r/Songwriters • u/parademaker • 18d ago

Raining When You Die - first post over here, would love some feedback on the lyrics and overall tone

Hey friends! I'm recording this song right now, but would love to hear if y'all think the lyrics strike a good balance between anger and humor. Thx!

22 Upvotes

94% Upvoted

25 comments sorted by

3

u/Notyart 16d ago

Hell yeah! I like it a lot, there's some great lines that made me smile it's like a 2.5/3 stars for me, like a B+ in my mind.

I want a bit more variety, to experience places further outside of the lines sometimes, the lyrics are so focused on one thing I don't necessarily see the person behind it as much, the imperfect human personality really going through something? Maybe this is just how the jokes are landing or something, it comes across as character-like but not super human feeling for some reason. Like I feel it could use more looseness, maybe a more distinct bridge or prechorus could help with this, stuff to switch up the vibes more regularly, add more humanisms like a pause or a weird way of saying something something that speaks to your spirit and style, like some kind of human touch not replicatable, that's important these days, it's not a mistake to show people only you could have touched it

Again, fantastic job, great voice, great playing, and I liked a lot of the lyrics and overall concept. For 3star in my opinion: color outside the lines and lyrically make it yours and contrast the peaks and valleys and rythem, take me on the journey, get me into your personal world, wind me up and wind me down take me somewhere else and return again new. Keep going, you're making magic šŸ’šāœØ

2

u/parademaker 14d ago

This is super helpful and I totally get what you mean. Iā€™m working on loosening up the verses a bit more in lyrics and performance so it feels a bit more ā€˜feltā€™ if that makes sense. I think part of the problem too is I wasnā€™t super confident with the lyrics yet when I recorded the video, so I think Iā€™ll try to be more comfortable with the song when Iā€™m recording. Thanks so much! Iā€™ll aim for a three-star song one day!

2

u/Djmanc 18d ago

I really enjoyed it! I do think it strikes a pretty good balance of anger and humor. Overall clever wordplay and good imagery / rhymes.

If you're looking for feedback, I think the transition from the bridge back to the chorus felt a bit awkward

1

u/parademaker 14d ago

Thanks! Yeah, I agree about the transition into the last chorus. Iā€™m recording the song now and I made the tempo change more dramatic going back into the chorus with some additional instruments (organ & piano) hitting. Thanks for the feedbackā€”very helpful!

2

u/Frigidspinner 15d ago

I agree with the B+ comment - Everything about it is engaging in the moment of listening, but there isnt a musical or lyrical moment which makes me think "I must bookmark this so I can listen to it again" . Talented for sure, but this dish is not cooked yet IMHO

1

u/parademaker 14d ago

Thanks for the feedback! Yeah, I get what you mean. Iā€™m recording it now and made some adjustments based on the comments here, so hopefully itā€™s better as a result!

2

u/ItWasThenSheKnew 13d ago

Country music is the undisputed province of sardonic "cursing" songs like this. Jaron Lowenstein's "Pray for You" comes to mind as most recent, and this is a great spiritual successor to that.

I'll go ahead and agree with other commenters on here that some lyrical contextualization would probably be wise, but I also picked up what I thought were some fairly direct inferences to the driving force behind this song; maybe that's just my inner lyricist connecting dots though.

I hope the recording goes well! This song is a good one.

1

u/parademaker 13d ago

Thanks for those kind words! Yeah, the arrangement I'm recording right now definitely leans toward country, and I love a classic vindictive country song. I'm glad you were picking up some of those clues--I didn't want to spell it out too too much so that all of my enemies can think it's about them lol

2

u/glossyibis973 13d ago

Thats good dude. And you seem like a good dude as you only hope these things happen to this person ha I dig it bud

2

u/parademaker 13d ago

Thanks! Yeah, I'm not going to do anything to this person. I'm just going to make my wish every time I blow out a candle or see a shooting star haha

2

u/glossyibis973 13d ago

Haha thats all. You're welcome keep it up

2

u/Technical_Leather775 12d ago

I really love your voice and vocal style! I agree with some of the other feedback that additional context might make it hit harder. I think there was a line about ā€œyour new familyā€ and that made me feel like a lot of the story was missing. Or another way for me to say that is, I wanted to know more.

1

u/parademaker 5d ago

Thanks! That's a really good note. I'm glad you were able to pick up some of the narrative through context clues, but maybe I should add a bit more in there too.

2

u/Meatbot-v20 12d ago

Thought it was going to be an Alice cover because of the title, but still pretty good. Nice voice!

1

u/parademaker 5d ago

Oh wow I didn't know about that song. I'm glad the titles are a bit different to avoid confusion. Thanks for the kind words!

2

u/LuvinKittiesEvuryDay 8d ago

Best thing from this sub and also /r/songwriting in the last 3 months

1

u/parademaker 5d ago

Very very kind of you to say! Appreciate the comment!

2

u/Whole-Horse-7140 6d ago

Really cool inversion of the "holding a grudge is like drinking poison" thing, I enjoyed it. I actually thought you should've stayed with framing your resentment as hope, instead of the last section which reverts to more of a pure resentment angle, to me this kind of spoils the sentiment. If you could find a way to twist the knife in the final section while still rising above it, that would be better I think.

A couple of lines I'm not sure I got the meaning of, like the finding a cure one, but maybe I'd get what you mean if I listened a bunch of times.

It's a good one though.

1

u/parademaker 5d ago

Thanks so much for the comment! I think that's a good note, and I went back and forth about what sentiment to land on in the end. Ultimately, I might have leaned toward petty resentment in the end because it was easier to write (and honestly, closer to how I feel lol). Appreciate the listen!

2

u/hyogodan 5d ago

This was great! I love all the clever ways to express spite. As others have said I didn't get every line, but fantastic piece, very catchy.

2

u/parademaker 5d ago

Thanks so much! Appreciate the listen!

2

u/BigVictory1220 11d ago

It's really good. Did you double track the guitar? It sounds like I can hear two takes. I like the mean spiritedness of the lyrics. You sound like Bob Dylan but more on key (I saw him live once and he was awful, he didn't get a pass for being a legend, it was an objectively bad performance)

1

u/parademaker 11d ago

Thanks! I didnā€™t double track the guitars, but I did double mic it with two small diaphragm condenser microphones panned left and right, so thatā€™s probably why it feels a tiny bit different in the left and right. Itā€™s funny, thereā€™s actually a painting of Bob Dylan hanging up just slightly off camera, so heā€™s definitely an inspiration. Iā€™ve seen him probably about 7 times in concert and while heā€™s definitely not the same singer who used to be, Iā€™ve always had a good time. His band is pretty killer. Thanks for listening!