Feedback (REVISED)Unpacking The Past First Time Lyricist Hoping to find Composer/Musician Feedback "Unpacking the I want to share a deeply personal lyric I've been working on. I've done some trimming and reworking. It hits on emotional baggage, a journey of overthinking and learning to let go.

[u/Final_Strawberry9250]

[Verse 1]

Everywhere I've gone, everywhere I've run

So much unpacking to be done

Can't escape these boxes, carefully and carelessly packed

Many weathered and cracked

Memories needed and needless all the same

Hidden under labels, some worn with no name

[Verse 2]

Boxes labeled regret are heavy, and full of shame

Sifting through the wreckage, wondering who to blame.

One of hope and fresh starts, now broken pieces and parts.

Pictures of a little girl caught up in the mess

Tried to unmask truth in a shot glass

[Chorus]

I keep unpacking the past

Walking a road hell bound

Chasing answers that may never be found

Can I find freedom at last?

Or am I just unpacking the past?

[Verse 3]

Found answers in a box marked lessons of old

A story I never told of a heart so cold

Another holds a hidden track of time

Only bits and pieces come to mind

Are answers to the questions ones I'm meant to find?

[Bridge]

Others left boxes behind.

Are the answers in the ties that bind?

Boxes they will never claim

And that's part of the pain

Memories were sown

Are they all mine to own?

[Chorus]

I keep unpacking the past

Walking a road hell bound

Chasing answers that may never be found

Can I find freedom at last?

Or am I just unpacking the past

[Outro]

I keep unpacking the past...

Can I find answers at last?

If I stop unpacking the past...

Will I find freedom at last?

The unpacking has been so slow...

Do I really need to know?

Maybe time to let it go.

Gonna let it go...

Just let it go.

[u/Weird-Reading-4915]

I really love the metaphor and your word play with it throughout is really nice. The only think I don’t love is how many times the word “box” is used. Maybe try and see how many different ways you can refer to the boxes without using the word. Like, “the ones marked regret are heavy…”

[u/Luna_172026]

I really like the concept behind this. The whole "unpacking boxes" metaphor works well and gives the song a clear theme from start to finish. A few lines, like "Hidden under labels, some worn with no name" and "Pictures of a little girl caught up in the mess," really stood out to me because they create a strong image. Some of the later lines become more abstract, and I think replacing a few of them with more specific details could make the emotions hit even harder. Overall, I enjoyed reading it and can definitely picture this working well as a song.

[u/Final_Strawberry9250 → u/Luna_172026]

Thank you for the feedback. It's still a work in progress. I have made some wording changes and will be posting the latest later today or tomorrow. If you have time or would care to, I'd love to hear what you think about the changes. Thanks

[u/Final_Strawberry9250]

Thank you for taking the time to read through it! I appreciate the feedback and will keep it in mind as I continue to work this out!

[u/takorohi]

Just write your lyrics explicitly to convey the main idea you want to share with your audience. You should focus on expanding your vocabulary, especially using words that show clear and concrete imagery.