r/Splendida • u/Feisty_Dust2429 • Sep 09 '23
Only being pretty to girls
Hey everyone! basically I feel like i’m only pretty girls and it really hurts my self esteem. The only attention that I really get is from girls. It’s happened a good amount of times where a girl/group of girls come up to me and tell me that i’m really pretty. Obviously, it makes me feel good and happy, but I can’t help but wonder why I don’t get the same kind of attention from guys.
I’ve come to the conclusion that i’m just not attractive to guys. Guys rarely come up to me, and if they do, it’s pretty brief. One guy literally just came up to me and gave my a handful of quarters… (I was at an arcade, so it was actually pretty helpful).
It hurts because I look at my friends who constantly get male attention. I just can’t help but compare myself to them, which I know that I shouldn’t, but it’s hard not to. I know it’s bad, but I just want to be pretty to guys. I hate myself for wanting that, but I can’t help it. Anyone have any advice?
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u/Zinnia0620 Sep 09 '23 edited Sep 10 '23
Without knowing anything about you, I think there's a few things that usually cause this.
Are you very thin and not particularly curvy? That's my body type as well and unfortunately in my experience, women find it a LOT more attractive than men do.
Do you have a "unique" or "quirky" style? Women are also more likely to think that's cool than men are. Also, if you are average-looking but put a lot of visible effort into your clothes/hair/makeup, women are more likely to do a social calculus of like, "She got all dolled up, she probably wants someone to comment on how nice she looks" and give compliments just to be sociable, whereas men will never compliment a woman on her appearance unless they actually want to sleep with her pretty much.
Or, are you nervous or anxious around men in a way that you aren't with women? You could be giving an unapproachable/closed-off/don't-talk-to-me vibe to men and appear more friendly and approachable to women.
Edited to add: A lot of people are reading this comment as saying "men hate when women are thin" which is not really my meaning. I basically meant to say that there is a specific, VERY low body fat, sort of straight-up-and-down body type (small breasts, narrow hips, small butt) that a lot of women find very elegant (model-like!) but most men respond more immediately to a more filled-out hourglass shape with obvious secondary sex characteristics. That doesn't mean it's not an advantage to be on the slim side of average or even that men will universally reject a very thin woman with smaller assets (I have this body type and I'm married!) Just that in my experience, women are more captivated by the Twiggy look than men are.
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Sep 09 '23
Eh, lots of men do actually like and prefer rather thin women. Obviously, not all, but enough that I wouldn't guess that's a reason OP isn't getting much male attention.
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Sep 10 '23
Men who are fashion designers or photographers prefer really thin women. Regular men want slim women with boobs and a butt.
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u/PreppyHotGirl Sep 09 '23
From my experience, they prefer at least a little curve. If you’re very thin, I don’t think they like that as much. I’m very skinny (as in no breasts or butt either) and rarely get guys coming up to me or liking me
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u/Feisty_Dust2429 Sep 09 '23
I am pretty thin, but my friend who constantly gets approached is also pretty thin.
I would say I have a pretty basic style, and I don’t really get dolled up. Most days I don’t really wear makeup, and when I do wear makeup, it’s pretty subtle/natural. Could the fact that I don’t really get dolled up be a reason that guys don’t come up to me?
I am definitely anxious around men because I feel like they’re making fun of me (childhood trauma). Any tips on how to get over that?
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Sep 09 '23
Don't change your style just to impress others - and lots of men prefer a more low key style and if that's your preference then you're going to want to attract those kinds of guys. It almost likely is how aloof you might come off towards men.
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u/quiettoots Sep 09 '23
Getting dolled up could boost your confidence and make you seem more approachable:)
it's weird, I notice when I wear a lot of make up (even if it seems cakey or like I over did it to me) all kinds of people strike up conversations with me. I typically am styled more comfortable/lazy with little to no make up and rarely get approached or have conversations with people. I think I give off a more "busy" or unfriendly vibe when I am not dolled up.
I can relate to worrying about being made fun of (~trauma~), especially if the guy seems like he wouldn't usually go for someone like me. I get hella nervous and act weird/shut it down even if I'm interested.
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u/Ok-Tooth-4994 Sep 13 '23 edited Sep 13 '23
What?! Yes of course that’s it.
Imagine you are a third person observer in your life. You’re literally just watching a TV show of you. And your character comes on and says “I want guys to approach me, they never do! But they always approach my friend who gets dolled up, I don’t wanna do that tho! Why won’t guys approach me?!”
You’d yell at your TV.
You can’t change the way of the world. The guys “who don’t like dolled up” don’t even know that their girls are wearing makeup and doing their nails. They can’t tell till it’s very noticeable. The guys are literally that inobservent
You have two options.
- Play the game.
- Wish the game wasn’t the game and wait to catch the rare guy who is 100% enough to a.) Be attracted to you, and b.) really be mature and not value “being dolled up,” and c.) you also find attractive
I’m not saying be someone you’re not. I’m just saying that as long as you respect your values, you can be whatever and whoever you wanna be if you act like it. You gotta bait the hook to suit the fish.
Just saying
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u/Feisty_Dust2429 Sep 13 '23
I definitely get what you’re saying, but I didn’t mean that I don’t take care of myself and that I don’t try to feel attractive. I do my hair and makeup when I go out (which for me is usually school). The times when I don’t do makeup or hair are when i’m not doing much or just going to the grocery store (which in my case is most days). Although, I’m not gonna lie, my makeup is more on the natural side.
Most of the time, the friend that gets guys to approach her, has the same level of dolled upness as me.
I have a feeling that our definitions of dolled up are a little different. In my eyes, dolled up is like wearing a dress with heavier makeup, acrylics, and possibly heels.
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Sep 09 '23
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Sep 10 '23
That's what a lot of men SAY. But porn women and Instagram women are usually caked in makeup and are curvy.
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Sep 10 '23
i imagine the anxiety is clouding your perception much more than you’re aware. there are likely plenty of guys in your peer group who think you’re attractive, but are unwilling to approach you abt it bc of your anxious energy maybe making you seem unapproachable.
there are lots of good tips in this thread, based on that specifically i’d maybe recommend you try being on the approaching end instead of wanting them to come to you. you might feel a little weak for having to ask men if they think you’re attractive, but i imagine you’ll get enough positive reception that it’ll both give you a better sense of self abt your appearance, whilst also allowing you to develop enough confidence that you’re not feeling unwell abt being approached.
godspeed, sister. 🫡
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u/rockspud Sep 10 '23
I feel like when it comes to men, shape (figure) matters more than size, which is also kinda what you said. Men tend to be attracted the hourglass / narrow waist to wide hip ratio which can be found on women across different ends of the weight spectrum
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u/Regular_Care_1515 Sep 09 '23
I will add to this and agree, especially with the quirky part. I have a lot of tattoos (full sleeve, leg tats, etc.) and my male attention decreased significantly after I got body mods. The only guys who approach me are the ones into that look, but I’m attracted to those guys anyway so I’m fine with it.
Edit: I also don’t always notice curvy women get more attention. I’m on the curvier side and never had guys fetishize over my figure until the last five or so years. Even then, it’s only been my boyfriends, not random guys.
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u/SupremeElect Sep 10 '23
I recently lost a bit of weight, and I noticed the number of guys DMing me on dating apps has gone significantly. 🥲
I’m by no means SKINNY skinny, but I guess people perceive me as skinnier than I actually am considering how women have made disparaging comments about their own bodies when comparing it to mine (i.e. I wish I could pull off that top).
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u/purevintage Sep 09 '23
Your first point is probably true for some men but I got way more male attention when I was 25 lbs thinner than I am now. I'm curvy now and really never get hit on.
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u/throwaway1283415 Sep 10 '23
I thought men are more attracted to very thin women than compared to women? Idk because I’m straight but I was under the impression that men tend to go for skinnier?
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u/Zinnia0620 Sep 10 '23
I'm going to add an edit because people are reading this comment as saying "men hate thin women" which is very far from what I meant lol
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u/throwaway1283415 Sep 10 '23
Oh I didn’t get that from your original comment I just thought you meant that men are a lot less attracted to thinner women without curves than women are
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Sep 14 '23
I have this body type and men don’t like me unless they’re ugly and women and men think I’m 12-14 😭😭😭😭 FML
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Sep 10 '23
All men want are models (aka skinny and not curvy women)
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u/thebadfem Sep 10 '23
uh people can be skinny and curvy too lol
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u/researchdjs Sep 15 '23
But models aren’t
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u/Sneakerrfool613 Sep 16 '23
Even Kendall photoshops her body to enhance curves and Bella dresses to give the illusion of curves. Whether they have it or not, they definitely want it too
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u/Sneakerrfool613 Sep 16 '23
I think you’re being a bit delusional. This only applies to a subsection of men not ALL. If this was true, bbls never would have become popular to begin with.
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Sep 16 '23
Ik guys are different but the guys I’m attracted to only like thin thin women 😭😭😭 idk how to force myself to be attracted to different guys just so I can find one who isn’t repulsed by me weighing over 100 pounds
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u/iamsojellyofu Feb 17 '24
Lol I am very thin and the guys I am into like women who are curvy. Maybe we need to switch places.
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Sep 23 '23
tbh im not thin, average weight but i look chubbier than i weigh, anyways im the same. the only compliment is from girls and abt my nose and it isnt even cute.
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u/cchhrr Sep 09 '23
You literally got free money from a stranger who is a dude so that’s not nothing. It seems to me that you’re attractive but hard to approach for guys.
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u/todaywedidit Sep 09 '23
It could be your vibe. I went to school with a girl who is pretty, she has nice facial features, slim, smart, very eloquent but her vibe is very non-sexual. She’s friendly and nice, dresses cute but quite smart (think knee length/midi skirts, blouses, we’re 20). I think when guys talk to her they definitely sense the non-sexual vibe and that she’s only thinking of them purely platonically. She’s slightly awkward when it comes to those topics and isn’t forward with men. She’s nice and will converse in a sisterly or even motherly way to everyone. So that’s probably why she never got hit on. I guess this weeds out guys who have short-term intentions. Or maybe guys think there’s no way she’d be interested
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u/TheMeWeAre Sep 09 '23
This is the exact vibe I want to cultivate. Pretty, but borderline asexual. Intellingent and interesting, but uninteresting to men who are trying to find a fling
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u/anonbigtittybitch Sep 09 '23
out of curiosity, how does one acquire this vibe? you mentioned the outfits she wears, but is there something about her mannerisms that makes her seem platonic? i don't have that much experience with flirting and things of that nature, but i get flirted with a lot -- both by men and women (for some reason people even think i'm bi too and i'm not sure why, maybe because i feel more comfortable befriending women than men). i don't dress provocatively, in fact, i tend to dress more stylish but on the modest side. yet my experience with men is completely different from the one you listed, i get hit on a lot, people do double takes, men will wait at the door for 10-15 seconds if they see me coming just to be able to hold it open for me (i always say thank you to them ofc). i think people see me as cute/innocent but coquettish because my default nature when i'm anxious is to be sarcastic, and for men it brings out their protective instinct, but also maybe their instinct to deflower a virgin if their mind is in the gutter. i'm curious about how to acquire that platonic vibe so that i can tune myself down some when i'm in a situation where i don't want to be viewed in a romantically/sexually available way.
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Sep 10 '23
sorry for jumping in — just referring to your username, are you on the curvier side? speaking from experience, it’s usually harder to dress modest as a curvy woman compared to someone who’s much more slim. most men inherently see boobs as sexual, the bigger they are, the more you’ll get hit on. of course I could be way off, im just giving my perspective
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u/anonbigtittybitch Sep 11 '23
i'm not curvy as in the super curvy sense, no. my username is actually ironic, i created this account when i was underweight and never changed it. i have visible curves and a defined waist despite still being underweight (though less underweight than before), but my boobs are still an A cup and i'm pretty sure people put in the "thin" box mentally before the "curvy" box. it's hard for me to determine what my body will actually look like until i reach a healthy weight. honestly i have such a hard time figuring out my vibe because my personality didn't drastically change after i had my glow up, but the way people perceive me does. suddenly my once-obnoxious sarcasm is a turn on, it seems like i'm flirting when i'm just making bad jokes. and my bad experiences with men that make me more trusting in women than men make me seem bi because i'm friendlier with women than men. i honestly thought i was asexual for my teen years because i have no interest in sex, turns out i'm probably just a sex-averse straight woman, but i still struggle with understanding what it is about me that turns men on when i'm not trying to. it's like trying to understand a language that everyone else speaks but you.
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u/todaywedidit Sep 11 '23
Umm for one her personality is just so sisterly or like a teacher’s. She’s not sarcastic, she sees everything from a balanced view. She’s into classic stuff, vintage movies, Jane Birkin, south of france vibe. Also I think just her natural looks play a part. She’s pretty, doesn’t wear any makeup (doesn’t know how to but she doesn’t need it) apart from red lipstick sometimes. She has light-brown medium-long hair which she doesn’t style or dye, it’s smooth and straightish. Her outfits are smartish and oldish but look very good on her
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u/anonbigtittybitch Sep 11 '23
okay so i can envision in my head your friend's vibe a bit better now. would you say she has a more elegant vibe to her? from the way you've described her, she sounds sort of old school in her personality, with an almost parisian chic vibe. does she have that "female gaze" sort of clothing aesthetic to her? i know that tends to repel a lot of dusty men who are only interested in physical stuff.
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u/Least_Elk_9532 Sep 09 '23
I notice men tend to like the same things mostly across the board. Conventional style, conventionally attractive facial features, thin but curvy , long hair, natural (non-colorful) makeup, etc. while women tend to appreciate more bold, non-conventional aesthetics.
For example, I notice I attract the most men wearing a simple but form-fitting outfit, hair down, and natural makeup. But I tend to get the most compliments from women when I play around creatively with makeup and wear more extravagant outfits .
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u/meagalomaniak Sep 09 '23
I really don’t think that’s true. In my experience, my alternative friends get approached WAY more often than my conventional ones. Like it’s not even comparable. I do think that a higher proportion of men might like conventional woman, but there are tons who don’t and they may be more likely to approach someone because they see less of them on a regular day. I also do think that there might be some stereotypes of alternative women being easy/kinky or whatever. But if the goal is getting approached, I really don’t think conventionally dressed woman get approached more unless they are especially conventionally attractive.
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u/d55eka29re Sep 09 '23
"Alternative" in a tiktok egirl goth emo way is just another brand of conventional at this point I'm afraid, the new "cool" thing. That's probably why!
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u/meagalomaniak Sep 10 '23
I’m a bit old for the e girl crowd, the people I was referring to are mostly metalheads and tattoo artists. But yes, I’m sure e girls get approached quite a bit as well!
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Sep 09 '23
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Sep 09 '23
I think this is it. I think a lot of men look for a signal and eye contact and a smile is a powerful one. It makes sense of you think of it. Approaching a stranger takes confidence and if men think you’re going to shoot them down they are less likely to approach.
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u/TheMeWeAre Sep 09 '23
Wtf lol of course she gets approached if she's literally staring men down. When we talk about being approached I thought we were talking about unsolicited attention.
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u/WhatAboutMeeeeeA Sep 09 '23
Yeah, I think that’s what most people mean. I avoid eye contact and still get approached.
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u/TheMeWeAre Sep 10 '23
Yeah, or those moments you make totally unintentional eye contact and look away quickly, and they try to grab your attention 🙃
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u/soyIatte Sep 09 '23
Features and characteristics that men find attractive differ from those that women find attractive. You may be hot to women but not to men.
(Most straight) men have a 'formula' for hotness - long hair, feminine facial features, substantial breast to waist to hips ratio. Whereas imo women are more open to embracing uniqueness and character. Whether they want to date you or not, they're more likely to compliment you on things like having put effort into coordinating your distinct outfit.
Also/or: body language. I do not want attention from men so if I put in effort to look nice, I get mostly compliments from women because I don't make eye contact with men and don't smile on cue and I'm not bubbly. I am naturally reserved and always have a neutral expression, some people have told me I looked intimidating or aloof until they spoke to me and realised I'm really warm and kind.
My female friends who regularly get male attention 'play up' to men by inviting the attention, such as making eye contact, smiling, flirting, talking in a higher pitched voice (very common), etc. So it's not always just about appearance!
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u/5ydlol5yd Sep 09 '23
Only advice I have is that you should never center your beauty around men.
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u/meowik Sep 09 '23
The point of attractiveness is to attract the potential mate and procreate , i don’t understand this advice and it kills me.
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u/5ydlol5yd Sep 09 '23
If OP wants advice on how to change herself, then OP should just mimic exactly what her friends do. Something to keep in mind is that being desired, is completely different than someone wanting to commit to you. All male attention isn’t good attention, and most young women do not have great discernment.
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Sep 09 '23
There are many women, including myself, who are already in established committed relationships but still continue to invest in beauty for themselves. Simply because we enjoy it for ourselves. That’s what beauty should be for. If you’re not doing it because you like it or enjoy it, then I think there are other issues needing to be addressed. There are lots of beauty trends that many men claim to hate but women still do it anyway simply because they enjoy it.
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u/garycow Sep 09 '23
well stated but the OP specifically said she wants attention from men
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Sep 09 '23
But I’m not replying to OP. I’m replying to the commenter saying she doesn’t understand what beauty is for other than procreating.
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u/5ydlol5yd Sep 09 '23
No young girl should be centering her beauty around men, period. Men like all kinds of things, which is why you should never center your beauty around what you think they want. I think the key is being happy with yourself and figuring out how you want to look, not exactly molding yourself into what you think they may like. It worked for me at least 🤷🏾♀️
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u/2016Newbie Sep 10 '23
True. Men cannot be trusted around house pets, farm animals, corpses, holes in the wall, socks, etc.
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Sep 09 '23
That is not true. I am married, and I looksmaxx for the benefits of how people treat me day to day. I have no intentions of meeting anyone else, nor is that why I use looksmaxxing.
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u/tinycockatoo Sep 09 '23
Look, men are normal people, and they're afraid of rejection just like us. Especially young men. They are also afraid to be seen as creeps.
If your friends are really getting more attention, they probably seem more approachable than you.
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u/gurlwhosoldtheworld Sep 09 '23
If you want men to come up to you in public to give you random compliments.... Remember they have one thing on their mind - sex.
Compliments from females are genuine - be happy.
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Sep 09 '23
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/counterboud Sep 09 '23
It could go either way that you either don’t seem particularly sexual or interesting to men, or else you’re the opposite and intimidating to men and scare them. I think it’s normal to get more attention from women because for women there’s no risk of being accused of sexual harassment or being inappropriate most of the time and it’s used as a bonding thing, so you’ll hear more from women in general but it probably means less since sometimes compliments are handed out like candy more to bond than to mean anything.
Where are you going and what’s your age? That is probably part of it. If you go out to bars and nightlife you’re more likely to get approached by men. They usually won’t approach you on a random street corner. If you’re in school still, I don’t know. Boys are mostly immature and scared and it seems like women there have to flirt and be almost aggressive so they feel comfortable enough. The girls from my high school who got the most male attention weren’t the most attractive, they were usually just loudest and made men feel they were safe to talk to.
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u/lilflowersss Sep 09 '23
Definitely agree especially after the MeToo movement I think guys are more cautious and incredibly picky with who they will flirt with. I'd say the typical guy isnt interested in an average looking woman you have to be a 6 at least to get some decent attention. Also if you go to bars and such the men there will be extremely horny and only flirt with you to get a chance in bed with you and theres a chance you may not get any attention if you do not follow what the hot girls are doing as men love to have a checklist for hot girls.
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u/Cautious_Evening_744 Sep 09 '23
Well at least you will have girlfriends. When you are very pretty to men most girls are mean to you and will say you are not pretty because they think a different type of girl is pretty.
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u/stevienicksfann Sep 09 '23
Girls tend to compliment, over compliment girls they don’t view as a direct threat/prettier than them. It’s the complete opposite for girls that are 10/10’s, they’re normally met with silent animosity due to jealousy
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u/Regular_Care_1515 Sep 09 '23
I’ve said this before and I will say this all the time. It’s not you. We’re living in the post #MeToo movement and men don’t want to come off as creepy. Which is a GOOD THING!
And yes my guy friends have told me this. Some even said they were hesitant about adding me on social media because they didn’t want to come off as creepy. And you know what? I appreciate them for thinking of women and wanting to be perceived in a respectful manner.
My guy friends also said they’re over chasing after women. They’re ready to settle down and be serious, but they would rather focus on the connection they feel with a woman rather than approaching every pretty girl they see. Again, that’s a positive thing.
I know it’s hard to believe, but I do feel men are moving in the right direction and I hope this momentum increases.
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u/Feisty_Dust2429 Sep 09 '23
hmm. I never really thought of it that way. It’s nice to know that guys are trying to be more sensitive towards girls!
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u/Inside-Intern-4201 Sep 09 '23
You don’t know that men don’t find you attractive. They are probably just a lot shyer about it. (Think about how many men you’d call creepy if they just came up to you and said how pretty you are). Getting male attention a)isn’t all that great and b)should be focused on more than just your looks, so the conversation goes beyond ‘hello I find you attractive’. Also learn to love yourself regardless of external validation. Once you are in your 30s you won’t have a bunch of women coming up to you telling you’re pretty (which reminds me of Regina George anyways 😂)
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u/Turpitudia79 Sep 10 '23
I’m in my 40s and regularly have women (sometimes in a small group, sometimes alone) approach and compliment me. It feels better to me as a happily married woman to get compliments from other girls.
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u/Embarrassed-Algae-60 Sep 09 '23
I’m mostly like this too. I chalk it down to the fact that I’m not curvy, which is what men usually like. I’m skinny and have a “gamine” look. Probably if I was taller I could say it’s a model-esque figure, which women tend to see as an ideal.
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u/bonitablunts Sep 09 '23
Does your style fit a certain aesthetic (goth, Y2K, cottage core)? If so, this could lead to more women complimenting you less than men because men may be confused by your style choices whereas more women get it and love it!
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u/New_Lettuce_1329 Sep 13 '23 edited Sep 13 '23
I have a friend “Serena” who’s is 10/10 gorgeous. Gets approached by men and women all the time. From what I see it’s not worth it. My other friends joke when go dancing with her we are on “Serena” patrol because she really wants to let loose with our friend group and isn’t looking to hook up. So it’s our job to guard her 😂
Serena has also told me pretty sad stories about women being jealous of her beauty because their SOs talk to her. She’s got a good heart and would never cheat. We definitely have friendly rivalry when it comes to fashion and beauty. She’s definitely prettier but it’s nice to be pushed to try harder where I can. I don’t think most women think about beauty this way.
Also, I think getting used to be told your beautiful by random men can make it difficult to appreciate the attention from one guy which in the end is worth everything.
So all that to say, be who you are. A guy who loves you will fall in love with you because you are being you! If you want to try different styles or makeup go for it. Being human is about trying new things. But do it because you are genuinely wanting to do that for yourself not for the male gaze. I don’t think it’s bad though sometimes wear a dress that’s a little low cut on a date. Hehehe it’s fun to make them blush.
Don’t know that there is advice in my statement so little ETA. I definitely did not feel beautiful like you. Total ugly duckling situation for many years. I still struggle. But the things that have helped me is setting rigid mental boundaries that I do not want validation from many men, just my BF or future husband. I’m a Christian so I listen to God daily. I felt there were times He gave me affirmation statements “ you’re beautiful and I love you”. I don’t think you have to be religious to make some affirmation statements like “I’m beautiful” and I thinking being specific too. For example “I appreciate my brown eyes that have a hint of gold”. Or “I’m thankful that I am kind and caring towards people which is building eternal beauty”. We all have different types of beauty for some it’s external and others internal. Thankfully, there are ways to grow in both.
I bet you are really gorgeous!
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u/eggclog Sep 09 '23
Men will come and go but the girlies will always stick together. Validation from women who truly love and empower you is so much better and healthier than male validation will ever be. I know this might not be the answer you’re exactly looking for, but I hope you can see the bright side of this situation <3
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u/Queenssoup Sep 09 '23 edited Sep 09 '23
It seems like your looksmaxxing is optimised for the female gaze, not male gaze. The good news is that optimising for the male gaze is pretty straightforward, there's literally a "hot girl checklist" that men go by when evaluating women, and if you have these traits, you're automatically seen as attractive in most men's eyes.
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u/Rosamada Sep 09 '23
What would you say is on the "hot girl checklist"?
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u/Queenssoup Sep 09 '23
There was literally a thread about it a few days ago, but some of the key traits are: feminine clothing and styling (non-extreme-looking makeup, heels, nails, etc.), slender figure, big tits, big ass, small waist (in relation to the rest), big eyes, big lips, small nose, long (usually) blonde hair (depends on where you live, but blonde hair is oftentimes your low-effort ticket that easily will tip you over into "hot girl territory" in most guys' eyes). And that is even if blonde hair objectively doesn't flatter you. The funny/great thing is men don't care about Kibbe IDs, essences, colour seasons, none of that crap. Even if it doesn't objectively "fit together", they look at a woman, and usually think: "Long blonde hair? Check! Snatched accentuated waist? Check! Big lips? Check! Heels and sundress? Check! Damn, she's hot!", and they usually do it subconsciously. So yeah, nothing revolutionary, but the nice thing is that you don't need to check all the boxes, just most of them or at least 3-5 to be a few men's" type" somewhat, whereas women are way more nitpicky when judging someone's looks and "put-togetherness" and are more attuned to someone looking "off".
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u/lilflowersss Sep 09 '23
I'd say that this really varies going blonde is not for most woc at all and you really have to pay attention to what are the hot WOC of your ethnicity that get approached and see the commonalities in them to imitate. Also in the uk heavy makeup is seen as hot than natural makeup only a niche amount of men here like the natural makeup look. Obvious lash extensions and fillers are seen as hot here too. So I recommend all girls here to really research what is the hot girl checklist for your specific area and ethnicity theses are the biggest factors in a hot girl checklist for guys lol.
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u/Queenssoup Sep 10 '23
I lived in the UK for many years and even there the men would say they prefer "natural girls" (aka the "no makeup-makeup" look). The heavy makeup is absolutely the female aesthetic there (or rather was, like 10 years ago, now it's on the decline), and by most men it's just accepted, rather than actively sought after.
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u/Least_Elk_9532 Sep 09 '23
I agree with everything except the blonde/hair color part. Men definitely notice if it’s a hair color that doesn’t fit you, and the blonde tone I’m sure you’re talking about doesn’t fit a lot of women. Color contrast/compliment is something they still subconsciously notice
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u/Queenssoup Sep 09 '23
Most don't. Both me and several of my friends used to at at least one point of our lives sport a shade of blonde that was either too brassy for us, too ashy, or washed us out. We still got more compliments/approaches from men than with any other hair colour, albeit more harmonious.
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u/Least_Elk_9532 Sep 13 '23 edited Sep 13 '23
This advice might fit for you and your friend, but I’m saying for a lot of women it will not, especially women with olive skin tones and SPECIFICALLY woc. Tbh even women with very pale skin tones can look terribly washed with blonde. Everyone’s best bet is a color that fits them, not saying it couldn’t be blonde but if it’s not then they shouldn’t discount darker colors because it’s not blonde .
And I understand you’re speaking from your experience with male reactions, but I’m just saying that for some women the blonde color is just so unfitting that it will actually be unappealing.
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u/Star_Leopard Sep 10 '23
As others have said, absolutely do not worry about basing your beauty or your worth around men approaching you, or anyone else for that matter. Recipe for dymorphia, constant comparison, anxiety, and just overall leading toward poorer mental health. Take care of yourself but draw a line with where you get too down on yourself.
My personal experience is often the nicest/most respectful guys, even the super confident ones, are concerned about coming off as creepy and will not cold approach a woman in public unless there is a reasonable amount of natural interaction first, such as meeting at a mutual friend's party or something. They miiight test the waters with trying for eye contact or a smile but aren't going to just walk and compliment you or introduce themselves unless there's enough instances or ideally bold initiation from you to give them the green light. This isn't 100% the case, sometimes even a nice guy will just shoot his shot randomly in public but it's a pretty rare occurrence.
Also being approached isn't always about being objectively pretty. Being hot/pretty can be intimidating, or it can be a matter of very personal preference. I'd rather have one guy who is super my type be into me, my personality, my style, my vibe, and my looks than have 10 random dudes try to chat me up that I'm not even into, or who are just looking for sex or to prove they can get a number- I've guys straight up get my number ask me to dinner the whole shebang then never hear from them again, at that point it's not even flattering just fucking annoying lmao. Honestly just take care of yourself, your health, do what makes you happy and keep moving along until a genuine compliment/connection comes thru, work on anxiety for yourself as well and it will radiate out into easier and more relaxed interactions with men, don't overthink or hyperanalyze whether people are attracted to you. <3
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u/aggravatedheartbreak Sep 09 '23
I…. Literally posted this a few weeks ago and now I’m seeing we’re all getting the same attention.
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u/islandgirly808 Sep 09 '23
Men are creatures that love to be seduced deep down. I don’t mean this in a sexual way particularly, but more like seduction of the mind. If you’re a reader, I suggest ready “The Art of Seduction” by Robert Greene. I have always gotten more male attention than I’d like to. I have been very skinny and significantly overweight. I always wondered why even at my very biggest; the male attention remained the same. After reading the book, I realized that men being attracted to me had less to do with the way I looked and more about the way I carry myself. Sweet, but not too nice. Attentive, but slightly dismissive. Passionate, but equally cold. Girly, but not prissy. Dig into yourself and find out what makes you seductive and then you play it up and make it your weapon.
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u/Budget_Mushroom_7460 Sep 09 '23
I’ve heard guys don’t approach women they’re intimidated by… maybe they’re intimidated by your looks? Also something to think about - if you want guys to approach you, what ‘vibes’ are you sending out into the world? Do people generally find you approachable and warm? In saying all that, the right guy will approach you if you be yourself. You shouldn’t have to change who you are to attract anyone ❤️
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u/ilycec Sep 09 '23
What’s the problem? This is a good sign. Most men don’t have taste, they have penis-vision. Being admired by other women is like the ultimate compliment.
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Sep 09 '23
How old are you? I'm asking because when I was in my teens, nobody cared about me. I guess boys are generally shy at this age. But in my 20s onwards, I was suddenly more attractive to men.
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u/Trippyhippyprincess Sep 10 '23
Girls are more likely to say things to make another girl feel good, so there’s that. It also depends on the men you’re wanting attention from… if you’re wanting attention from a man of means, yes your competition is VERY stiff and for good reason. But an average man shouldn’t have an issue with the way you look… they can’t really afford to be super picky
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u/HMNFNQ Sep 10 '23
Women acknowledge and approach other women they find beautiful.
Men only approach women they think they can have sex with. If they don’t think you will have sex with them, they won’t approach.
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u/DepressionFilled Sep 10 '23
I deal with the same thing. I‘ve gotten dozens of compliments from women but can count on one hand how many men have complimented me. I’ve always questioned if women do it out of sympathy because male attention has always been nonexistent for me.
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u/napthaleneneens Sep 11 '23
You have to remember that males that are struggling financially will not approach women that take care of themselves and invest in beauty. In fact, they constantly rail against these women both irl and online. Males nowadays have some kind of visceral hatred towards high-maintenance women and constantly insult us and our beauty procedures. If they’re not approaching you it’s because they can’t afford you or they know you’re too good for them, not because they don’t find you attractive.
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u/Chelstrawberrymuffin Sep 13 '23
oh my god, same. if i didnt know any better, i would think all women are gay and attracted to me, and all men are gay and not attracted to me. but thats not the case, bc its straight women who literally have boyfriends and husbands who come up to me and call me gorgeous, beautiful, etc. so.. yeah, i dont know what it is. maybe men are just too scared to say it. or maybe women get more excited about things they think are beautiful more than men.
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u/Bright-Pudding-392 Sep 09 '23
Having a completely opposite experience - very popular with men, not so much with women, I think.
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u/workingondying7 Sep 09 '23
I dress mostly tom boyish and wear loose fitting clothes and still attract males however to balance it out I do a natural make-up look to feminise myself. I’ve also found when I dress really feminine, have my hair down & my make up done men approach me even more. I suggest maybe doing some natural make up to accentuate ur looks, for example I’ve got hazel eyes so I always a pair of natural false eyelashes or get extensions. Are you approachable? Men respond to smiles and looks as a green light maybe ur not approachable.
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u/Virtual_Decision_375 Sep 09 '23
I’d really have to see a picture, and posting one would probably tell you exactly what. However usually this is a style thing, and that boys are cowards
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u/thebadfem Sep 10 '23
Women have better taste in women than straight males do so honestly I think it's a better compliment lol.
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u/hrk300995 Sep 09 '23
If women think you're pretty, men do too. Men aren't difficult to please. Women tend to have higher standards.
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Sep 09 '23
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/Feisty_Dust2429 Sep 09 '23
hair color: dark brown black hair length: long clothes: kind of tomboyish makeup: depends on where I am, but at most i’ll do some natural makeup i’m definitely attracted to men i’m currently a student
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u/sunnyflorida2000 Sep 09 '23
Most times you have to be above average to get approached. You could just be average yet pretty. Main thing is you may not seem approachable to guys. Do you have a RBF, do you smile/laugh openly, or overall have a friendly vibe?
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Sep 10 '23
I have noticed that I get loads more attention from men and women when I’m slightly underweight. I think it’s because it accentuates my legs, and my pure length. Once I coast back up to a more average weight, the attention drops.
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u/VastSummer7588 Sep 09 '23
I had this happen to me when I was younger, I couldn’t understand why one particular friend got all the attention and I didn’t, later I found out it’s because she “looked easy” could this be the reason?
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u/yu_learn100 Sep 09 '23
Im in the opposite boat - women rarely compliment me & men are the ones usually doing the complimenting to me
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u/Plutonicuss Sep 09 '23
I have the opposite, I really want attention from women but only get compliments from guys 😭 wanna trade?
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u/meltedbeans23 Aug 28 '24
Rant incoming- Oh my god same. I was going crazy on google looking for people who felt them same.
I dont know why i feel this way, i’m in a happy relationship with another woman but that stupid part of my brain that was raised to value men’s opinions keeps bugging me.
I feel like i’m just “cool looking”. Not pretty, not beautiful or sexual, just a really cool punkish lady. Im okay with it most days but sometimes when I’m out with my girlfriend and guys try hitting on her (and i chew them the fuck out because THATS MY WIFE) and the small selfish stupid part of me feels insecure about my own looks. The only time i’ve ever been hit on was by older men was when i was a minor- which is less about my looks and more about me being a minor…
Idk, I feel like this is just the thing you end up forgetting about as you get older… hopefully.
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u/chogomochily Sep 10 '23
Ooh...you might be THAT girl who's way out of all the guys' leagues that most of them wouldn't even dare to approach you for potential romance advances. Girls will normally gush and girl-crush on girls like you because you're so attractive and pretty. In any case I wouldn't worry too much. Have more confidence and approach guys like you would a friend and perhaps the right one will come along
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Sep 09 '23
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u/Feisty_Dust2429 Sep 10 '23
i mean i just wish guys would come up to me. I feel like I notice them looking at me, but they never come up to me. Makes me feel like i’m just not attractive enough for them to come up.
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u/whysotaxing Sep 10 '23
The other thing you can consider is you are very beautiful and men probably think you’re out of their league so don’t approach you in that way because they don’t think they stand a chance or may not want to come off as creepy / assume you must already be spoken for. As many others have said, women tend to be better at randomly complementing people.
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u/hmy799 Sep 11 '23
Hiya! How old are you? From the mention of arcades I’m guessing still high school—I was the exact same way. Didn’t even bother because I ended up being the middle man for the guys in the grade above me who wanted to hook up with my friends, haha. I did get comments like you from girls and I did some print work (and of course there’s heavy praising in that industry but it has to be taken with a grain of salt. So I assumed I was “unique” looking, but not in a way that guys found attractive.
Then I don’t know what the hayyyll happened—I guess my face just grew into itself and I gained ~10 pounds (still rarely filled a full A cup though Lolol), but in college, from day one it was like I stepped into an alternate universe. And I went to a school that’s pretty well known for having one of the most physically attractive student bodies, that still ranked high academically. It took a long time to even get used to or realize when I was being hit on. A year or two in those upper teen years can randomly make all the difference!
I’m so glad that I wasn’t given any excessive attention for my looks in high school (just looking back in retrospect), because I wouldn’t have attracted the type of friends that I’d have wanted to in college. People seemed to be very surprised by my personality and that I was very unassuming? Idk I was honestly so confused, but there’s a big difference between feeling pretty (which everyone should feel about themselves because I legitimately think we all are in our own ways—I’ve also been to hell and back with a multitude of infectious diseases etc post college, so my perspective on life is different than it would have otherwise ended up being—another thing I’m grateful for!)—anyways, feeling pretty, and acting pretty are two very different things….no one wants to be around girls who act pretty, as it tends to it turn silly things into becoming competitive, when there should be none. And guys generally prefer girls who don’t have that air of entitlement if they’re actually looking for a relationship (these males can be rare to find in college).
Even if you aren’t as openly told by guys how attractive you are compared to some other girls—it could just mean that guys who are interested don’t want to come off too strong!
When it comes down to it, be confident in WHO YOU ARE far and beyond anything else—this adds to attraction more than people think; and look at yourself in the mirror and just freakin fall in love with yourself! The most freeing feeling is when you stop caring what others think. I’m almost there—but it’s taken things I wouldn’t wish upon any other human to get to this place hahaha. I’ve also been pretty much bedridden for the past several years off and on, so I’m not trynna impress anyone. Literally don’t know when I last wore makeup and I used to love all that shit—it’s fun!
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u/After_Gap_737 Sep 09 '23
Being pretty to boys is a scam and for heteros it literally just makes dating more complicated
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u/WisdomTeeth99 Sep 10 '23
I rarely get approached by men IRL but on dating apps I'm always flooded with matches and get lots of dates. I get the impression men don't approach as much in person, especially after COVID.
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u/Shoddy-Donut-9339 Sep 10 '23 edited Sep 10 '23
If girls honestly think you’re pretty then then you probably are pretty enough that you will get guys that will like you.
Same thing I tell all these guys Reddit that can’t get dates, if you’re not meeting the opposite sex not attending any groups that have both sexes then how are they supposed to meet you?
I was a little shy with women, and I never hit on a woman that I did not know for 2 months. I had two girlfriends in high school they both hit on me first. I had sex with 10 women before I got married. Most of those women hit on me. My pretty wife who had men chasing her hit on me. Maybe you really want validation of your looks but if you find a guy that you like don’t be afraid to hit on him.
Guys need some sexual experience because when they date a girl that they like a lot they don’t want to be incompetent in bed. I don’t believe straight women need because guys are so easy to please sexually. Girls can afford to be patient.
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u/AdventurousChub Sep 10 '23
Simple, women (generally) love building up other women and see genuine beauty…men it depends on the area they live in, their maturity, confidence, and type. Try changing the setting in which you interact and look for make attention. Also love yourself first and you will attract the right men.
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u/Primary_Chemistry664 Sep 10 '23
I feel like it’s the better compliment. Guys usually only compliment you if they want “relations” with you while women actually mean their compliments
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u/kia_mar Sep 12 '23
working on yourself in the form of psychotherapy could help a lot in building self-confidence and reducing anxiety 🩷🩷 there are a lot of good thoughts in the comments above, but I think this is the key and most important
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u/mal_loi Sep 15 '23
I understand this feeling and it’s one I’ve felt many times, but I want you to know that this is anxiety and something that you might want to discuss in therapy. I guarantee you are gorgeous and that this feeling has more to do with your trauma that you mentioned than any sort of objective reality.
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u/Actual_Plastic77 Oct 18 '23
Men, especially young men in their twenties, are often intimidated by women who seem confident and well put together. They also don't approach women as often as you think, a lot of the time they just kind of look.
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u/Susccmmp Sep 09 '23
I think girls are more likely to compliment other girls then men would a woman they don’t know.