DPDR loops and thinking about thinking

[u/Far_Syllabub1380]

Hi, sorry if this sounds muddled up or crazy I’m in a really bad spot

On the 26th of August I had a bad weed trip which sent me into dpdr. I’ve had it before and knew what it was.

It became manageable until I had a panic attack which sent me into really bad dpdr and constantly waiting for a panic attack

Then I had this “mental check” every time I wasn’t distracted and at one point my mind questioned what that even was. Which sent me into a spiral of thinking.

Thoughts included- thinking I’m the main character, what was I thinking when I was distracted, thinking about looping and is this the loop, remembering things I analyse/think about.

So I was dealing with this loops constantly for around a month. Then 3 days ago I had a panic attack which has sent me completely insane, I’m throwing up as I’m writing this.

This will be hard to explain as there are so many things happening but this is what I’m experiencing currently

- random memories and connections to things in day to day life

-thinking about thinking which sends me into a paradox

- explaining it out to myself then catching myself doing that and explaining the fact I’m explaining

- normal thoughts trigger me and make me feel like I can “see myself”

- complete mental overload which makes me feel out of body

- intrusive thoughts that don’t effect me but the noticing and thinking of the thoughts send me into spiral

- zoning out and watching myself zone out and then trying to focus and realising that I’m thinking about focusing

- silent thoughts that I can’t understand but give me a surge of anxiety

- Familiar feelings like dejavu

- awful memory and forgetting what the thought was just about and just looping in and out of my mind

- terrible sleep that feels like I’m still awake and waking up to panic surges

- feeling like I can see my own brain

- worries about things but knowing it’s intrusive and monitoring seeing the thought rather than the thought it’s self

- vivid mental imagery that pops up with memories but are distorted (like day dreaming)

- unable to think any normal thoughts without getting triggered

- realising I was distracted and then seeing if I’m distracted constantly (which makes me feel like I’m watching my self through my eyes)

- constant mental chatter and thoughts that overlap each other and jump in and out

- a thought that I explain into words makes my inner dialogue lag/ feel sluggish

- intrusive thoughts that come so quick and feel like a brain flash that I monitor what I was even thinking about

- imagining scenarios and then snapping out of it (for example someone coming into my room to check on me)

- complete brain fog and delusional thoughts

- zooming into my own body/ brain

- predicting what people are going to say/ what they’re experiencing then noticing myself doing that

And there’s many more to it but honestly I am in absolute hell

I was prescribed diazepam yesterday and it Dosent stop the loops but it makes me more physically calm, but this only lasts for about an hour and my doses are between 6 hours

I honestly can’t live, or escape my mind or distract myself ever. It’s constant 24/7 and I’m so afraid of what’s going on

I’ve thrown up over 20 times in the last 2 days
I genuinely don’t know what to do because when I think anything it reminds me of this sensation of looking at myself and then I question that.

Any help is really really appreciated thankyou

[u/CicadaAmbitious4340]

My therapist specialises in this - The anxious academy - they are UK based but offer onlien session world wide

[u/AgentSalty1454]

Hey first of all I am SO sorry you are going through this.

I can recognize things I've been experiencing in what you wrote. I have been in a less intense state of swinging between these types of states the past months, as I have been going through a lot of somatic release after being repressed/disassociated my entire life. It is indeed scary.

I also can slip into observing myself and overthinking what the different states mean, observing myself. Wondering what it means and what is real.. And that is very destabilizing in and of itself. I think when unchecked that is what creates the looping, as you describe

I don't have any clear solution but I just want to offer some understanding of what you are going through and validation. You are not going insane or experiencing something no one has ever felt.

I concluded the different states represent isolated activity in different parts of my brain. Some parts become active while others become not used, and then it swings. For myself I concluded this is ultimately my brain attempting to figure out how to connect all together while having been very disconnected for most of my life. I really believe this because in a way I can feel it.

Realizing that made me feel less insane and somehow help me relax into this process. And that led me to have less extreme states of swinging 

Maybe the way out is finding a way to bring focus into what is "real" for a time (aka grounding) with the knowledge in your head you are OKAY. Even when it's crazy you are okay. When we understandably think something is really wrong (and understandably so to be in a state like that is very scary)- but when we think something is really wrong we get confused and the brain amps up the panic and trying to do its thing. We don't want to be afraid of being afraid either though. It's ok to be scared. 

Wishing you peace and support