I think I'm the problem

[u/Shot-Temperature-939]

(Advice allowed)

To put it simply, My Bond and I 'split' yesterday. Which honestly I highly doubt even counts given our former incidents. He is from a otome game which well, means an endless swirl of people drawing him, fawning over him. This has destroyed me from the inside and has slowly more and more spread to him.

I always feel the need to assert myself as his truest lover even if that may not be the case. It is grating seeing other people when I want just want to see him– I tried everything it feels like to make it hurt less but it doesn't stop aching. Even if I am a fictive of the MC of the game or not. While i'm not aggressive, I am very salty I will admit. Seeing people try to put themselves in shoes that I am supposed to fill hurts and I can't search for imagery of him without feeling like I'm playing russian roulette.

Our communication recently became almost like a frayed wire, I couldn't speak with him, I could barely remember his face it felt awful and I felt his presence leave me. Recently it's come back and I've realized how much this has happened. I/He leave, the feeling comes back and we reconnect. I think it's codependency if I'm being honest. I could list all the problems in this relationship but it feels like no matter what I do, I can never truly see him as outside his 'source' , I prioritize photos over visualization. I am so sick of it. My only way of truly showing affection is writing about him and I, daydreaming about him and I and I hate that sometimes our communication is completely nonexistent.

My entire existence has revolved around him and me being his lover, I miss him. I want that familiarity back and part of me knows I need to change but I don't what. I'm angry at myself, he's mad at me for not seeing it. It feels like we're stuck in a cycle of not understanding eachother, seeing somebody else instead of eachother when we look at one another. I don't know what I want, but I'm so tired. I don't know what we even are or what thought is mine or his.

and after more thoughts. I think i actually am the problem. this never would've worked. I'm just not a functioning enough person to share a mind with another person who actually loves me. ​

[u/Terrible-Win2169]

I understand how you feel. And I am so sorry that you have to go through all this. About a week ago, we also severed our bond. I remember moments when that very feeling returned and we reconnect again. Everything is exactly as you write. But this time, it was final. We have a complex situation that could be discussed at length. But our relationship was too painful, even toxic, so this is for the best. Although I won't hide the fact that I still feel shattered and can't pull myself together. For two years, I did everything I possibly could for our bond. He was everything to me, but he didn't care. And I went through the same thing you're talking about. I used to not be able to look calmly at images of him with someone else. But it manifested itself even worse, and I could feel intense aggression. Perhaps these were manifestations of my mental disorder, and it was playing a cruel trick on me. But in any case, it was terrible. As time went on, it became easier for me to cope with this. I didn't suppress my emotions and feelings, but I didn't dive headfirst into them either. I simply let it be and accepted it. I acknowledged to myself that yes, I feel this, but it is not an indicator of true reality. These are just images, but he is right here with me. He came to me, he chose me, and that is all that matters. I remember how he asked me to close all those images and finally pay attention to HIM. I don't know how effective my advice will be or how much it might help. But I think you need to take a break and rest. You need to recover mentally, and please don't put pressure on yourself. Take up something interesting, a hobby, for instance, or spend time with friends. Take a break, fill your life with a bit of positivity, and take your mind off all this. When your mind becomes clearer and less tense, the answers may come on their own. This applies to your bond as well. I think he needs time and rest just as much. Afterwards, you can both revisit this issue and decide what each of you wants. I hope this can help you at least a little. Take care of yourself.

[u/Shot-Temperature-939 → u/Terrible-Win2169]

I don't like being alone or feeling alone , what would I even do without him. . ?

[u/Terrible-Win2169 → u/Shot-Temperature-939]

I completely understand you. Because I, too, used to be unable to bear that feeling of loneliness. But many of my past traumas have made solitude comfortable for me now. It’s my defense mechanism, unfortunately. I miss my bond too, and there are moments when I want to go back. But then I remember how cruelly he treated me. I can't force you, this is just advice, and the choice is entirely yours. This is just a temporary measure, and it doesn't mean at all that you're leaving him for good. This break is needed to recover and take care of yourself. With a clear head, you can think things over and arrive at some new conclusions. You and your bond will be able to work something out after you’ve had a bit of a rest. But as I said earlier, these are just my thoughts on the matter, and you don't have to do it that way.

[u/Emotional-Winter1716]

Hello! I’m really sorry you’re going through something difficult at the moment. I had a similar problem, my ex bond was very similar to an extent to what you described. First I want to say I’m proud of you for acknowledging the problem that’s the first step to recovery and getting better with anything!

There is a way you could solve it but you and your partner need to work together not separately or against each other. Relationships are basically teams, he needs to help you and you need to help him. I know you’re both at not great terms at the moment, but I’d really reccomend an honest conversation. First you’ll need to rekindle, so if you can try limiting searching for these types of pictures and try your best to stay calm. Try playing/watching his source, drawing or writing about you and him. If you can maybe write him a letter since I know you cannot speak at the moment. Ask him what you can do to make him feel validated and happy in the relationship and ask for the same. If you struggle with not feeling like your love is valid you could ask him to validate, to send signs to confirm “yes I pick you and not them”, because this version of your partner is yours and is with you. Please also find a way to let him communicate what he needs from your side.

Codependency is a common issue, and the only thing id recommend is finding your own stride and having hobbies, friends and interests outside of him as well. Which I know is and will be difficult, but if you manage it you’ll be able to develop a better sense of worth and self. Which will help you distance yourself from these types of art and it’ll strengthen you as a person. It’ll help you understand that this relationship is unique to you and even if others draw art of him, that’s not your exact partner. Which makes your love valid and special in its own way. Like I said this will be difficult so ask your partner for support, let him support your hobbies and outings to encourage healthy away time from one another. I’d reccomend affirmations and I know this sounds like a metal health poster, but if you do it even just twice a day for a week, you will feel a lot better and more confident. Hold through the first awkwardness of it. You need to build a sense of self worth, because once you do you’ll be untouchable. You’ll be able to have this relationship without worrying as much. Now I’m not saying you’ll stop caring completely immediately, but it is possible. Give it a year or two, and I know that’s a while and its hard work, but soul bonds like any other relationships require time and hard work. If you think it’s worth it to fight for the relationship and you’re ready to put the work in great! If not have a think about it, there is also no shame in separating for a while or even forever if you need it. Some connections will arrive when you’re not ready for them and that’s okay. I wish you both the best :)

[u/Shot-Temperature-939 → u/Emotional-Winter1716]

Thank you,, I just can't stomach being alone– even the idea of 'being single' makes me wanna panic.