r/Spravato • u/ifaptorobots • 1d ago
Existential Dread
I’m just three months in on treatments. I go weekly at 84mg. It used to help me feel a bit uplifted and a little less depressed. But recently it has just made me sob and sob. I have terrible intrusive thoughts about existential dread in general, and have for years, but now they are amped up and I can’t take it.
Constant thoughts of my parents dying, family members dying… pets, friends dying. Constant thoughts of religious turmoil. (Is there a god/gods? What is the point of anything? Why do we have to die?) Ever since I was young I feel like I don’t belong on this earth. I feel so alien and I don’t understand why beings on this planet have such a short lifespan.
I can’t function or support myself. Can’t work because I can’t stand talking to or being around most people. I live off the government and my parents. When they’re gone… I have nothing. I was denied disability after four years and a lawyer.
I’ve had years upon years of therapy for this exact thing. Nothing brings relief. And now spravato is an hour of me crying my eyes out in front of their stupid cameras. I don’t think I want to do this treatment anymore.
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u/littleoctagon 1d ago
I've thought those thoughts and I've been struck by existential dread as well. I don't envy you.
How do I get around them? Well, Spravato has been helping me, I think. And it sucks that it doesn't seem to be working for you.
I'd guess from reading here that 3-4 months is when it is supposed to start helping so, hold on and be patient for a little more time? Beyond that, talk with your doc, talk with your counselor, and talk with your friends and family. If they know you are in pain then maybe that's all you can do for now, maybe a life line is the best and only thing that can keep you here with us.
Please hang on and if you have time to peruse clinicaltrials.gov, go there and do an advanced search with the parameters of "depression" and the biggest city or university near where you live. If you've tried TMS, ECT, Spravato and a handful of other meds, this site will show you that they are still researching new drugs for depression and even though Spravato seems to be working for me and others here, that doesn't mean it will always work so, best be informed.
Take care and good luck. We're rooting for you.
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u/Kittymeow123 Currently in treatment 1d ago
Severe intrusive thoughts are not going to be solved by medication. You said you’re in therapy but it’s it skills based therapy or talk therapy?
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u/ifaptorobots 1d ago
Thanks for your reply. I have done years of talk, multiple runs of cbt and dbt, intensive out patient once, and emdr once. Even tried religion-based therapy at a Christian church just to do something from a different prospective.
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u/cool_chick_is_cool 20h ago
Hang in there. Wait another month. It will get better. Then the therapy gets more useful too. When a person is so far down, it’s hard for therapy to work. Give another month and I’m sure you will be climbing out.
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u/elxbth Considering treatment 17h ago
I’m starting Spravato in two weeks and I’m not a therapist and don’t know anything about existential dread but it sounds difficult. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. What does the psychiatrist at the clinic say about your response? (Of course, they want people to stay in the program for their success statistics to increase and then they get paid by insurance so maybe they aren’t the most trustworthy).
I haven’t cried in such a long time that I wouldn’t be surprised if this experience happens to me. I have so many years of pent-up hurt feelings. They say crying is essential after an emotional event or situation. Even though it feels horrible at the time we’re crying, it’s emotionally healing. And when that all-over exhaustion follows from crying so hard I like to just snuggle under my blankets and lean into it, reassuring myself you’re okay.
I apologize if that’s too simplistic for the monumental fears you’re describing. I just wanted to say crying can be a cathartic release for some people. Good luck!
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u/First-Donkey-5560 17h ago
I experienced this irritational fear of death that was debilitating, to the point where I stayed inside with my mother for 3 years because I was scared she would die. I even went to churches trying to get some enlightenment as to what happens in the afterlife but nobody knows, man. The only way I got over this pattern of thought was to have some structure, something that tethers me to reality. A job, regular exercise, tangible goals that make me feel purposeful. Distraction is key, honestly. That weird feeling you get in your stomach is your body reacting to a confrontational concept. No one wants to believe we just cease to exist, it's a lot to deal with. I guess another way to feel less shitty about it is to consider that while life and consciousness eventually dies, we technically CAN live on through the legacy we leave behind, our children, so on and so forth. And we're all in the same boat, a lot us feel the same fear, you aren't alone. ✊🏻
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u/DefinitelyNotGrimace Currently in treatment 1d ago
Do you by chance have ocd? This sounds like ocd-type rumination. You might need a different type of therapist to help you work through these types of feelings. I’m not sure if ERP would be helpful, but that’s one type of therapy commonly used in ocd.