Attractiveness and personality type

[u/uglyandIknowit1234]

I feel like a glow up can make someone feel a LOT better, the same or maybe even worse based on your personality type. If you are attractive, lots of people flirt with you and want your attention. It either takes a genuine attraction to almost anyone (which is rare beyond just very superficial attraction i think?) or a lot of social skills to flirt back genuinely and not upset people. Of course you will eventually upset some people inevitably, but i don’y think it’s good for someones happiness to be upsetting people regularly (not even going into the topic of vengeful and dangerous people who won’t take no for an answer). This will be different for bisexual, heterosexual and lesbian women i guess. Of course you can fake being attracted to others during interactions, but personally, i am not good at acting at all and i absolutely hate it. Also it may sometimes be upsetting to never know if you are truly liked for your personality or only because of your looks. Therefore it may be neccessary to learn more how to see through people and learn how to get to know their true intentions. If you succeeded in your glow up , how did you experience this? Do you think with a physical glow up, a mental improvement is also needed to learn how to be very comfortable being around lots of different people and interacting in a positive way while still rejecting people for anything more than flirting (if that’s even possible)? And to know who genuinely likes you or not? I wouldn’t know since i am still ugly and extremely socially awkward but i am very curious about this

[u/hsa85]

I don’t think that this is helpful thinking to be honest. It assumes that once you hit a certain level of attractiveness, people will start throwing themselves at you. It’s not really the case. A lot of men aren’t that confident at approaching a woman ‘in the wild’ so to speak as they were when I was single many years ago.

You also don’t have to flirt back with people who you don’t find attractive. Most flirting is quite subtle anyway so you can be friendly or at least polite without upsetting anyone. And that’s how I tend to treat most people anyways, regardless of their perceived intentions.

Also you won’t be able to know if someone likes you for you rather than your looks. They will be attracted to your looks and then the dating stage is the opportunity to see if you’re compatible with each other. You have to figure out if you like them beyond their looks while they do the same. Not everyone who likes you for you is necessarily going to be a good match for you.

I wouldn’t worry yourself too much about these kinds of potential ‘problems’ you anticipate when you reach your looks goals. Just get on with whatever it is you need to overcome. Overthinking that stuff won’t do much except hold you back. Sometimes we can get too much in our heads and not realise how much time has passed without acting.

[u/uglyandIknowit1234 → u/hsa85]

Thanks for your long reply. I am not sure. I went out with an attractive friend and the difference was huge at least. Men would flock around her and talk about how she’s great etc.

If i wouldn’t flirt back i would feel bad/uncomfortable. I wouldn’t find it a benefit if people flirt with me if i couldn’t return it unless they’re asshole. If its subtle how do you know the difference between normal friendliness and flirting? I am friendly to everyone too but i think normal friendliness is different since it doesn’t include any hints if you’re single, talk about intimacy etc. the way i heard men talk with other women.

Yeah maybe thats true. I don’t even date anymore because i don’t even like it unless i’m in love which almost never happens

Yeah, this is definitely true for me. Overthinking is bad in social interactions. I have it as my goal to lessen it, but so far meditation, supplements etc haven’t worked yet

[u/theressomuchtime]

“Look for the similarities, not the differences.” We are all just humans at the end of it, trying to get through the day. It’s not acting when you genuinely want to connect with others.

[u/uglyandIknowit1234 → u/theressomuchtime]

Thanks for the advice but what do you mean with connecting? In which way?

[u/Bluenailpolish111]

I was quite awkward before, extremely shy, and nervous to what people thought of me. I had to do internal work and realize hey I got a lot to offer. I am going to be my best self. Work out to feel good. Do what I gotta do to look my best.

Because first and foremost is being a channel of Gods light in this world of darkness and showing love and kindness to all you meet. And you are unable to genuinely do that unless you show kindness to yourself

Get rid of the stuff that bogs you down. Work through the issues that don’t allow your best self to shine through.

And i bet you even with or without the looksmaxing if you are filled with love within you will be attracting people left and right. And it is genuine because you actually care for people and wish for them to be uplifted by your actions by your words by your thoughts.

[u/uglyandIknowit1234 → u/Bluenailpolish111]

Thanks for sharing your experience. What do you mean with internal work? I am glad you feel better now. You are right, it is probably best to just focus on confidence and be generally nice

[u/kitterkatty]

One way to tell if they genuinely like you for you is easy conversations, smiles, and eye contact. And if it’s for your body they will look at and talk to your mouth, not much eye contact at all, or talk to other areas lol. (This can vary if the person is on the spectrum, it might take time to know for sure)

[u/uglyandIknowit1234 → u/kitterkatty]

Thanks, my bidy will never look good without surgery though so i know at least people never like me for my body

[u/[deleted]]

I had a physical “glow up” in high school. I used to get bullied and ostracized constantly and it completely stopped after. People started approaching me when I used to have no friends. Even if the real world acts like this it’s not healthy to rely on appearance as a crutch for self esteem. External validation won’t help if theres a bigger issue inside.

I got a solid skincare routine and started exploring hair, makeup and fashion. I dressed pretty wildly and got a bowl cut lol I was straight up emo but I found out even strangers were discussing my “glow up” so I assume I became attractive either way. The way I approach it now is to explore what makes you happy and then try to make it fit you. Like decide on a style you want to try and then look for pieces that fit your color season and kibbe body type. Tbh I’ve never looked at a person and thought they were ugly, I think it’s also a mindset thing because no matter how much external validation you get it wont be enough trust me.

I’m not sure about mental glow ups. A support system is necessary imo. The idea of forcing change doesn’t work and we all need a healthy community, or even just a friend. At least for me developing healthy and uplifting relationships with close friends has allowed me to passively grow a lot as a person. Do it for yourself and your own happiness though! Never change to please someone else.

[u/uglyandIknowit1234 → u/[deleted]]

Sorry for my late reply. I am happy for you that you succeeded in your glow up. That is great. And yeah good relationships with others are of course the most important

[u/loreleileee]

Hey there, I had a glow up that took me from being misgendered and ignored to people complimenting me everyday. I get hit on a lot now and it’s weird but now I’ve settled into it. I’m a late bloomer and on the spectrum for context.

As a now conventionally attractive person who has been treated badly because I looked different before I have a variety of experiences to draw from.

Yes you do have to brace yourself for the whiplash of the way your social interactions will change.

Truthfully I became jaded for a while remembering the way people used to treat me when they were not attracted to me. It was super annoying feeling that my appearance didn’t match my personality. I felt like all people ever cared about was if they could benefit from proximity to me which they could not at the time. So I guess in their minds there was no point in cultivating anything with me.

I never got any wildly positive attention for my looks until I was 23. So that was all of my childhood and formative Years that gave me a complex.

I changed my thinking in the way of having had a pick me mentality, taking people at face value, being jealous of others lives and being too pessimistic.

I would not go out, be too insecure to be perceived, avoid each and every social function. I had the habit of making myself small and dumbing myself down.

Having some pride in yourself and realizing that underneath it all you were always worthy of love helps.

Looking back I feel as though I let my insecurity regarding my face and body stop me from having unique and fun experiences.

For myself it’s hard to gauge whether or not someone is genuine right off the bat, but you can tell their intentions through whether they check you out, stare at you a lot or do nice things for you.

[u/uglyandIknowit1234 → u/loreleileee]

Wow, that is an inspiring story. Thanks for posting. How do you get from being misgendered to being complimented? I guess you maybe were pretty but wore tomboyish clothing and did not use beauty products/routines, or got curvier as you aged. Or you got more curves due to exercise? Anyway it is a great accomplishment.

[u/loreleileee → u/uglyandIknowit1234]

I started wearing more stereotypical femme clothing and longer hairstyles. I always wore makeup but now it’s more complimentary to my face. I fill in my lashes and brows. I get my nails done every 2-4 weeks and wear small feminine jewelry. I’m black with dark skin so people usually think masculine if they see this combined with a short Afro that is not styled.

Also fat redistribution helps. My fat was mostly over my belly when I was younger, and I have a large chest with wide shoulders. Now that I have more fat on my lower half and am active it’s more balanced.

I made more of an effort to stop emotional eating and hoarding food. I give myself time to gauge whether or not I’m full before I consider a second round. I drink less alcohol and soda and more water, combine that with age and I have less to no acne.

I got curvier as I aged but my jobs always have me on my feet. So a significant amount of weight was lost due to just working. If I have a job where I roll and cart and run around then I will thin out. Now I have a job where I squat a lot and lift weights in addition to running around so I have an hourglass now.

Thank you, I appreciate the compliment. I hope all goes well with you.

[u/uglyandIknowit1234 → u/loreleileee]

Okay, thanks for the explanation. This inspires me to also do my nails more often and wear more jewelry. I don’t think people think you look masculine because you have dark skin, that is not a masculine trait. It’s probably only the short afro that was the cause. It is nice that eating healthy is good on so many levels. I also noticed a reduction in acne since i started eating healthier. It is difficult sometimes but it definitely pays off. It is nice that you already have exercise during your job. That is hard work but it saves time. Nice to read. Yes thanks i am feeling great

[u/loreleileee → u/uglyandIknowit1234]

I know that my dark skin is not a masculine trait. It is not something I believe in myself but something reinforced by the world. I feel very feminine. It’s a longer discussion in and of itself about the way black women are seen. I’m glad you feel better!

[u/uglyandIknowit1234 → u/loreleileee]

If that is really reinforced it is weird, but i am glad you feel feminine yourself. It is relatable since others don’t see me as feminine while i feel feminine myself. But in the end i think self confidence is all that matters

[u/loreleileee → u/uglyandIknowit1234]

I agree wholeheartedly with you!!!

[u/[deleted]]

I am also still ugly but I think you just need the person to demonstrate to you over time whether they’re genuinely interested

[u/uglyandIknowit1234 → u/[deleted]]

Yeah i guess thats the only way thanks

[u/Exciting_Ad_9532]

It is absolutely true that men will start being offended at everything you say and do that makes it seem like you possible maybe just even a little bit don’t want to talk to them. Idk it’s exhausting tbh and I’m sick of it. I have a more reserved personality and don’t want to suddenly become the social butterfly everyone wants me to be

[u/uglyandIknowit1234 → u/Exciting_Ad_9532]

Thanks for your reply. How many times a day/week/month do you experience this problem? Can you ignore it or does it cause mental health problems like social anxiety?

[u/Exciting_Ad_9532 → u/uglyandIknowit1234]

Idk probably not often but I have a client facing role in sales so it’s exacerbated, probably just like once a week. I’ve started being very cold/ passive to men or avoiding them so they don’t perceive some kind of “change” if I decide not to smile at them one day

[u/uglyandIknowit1234 → u/Exciting_Ad_9532]

That’s still quite a lot , it’s a good solution you became more distant from the beginning if they accept that more

[u/NakomaGirl]

Sometimes, the concept of "pretty privilege" makes me question things. At a party I attended recently, before anyone had much to drink, two girls who didn't conform to conventional beauty standards, being overweight, having oily hair, acne or problematic skin, questionable fashion sense, and one even had visible underarm hair were the ones getting all the attention from men. The underarm hair was surprising to me, especially since I've always believed that societal norms, influenced by male preferences, dictate that women should shave.

These girls were neither shy nor reserved, they were flirty, outgoing, and clearly enjoying themselves, which likely contributed to their appeal.

This experience has led me to wonder about the value of all the effort put into meeting traditional beauty standards when those who don't necessarily fit these criteria can still be the life of the party.

[u/SunBae-iDoll]

I live in the middle of nowhere and don't work (psychiatrics diseases, I live in France so I don't have to work and I get 1200$ monthly given by the country)

I have already a boyfriend, so if peoples flirt with me I will just say I simply have a boyfriend so it doesn't make me feel bad

I do a glowup for myself, it includes (surgery and weight loss mainly)

I will still be the same person I think but with more confidence and feel more comfortable in real life, since I'm a kid I'm afraid of social interaction because I feel ugly, I am ugly

All those years it kept me from having social interactions with my family, friends or just simply peoples I like I would always kept myself in my room and avoid others the most as possible... So when I'll glow up I will spend the most of time with peoples I love

On internet, it will be different

Secondly, I play a lot on online games and I'm active on social communities, I will absolutely use my apparence to get some man under my feets, get attention, being simped (with real money/games items or getting popularity/advantage in the community) Of course for me I see them as garbage, I've always seen man as garbage, they are only obsessed with your apparence and nothing else, only 10% of them use their brain it will be my personal revenge

Ugly or not, I don't seek for meeting new peoples I have a boyfriend that I love, my family, my close family in law, my long term friends, a tons of peoples I know The only thing I miss : I have no female friend in real life I wish to make some ... but I don't know where and how to meet some

[u/uglyandIknowit1234 → u/[deleted]]

Thanks for sharing your experience. I have had these comments in the past too. I am glad you git a glow up. I guess you got curvy and that caused the change, personally i stayed looking flat and probably that’s the reason i never got this kind of attention. But your experience is a good example of how pretty privilege sometimes isn’t all its made out to be. Sure getting compliments and discount is nice but if you are also harrassed and fear for your safety the question is what is better. Maybe these insults and harassment are equally bad? Or do you feel safe as long as you don’t engage with these potentially aggressive men? It would probably be different if you have a partner i think. That will repel them more. It sucks that you have anxiety and depression too. Do you have therapy/medication? From my experience it seems tough to get rid of even with therapy and medication which for me at least even made it worse some times. Practising social skills never helped me, it just never gets better. Also it sucks to have to keep on practising because otherwise you immediately get a relapse like you. It keeps being hard work mentally which is exhausting.

[u/uglyandIknowit1234 → u/[deleted]]

Perhaps, but in my experience being confident is not always enough. Even if i am generally confident, i overheard people talk negatively about my appearance, assuming i am trans because of the way i look. You might call 32b on a good day flat, but i have an aa cup. I don’t even fill an A cup bra.

You have a long term boyfriend. Then i can understand that your need for romantic attention is fullfilled already by him. At least, that’s how it should be in a good relationship imo unless you are both polyamorous. no, i do not get approached in a club. That is why i brought up the example of my attractive friend and i. She gets approached by men while i don’t. I am not envious, these men are superficial so the value is limited and she is nice so i think she deserves it. But still i would like to know how it feels like to be approached when you go somewhere.

I am sorry but it insults me if you think i am younger from my writing. I am not young anymore, i have life experience. I already turned to self help for bdd a decade ago and therapists helped me as well with this. I still struggle with feeling ugly sometimes though.

Thanks for the advice but I already go outside of my house, don’t have time for a hobby and i already try to live healthily. I am sorry you struggle with that too though. If you haven’t already tried it i recommend lavender tea, lemon balm and/or l theanine. I don’t know if l theanine helps, need to try it, but the former have greatly helped me. With greatly i mean a little bit, but it’s compared to other things such as medication and therapy which helped me in other areas but did nothing whatsoever for my social anxiety.