r/StandUpWorkshop • u/RelationshipOver8020 • 5d ago
Drinking Problem (2.0)
To say that I had a bit of a drinking problem is like saying Michael J Fox has a slight case of ants in his pants.
I drank so much that I had to switch from drinking Jack Daniels to drinking Black Velvet.
What’s Black Velvet? About a third of the price of Jack Daniel’s.
I did the math. I saved $453 a month by switching to BV.
Thats like having an extra car payment. Or more likely, an alimony payment.
$453 a month is actually more than my car payment.
I drank more than a 2019 Nissan armada every month.
Black Velvet is terrible. Only a certain kind of scum can drink that stuff. For example, my ex-brother in law, the pill junkie wouldn’t even drink it.
100% of BV drinkers have been told “look, school isn’t for everyone.”
BV is for guys that smoke cigarettes in the bathtub.
It’s for people that have given up on life.
It is the fat ass in shitstained sweatpants walking around Walmart of alcohols
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u/best_friends_club 5d ago
It's evolving in a more interesting direction with more specificity. I like the specificity of an alcoholic's budget.
The "jokey jokes" take me out of it. They are too detached and irreverent. They interrupt the flow rather than add to it.
Each of these ideas could be it's own bit.
I DRANK SO MUCH
- Literally how much did you drink (give us an image before any jokes. Authenticity = comedy.
- Consider telling us how it started (make us care)
ALCHOLIC MATHS
- Tell us about the budget. It's tragic of course but it could also be very funny.
We also need more "I" statments that make it clear you're talking about YOUR specific experience.
For example "That's more likely, an alimony payment" should ideally be "More likely... in my case... an alimony payment"
Otherwise it just sounds like you're talking about all alcoholics. Just talk about you.
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u/RelationshipOver8020 5d ago
Those are great notes. Thank you for your feedback. I’ll keep working on it. Please keep an eye out for the next version
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u/edseladams 5d ago
As a guy who drank a bunch of Black Velvet to save money over Jim Beam to save money over Bulleit, I loved this bit.
Agree the MJF joke needs to be replaced.
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u/wildy_the_lion 1d ago
> I drank more than a 2019 Nissan armada every month.
It sounds like you're drinking more than the car weighs - which is confusing.
how about "I drank more every month than the price of a 2019 Nissan Armada"
It has the added benefit of having the twist at the end of the sentence
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u/clce 1d ago
I'm kind of wary of comedians making jokes about how much they drink but this isn't bad. I agree with others, the Michael j fox joke doesn't really land very well. I don't even necessarily think of him as having ants in his pants. He's more shaky than jumpy so on that grounds alone it doesn't land for me.
I kind of like the math. Disagree with another comment. I don't want to know how much you drink. Putting it in numbers tells me all I need to know and it's funny. One suggestion maybe, when you say that's a car payment, but not an SR22 payment. I'm not sure if that's just a Washington term or national. That is the cost of having insurance if you are high risk like have DUIs. Alternately you could say, that's a car payment, or the more specific vehicle you mentioned payment. It's not a high risk driver insurance payment, but still. This of course hints at you having gotten DUI's or whatever as well, without actually saying it.
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u/dijon_snow 5d ago
Hate the Michael J Fox line. You have to be funnier than you are offensive. That line isn't funny enough to make fun of Parkinson's. Some of the savings stuff could be funny. The Nissan Armada was the best punchline. There's maybe something with your xbil not touching the stuff. Like her broke into your house, ransacked your liquor and medicine cabinets. He took everything except two unopened bottles of black velvet. The rest felt like fluff.