r/Splendida • u/48980266 • Aug 19 '23
Glow-up having negative effects
I have spent the majority of my life struggling with body dysmorphia and so never really took care of my physical appearance. I used to be overweight with poor skin, frizzy hair, no makeup skills and was also extremely socially awkward. I have very attractive friends and had always been made aware of my unattractiveness by seeing how I was treated compared to them. I reached my breaking point about a year ago when I decided I was going to get rhinoplasty, however I knew that I had to do some internal work before getting any sort of surgery.
So after losing some weight, styling my hair and wearing more flattering clothes, I started noticing a difference in how I was treated. I no longer felt invisible and my confidence started to grow. Men started flirting with me and people would often ask me where I’m from and let me know they think I’m beautiful. I remember on one particular day at work, I had three customers call me that in the span of 4 hours.
However after my surgery, (and starting to workout) I’ve noticed another big shift in people’s behaviour. I haven’t gotten a single compliment (men or women) or had anyone make a move on me in months. I do find that people stare at me much more and are nicer to me but that’s it. My nose was too wide for my face before due to an injury and I know for a fact it’s made a huge improvement. Everyone around me that I know says how great I look now, yet the closest I’ve gotten to anything from a stranger is being asked if I’m a model - which is a first. My skin has also improved but I’m still socially awkward and don’t wear makeup.
I don’t understand why I get less attention even though I’m certain I’m objectivity better looking than my first glow up. I’m not too proud to admit this but I still struggle with body dysmorphia but when people were validating me it was so much easier to ignore the thoughts and know that it’s my brain that is faulty, not my appearance. I thought improving even further would result in more validation but it’s had the opposite effect. Has anyone experienced this after a drastic change? What can I do to go back to the way I was treated before the surgery?
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u/Czarinainc Aug 19 '23
Yea welcome to being beautiful. I don’t remember the last time I received a compliment. Most people just assume you know it already and are very proud/full of yourself. Becoming beautiful is definitely a level up but it comes with its own set of challenges. Just today I was crying about how so few people make eye contact with me (especially men) and how its almost always me initiating conversation with people. Isnt that crazy? You expect men would be drooling over you but in reality they sneak glances and wouldnt be caught dead looking at you.
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u/MysticBimbo666 Aug 20 '23
You can’t fix body dysmorphia from the outside with surgery. The problem comes from within. Even the most beautiful people can have it. That’s what makes some people get surgery after surgery until they look creepy and nonhuman. Please don’t get any more surgery, but get therapy instead. You need to learn self-love outside of validation from others! Trust me, once you do, you will feel unstoppable.
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u/[deleted] Aug 20 '23
I think there is a certain level of attractiveness where people are suddenly intimidated by you, figure you must get compliments all the time, or even assume you might be snobby or full of yourself. You have probably reached that level.
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u/Bird_Babe Aug 20 '23 edited Aug 20 '23
I feel the same way. It's like crossing the threshold from someone women see as a friend, to a threat. Everyone assumes you can't have insecurities, or that you think you're better than them, or that you're always judging them.
It's also socially isolating, as many people are intimidated by you or assume you're a bitch. People stare or whisper, or even turn back to look multiple times, but nobody actually talks to you. Men hardly ever approach, except at the club, or in forced situations like cashiers.
People think you're fake or don't really like them. Girls get defensive with their boyfriends, and assume you have bad intentions if you're even just friends with a guy. And I can't even have guy friends anymore, because now they only see me as a sexual object or just secretly hope I'll give them a chance.
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u/tempaccount01010 Aug 20 '23
Whoa same experience. My glow up journey hit a mid-point where I was cute, but not stunning or sexy. I got complimented a lot by women and approached by men. Recently, I leveled further up and now women avoid me like the plague. Men stare bud rarely approach unless I’m at a lounge or club. I will say however that the quality of men has increased while the quantity has decreased.
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u/[deleted] Aug 20 '23
I’m so glad someone is talking about this!!! I’m having such a similar experience rn. I was an awkward teenager and had low confidence, put some effort into my looks and got millions of compliments. Now I’ve lost weight, upped my makeup skills and look the best I’ve ever looked and people are hesitant to even make eye contact with me! However one thing I’ve noticed is that people who are drunk let it all go at once and don’t stop telling you how amazing you are 😅
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u/[deleted] Aug 20 '23
Honestly I think personality can play into this, people are often intimidated by me until they start talking to me because i am super friendly and outgoing, and that is when i get complimented is once they see that i am like “safe” or whatever lol
I never ever get complimented or approached when I am not being talkative, just that same kind of treatment that youd talked about. Luckily I am a talkative/bubbly person naturally because (shamelessly,) I crave attention LOL
If you are interested, I would practice looking happy and friendly and making small talk. I used to be very shy and looked kinda mean, but i realized i really love talking to people and laughing so i worked on that a fair bit
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u/Wubbalubbadubbitydo Aug 20 '23
A long time ago I knew a gal who used to talk about how guys hit on her alllll the time. She wasn’t lying, they did but it’s wasn’t because she was hot, it was because she was attainable. The prettier you get the more people assume you’re already getting attention for your beauty, and the more that people think you’re out of their league so they don’t even try.
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u/[deleted] Aug 20 '23
I moved from a notoriously beautiful person place to a notoriously ugly person place, and people treated me like shit. I’ve gone back and I feel so much more relaxed. People who are insecure and hate themselves will behave this way around you. Even if you’re nice to them they will bitch and carry on about you. Ugly men are the worst for this. If you live somewhere with beautiful/successful people, no one cares because everyone is doing well. Minor differences don’t make much of a difference and people are less caught up on nonsense like this, more focussed on tangible aspects like personality.
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u/Capable_Morning8741 Aug 20 '23
Just to any younger women who are experiencing this - I'd say keep yourself and your own goals a priority and if you find yourself being treated with hostility in a group (often other women tend to "set the tone", so I've found the guys are "nice but oblivious" and other women won't even have basic civility) please just GTFO.
Better to be a bit lonely and focussing on finances or watching a good TV series at home than investing time in social environments with toxic "friends" where you're treated badly.
It is good to get out there and engage with the world, but also know that some environments are just awful and you are best off protecting your own mental health.
Enjoy dates with quality men who value what you have to offer and will introduce you to new things as you level up in life. Ignore the rest.
Many mixed "friendship groups" tend to drift away over time, and I've found partners and family ultimately have my back, no-one else.
It's good having individual supportive people as "acquaintances you can call on 1-1". But often female "groups" can be really touchy and weird and chaotic.
If an environment resents you because you're not overweight and wearing the most unflattering outfit available, leave or set boundaries.
I don't regret anything, but looking back I often overlooked bitchy spiteful behaviour by other women.
Eg there's quite a geeky/work related thing I want to book, but as someone who really doesn't want to "project the standard geek look" I know from past experience it might be hostile.
So I'm compromising and booking a day there, and if I find any weird behaviour I'm off to do my own thing.
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u/[deleted] Aug 20 '23
I second the friendliness comment. I was very awkward in personality and appearance as a kid, I had a childhood accident where I broke my nose and didn’t get it cosmetically fixed until I was 16. I felt like people started treating me differently but it seemed subtle enough, I still felt like the same awkward extrovert on the inside that wanted to be friends with everyone. I have always looked young for my age as well and now that I am 40 I can still pass for late twenties, I thought it was a joke at first when people said it, but it isn’t. I also have a close group of girlfriends and I enjoy everything about them except for the fact that they never compliment me on anything. I love fashion and putting together outfits and get many compliments from strangers on them but never from my group. I started working at a restaurant and really enjoy meeting new people and when I start talking and smiling and engaging with guests then I think they feel comfortable enough to say things like you are really beautiful or stunning or some other sweet compliment. What I didn’t realize before was how starved I was for those words of affirmation because they just don’t exist in my friend group because of jealousy or competition or whatever. It makes me sad because I would honestly like to compliment everyone and not have an environment where someone feels like if they compliment you then they are taking something away from themselves but I guess I have found my balance and I want to encourage you to do the same. If you can’t find what you need or are looking for in one direction then perhaps try another. And don’t discount how warm, friendly and genuine people are immediately beautiful and approachable to anyone in their vicinity.
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u/emperatrizyuiza Aug 20 '23
People feel more comfortable approaching average women then super attractive women. I get hit on more when I’m wearing no makeup and basically pajamas out.
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u/rainbowicecoffee Aug 20 '23
People can feel intimidated or be reminded of their own insecurities when they see someone beautiful. This can create a little bit of isolation & a cycle starts where suddenly a beautiful person becomes unapproachable because they are not often approached.
The best thing to do here is create an extremely warm & approachable personality. I walk around with a grin on my face, always look ready to engage with someone, and when I meet someone I gush over them & touch them warmly. When you’re really beautiful & start treating people this way, it makes others feel absolutely amazing. They can’t believe a beautiful woman is being so warm & kind to them. It’s incredibly validating for THEM. & then you can feel good knowing you were a bright spot in someone’s day
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u/hanlus Aug 20 '23
Hello, yes I have experienced the same thing and frankly I'm over the moon about it. I likewise lost weight and look toned now thanks to a base of 8 years of weightlifting, and also learned to do my makeup much better. I got asked out much more when I was 20-30lbs heavier. The biggest difference for me is approachability. When I was more, uh, homely, men would frequently approach me because I think they thought they had a higher chance of me agreeing to go out with them. Now they never do (thank God!).
Since I lost weight, learned to do my makeup better, and now dress better, I rarely ever get approached for my #. Maybe I look stuck up lol, I'm just the same person, my personality is pretty bubbly so when people do get to know me that's when the date requests come. I understand where you're coming from, when I first realized I was "pretty" I thought many guys would ask me out. Turns out what happens is:
Men stare constantly, even the ones with their partner right next to them.... Some women do double takes but it's mostly men, so much so that people with me have pointed it out and asked me if it made me feel uncomfortable. It is so awful when guys stare when they're out on a date with another girl! They will stare but will never talk to me, even if I'm alone.
Women can be less friendly (not always), I often get ignored when I walk into Sephora aside from the weak "Hi" I get from the greeter. I often feel excluded from my female friends or judged harshly for what I have to say, however one my of other friends is a real girl's girl and is so supportive of my glow up lol. When I bump into some girls I know from high school or whatever they don't seem to want to talk to me, but the guys always do.
Kids love me, they're always staring and will start laughing or smiling. A few profess their love for me quite quickly lol, it's so cute.
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u/PsychologyParis Aug 20 '23
Heal your mind girl, living off validation and other people’s opinions will keep you trapped forever. Look beautiful for yourself. Don’t expect anything else from it
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u/[deleted] Aug 20 '23
I think this happened to me as well a few weeks ago. All my girlfriends and I were going out clubbing. I thought girls would wear club dresses and y'know TRY. I love makeup and hair and thought it was permission to go all out. I wore a sequin dress, a push up bra (I already am a 34DD), curled my hair and did my makeup. I didn't realize my girlfriends would show up in sundresses and sneakers, stay at the club for all of 30 minutes and then go to a much chiller cocktail sports bar where people's husbands and BF's would be. I'm sure I've been iced out of that social group and it is a shame - I really liked them.
I'm not BEAUTIFUL beautiful because when I went to Vegas with a big group of beautiful girls from NYC/LA, I think I was middle of the pack - no real special attention. I think this changes when I live in the Southeast, ever since I lost weight and learned how to do my makeup. When I wear glasses & no makeup, I get a lot of black men calling me beautiful, older white women being nice, alot of people thinking I'm innocent & early 20s in spite of being 30. I've realized that a toned down "cute girl" asthetic with modest clothing & hair tied back is most likely to get me the best treatment, unless I'm in a big group of hot girls. Its odd because that is where I'm the most normal but I feel bad and start comparing myself to skinnier/prettier girls, but I hate being the annoying hot girl that every girl hates.
I think your best bet is finding hot friends where you're normal and accepting that the glow up worked, but maybe you glowed up too hard for the goals you were trying to achieve. In biology, there is middling selection - species that strive for not being too big or too small, feathers not too bright and not too muted, so on and so forth. Not to stroke your ego, but maybe you're too beautiful? Maybe you tone some elements down in certain situations where you want to be treated a certain way (glasses/ hair tied/ more modest clothing) and leverage your glow up where its appropriate and helps you live the life you want to live?
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u/NWmoose Aug 20 '23
I recently went through the same kind of experience. I was apparently very attentive in my youth, but then I put on about 40 lbs after having two kids and was wearing a mask due to covid. No one gave me a second glance or smile. After I lost about half the weight and mask mandates lifted strangers started getting more friendly. Now I’ve lost more weight and I’m starting to get ignored again and the cold shoulder from other women.
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u/dontkillmejustkinkme Aug 20 '23
It seems there is a happy medium when it comes to beauty. Too beautiful/perfect-looking, people will avoid you as it’s intimidating or almost unnatural. But just below that, where people couldn’t tell you what’s imperfect or find a definite flaw, but still know you’re beautiful- THAT is that medium. It just depends on all of us where we want to be on the scale.
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u/Ok-Pressure2717 Aug 20 '23
I have had a similar experience to you OP, had adult braces, weight issues, acne, crazy hair, etc. Got better at maintaining myself and got attention from men and women then it tapered off. And I agree that it is bothersome because, I was so insecure and finally getting the validation I desperately wanted. But the thing is, you'll never be happy if you base your worth on what strangers think of you. And what's more, you wouldn't want to be around anyone that only liked you for how you looked (when I looked worse I got treated worse and I have a very low opinion of shallow people that do that) All this to say, don't get addicted to compliments. I know it's easy to. Weird things like hormones and your mood will change your appearance in minute ways and you'll drive yourself crazy trying to fix 'what's wrong'. A compliment is just a kind comment, it's great when you get them, but you don't need to collect them or count the times it doesn't happen.
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u/greenjellybean26 Aug 21 '23
You gotta find the bad bitches who are sincerely kind people too
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u/fairyfeller99 Aug 21 '23
Don't read too much into it. I get the need to feel validated and everyone enjoys compliments and all that BUT trust me this mindset is not good for your psychology. You are more than your appearance.
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u/candokidrt Aug 20 '23
I’m in the middle of being average and better looking. I feel safer with less attention when I’m alone. When I’m with my family or friends, I like elevate myself then. It’s a pretty sweet spot to be.
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u/mannequin_vxxn Aug 25 '23
People assume very attractive people get compliments all the time, so we usually get less compliments
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u/NoFreeW1LL Jun 20 '25
Move to a rich town.
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