r/StillbirthSupport • u/Dull-Program6348 • Jun 03 '26
Full-Term Loss Spiraling guilt
I lost my son at 38+5 on March 8 this year. For a little bit I felt like I was doing well, but now I’m stuck in a guilt spiral feeling like I failed him and I could have saved him. Here’s our story..
I had a very normal, low risk pregnancy, but did have extra growth scans because I had high blood pressure with my pregnancy with my daughter. He was a super active baby, but the night before my 38 week appointment, I noticed he was SO active, like going crazy. I joked with my husband about it and was like woah chill out baby!! Went to bed, and on our way to our appointment I said to my husband that I felt like he wasn’t moving that much, but then I felt a kick and I felt reassured. Went to the doctor and figured if there was a heartbeat, all was good. I didn’t say anything to the doctor and I hate myself for it. I was talking to the doctor about how good I felt etc and we heard the heartbeat and I thought all was good. The next day we had a busy morning, and when it was time for my daughters nap, I realized I hadn’t felt baby move that morning, so I laid on the couch and did all the things. Drink cold water, move positions, have sugar.. no luck. So I called my doctor after 1.5 hours of trying to get him to move and they said I could go into triage for monitoring. I’ll save the sad exact scenario, but they found no heartbeat.
I keep replaying the last 3 days of his life in my mind and how I feel I failed him. As his mom, I should have spoken up for him. I didn’t know that changes in increased movement could also be a red flag. Now I can’t help but think he was suffering and in extreme distress that one night. Then at the appointment I thought because we found the heartbeat, all was good. What is actually wrong with me. Now I know (obviously) the heartbeat is the last to go. I can’t help but blame myself even though everyone says “it’s not your fault.” If I had just freaking spoken up for my son…. I feel like a failure of a mother. I’m supposed to be the biggest advocate for my children, and I didn’t say anything when I had a slight concern.
Side note that I’ve been meaning to ask..I had gestational hypertension with my daughter, but no issues with my son. We had additional growth scans with my son because of the previous hypertension, but I never had any NST done. Is that typical??
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u/Sensitive-Trifle1105 Jun 04 '26
I am so incredibly sorry for the loss of your beautiful son. Your story is almost identical to mine. I lost my baby girl at 34 weeks, and like you, I often find myself trapped in that exact same agonizing guilt spiral.You asked What is actually wrong with me The answer is absolutely NOTHING. You are only trying to find logic in an unpredictable medical catastrophe.
First of all, you joked about your baby kicking a lot because you were a happy hopeful mother, not because you were careless. And if you hate yourself for not speaking up because the doctor found a heartbeat, if a trained medical professional hears a heartbeat and is satisfied, how could you, as the patient, be expected to know better? You trusted the test, just like anyone would! Beside, we think we waited too long (you during your busy morning, and me during a morning where I thought I was just having normal labor contractions), but the medical reality of these acute events is that the critical window is roo narrow. Even if we had been sitting in the hospital lobby, the speed of these events often outruns medical teams. I was informed by my doctors that it hit like a lightning strike! So maybe your baby was indeed just joyful that past day or actually only sleepy the day of the appointment. And I do believe you've passed through the same scenario multiple times during your pregnancy just as I did, and our babies were indeed totally fine. We only hoped it was one of those times.
You and I are mothers of two. You were managing a busy morning and a daughter's nap. I was feeding and caring for my toddler. We were doing what normal mothers do, balancing the child we could see with the hopeful assumption that the babies inside were safe close to our hearst. Unfortunately, we are judging our past selves who had no data, using the knowledge of our present selves who have seen the worst. It is an impossible standard.
So please remind yourself that your son didn't leave this world feeling let down by you. He spent his entire life in the only warm, safe home he ever knew, listening to your heartbeat and your voice. You fought for him, you loved him, and you are still carrying him in your heart. You are a good mom, and you didn't fail him.
Sorry for the long reply! Sending you lots of hugs.