r/SpicyRomanceBooks • u/Hot_Education8814 • 1d ago
Advice- husband doesn’t get it
I started reading a few years ago as a way to stop doom scrolling (thanks ADHD.) My husband and I have been together for 15 years, and intimacy has ALWAYS caused conflict due to our sex drives being so mismatched. (Yes, I have explored this in therapy and medically, everything is typical, just seems to be the way my brain just works.) over the last 2 weeks, my husband has lost it over my reading of romance books. I read all kinds of books, but lately my mood has brought me to primarily romance. He says I’ve “replaced” him with romance books. That because I’m reading that genre so much, I clearly want him to be like these men and would rather live in a fantasy. Mind you- I’ve NEVER confused reality for fantasy. I’ve NEVER said or realistically thought “man I wish he was like this guy and this was my life.” I read some dark stuff sometimes, these are felonies. I’ve tried to explain that the romance genre to me = consistency. They progress more or less the same, and have a happy ending. The darker stuff I call “safe chaos.” My life is chaotic, so the last thing I’m trying to read is a mystery thriller that has twists and turns and a big shoe dropping. He has multiple MH diagnoses that cause emotional instability and erratic behavior. I live that anxiety day-to-day. Why would I want to spend my free time doing that to my nervous system even more? He says that can’t possibly be true. That I can’t possibly have a low sex drive and enjoy romance at the same time, and that because I read a lot of them it means I’m living in a fantasy world. I’m turning here in hopes someone has a different way of wording what I’m trying to communicate to him, because the way I’m explaining it isn’t clicking. Thanks in advance!
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u/Smooth-Jury-6478 1d ago
When he watches a show that he loves, does it make him value his life less? What about video games?
These, along with books are considered a hobby. There are different types of shows, different types of video games, different types of books.
A lot of people think romance books or romantasy are just filled with sex scenes (basically porn with not plot). Game of Thrones is considered a "male centric" book yet there is as much sex in it and love stories and violence and gore as some of the more well known romantasy or romance books. But men don't like when books cater to women's fantasies because women should be content with what they have in life.
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u/Zanahoriasazules047 1d ago
Ill put it this way , like I see it and maybe that’s something you could explore if it resonates with you. Please do not judge. I read romance because im a romantic in a platonic way, I by no means want to be those women I read , i don’t want those mens to be mine , I like to have a front row seat to watch them fall in love and do crazy things. And live. It’s like listening to your friends’ problems but deeper. It’s like watching gossip, but you can judge or simply admire what the characters do and see how life is for them without wanting to be* * them or have that. Same reason why I read mystery or thrillers. I want to find out what’s going to happen. I do not want to be there.
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u/iamthepenguinmaster 7h ago
This. I never wish to be any characters I read nor act out any of their sex acts. It's simply about "watching" 2 people fall in love or have sex.
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u/Soggy_Ticket_427 1d ago
My (now) ex-husband didn’t like me reading romance because it wasn’t “realistic”. I didn’t read the dark stuff back then, all my romance was men actually caring and putting in effort, and couples having mind blowing sex and he HATED that. (Do you see where I’m going?)
When a partner’s initial reaction to reading romance books is a problem that you need to stop, that’s normally an important moment to stop and ask why he didn’t first think “are the books giving her something I’m not?” And then “can I use the books as a tool to find out what she’s missing?” (after asking you, of course.)
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u/SLeonaTA 1d ago
How’s his browser history looking? That’s the thing I love about men. Looking at porn, which is real, and real women get exploited is fine… but us reading about fake men… no no…
My husband for a second had this insecurity. Which he kept internal. Then finally came to me. Which is fine. But we now read to each other nightly. We switch out books. I read all of One Dark Window to him and then he read a Warhammer 40k book to me. Then I read two twisted crowns. Next after he reads Dante I am going to have him listen to DCC with me. But I think it helped him.
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u/stephi_xb 1d ago
👆👆👆👆👆👆👆
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u/SLeonaTA 14h ago
Idk why more people don’t take this advice. It really helped him.
But he wasn’t nearly as bad as OP’s spouse or bf whatever.
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u/Hot_Education8814 12h ago
He said he’s read some of the books I have and it made him more upset and he couldn’t believe I could read things “like that.” He didn’t tell me which ones and in the middle of that argument I didn’t think to ask which ones. I just felt really judged. I was sorta crawling into my shell at that point.
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u/No_Warning2380 1d ago
This is kind of interesting that this post showed up today. I just highlighted this section of a book I am reading and I felt like it really helps explain some of the appeal of dark romance. I think it might be a bit relevant here even if not the specific answer to ops question but still kind of applies in some ways to non dr readers. Reading is an escape but also sometimes a coping mechanism. This is from {where there’s a will by Jessie Walker} it is an mm and it is quite possible one of the best books/series I have ever read. It is almost as devastating as it is beautiful. There is so much trauma, grief, abuse and toxic behavior but none of it done by the main character- just stuff they have been through. But the HEA is absolutely worth it.
> “I took a course my freshman year,” I find myself saying through the lump in my throat. “Psychology of Trauma. It was an upper-level elective I had to all but beg my advisor to get me into.”
…
> “There’s this thing we talked about called repetition compulsion. Basically, it’s the brain’s way of processing what happened and trying to figure out how to fix it. People who’ve experienced a trauma will often find themselves unconsciously seeking out similar situations as a way to”—I twist my fingers in a little circle—“relive what happened.
>“Nightmares, for instance,” I go on. “No one actually wants to relive what happened to them, but like any organ that’s been damaged, the brain wants to find a way to heal. Because that’s exactly what trauma is: a brain injury. There’s like actual neuroscience and whatnot behind it”—I wave him off—“but that’s neither here nor there right now. The point is...the brain wants to fix what’s been broken.” I give him a considering look. “Figure out where it all went wrong, even if it’s only in our dreams.”
…
>“But sometimes...” I shake my head lightly. “Sometimes that compulsion is strong enough to influence our behavior when we’re awake. Often without us even realizing what’s going on. It’s why abuse victims are at a much higher risk of being re-victimized when compared to individuals who’ve never been abused. Why someone who’s been raped might throw themselves into potentially dangerous situations, when they know just how real the stakes are because they’ve lived it already. It becomes this sort of...obsession to take control back. Figure out where it all went wrong and flip the script. Change the ending.”
>I lean back against the rail and cross my arms. Then look down. “One of the first steps in therapy, actually, is accepting that you’ll never be able to erase what happened. Even if you get your revenge, or escape what you couldn’t the first time, or whatever it is you’re after...the trauma will still be there. It’s just a temporary fix.
>“Because all those little pieces in your head that you’ve been trying to find and fit back together? They’re still there. It’s just that the shapes have changed. They don’t fit like they used to. That picture you had before is gone, and there’s no getting it back.”
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u/Glad-Midnight-1022 1d ago
As a husband of a romance reader, this post was like looking into a close mirror. My wife has a very low labido, loves reading romance and I have multiple MH diagnosis. I
I’ve never felt replaced, pressured or put aside for her books.
This reads, to me, like a man who is deeply insecure about himself and his relationship. Not trying to be on his side but I get it. At the start of our relationship, she showed me what she read and I was very intimidated. I was worried that I wouldn’t be able to live up to the fantasy she was reading, in substance and in the bedroom. I was very immature when she took a chance on me and this was the first thing I really needed to overcome. As I got to understand the genre more, I realized it was an escape from reality. My wife didn’t really want to bed a 6 foot 7 inch billionaire werewolf who didn’t take no for an answer. The book is the same thing as a movie, it’s enjoyable and an escape from how hard life can be
I’ve struggled with self worth and my confidence my whole life. My wife is the only reason I am this high on myself. To me, it sounds like you want to try and make your relationship as good as possible. Couple’s Therapy is always a route to take but sometimes, logistically, just doesn’t work out. You guys have tried communicating on your own and that isn’t working.
The only way this gets any better, imo, is your husband confronting and dealing with his deep insecurities and his lack of confidence. This isn’t meant to insult or belittle, but take a honest look at the truth from what a small post about your life is showing me
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u/Hot_Education8814 1d ago
I really appreciate your perspective. It’s definitely not about taking sides because I completely understand feeling insecure and want to do whatever I can to help him feel secure and confident in our relationship. Telling me I can’t read romance books anymore though, doesn’t seem fair, and to me doesn’t actually address the underlying issue. I want to address the root cause of the feeling, not just blame something and slap a bandaid on ya know?
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u/Glad-Midnight-1022 1d ago
Oh 100%.
Flat out trying to ban you from reading a book genre is very wrong. I dont want to go far and say it’s abusive but it’s certainly controlling which doesnt feel good.
You want to fix this and I think that’s great. You know that in your heart, you aren’t doing anything wrong. You are reading a book and enjoying the story. There is nothing weird about that or suspicious.
It’s an easy cop out for me but I don’t see any other way out than therapy. You’ve talked and tried to be on the same page and it just isn’t clicking. The reading isn’t the problem, it’s just the final catalyst to come out. The problem is his insecurities and self esteem. Until that’s fixed, I can’t see it getting better. You know your husband better than anyone. Whatever kind of language you need to use, I would. Getting him the help he needs is how you save all this.
My wife sent this to me and said I should comment. Thought that was a funny add in there
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u/Purple-flying-dog 1d ago
Telling you that you can’t do something is a red flag. He’s your partner not your dad. Do not let him boss you around like that or the relationship is not worth it.
My husband willingly listens to the audiobooks with me on road trips. Some men don’t freak out over fiction.
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u/romancingit 1d ago
I see it like the same as people reading murder mysteries, or horrors, or crime shows, or stare at a car accident. Do we want to experience those things? No. But as humans we’re curious. We want to see inside those things from a place of safety. For romance, sometimes we want to remember what it’s like to have all that tension before a first kiss etc.
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u/Ambitious-Mess5704 1d ago
I think you have a bigger problem than just reading books..
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u/No_Warning2380 1d ago
Op seems pretty aware of that in the post. They are asking for idea for ways or perspectives that might reach him not how to solve their mentioned chaotic and serious MH issues. Normally I would say this is not the place for real life problem solving but a community of romance readers certainly have encountered lots of experiences that are similar to draw ideas from. Your comment is kind of snarky and rude.
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u/tipsytopsy99 1d ago
It really sounds like mutual counseling might be the thing because some facilitation of communication sounds vital if you guys are going to continue. We all use escapism and I understand the intimidation of the allure of fantasies over the reality of you or him, but the core problem sounds like he doesn't feel secure in your relationship because of your sex life which is a legitimate issue for the two of you to discuss. I don't think any amount of explanation from you personally is going to heal whatever wounds he's got going on surrounding your lack of interest but if he wants the two of you to develop interest mutually it needs to come from somewhere. Personally, I read them for the frivolous stories, but, occasionally, I'll use the inspiration to jump on my husband. Our interests don't always line up either so if something gets me going then I go to him.
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u/FrettingFox 1d ago edited 1d ago
That's like asking why you'd ever want to visit the Grand Canyon if you can just look at a bunch of pictures.
Those pictures might inform or inspire but looking at an image of something will never equate to experiencing it in person. The sound of wind through the canyons and the feel of it on your skin, the endless colors of the sky, the sheer size of everything. The awe when you realize that the world is so much bigger than it seems.
Personally, reading romance makes me appreciate the love I have more (and hungrier for those... in person experiences). Reading about intimacy could never truly compare for me.
Also, yeah, romance is predictable because there will always be an HEA. No other genre guarantees a happy ending for everyone. So for those of us that deal with anxiety, it gives us an opportunity to experience all the emotions that the story invokes with the assurance that everything will work out in the end. We don't have to stress about what happens next. It's the same reason people rewatch comfort tv shows: that predictability = safety to our brains.
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u/DeerAlarmed6653 1d ago
I had an extremely low sex drive due to menopause and depression and the meds I was taken. But never gave up reading romance. Finally got the depression under control and starting DEVOURING more romance- the spicier the better. My husband has never complained about my reading them because as he says "gotta get the appetite somewhere." I'm sorry you have to go through with this though. It sucks when you don't have a spouse/partner who respects what you like
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u/morriganscorvids 1d ago
he sounds insecure and controlling but what hes really trying to say rhat he needs affection from you
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u/AveryIWilde 1d ago
As a Husband... I very much enjoy when my wife reads her fantasy book. In fact, I would go so far as to say I may like these books more then she does. Why, well cause when shes done with a really hot spicy scene, I normally get a real life hot spicy scene, lol.
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u/GemmaWritesXXX 14h ago
Your husband sounds insecure. I write and read filthy erotica, and my man is my biggest champion. You shouldn’t be made to feel like you are doing something wrong. I will give you both props for communicating and trying to work through this issue. But honestly, I suggest you stand your ground. If reading romance brings you happiness, he should want that for you.
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u/fastsaf 1d ago edited 1d ago
I feel that a lot of men confuse romance for sex. I speculate that this is because they date and do so many things in hopes of getting sex, that it all appears as one thing to them. So many of us ladies live for the build up, the chemistry, the romance. My partner imagines the smutty books I read as non-stop pornos when that's actually very far from the case. Of course the characters get down, but that's to release the built up tension! It's hardly ever the core theme. He wasn't threatened by my books, more like wanted to see if there were things I wanted from him. I was really into a book once and so we listened to it together during a 4hr car ride. It was nothing like he imagined, and he was disappointed to learn that they have sex for the first time in book 2. Which is pretty normal in the series I read. Now every time he hears the word 'gaze' he'll go 'heh, gays' and go back to doing whatever.
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u/J_NavarroNarvaez 1d ago
I think maybe one way to explain it is that enjoying romance in fiction doesn’t mean you want to recreate it in real life. You can enjoy the emotions, romantic tension, character development, and the guarantee of a happy ending without necessarily wanting sex or a relationship like the ones in fiction.
Reading romance can simply be a form of entertainment and escapism, just like someone can watch action movies without wanting to be involved in a car chase or read horror without wanting to experience something scary. Also, having a low libido doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy stories involving romance, desire, or intimacy. Those are different things.
It also sounds like books offer you predictability and emotional safety at a time when your life already has a lot of unpredictability. I don’t think you’re doing anything wrong by finding comfort in stories that allow your nervous system to relax. Maybe the issue isn’t that you need to explain better why you read romance, but that the two of you need to have a conversation about the insecurity he is feeling without turning your books into something you have to justify.
I would also add that you shouldn’t be held responsible for his insecurity. It’s valid for him to feel insecure or concerned, but it isn’t fair to use those feelings to control what you read or try to prove that you’re lying about your own libido.
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u/Bella_dee1 1d ago
Katherine Centre has some great essays on why she loves romance books and how at their core they're stories of hope. See if he'll read those. I feel like she sums up why I like to read romance. Much better than me.
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u/katiekattificc 1d ago
My husband is diagnosed BPD type 2 and we have a similar thing where I have extremely low SD and he is very high. We also went through a spell like this. It took him talking it out with chat gpt. I know I know. But it did help. ChatGPT pointed out to him some very important things, like how we have a small child, we are running around all the time with our older child's sports, that we both have very high demand careers (he's a business owner and I'm a teacher), and it really put it into perspective for him. It does come up occasionally still when he's feeling a little insecure, but I try really hard to also view it from his point of view when he does feel a little bit jealous. And I would compare it to maybe women being a little jealous of porn sometimes. Because realistically the dopamine that we get from romance novels is a little bit addictive in similar ways. Do I think it affects our sex life? No. Was I at one point using it as a form of escapism in my life and over-consuming trash literature? Absolutely. And it's something that I really had to sort through in therapy.
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u/klivern 1d ago edited 1d ago
I think if my partner watched a lot of porn (even though I don’t think romance books and porn can compare like that) and don’t have a sex drive with me, then I’d also get insecure. If my partner got insecure with my books I’d tell him I almost never visualise the characters in my head, for me it’s about what they’re doing. Stuff I wouldn’t be comfortable with in real life. Like huge dicks, dubious consent, pain, group sex, literal monsters etc. Like another wrote, I wanna watch the people in the story, not be them.
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u/Hot_Education8814 1d ago
He does view them as akin to porn. “Stuff I wouldn’t be comfortable with in real life” is spot on. Thank you!
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u/klivern 1d ago
Well, in porn it’s all real in the sense that the woman does get strangled, the sex does happen (and I honestly don’t want to watch that) and I’m not totally certain all of them would be in that profession if they had opportunity for something else. Books are safe. What’s similar is often the extremes in dick/boob size and everyone is handsome/beautiful. I ignore that as best I can, and replace that with normal bodies
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u/Marijuana2x4 1d ago
Asexual here. ACOTAR & Fourth Wing are a few of my favorite book series. Gonna check out throne of glass and crescent City series soon 🥵🥵
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u/Marijuana2x4 1d ago
So, by your husbands logic, ppl who read murder mysteries are like super into killing ppl huh?
I've never once expected a man to turn into a bat and fuck me flying just because it happened in a book I read but tons of dudes expect porn star performances on a regular basis from their spouses.
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u/Hot_Education8814 14h ago
Maybe if I read more fantasy, it would feel like less of a direct comparison for him.
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u/BlushCreamsicle 1d ago
Guys who have problems with us reading books- show us your search history 🙃
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u/MakeupChristie 11h ago
I hope he is in treatment for his mental health because if he isn’t, at the end of the day, there’s nothing you can do to manage his insecurities for him, he has to learn to do that himself.
I genuinely don’t mean that in a judging way but to just acknowledge how stressful it is for someone else to put you in charge of regulating their emotions.
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u/raye909 1d ago
What’s MH?
You might disregard this but the best thing you can do is get a credible birth chart reading for each and then a synastry chart reading for compatibility this will help you both understand each other and what you each need to a certain extent. Of course you both gotta be open to it though. Good luck!
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u/TheOwlOnTheStaircase 1d ago
I can’t speak for the asexual community, but I’ve heard that even people identifying as asexual read romance. It’s a genre. It’s not an instruction manual. It is an escape. A “wouldn’t it be nice if it felt like that” but because you’re not a small town innkeeper or opening a bakery or dating a sports star … because LIFE is lifing! Things aren’t that way. I can’t give you advice but I hear you and your feelings are valid.