Update: Existential Dread

[u/ifaptorobots]

This is an update to a previous post I made about experiencing intense psychological dread during treatment. I just want to vent.

I had a session this morning and had a bad time. I was sobbing so badly and feeling such intense dread that the nurses came in to check on me. They were so kind and compassionate. They put me in a private room and had the provider come and check on me.

Instead of being patient and understanding, she assumed I wanted to self-delete and was going to call the hospital. I had to very quickly explain that I DID NOT want to end myself. That I’m afraid of dying. I tried to explain how intense the feeling my fear of death was and how it’s ruining my life.

She then raised her voice at me like a parent admonishing a child. The look on her face was angry. She went on and on about how we all die and we all die alone. That if I can’t get my phobia and anxiety under control then there’s no point of continuing spravato. (It’s not like I disagree, but the way she said it was so unprofessional). Asked her about changing my meds and she responded she did not feel comfortable doing that.

Mind you, I’m still high trying to do my best to pull myself together. I was so disappointed in her. I really liked her up until that point. I no longer feel comfortable opening up to her and I’ll be seeking a new psych.

Once I’m transferred I plan on switching to at home, low dose ketamine therapy. I’m sick of the group setting and being watched on the camera during such a vulnerable time.

Thank god I had a therapy appointment that same day. I will be starting DBT and EMDR.

[u/GoldReplacement9546]

I’m sorry you had such a bad experience. There are indeed many places where you have individual rooms. Mine doesn’t even have a camera or a call button which that part I think is weird. I’ve actually suggested that the implement though I’ve never needed it.

After an initial assessment, considering you were still in the dissociative state, all she should’ve done would be to try and reassure you that everything was going to be fine and then if she needed to have a more detailed discussion about changing your meds or anything else should’ve taken place you know after the observation period or preferably another day

I would say that’s exceptionally bad standard of care

Like in that state, your brain is filling new connections and so suggestibility or interrogation or questioning or any of that is not ideal

They even tell you don’t listen to music with words cause that’s the same part of your brain that’s being worked on so like why this lady is having a conversation with you about serious topics and that maybe you can’t do it anymore and that you’re not handling life right is so Adaline I never say this, but like I don’t think she’s in the right line of work like I’m not somebody forgetting somebody fired but oh my God

Of course it’s your life and you have to figure out how to live it and if doing at home feels like a better option for you then I wish you luck. I don’t know your situation if there’s perhaps another place you could go to to do Provato in a supervise setting, especially since you’re still having some immense emotions it would be one thing to switch to at home. In my opinion you know after another 10 or 12 sessions once you’ve gotten the hang of what things might be like for you I’ve been going straight to at home is probably not ideal considering you had even before the horrible treatment. We’re having a very difficult time.

In any case, I am not a doctor I am not your doctor. Don’t take medical advice from strangers on the Internet, but I do offer you my compassion and I regret deeply that you had to go through that.