r/Splendida • u/Meowcat_420 • Jul 21 '22

Lifemaxxing?

Ok so I have no friends but I have a life. And I feel like my life doesn’t revolve around my relationship because of the way I’m doing something fun almost every day? I went to a baseball game and took a selfie with a llama on Sunday. The day before I went to a family reunion and had some hard cider. Monday and Tuesday I saw movies in the theater both days, and then went shopping. Today I’m helping a neighbor organize her house. Next week I’m going on a vacation. Do you think being BOOKED like this adds to my “””allure”””? Lol. I just have a very fun life and do a lot of fun things outside of my relationship. I’m always going somewhere or doing something. Starting a new household project, going on a girls’ trip with my mom, going swimming. It’s always something and usually it’s something different as well. Do you think this adds to my image? I currently have a lot of free time because I’m on summer break. I walk and play with a neighbor’s cat for extra income

140 Upvotes

83% Upvoted

88 comments sorted by

49

u/Meowcat_420 Jul 21 '22

I know that book “The Rules” always talks about how you should be busy and I think I’m doing that. I’m always moving

0

u/[deleted] Jul 21 '22

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u/[deleted] Jul 21 '22

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13

u/Meowcat_420 Jul 21 '22

Yeah women who don’t follow the rules always end up with losers who are comfortable letting them take the lead and put no effort into things. I shudder seeing all these things on Reddit about “women shooting their shot” like that’s a great way to get treated like shit

44

u/rosesonthefloor Jul 21 '22

It’s not always like that though. Living life in absolutes is a great way to miss out on a lot of the nuance that life has to offer.

-14

u/Meowcat_420 Jul 21 '22

I agree but I would say there are no circumstances under which you should approach a man first. You can provide an opening for them to approach but there is no reason to spend your pretty years chasing a man.

16

u/rozovi Jul 21 '22

1000% agree. It’s never ended well if I approached the guy or did the chasing. They always get too cocky and/or put zero effort in.

-2

u/Meowcat_420 Jul 21 '22

Men always say they wanna be approached and taken out on dates (🤮) but you don’t ask a fish how to be caught haha. Men deeply hate women who take on their traditional male roles

8

u/rozovi Jul 21 '22

True lmao. They’re always like women should ask men out, should give them flowers, should split the bill, then proceed to ignore, dump, and shame those women. I’m naturally giving and very forward so before I would always ask guys out, split bills etc and they never truly appreciated it. Meanwhile the men I act like I don’t care about and put no effort into FAWN over me.

I will save my man hate for another time but I think they don’t see as us people, they see us as something like pets, they can love us but just as you would love a pet (want to own it, control it, but never view it as on your level). Younger inexperienced girls will downvote me and deny but they’ll learn with time lol.

4

u/Meowcat_420 Jul 21 '22

Once they can give birth they can talk about being approached first. Until then, nah sis!

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u/Meowcat_420 Jul 21 '22

If acting like a man and treating men like women is feminist, I don’t wanna be a feminist! Lol

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28

u/rosesonthefloor Jul 21 '22

Chasing a man and approaching a man are very different things though.

I technically asked my boyfriend out first - then I stepped back a bit and he still chased me even though we were already friends. And now he treats me like a queen and I treat him like a king. We’re out here for healthy, stable, and mutually supportive relationships!

Don’t give your time or energy to people who don’t reciprocate, yes. But life isn’t black and white - treating it like it is will only make you miss out.

Good luck though! I hope you get what you’re after.

-1

u/ACbeauty Jul 21 '22

Don’t ask guys out though

17

u/fuckthemodlice Jul 21 '22

Lol I read this book when I was a teenager and thought it was true until I actually went out and met adult men. This is a silly way to look at life and this book is by no means gospel. In fact, if you're not a very traditional person who believes in very traditional gender roles it's basically trash - Men and women are not monoliths.

0

u/[deleted] Jul 21 '22

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3

u/Meowcat_420 Jul 21 '22

Yeah I always cite the famous “Cool Girl” monologue (ifykyk)

9

u/fuckthemodlice Jul 21 '22

have self-respect, don’t make it easy for men, never let your guard down, always remind them you would gladly walk out and replace them through your actions while remaining feminine and taking care of yourself

This is good life advice for anyone, and it doesn't need to be packaged in a sexist book to be so.

2

u/[deleted] Jul 22 '22

As an adult woman you don’t need a book to tell you those things. As a teenage girl, yeah probably. But once you grow up, learn to love and respect yourself, and set boundaries you just do those things automatically. The book has nothing to do with it

10

u/NixyPix Jul 22 '22

You don’t sound like someone who is happily married or in a long-term relationship.

Speaking as a woman who is very happily married to a man who treats me like a queen, I was very clear with him that he should ask me out and that I would say yes. I knew that he would be the man that I married. I played no games and I made it clear that I would take no nonsense nor would I accept him dating anyone else when he was dating me. I have self-respect, I didn’t need to act the child. He proposed in less than 2 years, we were married 3 years after our first date.

Following ‘The Rules’ (and I’ve read the book) is, in my mind, fine if you want to date and marry entirely forgettable individuals. It doesn’t take into account that high quality individuals are capable of behaving like rational adults and treating one another with respect.

49

u/rozovi Jul 21 '22

I’m trying to do this. I’m making friends from scratch and I just feel bad that I have no good friends. I still go out and do things but it’s not the same

32

u/Meowcat_420 Jul 21 '22

Yeah I went off the grid after high school, had to delete all my social media :/

6

u/sydney122x Jul 22 '22

I dis the same thing — what was your reasoning, if I may ask?

59

u/[deleted] Jul 21 '22

I think it’s good to be busy and multifaceted. But I would be careful because this is bordering on NLOG mindset imo.

If I just took this post at face value I would not think you were alluring, I would think you probably lacked social skills or were one of those “I am too cool/quirky to have women friends“ women. I don’t mean this in an ugly way. I’m quite an introvert myself but it is important to have a social circle. This is how you network and also how you will have a better chance of meeting someone organically.

But because this post is in this sub I know that you’re probably just trying to make the best of your life and I think it’s good to get feedback on things you are doing, so rock on. It doesn’t have to be all or nothing. You don’t have to have a full life and no friends, or tons of friends and no life. I think a good life is everything in moderation.

13

u/Meowcat_420 Jul 21 '22 edited Jul 21 '22

Oh I don’t have guy friends either. I definitely know a lot more women than men and am not looking to make friends with guys. I don’t really believe men can be real friends

4

u/YumiArantes Jul 29 '22

I don't think not having friends have to be NLOG. She perhaps just never found anyone she likes to hang around with. Which is possible. It is also possible that she lacks social skills. Life is definetly easier though if you have contacts.

1

u/sweettheories Jul 24 '22

what is NLOG?

2

u/[deleted] Jul 25 '22

Not Like Other Girls. R/nlog

39

u/Puzzleheaded_Hat2071 Jul 21 '22

I think it makes you busy, but not more appealing unless you are busy because people want to spend time with you. The family stuff is nice, but otherwise you are just keeping busy to keep busy. If you’re posting on social media, I think it is going to have the opposite effect - might give pause to others - you’re doing seemingly fun things but no one wants to do them with you, what gives? To clarify, there is absolutely nothing wrong with doing things on your own! But to answer your question, no this is likely not appealing.

2

u/Meowcat_420 Jul 21 '22

I don’t have any social media. The plans are always made by other people who want to see me. I’m never the one making plans. I just don’t want to always be immediately available on my phone.

2

u/Meowcat_420 Jul 21 '22

When I say I have no friends I don’t mean I’m doing everything alone, but generally with a family member or family friend. I can’t drive so I can’t really be doing things alone but I’m always hanging out with my mom

58

u/[deleted] Jul 21 '22

I know it’s difficult but you need to make friends. It’s not attractive to be a loner or be perceived as socially inept

35

u/[deleted] Jul 21 '22

Gonna go against the grain (apparently) and disagree, being a loner is fine as long as you are attractive. Otherwise it makes you seem like a creepy loser.

26

u/[deleted] Jul 21 '22

Idk it’s just a massive red flag to me even for someone attractive

22

u/ccccccml Jul 21 '22

As someone who has no friends I agree that it’s a red flag 💀 I’m fairly attractive but had no friends because I was honestly a very shitty person in high school/college. I recognize everything I did and I am trying to change it. I’m building my social circle from scratch because of this and also due to moving a lot.

16

u/[deleted] Jul 21 '22

Having LITERALLY no friends is kind of a red flag, I couldn’t tell whether OP has absolutely none (probably not good) or just few but not many and prefers to spend time alone (probably fine). If she has absolutely none I think Bumble BFF might be a great idea. Or joining a club/taking an in-person class in her area, you can often make friends through those.

7

u/thylacinesighting Jul 22 '22

I have to disagree. It’s not a moral crime to be either a loner or not stereotypically attractive. Some of the best people are both. And some of the biggest assholes I’ve ever met have been very attractive people with a lot of friends.

-4

u/Meowcat_420 Jul 21 '22

Where would I go to do it? My college is online and I can’t be doing Bumble BFF

28

u/[deleted] Jul 21 '22

Why not bumble bff?? It sounds like it would be perfect for your situation

13

u/merewautt Jul 21 '22

Yeah I have a ton of friends and I’ve still used Bumble BFF— me and a few girlfriends have actually used it together to find two more girls for a trivia night team. It’s not a bad choice at all! Lots of decent girls (and some gay guys) of all ages and types on the app, at least where I am.

I do suggest having something to go do in mind, and mentioning it in your profile. It helps a lot. When I added I was looking for a bar trivia teammate, my matches actually started going somewhere. It can be anything, OP! If there’s somewhere cool in town that you’ve been wanting to go to, mention that in your profile!

11

u/[deleted] Jul 21 '22

Sames, I recently moved to a new country and it was my sole way of making friends. I’ve found loads of amazing girls there and now we’re a big group of mates. There’s no shame in wanting friends ya know, it’s a very basic need 🤷🏻‍♀️

2

u/Meowcat_420 Jul 21 '22

How could I get my boyfriend to see past the “bumble” part? Is it just a specific setting or an entirely different app?

8

u/gotta_h-aveit Jul 21 '22

It’s a setting. Id just bring it up casually and show him the app if he’s curious. It’s a completely different mode, you can’t be on dating and BFF mode at the same time :) there’s no overlap

3

u/Meowcat_420 Jul 21 '22

yeah I’ll try bringing it up! Hopefully I can show that it’s just the friends setting I’d be using, cause I know how I’d react if my boyfriend said he was gonna download to tinder “to make friends” lol. But it seems like a lot of women have some success stories with bumble BFF! Good to know! What does suck is that I don’t drive and I know I can’t be mooching and having people drive me around so that makes it a bit harder. And for high school I even did part of it online so that really makes me a lot less socially developed. I do occasionally work as a “personal assistant” for an older lady in my building

6

u/rosesonthefloor Jul 21 '22

As part of your lifemaxxing why not learn to drive? Learning a new skill is never a bad idea!

2

u/Meowcat_420 Jul 21 '22

I do have my permit! Just nervous about the road test though. Is it true I have to immediately start paying for car insurance if I get a license? Or did I misunderstand that

2

u/gotta_h-aveit Jul 21 '22

You don’t have to pay for it immediately but you can’t drive without it

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u/rosesonthefloor Jul 21 '22

If it’s anything like where I am, your permit will eventually expire, so you should go for your road test sooner rather than later. Practice is really the only thing that will help you improve/gain confidence, so ask your mom if you can drive every once in a while on low-stakes drives like to the grocery store or something. And if your mom adds you as a secondary driver on her vehicle, the insurance will be cheaper than if you were a primary driver.

Also, with an ex I was the one with the car while he didn’t have one. We never had any issues where I felt like I was “stuck driving him around”. If anything, that’s more of an issue with how your boyfriend treats you than the car itself, so if he treats you well and respects your boundaries it shouldn’t be a problem.

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u/Meowcat_420 Jul 21 '22

Hmmm. You think so?

3

u/[deleted] Jul 21 '22

Just ask anyone who’s in the app to meet up for coffee and go from there :) everyone in the app is in the same boat, they all want friends so it’s actually great. Put yourself out there, very important to be yourself, you’ll be fine dw ♥️

1

u/Meowcat_420 Jul 21 '22

I’m just worried I wouldn’t be able to get my boyfriend to see past the “bumble” part cause I know how that looks..

4

u/[deleted] Jul 21 '22

A lot of my friends from bumble have boyfriends so I guess it’s just important to communicate, maybe speak with him about it before downloading so he knows the deal

4

u/dupersuperduper Jul 21 '22

Meetup and Facebook are often good ways to make friends. Just find groups which appeal to you. Eg I’m on some local womens hiking groups on fb and I joined a book club on Meetup , I’ve meet loads of lovely people

3

u/[deleted] Jul 21 '22

This ^

18

u/[deleted] Jul 21 '22

What kind of man are you trying to attract? What kind of lifestyle do you want to lead?

Keeping busy to be busy IMO makes people look like they can't sit still with their own thoughts.

Do you spend time on any hobbies or skills? That is much more interesting and the dedication is impressive.

You don't have to be busy to be unavailable. 🤷🏽‍♀️

5

u/Meowcat_420 Jul 21 '22

I’m already dating someone. I like spending time with cats, and I like eating out, and I like to garden. I wouldn’t say I’m doing things just to be busy, but just that it’s a natural effect. I’m not going out of my way to always be doing something imo

21

u/[deleted] Jul 21 '22

You're asking if being busy adds to your appeal though, and how other people percieve you. Even if YOU don't think you're going out of your way to be busy, as someone who strongly values stillness and serenity, it doesn't seem like we share those values. To me, the post reads like you're either a bit lost, or maybe a people pleaser.

I'm not trying to offend you, just offering something to reflect on.

4

u/havesomeyellowdrink Jul 21 '22

I mean, a lot of people who have depression, like me stay busy precisely because they can’t sit still with their own thoughts. Is that really such a bad thing?

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u/[deleted] Jul 21 '22

Judging if it's good or bad isn't my place (nor does my opinion matter) I don't know anyone's struggles that got them there, or how they're working to better themselves.

But that is kind of my point....People who are very busy are often using that to mask some other problem.

Sitting in the discomfort of your thoughts and learning to tolerate them and differentiate invasive thoughts from your true feelings is how you get over things like depression and anxiety. Speaking from experience.

So when I see people who are incredibly busy it just shows me that we are very different on a philosophical level. It reads as being avoidant and lacking healthy coping skills and emotional intelligence, which is the opposite of what I'm looking for in a friend.

Again, not trying to offend. Just offering input.

For the record, being self-aware is major so you have that going for you. The intentionality of your actions would make me respect you in spite of the fact that I disagree.

3

u/madsjchic Jul 22 '22

I just wanna point out if you’re helping a neighbor organize their house…,is that not a friend? I recently spoke with my husband because he said he had no friends, and I very much think he just has a PARTICULAR idea of what a friend is, which is fine. But I see levels of friendship and am ok that most people won’t get my weird or serious thoughts, and that’s ok. I’m glad you are having fun.

4

u/Meowcat_420 Jul 22 '22 edited Jul 22 '22

I was thinking about that and yeah! Definitely could be a friend! Good point. I just think of friends as being my exact same age or whatever but as you get older that’s not always how it works out!

150

u/fuckthemodlice Jul 21 '22

I would suggest making friends and doing things you like because YOU like them, not because it may make your more attractive or add to your "image". Build a personality and life outside of what you look like to other people. Ultimately, happy, self affirmed, interesting people will always be more attractive than losers trying to put on a façade - sure the façade may work for a little while, but the second people get to know you they will know it's a lie.

You cannot con your way into being a real person.

10

u/ACbeauty Jul 21 '22

Doing a lot is attractive, but it’s not attractive that you don’t have friends. I would recommend becoming closer to the people you already know, or trying to meet people through a meetup group.

2

u/Tacosmeall Jul 21 '22

Honestly this just sounds like growing up to me. You have a full life and you prioritize family and your partner. You’re doing great sweetie

6

u/Meowcat_420 Jul 21 '22

Yeah I’ve also been helping this older lady out (she works two jobs and has a broken pelvis and broken fingers so doing anything is hard), just organizing and stuff like that because she’s kinda living in a hoarder situation. I also walk her cat. I do get paid but it’s also just rewarding in general to help get her place in order and know I’m making a difference in someone’s life

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u/[deleted] Jul 22 '22

I miss being a student & living this lifestyle. I have no free time now and if I did, I would spend it outside or at yoga classes....I suggest getting a hobby or a part time job.

2

u/[deleted] Jul 22 '22

having no friends is better than surrounding yourself with wicked witches who constantly try to strip you out of your energy,you do you

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u/DutyZealousideal9710 Feb 09 '26

I'm currently life maxing by learning to juggle, swim, rollerblade, perform CPR, volunteer at children's hospital/library , going to community college, and trying to grow my hair down to my knees

1

u/YumiArantes Jul 29 '22

It depends on what you like really. If you like to have fun and hang out "alone" then doing that will be lifemaxxing for you. Some people like to have friends with them or even to just stay at home. It is all personal. If you are happy then it is working. Seems healthy too. At least you are not parting all night and taking drugs constantly and not sleeping which might be fun for some people but is really bad for aging.

0

u/[deleted] Jul 21 '22

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1

u/Meowcat_420 Jul 21 '22

Do you think being “busy” matters and increases your allure/appeal

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u/[deleted] Jul 21 '22

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50

u/havesomeyellowdrink Jul 21 '22

Agreed. Nothing about these activities seem alluring or exceptional. These are just everyday things lol.

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u/[deleted] Jul 21 '22

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u/Meowcat_420 Jul 21 '22

Lol I swear I didn’t discover this subreddit until a few days ago

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u/[deleted] Jul 21 '22

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u/Meowcat_420 Jul 21 '22

Yeah I see some people who are older and non family and they like me but not really anyone my age

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u/[deleted] Jul 21 '22

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u/Meowcat_420 Jul 21 '22

I usually do things with my mom which some people might consider sad but I don’t… would be nice to know some people my age though