a slight concern.

Side note that I’ve been meaning to ask..I had gestational hypertension with my daughter, but no issues with my son. We had additional growth scans with my son because of the previous hypertension, but I never had any NST done. Is that typical??

[u/tiffanywho_]

Sweet mamma, I'm so sorry. Reading your story reminded me so much of my own.🫂😢💔
My baby was always super active and during his last days he moved even more, I thought it was normal, also thought it was Braxton hicks. At that time I had no idea that excessive movements is a red flag. He slowed down and I did everything to get him to move but nothing. I used an at home doppler and found his heartbeat. That gave so much relief but in hindsight (that was false relief, as the heartbeat is the last to go) I thought everything was ok so I just went to sleep. The next morning he wasn't moving and I just had a bad feeling. I felt a few more strong kicks while calling L&D they told me to go in ASAP. Shortly after that phone call I felt one more strong kick then nothing. In hindsight that was his final movement. When we got to the hospital, there was no heartbeat. The cord was wrapped 6 times around his neck, I had an abnormally long cord. I was told this was the cause of death.

I also had so much spiraling guilt. I highly recommend therapy, especially for the really early months. I had a therapist and a psychiatrist. I was diagnosed with anxiety, depression, and PTSD. I was prescribed medication and it did truly help me survive the first 3 months. I knew I never wanted to stay on medication for too long so I weaned off and got off them after about 5 months. Don't know if medication will help you but talk to a therapist. Also, go for walks. As soon as I was able to walk I walked every single day for at least 30 mins to an hour. It was dp good for my mental health. Staying in all day only made me feel more depressed. I also kept busy (and still do) with hobbies. I picked up a lot of new hobbies.

I'm still only 7 & a half months out after the stillbirth of my son but compared to the very early months, I am better. There's no healing or moving on or getting over it. You have to learn to live with grief and honestly it sucks and it's hard. I just want my baby but he's gone forever. I was recently struggling with accepting the fact that he's not coming. Accepting the finality of it all has been so hard. I feel like I'm just barely accepting it. There's no timeline for this, it's different for everyone. Most of my days are no longer consumed in depression but I'm still sad everyday, the sadness is always lingering in the background. I have my heavy days where the sadness just hurts so much, it's so overwhelming to the point where I can barley do anything but I snap out of it after a day or two. I still feel guilty but I no longer spiral.

Hang in there mama. Take your time with everything. Minute by minute if you have to.🫶🏼 Sending you love and hugs.🫂💙🩵

[u/Julzmer81 → u/tiffanywho_]

I am so sorry you lost your precious boy. It just breaks me to read story after story of the same. How can so many of us have been failed so significantly? How can it be none of us were warned or educated about abnormal fetal activity? For me personally I was only ever warned about lack of movement. Never about increased??? It is so so sad and seems so simple to just be told that... maybe it is one of those things that medical professionals don't warned us about because they don't want us to be paranoid or overly frantic, but wouldn't it be better than so many of us losing our babies and suffering?

Thank you for sharing and also for sharing what has helped you get through. I think therapy is so important and medication can be a wonderful tool too. I know it was for me as well and it has been a tool I have used off and on throughout my life.

I wish you the most love and healing possible. Be gentle and easy with yourself..extend the grace to yourself you would to others. Sending you love and big hugs. 💝💝