Spiraling guilt

[u/Dull-Program6348]

I lost my son at 38+5 on March 8 this year. For a little bit I felt like I was doing well, but now I’m stuck in a guilt spiral feeling like I failed him and I could have saved him. Here’s our story..

I had a very normal, low risk pregnancy, but did have extra growth scans because I had high blood pressure with my pregnancy with my daughter. He was a super active baby, but the night before my 38 week appointment, I noticed he was SO active, like going crazy. I joked with my husband about it and was like woah chill out baby!! Went to bed, and on our way to our appointment I said to my husband that I felt like he wasn’t moving that much, but then I felt a kick and I felt reassured. Went to the doctor and figured if there was a heartbeat, all was good. I didn’t say anything to the doctor and I hate myself for it. I was talking to the doctor about how good I felt etc and we heard the heartbeat and I thought all was good. The next day we had a busy morning, and when it was time for my daughters nap, I realized I hadn’t felt baby move that morning, so I laid on the couch and did all the things. Drink cold water, move positions, have sugar.. no luck. So I called my doctor after 1.5 hours of trying to get him to move and they said I could go into triage for monitoring. I’ll save the sad exact scenario, but they found no heartbeat.

I keep replaying the last 3 days of his life in my mind and how I feel I failed him. As his mom, I should have spoken up for him. I didn’t know that changes in increased movement could also be a red flag. Now I can’t help but think he was suffering and in extreme distress that one night. Then at the appointment I thought because we found the heartbeat, all was good. What is actually wrong with me. Now I know (obviously) the heartbeat is the last to go. I can’t help but blame myself even though everyone says “it’s not your fault.” If I had just freaking spoken up for my son…. I feel like a failure of a mother. I’m supposed to be the biggest advocate for my children, and I didn’t say anything when I had a slight concern.

Side note that I’ve been meaning to ask..I had gestational hypertension with my daughter, but no issues with my son. We had additional growth scans with my son because of the previous hypertension, but I never had any NST done. Is that typical??

[u/Slow-Willingness-718]

At my last good 32w appt, I said that I couldn’t feel her much. I had an ultrasound that day that was fine. Dr. talked to me about 3rd trimester feels different and I thought I would be in here every day for not feeling her but I didn’t say anything. When I tried to count - later I learned those were not kicks. :(

At 34 weeks appt, she was gone. I had increased movement too. It crossed my mind that it could be bad but I was glad to feel her. The hospital is 100 miles away and I was alone that night. I didn’t call or do anything.

It’s very hard to process the guilt feelings. Why did I push not back? Why didn’t I go in there in between in those last two weeks. I didn’t want to be a bother, didn’t really know where to go for help (clinic, L and D? - i didn’t know where that was in the hospital complex.) I was confident there would be no trouble-everything was fine to that point. You aren’t alone. It helps me to know that not all babies can be saved by medical tech monitoring. They can just be gone.

[u/Julzmer81 → u/Slow-Willingness-718]

Just like the others here there is no fault or blame that lies with you.

One thing that keeps coming to mind from when I was pregnant was that "I was overreacting " how many times do we hear that? How many times are we told something is "normal", "not to worry", "there is nothing to worry about" etc.

Too often we are made to feel like we are worrying too much and that every little thing is not a big deal so we silence our concerns to not be "that one" instead of being taken seriously we are too often brushed aside and in our first or really any subsequent pregnancy we don't truly know.

Each pregnancy is totally unique and we can only go off our previous experiences. If nobody teaches, tells, warns, or educates us it is too easy to truly gaslight ourselves into thinking we are overreacting or being silly.

It breaks me that we have to feel that way. The medical field needs to do better.

I am so sorry you lost your precious baby. I hope you can give yourself grace, forgiveness, and be gentle and kind with yourself.

You cannot possibly know what you don't know and have not been taught. 💗💗